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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » confusing situation, am i a bastard?

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Author Topic: confusing situation, am i a bastard?
Archer4736
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Hi, just to let u guys know, if the awnser is yes, then its fine to say it, im not someone who is teatering on the edge of depression, who is scared to face the fact that my actions in this matter is wrong, but i could do with a bit of help.

2 months ago i met a girl at a mate of mines BBQ, we got chatting and really hit it off, not until 2 datesand much kissing latter did i realise she was only 16, she looks older, and acts more mature than most people her age. I am 20, this in itself isnt a problem for me, but i know i have to take it into consideration, shes not as sexually mature as me, having only had one sexual partner before meeting me.

My first problem is that in 9 weeks im off to uni, and not likely to come back, with few family ties to thew town i live, and my parents moving away. As well as the fact that next summer i am travling india for 12 weeks, its unlikely i'll see her much. I discussed it with her the other day, and she said its probably best if we break up, but stay real good friends. This sounds great, but that night one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed, she seems really happy that we just be bed buddies, without going out, but i just question the ethics. Should i be doing this?

The other problem i have is that i have started spending a lot of time with a girl who shares just about every interest i have, has a love of music, art, Russian literature, and History and politics. She is also near my age. However she recently had a relationship which ended badly with my best friend (who i am moving in with for 6 weeks to help look after his little bro while his family is away as hes a bit of a tearaway). Theres no way i can go out with her, but every time i meat her i like her more and more. She dosnt know the situatiuon with the girl im with now, and I know this would put her off me. Im ashamed to say i do like this second girl more.

I just dont really know how to handle both situations.

Should i just put an end to everything with Girl 1?
Should i acctually respect what she is telling me and just let it ride and enjoy myself?
Should i jepodise my friendship with my mate to get with Girl 2, even though im still off to uni?
If not how should i handle it?
Am i a bastard?

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
samantha357
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i think your just a guy in a sticky situation. So far, as i can tell, you haven't done anything wrong [unless your leaving out some details...]. I don't know how to help with the girl situation, all i can tell you is that you are not a bastard, who ever gave you that idea. [again, unless you have done something with "girl #2" that your leaving out, then that would be considered cheating, which is never good]

I wish you the best of luck and sorry i couldn't help more. [Smile]

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"All is fair in love in war... wait... that doesn't sound right..."

The love you cant have lasts the longest, feels the strongest... & hurts the deepest

Posts: 81 | From: Oklahoma, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wilddove
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i think you are a guy with a good moral attitude and not a bastard at all as you are thinking and not just acting out of lust or the like

will you be far from the second gorl in 9 weeks too and is it worth risking friendship with her ex your best friend for few weeks or would you tell her how u feel and tell him and slowly go from there?

the 1st girl you need to be honest with and if you are going to be intimiate with other or leasve better be honest, she is young and may be mature but I remember being 16 as was quite easy to attach and feel for a guy and 'wait' for them and say whatever thye wanted was fine and do long distance thing but inside would hurt when disover they moved on. as you are going to uni and are a young guy in your 20s with feelings and sound a nice guy quite likely u may get a girlfriend so not fair to keep her hanging on back home. be honest and make a clean break before u go to college

good luck hon

Posts: 112 | From: Ireland | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Archer4736
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New event tonight.

Girl 1, i met up with after her work, with 2 of her friends, and she told me that last night she kissed another guy. And felt guilty. This makes me think that maybe she isn't emotionalyh mature enough to handle that sort of relationship. Even though it was her idea. She seemed quite confused tonight and im not sure what is going on really.

I'm meeting girl 2 at a wine bar tommorow, to answer samanthas question: - no, i havn't done anything with girl 2, in fact i've never cheated in my life.

I feel like im not being honest with girl 1 due to the fact that im even contemplaiting something with girl 2.

My mate and i have a strange relationship, i really don't know how he'd take it if i told him i liked her, and i don't know what she'd say... i told her i used to fancy her when we were in colledge, but i think she thought i was just trying to be nice and lift her spirits after the end of the relationship with my mate.

Life is confusing... thanks for your help so far

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wilddove
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Ok I understand you are in a complex situation and perhaps you are right the 16 year old probably is not mature enough for this kind of relationship. I would not advise any young girl to be in a purely 'bed buddy' relationship why did she say that was cool with her? maybe she does not want to lose you?maybe her lust and emotioons and sexual desires are confusing her? only she knows and maybe she is quite confused

it seeems she really likes u and she shows maturity being honest to you about guy she kissed and fact she felt guilty

The thing is you are the adult here, you are young too and at 20 a man is not fully matured mentally or physically,so you need to make a deciscion

I feel if you are going to be sexual active with girl1 u should be her boyfrtiend exclusive for time u havbe left. If noy u need to breeak off with her anything that is romantic or sexual as in the end someone will get hurt if u are in bed with this girl then dating another

It seems u really like girl2 and as she is closer in age and experience of life perhaps thats what u like too, and had more life experience and of relationships

will u see her when u go to uni?

A girl changes a lot from 16 to 20 to 25 etc

For example at 16 i was mature and found people my age immature and was thought of as being mature for a teen. I would have considered sex with a guy older and who may not seen often(this happened but i didnt actuallty sleep with him)i seemed to fall in 'love' and felt so ready to be sexually active.

reality: i didnt lose my 'virginity'(ie sexual intercourse or something other then deep kissing) til i was 24

even though i wanted sex before that i wasnt actually mature enough to deal with the huge amount of issues that surround it

i regretted that as we broke up after a month

2nd sexual partnwe regretted we broke up after 3 months

this time i'll wait til i know its serious an long term and loving. neither og those guys said i love u too me

i will wait at least four or so monthsa nd need to be positive we love each other

sorry for going off at tangent buti just want u to get that a 16 year old may be more mature than most her age but she is still the teen/child and u are the adult so u have the more responisbilitly its tough i know

hope i helped and didnt confus things more

Posts: 112 | From: Ireland | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Archer4736
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Thank you,

Just to explain, the 16 yr old and I have been having a sexual relationship since about 1 month after we were going out. I think she wants a bed buddy relationship just so she dosnt loosethe sexual contact. I have said i am happy to break up and stay friends, or stay together for the time we have left.

I think i will keep in contact with both girls when i go to Uni... but ultimately i want to concentrait on my studdies, and life, and dont want a relationship when i go...

I guess its all just happened at the wrong time, but i need to gain some balls, and not let my emotions and lust get on top of me, just break it off with girl 1 and just be mates with girl 2....but its so hard

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wilddove
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it is difficult but you need to make descions

a teenage girl may say (and feel things genuinely) to keep a guy so it seems she doesnt want to lose you, and if she feels 'if i offer to just be for sex he'll be mine' then she may offer this even if deep down, even at unconscious level, this is not true

i think as she is relatively young u have a duty to avoid her from pain and too much confusion and upset so either be exclusivly with her and then breal up with a clean break at end of summer and go your seperate ways or break up now, sexually and emotionally (which are usually extremely interlinked for girls anyway not sure about men), and be civil and nice obviously but not sexual or romantic relationship so u are free to pursue studies or other relationships etc

i am just conscious that a 16 year old is a lot more vunerable in this situation and is a teenager still whereas u and this other girl and many friends and future uni friends male and female will be adults

u can be in contact with both sure just be honest and be straight and let them know where they stand and listen to your heart too

Posts: 112 | From: Ireland | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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Wilddove, please post in standard English. Netspeak and the missing punctuation make your posts really hard to read.

Archer, we try and stay away from deragatory terms (like "bastard") here. They don't do anyone any good.

Thanks!

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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wilddove
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I did post in standard English, apart from using u instead of you so sorry about that.

I think my post was easy to read but sorry if it was not for you.

Thanks

Posts: 112 | From: Ireland | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hopeless romantic
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dude... I think you should not date anyone right now, its to messed of a situation to do so.
Posts: 5 | From: PA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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