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Author Topic: sexual pressure from boyfriend, some is normal ?
cool87
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Is it normal for a guy to put some pressure on you for having sex ? I mean, I've been with the guy for a few weeks and we've talked about sex, me wanting to wait a little more to get to know him better but sometimes when we are alone together we cuddle and he tries to go a little further, you know putting his hands at those places.

But, I mean, he stop when I tell him no. It's just that I don't want to loose him and I sometimes feel guilty of not doing it with him. I am starting to think that I might be the problem since I have dated two guys that both put pressure on me for sex. I have dated other guys in my life ( there wasn't that age-gasp thing though, they were more my age ) and they didn't put that much pressure.

But the thing is I love this guy and I want to stay with him. And I was wondering if a little pressure was normal from him or if I should talk to him again and tell him to stop what he is doing because I am sure that I don't want to have sex with him yet and that I will not give in to him when he tries to get into my pants.

I want your point of view on that one. I don't want you to be telling to stop dating older guys. This one is only 6 years older than me, so there's not that much age-gasp. I really love the guy and I know that, I spent a lot of time with him.

[ 07-02-2006, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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It's not okay for a guy to pressure you once you've made it clear that you want to wait before having sex.

Especially if he's making you feel "guilty" for not having sex with him or that you'll lose him if you don't have sex with him.

I really love the guy

You only met this guy a couple of weeks ago. You've barely begun to get to know him.

So you can't "love" him - you don't yet really have any idea what sort of person he is.

It seems from your posts as if you may be pretty confused about what "love" is. This may be a language issue, but you seem to use the word to describe any sort of affection, attraction or attention.

What do you mean by "love"? What do you mean when you say you "really love" this guy?

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cool87
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Love can mean different things, it really depends on how you define it. So what is love for you ?

As for me, I am attracted to him. He's really cute as I like everything about him that has been said until now. Well, I really like him. I want to know the guy more before I do anything with him.

But I feel somehow pressure to have sex NOW or really soon with him. If it is not intercourse, it is at least oral sex or manual sex whatever. It feels like each time I'm alone with him, he tries to go further with me. He said that a lot of his other girlfriends have started to become intimate with him at this time, even girlfriends who had no experience with sex. I feel somehow pressured to do it with him. I told him that I wasn't sure I wanted to do it with him, that it maybe too soon for me. Again, he tries to reassure me and try to offer me other alternative like dry humping or oral sex. The thing is I don't know if I want to do that now, it seems like it is too soon. The thing is even if I wanted to do it, I wouldn't do it because it is too soon. But should I tell him no I'm sure, stop pressuring me. It is just normal not to want to do it right now ? He make me feel like it isn't normal not to even have like dry humping or oral or manual sex with him. For me it is still sex. And if I give in to that, maybe next time he'll try to go fro entire intercourse.

He didn't said I had to have sex with him or that he'll break with me if I don't. I just feel pressure because of his past experiences and the fact that he wants to have sex with me or that he'll get impatient. He don't really like that when I tell him no. I don't want to break up with him, I like him, I am not going to say I love him because I haven't gotten to know the guy a lot.

I'm really confused. I like this guy but I don't know what to do. Is there a way to really stop the pressuring he's puttting on me ? And do you think that's still because of tha age-gasp thing ? Have you ever had a relationship that last but was like that in the beginning ?

[ 07-02-2006, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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As for me, I am attracted to him. He's really cute as I like everything about him that has been said until now. Well, I really like him. I want to know the guy more before I do anything with him.

OK, so you like him and are attracted to him.

But that's not the same as a big romantic "love". People tend to reserve "love" for deep feelings of attachment and commitment.

Right now, it sounds like he is pressuring you, but in subtle ways - repeatedly suggesting sex even when you've made it clear that you aren't ready, making you feel that it's "not normal" not to be having sex yet, telling you that his other girlfriends had sex this soon, making it clear that he doesn't like you saying "no", etc.

So you can try talking to him and making it clear that you need him to stop this altogether.

But to be honest, he may not stop it. You've already told him that you don't feel ready, and he's still pressuring you.

So he may say all the right things, then go right back to pressuring you again.

And in that case, you do need to be prepared to break up with him, because you don't need this sort of stuff in your life.

I am starting to think that I might be the problem since I have dated two guys that both put pressure on me for sex.

It's not your fault that they're doing this - they are the ones to blame.

But it does sound like you may be making yourself pretty vulnerable in your social interactions.

And sadly, some people are very good at sensing that - often the people who are looking for someone who'll be easy to manipulate or take advantage of.

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cool87
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But it does sound like you may be making yourself pretty vulnerable in your social interactions.

What do you mean ?

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logic_grrl
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Well, for example:

It seems like you have a lot of difficulty asserting yourself. You get anxious and feel bad about saying you don't want to do something that your partner wants.

You take any interest as a sign of affection - for example, you thought at first that your ex demanding to see you alone meant that he must "love" you.

You have trouble recognizing danger signals (e.g. the situation with your ex again).

All of those things make it easy for someone who wants to take advantage of you.

Social interaction can be pretty confusing, and I've had big problems with it myself throughout my life.

But unfortunately, that can make you a target.

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cool87
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(I've had big problems with it myself throughout my life.)
How did you deal with it ? Did you learned it the hard way. Is there anything bad that happened with you ? I just think this could help me if you want to talk about it. But if you don't want to talk about it, I'm fine.

But do you think he is trying to take advantage of me ? I just don't know why he wouldn't stop pressuring me when I told him no. Each time he tries again even if the last time I told him no. I tell him: No. Stop I am not gonna have sex with you, and you pressuring me into it won't do anything and I just take his hands off me. So he stop. I can try to talk things out with him, but will he change ? I told him a lot of time that I didn't want to do it and he didn't change. I guess this isn't healthy right ? Should I spend other time with him alone or should I just stop that because this could turn into the same situation as it happened with my ex ? The thing is how can I know ? How can you predict that ? I just don't know why the two guys I dated lately have acted both this way with me ?

As for people being able to detect you're vulnerability, you're right. Sometimes they just don't have to ask me something, they just get it pretty obviously, even when I don't want to answer them. I just hate that. They just get it from how I react. I just don't think I can change that. Maybe only experience can change that.

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September
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If your guy is continuing to pressure you're into sex despite the fact that you've repeatedly told him that nothing is going to happen at this point, then I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound like a great person to be with at all.

If he cannot respect your boundaries and your wishes, then you really need to think about whether you want to continue to be with him.

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logic_grrl
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How did you deal with it ? Did you learned it the hard way. Is there anything bad that happened with you ? I just think this could help me if you want to talk about it. But if you don't want to talk about it, I'm fine.

I didn't get taken advantage of sexually, but I got bullied and isolated a lot, and ended up very badly depressed.

In my case, I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, which is a mild autistic spectrum condition, and which explains why I have trouble "reading" people and understanding social situations. So that may not be the same thing as your problems.

But it's definitely possible to learn a lot of social rules and guidelines, even if they don't come naturally to you.

For example, there's a great book by Michelle Novotni called "What does everyone else know that I don't?" - it's aimed at people with ADD, but I'd recommend it to anyone who has trouble with social situations.

Learning assertiveness skills can be very useful: a good book about this is "A Woman In Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson.

Getting guidance from other people - e.g. friends and relatives - can be useful; often they'll be able to "see" what's going on in a social situation more clearly than you can.

I just don't know why he wouldn't stop pressuring me when I told him no. Each time he tries again even if the last time I told him no. I tell him: No. Stop I am not gonna have sex with you, and you pressuring me into it won't do anything and I just take his hands off me. So he stop. I can try to talk things out with him, but will he change ?

OK, so it's pretty clear that he's not going to change.

As to "why", he's probably behaving like this because he thinks he can wear you down and eventually you'll give in.

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cool87
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So the best thing to do ? breaking up ?

If I have sex or just manual or oral sex with him, will he stop or will he try to go further next time ? I am not going to do it because last time I did with my ex because of the pressure (not entirely though) and I regreted it later.

[ 07-02-2006, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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No, he won't stop.

In fact, you'll have shown him that you'll give in if he pressures you enough - so he'll think that pressuring you works and will do more of it next time.

It seems pretty clear that he's not going to change, so breaking up is your best option.

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cool87
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But it's been two break-up caused by sex pressure. What's happening ? Is it normal ? I just don't want to date someone else and have the same thing happening with me again ?

What should I do in order to prevent that ? What should you do if you don't want your new boyfriend to pressure you into sex too soon ?

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cool87
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And is there another way to stop him from pressuring me other than talking with him or breaking up with him ? I hope there is still some hope here.

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logic_grrl
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No, there isn't another way.

And really, the guy has shown that he's a bully who would try and pester you into unwanted sex - why would you want to stay with a guy like that?

But it's been two break-up caused by sex pressure. What's happening ? Is it normal ? I just don't want to date someone else and have the same thing happening with me again ?

Well, as Miz S has suggested, you might want to take a break from dating altogether for a while, just to get things sorted out in your own mind. Getting comfortable with your own body and practising assertiveness can be a big help in developing skills to handle a relationship in a confident way.

Then you can look at how you get to know people and how you ended up dating these guys.

You may be sending off signals that you're vulnerable, and missing "early warning" signals that others are bullying or manipulative.

So paying some attention to that will help you protect yourself and hopefully get out of some bad situations earlier.

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wobblyheadedjane
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I would say that having a history of relationships that ended because of pressure to have sex is a pretty good indication that it's time to take a healthy step back from relationships. As logic_grrl said, your current partner is putting pressure on you because he hopes and anticipates that it will work. You've already indicated you might give in to make the pressure stop, which will a) make you feel worse, because you've said yourseld many times you're not ready for any type of sex and b) prove to him that pressuring you works. Neither of these are very good outcomes.

So, yes, breaking up with him sounds like a very good idea. It doesn't sound at all like a healthy situation, and following so soon on the heels on your ex pressuring you to meet him alone, it seems like a necessary time for you to take a break from dating anyone. Why not pick up those books logic suggested and give them a read-through? Learning to be assertive on your own, and self-confident in yourself goes a long way to creating social cues to prospective partners that when you state your boundaries clearly and firmly, you mean it.

But these are things that are best done while you're not in the midst of having those boundaries disrespected by a partner. If you can have a girlfriend or your mother back you up here for support, that would help a lot here too. The important thing to realize is your boundaries aren't being respected and you need to stand up for them - if that means breaking off this relationship so you can assert those boundaries, so be it.

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cool87
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I still had a last talk with him today. I told him to stop pressuring me, that if he was not going to stop putting pressure on me, our relation will be over. He said he didn't know that it was bothering me so much.

I'll say how things work out and I'm gonna give you news. I am going to be careful though because of what you said.

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bi_arcray
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Hello. sounds you got in terrible problem with that as to what should be ethically right for you to do. Well since yopu are asking my own point of view this is how i look at it. Before anthing else I just want you to know that I am a guy. Most of the time guys do such coercion mainly for two basic reasons: first, we would like to express our love to that person that sometimes we go beyond the border line, seconly, we have the tendency of doing that because of uncontrollable urges and appreciation to the lady. This would mean once more that we sometimes forget that our girl is not a playmate on that thing called sex but someone that we love so dearly that we could'nt afford to hurt. I advice thyat you t5alk with your bf about the do's and the dont's in your relationship now. Set up a limitation. Anyway someone could express his love to the other without doing sex. But again, since yopu are the girl and you are the one that is being ask to, it is you who will finally decide whether you will allow him to do that or not. If he really loves you, he will surely waut the right time when you are psychologically & physically ready to do that. Afterall, I think there's no reason for you to put thing in a hurry. I hope I was able to help you then.
Reply if you want and I would be happy recieving feedback from you.
God bless.

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cool87
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Thanks for your reply. I think what you are saying is right except for maybe this part.

Most of the time guys do such coercion mainly for two basic reasons: first, we would like to express our love to that person that sometimes we go beyond the border line, seconly, we have the tendency of doing that because of uncontrollable urges and appreciation to the lady.

Yes, I understand what you are trying to say but he's putting on me so much pressure that, at this point, I can't really say that his first intention is showing that he loves me. Okay, he doesn't need to put pressure on me all the time when we are alone for me to get to understand that he likes me or loves me as you say. He just have to tell me. It will be really more appreciable than the pressure. Plus, he doesn't even know if he loves me at this point, it's still too soon.

And I want to ask you a question since you are a guy and might have a different point of view on that. Is this that easy for a guy to know that a girl might give in for sex or to know that a girl is vulnerable ? And why is it such a turn-on for some guys ?

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logic_grrl
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Most of the time guys do such coercion mainly for two basic reasons: first, we would like to express our love to that person that sometimes we go beyond the border line, seconly, we have the tendency of doing that because of uncontrollable urges and appreciation to the lady.

Really, coercion is not a way to express love.

If you think about it in any other context, what that's saying is "I love her so much that I'm expressing that love by bullying and forcing her into unwanted sex! That's how loving I am!"

C'mon.

Secondly, these are not "uncontrollable" urges. Men are just as capable of controlling their urges as women are.

Cool87's right: her boyfriend's behaviour is not "expressing love", it's bullying and harassing.

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cool87
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Secondly, these are not "uncontrollable" urges. Men are just as capable of controlling their urges as women are

Yeah they have just two hands for that.

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cool87
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Another question. He tells me that it would be time for me to have sex, to loose it with him. That a lot of girls, almost every girls my age, would have lost it by now. I just don't know what to think about that ? And I don't know what answer to give him when he says that.

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ErinK
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Look, the guy really wants to have sex with you, so he's going to tell you anything that he thinks will persuade you. You don't have to "answer" his arguments with a logical reply. You just have to say, "I'm not those other girls, and I don't want to have sex right now. Either respect my decision or break up with me."

And, well, if he's gonna be a jerk like this, do you really want to date him?

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Heather
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quote:
Most of the time guys do such coercion mainly for two basic reasons: first, we would like to express our love to that person that sometimes we go beyond the border line, seconly, we have the tendency of doing that because of uncontrollable urges and appreciation to the lady. This would mean once more that we sometimes forget that our girl is not a playmate on that thing called sex but someone that we love so dearly that we could'nt afford to hurt.
This is one of the biggest piles of rubbish I've read in a long time. Hopefully, bi_arcray, this is stuff you've heard that pretty readily, you'll realize is utter rubbish, too.

After all, it's pretty easy too do the math and know that love + appreciation does NOT = coercion, pressure and forgetting women aren't toys.

And men's "urges" are no more uncontrollable than those of women. Men simply more often CHOOSE not to keep sexual aggression in check.

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Heather
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And cool87?

THREE CHEERS FOR YOU!

It's so great to hear you at a point where you're not buying this kind of hogwash. You go, girl!

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blueveggie
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so to sum it up.. ultimatum: stop the pressure or we're done.


self esteem RULES!!!


stay strong in yourself and know that this IS the right thing and that YOU are a woman of the world.. your own person... and YOU have control.


this is a two-way street.. and he's trying to take over your side.. time to break out the detour signs [Wink]

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cool87
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You know what ? I will break up with him. I don't want to get further in a relationship which will turned out like the other ones before. Because I know it could since there are so many similarities between the two.

I just think that it is not worth saving this relationship. I've told him before to stop pressuring me and he didn't stop. So why would he stop now ? That's how he is, and I can't change that.

You know what ? It's not that I am so dumb in recognizing the early signal of a troubled relationship, it's that I don't want to recongnize them. Sometimes I look back at the questions I was asking you, and I'm telling myself: how could I ever tought that ? It seems such idiot questions. You know, for example the fact that I tought my ex loved me when he asked to go see him alone at his house ? I look at this now and I'm thinking how could I have been so dumb in thinking that he loves me? He wants to rape me, to pressure me into sex and that doesn't even mean he likes me, so how could he loves me ?

The thing is having a relationship can change you, make you blind. I am a really great normally at identifing people's motives, intentions or things like that. It's just not the same when I'm in a relationship. It feels like it is way easier for me to tell someone that he's or she's in a troubled relationship that to tell myself that. It's hard to accept the truth. The truth can sometimes hit you in the face.

You showed me that refusing to face the truth could put me in real danger, for rape for example. I learned that I had to trust my instincts more even when I didn't feel like to.

I wanted this relationship to work and I was hoping that you could tell me the same thing. But it doesn't work like that. I have to come back to reality. Now, I know I'm back on earth.

I think that I'm going to stop dating for a while to recover from these two relationships that both ended abruptly. I am going to assert my sexual limits. I have a hard time doing that. I always had a hard time deciding on things. the thing is I don't know what I really want. I am just someone when deciding on something, take a lot of time and set up a list of the positive and negative consequences. I am somebody who really thinks through things. How could I assert my sexual limits ? How did you assert yours ?

But I know this is something really important to know if you don't want somebody else to set it up for you. If you hesit the slittest bit, they might think you will give in and thus, they can put pressure on you, thinking that's what you'll do just like it happened to me.

Thanks for your help. Your post made me see the light again. And thanks to Miz S for your encouragement (you go, girl !)I think that's the thing I needed to hear to put this relationship to an end.

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