posted
um...Sorry to bother you guys again, but another question that had been broading over my head for a few days now is just me wondering of how much sex alters a relationship? How does the male part (talking about female-male sex) react afterwards to the female? Is he more distant and cut-off, or is he closer than ever? Will he assume that just because you had sex that "BAM!", you'd do it again and again each time you'd see him? It seems that I'm asking these questions out of no where, but really I'm curious because I think that soon, I'd be ready for sex, but one of many problems is how he'd be afterwards. Please, if you don't mind, reply thanks.
-------------------- .::.The Feli.::. Posts: 5 | From: United States | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
It really depends on the relationship therefore on people. Some guys might become more distant while others will not.But I think that if you're in an healthy relationship right now with your boyfriend sex shouldn't lead to your guy being more distant.
We can't predict how your boyfriend is gonna react after sex. Just know that sex isn't magical. It is never a good idea to have sex with the idea that it will get you closer to your boyfriend. You have to know that sometimes, it doesn't even change the relationship.
If you still have doubts whatsoever on how he'll react after you both have had sex, I'd say think about if you're really ready to have sex with him a little bit more. That might be because you're not yet.
And most importantly, have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him on you feel, your insecurities. That might help.
posted
I'm going to ask someone to move this to the relationships forum, okay?
It's important to remember that not all sex is heterosexual (ie, there's not even a male involved sometimes) and also that men aren't all alike by virtue of their gender-- just like women, men can react in many different ways to first intercourse.
Cool is right that you really need to communicate with your partner about this, and make sure that there is trust between you. The effect that sex has on a relationship can vary depending on the people involved, but one thing that it often does is intensify aspects of the relationship that already exist-- so, if you have a loving relationship, it can intensify those feelings, but at the same time, if there is distrust in your relationship, or if one of both of you feel uncomfortable with your partnership, this is also likely to become more intense. In order to know if your partner is feeling any of these you need to talk, openly and honestly-- and you need to be completely honest with yourself and your partner about any doubts or fears you might be experiencing too.
posted
*grins* Thank you so so much! Once again you two are here to save the day! (YAY) lol By the way Beppy: I'm sooo sorry, I just assumed that since it involved sex, I could post it there (sorry) I didn't even bother to think about the "relationships" column =(....Naw, we have a GREAT relationship so far (nice and steady) and we've already talked about it for a bit too (he's a virgin too)...I suppose it's just a natural fear right before anyone has sex for the first time, especially when it's with someone so great. And I'm not having doubts, just mild worries that sometimes occur. I just wanted somewhat of reassurance and support on the topic, helping me think about it and knowing whether he'd be the guy that would be the same or change completely. Thank you both so so so much (Cool87 and Beppy) That's really eased my thoughts!
-------------------- .::.The Feli.::. Posts: 5 | From: United States | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
You ask a great question. I'm surprised that you're thinking so far ahead -- about what happens after intercourse. That's wonderful and very mature.
Your question is difficult for me to answer, because it asks about the nature of man, which isn't always pretty, and I don't like to admit to our imperfections. Yet, many of us have a good side too. That's what you want to look for when choosing a partner.
Below, I write an extreme view. I could argue with it myself, others might wish to in this forum, and that's okay. I'm talking extremes to make a point. Here goes:
One part of men is that we're driven crazy with wanting to have sex. There is a lot of variation in the intensity of how crazy, but that's the stereotype, and there's much truth to it. We'll sweet talk you, we'll buy you chocolates, we'll tell you we love you, and we may even feel it and mean it at the time. We'll do anything to get you to go to bed with us. Then, after you do, our crazy urges diminish and we can't be bothered with all that lovely beautiful stuff that you may want badly, that warm loving afterglow where a couple can lie in each others arms almost forever.
But it's not that simple. Again, here is a black and white explanation, though in reality there are many shades of gray.
There are two types of men. Dominant men -- the Alpha Male. The rough tough he-man who can beat up all other men like guys in the shoot-em-up movies. There is a certain attraction that some women have for this type of man. I won't go into the explanation of it -- heck, I'm not a woman and I'm not qualified, but there are evolutionary biological reasons for this attraction. Regardless of the reason, the dominant male, at least in nonhuman populations, gets to mate most often and spread his genes.
Nondominant males need a stragegy for spreading their genes too. Instead of beating up all their rivals and mating with lots of women, they offer one woman loyalty, food, shelter, and a partnership, so that she will bond with him and bear and raise children with him and spread his genes.
On top of all those biological strategies, built into our animal nature, is what we learn as we grow up. We have our programming (our nature), but we can rise above its baser aspects if we are willing to learn (our nurture).
Now, to answer your question. I believe that there is a built in tendency for men to lose interest in their partner after completing intercourse. The interest will come back as a man's sexual readiness comes back, but a sensitive and good man will learn that his partner may want to be cuddled and continue to feel loved, and he will learn to do this. And by learn to do this I don't mean learn to fake it. I mean learn to enjoy intimacy afterward too, and how nice those feelings can be.
So, when you choose a partner, I recommend that if you want to feel loved after having sex, try to read between the lines. Try to see if your partner is sensitive and willing to meet your needs and give what you want. Talk to him about your feelings and what you want in a relationship. See if he is willing to talk and to listen and communicate and understand. If he's impatient and just wants to get down to IT, or if you think he's just saying what you want to hear, perhaps he's not for you.
Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
I appreciate that you've qualified this with saying it's an opinion, and also pretty extreme, but just a reminder that not only are all men not even heterosexual and interested in sleeping with women in the first place, hierarchy (as in, dominant/submissive or non-dominant) is in and of itself one system, one applied theory, and not something we can say is a given for everyone, or always must have been, etc.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63261 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Maybe I get too wordy. I try to write interesting things, but I hope I'm not being self-indulgent.
I agree with Miz Scarlet, and a short version of what I said might be: I believe that in a heterosexual relationship some, perhaps many, men have a tendency to lose some interest in their woman partners after having intercourse. We, men, should try to learn to continue, after sex, to give and share with our women partners what they want.
Women who want intimacy after sex should look for a partner, male or female, who is capable of that, or, at least, of learning it.
Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Well I'll just add my oppinion. It depends if the couple is ready...if not then it may well end up as a disaster. I know I had sex with ym gf way to soon and it totally destroyed my relationship. now I have a girl who I love more than anything and im not planning on having sex with her for a loooong time. Posts: 53 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Sometimes guys will lose interest. Sometimes girls will lose interest -I appreciate Mr. Matthew being critical of his own gender, but us girls are not above "**** it and forget about it".
And it's not even wrong. Now, telling someone you love them in order to bed them and *then* forget about it -that is wrong.
I doubt a lot of ppl would do that on purpose -I hope not -but it can also happen ppl are not sure of their own emotions for two weeks straight. All that emotional turmoil is hard for anyone, guy or girl, straight or not, to come to terms with.
There's no reason to assume a guy will not love you more for such a wonderful sharing experience as losing your virginity together. But he also might not, for whatever reason -not because of you, just because he can't deal with it.
So be sure you're in the emotional state where you can manage on your own -love and trust your partner, but always know your well-being doesn't depend on them. Ppl react to sex in craziest of ways, it tends to be really emotional, and there's no formula. He might want to marry you, he might forget about you (or pretend to) -be sure you can handle any outcome, and if you can't, don't do it.
It;s not about "guys reacting to sex" its about "partner reacting to physical intimcy". It cannot be predicted.
-------------------- I don't get even, I get odder Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Relationships after sex either turn for the better or worse. So partners have different reactions which can't be predicted at all.
Communication is always important in a relationship. Talk to yuour partner about what you feel and see what is on his end.
My ex and I chose lose our virginity together, and yet we broke up a few days later on mutual terms knowing that we weren't going anywhere in our relationship. He couldn't handle the stress of being "exclusive" and I knew that we weren't really in love with each other or truly loved each other. We don't regret having had sex though.
My next boyfriend who's now my husband and I waited three weeks into our relationship (and he was a virgin as well). We got more closer as a couple when we had sex which then sex turned into making love, and five years later (this past May), we got married (we knew from the beginning we were meant to be together.. it was a matter of when we'd get married). We communicate really well. We talked about issues and everything before we included sex in our relationship.
So i hope i helped. But you just have to take things with a strain of salt and make sure you communicate always regardless if you have sex or not.
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