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Author Topic: I need to see a shrink
nina_brown04
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This is more about me then about my relationship.

I have SERIOUS emotional problems and I'm going to attempt to explain them.

Ok. I'm 20 and this is my first serious relationship. We have been together a year.

I'm the type of person that keeps everything in. I never liked people to know what was going on inside my head or if I was going through something I would keep it to myself. I guess I like to keep people at a distance.

When I met my boyfriend and realized I loved him it scared the hell out of me. I had planned to tell him one night but I literally couldn't say the words because the feeling of being "exposed" makes me want to curl up in my blanket and hide. The whole night we were laying next to each other I tried to say it but I choked on the words. I was scared to let him know how much he meant to me because I didn't want him to take advantage of it.

I've said "I love you" before to guys but I never meant it. I just said it because somebody said to me. This time I was saying it because I felt it. He knew I wanted to say it but I told him that I would tell him when I was ready. When I told him I said "Ok I love you Eric...man!" And I put my head in my hands and then he grabbed me and hugged me.

I have broke up with him so many times and sometimes for no reason at all. I just get so scared that he is going to leave me and if he ever said that to me it would crush me so instead, I would tell him it was over before he got a chance to tell me. Kind of like "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me so I won't get hurt so bad" I know that doesn't make any sense but I don't know how to put it.

Another reason, is that I deal with problems by running from them. Like last night I broke up with him because I felt like a bad girlfriend and I felt that he would eventually tire of me so I was kind of putting him out of misery.

I also suffer from low self-esteem. I don't know if that has anything to do with my problems or not.

I guess it bothers me to let someone in the way I let him in. It makes me feel vulnerable and it scares me. I know its normal to feel like that but I think my fear is a little extreme. Its almost like I'm afraid to be happy and to let my guard all the way down so I try to sabotage the relationship. I try to find ways to get out of the relationship when everything in my body tells me that I should be with him. My mind is focused on this fear of losing this love I never thought I would have.

I guess I was always brought up to "be loving but be cold and cautious" as so to spare my feelings. I mask my deep love for my boyfriend with smart remarks and ending the relationship because I'm scared of this feeling I have. I'm scared that it is just going to get snatched away so I'm always on guard. Its like I'm waiting for him to break my heart or something.

I don't know. My father tells me to never let my guard down. My mother has severe emotional issues and I see myself turning into her. Its like I try to detach my emotions from the relationship sometimes because I fear getting hurt. So I pretend like I don't need him or something like that. When the reality is I can't see my life without him in it.

I just told him that I have problems that I need to get straight and that I should be alone for that and he just broke down crying asking me why I keep breaking his heart like this.

I love him to death and I feel bad for putting him through the things I do. He told me that I don't realize that I have somebody who loves me and wants to be with me and help me work through my problems. He said he is willing to help me with whatever is going on with me.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I am the way that I am. I don't know how to stop being this way.


Does anyone have any advice? What should I do? Is something wrong with me?

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cool87
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You seem to be dealing with a awful lot of problems right now, personal problems as well. It's no wonder your relationship didn't work out great, it interferes with it.

Why not take a break from dating for a while to assert those personnal problems ? Have you tought about seeing a psychologist about that ?

Right now, I don't really have time to go through each of your problems with you becasue I'm really tired but I'll get back to you tomorrow,reposed, and try to help you if someone don't do it before me. I might know the reasons to some of your problems and I'll try to find them with you.

[ 07-30-2006, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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Hey nina.

I mirror what cool said in that this must be really tough for you to be going through. I'm really glad to see that you're willing to admit the issues you're facing, and being so honest with yourself. That's a really good step to be taking. I second cool's suggestion that you seek professional help.

One thing. I'm really of the opinion that you should take a break from your boyfriend for now, until you can get help. With you suffering poor self-esteem and emotional problems, a relationship will do nothing but add additional stress at a time you should be focusing on healing yourself.

I'm glad you've realized that what you're doing to your partner is definately not healthy. More than anything, it's not fair to keep him constantly on-edge due your personal issues. If you care for him, you need to tell him the truth. Consider either taking a break altogether, or simply staying together as friends. He could prove a valuable hand in helping you through the process.

But on the other hand, it's looking more and more like you need to keep him out of this. Is there a friend, parent, cousin etc who would be willing to help you through this? Not until you can learn to love yourself, and be happy with your own life, will you be able to healthily and happily share yourself with another person.

If it seems like your boyfriend is having emotional issues from all this, it might not be a bad idea for him to consider therapy, too. Make sure that you make it clear that you aren't pushing him away intentionally, but that you need time to focus on yourself and become happy and healthy again.

Best of luck, and keep us all updated.

[ 07-31-2006, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Mr. Matthew
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nina_brown04,

Hi. You seem to be a nice person. You've already thought about and understand much about yourself, and you are asking for help. That's a wonderful way to start to get where you want to go. I think you can get there.

First off, you've got some very positive things going for you. You have a friend you love, and your friend loves you. Even more, he's told you that he's willing to work with you to help you overcome your difficulties.

I'm going to quote a few things you wrote, comment on them, and then make a suggestion.

"I would tell him it was over before he got a chance to tell me. Kind of like 'I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me so I won't get hurt so bad.' I know that doesn't make any sense, but I don't know how to put it."

That makes perfect sense, and you put it very well. You don't want to be hurt terribly, so you run from that and hurt yourself in the process.

"Like last night I broke up with him because I felt like a bad girlfriend and I felt that he would eventually tire of me so I was kind of putting him out of misery."

This makes me sad. You're hurting so much.

"I also suffer from low self-esteem. I don't know if that has anything to do with my problems or not."

Sure. Our psychology is all interconnected. Low self-esteem could explain a lot.

"I guess I was always brought up to 'be loving but be cold and cautious' as so to spare my feelings."

Caution is a good thing. It makes one take it slow and not make mistakes. Loving is the best, and even with your difficulties you recognize that you have that quality. Now you have to be able to BE loved. That is, perhaps, what you're afraid of. Perhaps you are afraid of making yourself vulnerable and being hurt by being rejected. Perhaps, because of your low self-esteem, you assume you will eventually be rejected, even though your friend tries to reassure you that he'll stick by you.

"I just told him that I have problems that I need to get straight and that I should be alone for that and he just broke down crying asking me why I keep breaking his heart like this."

He clearly has strong loving feelings for you. If you could get over your fears it seems that you'd have a true friend.

"I love him to death and I feel bad for putting him through the things I do. He told me that I don't realize that I have somebody who loves me and wants to be with me and help me work through my problems. He said he is willing to help me with whatever is going on with me."

He sounds like a fine man. In that, you're very lucky. Because of your fears you are hurting him. You recognize that too. You are perceptive.

"I just don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I am the way that I am. I don't know how to stop being this way. Does anyone have any advice? What should I do? Is something wrong with me?"

I wouldn't say "something is wrong with you." It's sounds like a value judgment -- like you're bad. You even use the word "bad" yourself (bad girlfriend). You're not bad, but You are in pain.

There is help for your problem, and you give yourself the answer in the title of your post: "I need to see a shrink."

That's a great idea. Psychotherapy of some sort can be very beneficial. My wife and I had painful trouble with our relationship, and I went to a psychotherapist. I went once a week for a year. It taught me so much about myself, it made my pain go away, and it made my relationship so much better. It really worked.

As I said, you have gone to some length to understand yourself and your problems. You are asking for help. You seem receptive to therapy. Go for it.

A Friend,
Matthew

P.S. I'm not sure I agree with Miss Lauren about pulling back from your relationship, though I do respect her and everyone's thoughts and opinions. A therapist could help you with the relationship question as part of an overall process.

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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I'm gonna try to take a guess at your case. Here's what I think. If I'm really out of field, tell me. I'll like it if you could answer my questions, it would be of great help. I'm gonna go part by part of your post.

(Sorry for the very long post but I had a lot of thinking going on in my head)

quote:
When I met my boyfriend and realized I loved him it scared the hell out of me.
It's often scary to recognize the feelings we have towards one person. And it's even harder for you since it also meant you'd have to tell him how you feel about it. And you have problems letting your feelings out so it's even harder.

Did something bad ever happened to you once after letting your feelings out ? For example, would it be possible that you once told someone about a personal situation, your feelings, personal details and that one person took advantage of it ? Did you ever confide in someone but that person didn't keep it a secret and repeated that to other people when you didn't want to and made you incomfortable ? That could be why you're finding it difficult to communicate your feelings.

Do you have a low-self esteem ? That could be another reason why you happen to have that problem.

Or it could be normal. Not all people are at ease at communicating their feelings to other. It's just like some people are introverted but others are extroverted. It's in our personnality.

Do you have problems communicating your feelings, what you're thinking about with everyone or let's say is it just with your boyfriend ? Is it easier with someone you can trust like your parents or best friend ?


I know it can be scary to let someone know how we feel, what we're thinking about because we never know how they might react. And it's like letting them invade our personal space a little bit. But with people we trust it shouldn't be that hard.

Do you have some trusting issues going on ? I mean do you have problems trusting people ? Also are you scared of hurting someone by telling them how you're feeling ?

It's normal that you had difficulties telling your boyfriend you loved him since this time, you said it yourself, it was the truth. It was how you really feel and for you telling how you feel is difficult. So it's totally understandable.

quote:
I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me so I won't get hurt so bad"
Have you dealt with a lot of break-ups in your life ? Were you affected by them ? For me, it seems like you were from the words you're using. Again, did the break up occured because of something you said ? This could be why you're so resilient about letting you're feelings out. You're scared that it might change things, scared of the way they'll react. Tell me if I'm wrong. But my best guess here is that this is the case, this and self-esteem problems.

quote:
Another reason, is that I deal with problems by running from them. Like last night I broke up with him because I felt like a bad girlfriend and I felt that he would eventually tire of me so I was kind of putting him out of misery
Here again, self-esteem problem. The thing is when you don't feel confident about yourself it's often harder to find the strenght to go through your problems. And when you find it, you still think it isn't strong enough. So you run from them. You don't think you're strong enough to overcome them but you are. If you want tricks to overcome your low self-esteem problem, just ask me. I'd be pleased to help you.

And you saying he would get tired of you, that it's misery being with you sends even more alarm bells for me that says you may be dealing with some self-esteem problems. And you said you are. I see it at this point. So yes, your low self-esteem DO interfere a lot with your problems.

quote:
I guess it bothers me to let someone in the way I let him in. It makes me feel vulnerable and it scares me. I know its normal to feel like that but I think my fear is a little extreme. Its almost like I'm afraid to be happy and to let my guard all the way down so I try to sabotage the relationship.
yes, it's normal to feel that way. When you're close to someone, when you're in love with one person, it also means letting them invade your personal space like a told you before and sharing feelings. All of this leads to letting your guards down.

The reason why you try to sabotage the realtionship is your fear. Fear that your feelings might hurt him, fears that you won't say the right things. You're extremely insecure. And that might be caused by self-esteems issues again.

You're boyfriend seems like a really great guy.

You really want my best advice : take a break from dating for a while. Go see a therapist and adress him your problems. Try with him to overcome your self-esteem problems because it seems to be the reason to your problems, it DOES interfere with your problems.

Really, everything here is screaming (Miz Scarlet you're starting to influence my vocabulary) that it is caused by low-self esteem problems. Where your low self- esteem come from ? I am taking a guess that it is from a bad experience, a relationship or friendship (or more than one )that turned out wrong after you've let some feelings out and you are now resilient to let your feelings out again. You're scared either, they might be hurt or that it may hurt someone and therefore hurt yourself too in the process.

[ 07-31-2006, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
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nina,
when my xbf was depressed I hung out on the message boards a lot on a site called depression fallout. http://www.depressionfallout.com/messageboard.php

basically it shows the effects of depression on relationships. After reading many peoples stories I see alot of similarities with yours and it seems to me as if you may have a case of very mild depression. However, the good news is, you are seeing that you have some problems you want to get sorted out and most people don't get to that stage until a lot later or never. My advice to you is maybe to check out that site a bit and see if you think you relate to any of those stories, and most definately, even if you don't relate to the stories. Make an appointment with a pyschologist. THey will be able to give you a diagnosis and a lot of help with your situation.

As for the bf if he is willing to be there I don't think it is necessary to take a break, but it might be a good idea to take him along to the shrink as well. If he is going to be involved it will probably help him alot to be able to know the diagnosis and know what to be expecting, so that when you do and say those things that you don't really want to do, he will understand that you don't want to hurt him and are just trying to get through this.

Best of luck!

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nina_brown04
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First of all I would like to say that I appreciate everyones thoughful comments. I was truly touched when I read all of them [Smile]

This is my first serious relationship so I've never dealt with bad break-ups or anything like that. I've had a long-term friendship (13 years) that didn't go too well but I don't think thats related to my problems.

I think this all stems from my self-esteem. I thought I had it under control because I was beginning to love myself but I guess I still have a long way to go.

I've had low self-esteem all my life. When people around you that are suppose to love you tell you that "you'd be pretty if you weren't fat" or call me a "hog" "Pig" or whatever and then get a good laugh about it..its kind of hard to maintain a positive self-image.

The way I saw it is if my family, who is suppose to love me, doesn't think much of me then I must be worthless. I tried to tell them how they made me feel but they just said that I was "too sensitive" or I shouldn't let what people say bother me. I use to cry myself to sleep sometimes. I never really told anybody about that.

I was teased by my family more than I was teased by my peers. Its bad to go to school and face the wrath of my peers but then to come home and hear the same thing? That messed my head up.

Although now I've lost weight and my mother tells me I went from an ugly duckling to a swan. (Umm....is that a compliment?) These feelings of worthlessness creep up in me at times.

About me not being able to express my feelings, Im like that with everyone not just my boyfriend.

"Here again, self-esteem problem. The thing is when you don't feel confident about yourself it's often harder to find the strenght to go through your problems. And when you find it, you still think it isn't strong enough. So you run from them. You don't think you're strong enough to overcome them but you are."

I agree with this cool87.

Its hard to get out of the way I think because I've thought this way for as long as I rememeber.

Thanks for the link hunnybunny. I'm going to check that out.

I've been reading on the net and I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. If anyone has any info on that it would be great.

And thanks again guys!!!!

((hugs)) [Smile]

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cool87
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Here. Try taking this test. Not only does it tell you if you may suffer about BPD it also tell you if it would be possible you suffer for another personality disorder. So take a look at it. But remember it's only a test and it is far from giving you accurate results. Rather talk to your counselor about the possibility of having this condition.

Test 1

And here's two other one. It's better than taking only one test.

Test 2
Test 3


If it says you may have it, tell me and I'll link you web pages where you can learn about it. But really, I strongly suggest you before to get it confirmed by a doctor because a test is not accurate.

[ 07-31-2006, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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nina_brown04
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Thanks for the link.

I scored high on Avoidant and Dependant

Moderate on Borderline,Narcissistic,Histrionic, and Paranoid

Im taking the other two now..I'll let u know the results

[ 07-31-2006, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: nina_brown04 ]

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nina_brown04
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On Test 2 I got
74% Paranoid
66: Schizoid
62% Avoidant
50% Borderline
50% Histrionic

Those were ares I scored the highest

Test 3 said that I have symptoms of borderline personality disorder

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cool87
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You really may want to go see a counselor about that. To find whether or not, you're dealing with these disorders or not. Tests like that are just not totally accurate.

I bet I would have done the test and would have gotten high marks too even if I don't have any of these conditions.

Really, I think all you're dealing with is low self-esteem problems period. Begin by working on that problem and if it still doesn't change, you might want to think about another condition linked to that like those above. But it's more likely it's low self-esteem than those conditions.

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logic_grrl
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Really, an online quiz is not suitable to diagnose anything, let alone a serious condition like borderline personality disorder.

Especially when the tests have no information about who made them or how valid they are (if at all).

It's not really helpful or responsible to suggest that people try and self-test for serious psychiatric conditions online, any more than it would be to suggest that they do it for a serious physical condition.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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cool87
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Sorry I shouldn't have posted them in the first place since it's not accurate.

Next time I'll try thinking about that BEFORE posting.

[ 07-31-2006, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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Thanks [Smile] .

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