Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Shy or Insecure or What?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Shy or Insecure or What?
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
the post called "Shy boyfriend advice" in this forum got my attention and i realized how similar my situation is, was wondering if anyone could give me some help...

basically my situation is kind of the same as the post previously mentioned, he isn't so bold about showing public affection, i kind of have to be the one to make the first move or be the one to initiate doing something or going somewhere together. but by now i was hoping he would get over the initial shyness or whatever it is that's hindering progression in our relationship.

we've been together a little over 2 months now, we work together so we see each other 3-5 days a week at work, and we call each other almost dayly, and he's told me how crazy he is about me, but he's extremely shy or maybe just insecure about actually going OUT with me. when we do get together and we have our alone time and we hang out it's great and we always enjoy ourselves, but anytime we make plans to go out among the living he ends up backing out of the date. i can't count how many movie/dinner dates he's broken (even if i have free movie passes so he doesn't have to pay!) and just this past weekend he ducked out of our plans to go to a mutual friend's wedding that we'd been planning on attending for a month all because he said he didn't get enough sleep and he didn't have anything nice to wear!

i'm totally confused. and to add to the situation he doesn't want anyone we work with to know we're boyfriend and girlfriend. because one of our coworkers has a serious crush on me and was heartbroken when i told him i was only interested in being his friend. he and the guy i'm dating weren't close friends but they did get along really well and occasionally would go out for drinks. so my boyfriend didn't want him to find out he was dating me, in which case we both would be hurting him, so out of respect for him and since the guy was going to be quitting the job in 2 weeks anyway, he asked if we could just hold off in the work place and not give anything away. - well the guy ended up deciding not to quit, so my boyfriend continues to ask that we remain silent about us at work. which wouldn't be so bad except that he gets extremely upset - overly mad - if i mess up somehow. like a couple weeks ago i asked him in front of the guy with the crush on me if he had the night off from work. that's all i asked, and sure the guy seemed a little curious about my question, but it was basically just me asking a coworker when he had off from work, i didn't think anything of it. but then i got a phone call that night from my boyfriend and he "scolded" me (he didn't yell, but he was really firm about it) for asking him that question in front of the guy and said i can't do that again. but seriously i can't tiptoe around this guy's feelings forever, i don't want to have to keep censoring my every word and action when i'm at work just because God forbid the guy catch on to us.

i mean put yourself in my shoes - we had maybe 3 dates (though we didn't go out, we stayed in) during the first couple weeks, we called each other a lot and whatnot, but for a MONTH AND A HALF the only time we saw each other was at work. that means no kisses, no hugs, nothing for a whole month and a half . and now it's been two months and we haven't even been OUT together once since the first time we started dating. it's like being in a long distance relationship when we only live 20 minutes away from each other.

sorry for the long post but i'm thinking over these past two months completely confused. he'll get excited about going to a movie or wanting me to meet a member of his family, or whatever, and then the next day he calls it off for one reason or another. we work 3rd shift so it's hard enough to find time to see each other - i mean outside of the workplace, on our days off i try to get him to go somewhere with me, even just a walk. but he always has an excuse.

even just being alone with him is hard to do. - as i mentioned before it was a whole month and a half before we were able to have a night to ourselves. (but that's hard to make happen because neither of us lives alone) still, what would make him so apprehensive about taking me out in public? he's always telling me how beautiful i am so it's not like he's ashamed of me, yet that's how it makes me feel when he calls off our plans. i know the smartest thing to do would be to ask him, but i never have a chance and it's something i want to speak to him about face to face, not over the phone.

i'm just wondering if anyone reading this might have been through something similar - is he just insecure in our relationship or what? it's been 2 months, how can i expect him to loosen up if we never spend time together to let that happen? i don't really think he's all that shy since the first time we hooked up he asked if he could give me oral! and he knows where i stand on all of that so he can't be worried about me rejecting him. but now he's pretty much even stopped asking me out, the few times he's asked to get together was on the weekends when he knew i'd have the house to myself. - alone time is nice, but i don't want that to be the only time we see each other (i mean other than work), because it could become a purely physical relationship if that's all we ever do together.

we have a lot in common so it doesn't make sense, what would be causing him to be so unsure about the two of us going out and doing things together?

[ 06-24-2006, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's really tough to say what could be going through his mind.

Firstly, it's justifiable for him to want to keep your relationship under wraps at work, whether the guy with the crush on you is there or not.

Most experienced volunteers on the board recommend avoiding dating co-workers for a variety of reasons: it looks unprofessional, may interfere with your work, and the fact that if things go sour, you're stuck not only seeing your ex every day, but finding some way to continue buisness as usual. In addition, co-workers can have difficulty scheduling time together, as you've found out. But, you're already in this situation.

The only way to know why your guy craps out so often is to ask him. Is it possible he's got some sort of social anxiety? Is he against public display of affection? Does he just need space? You can't know until you ask.

It looks like the phone may be your only option if you can't get together face-to-face, or at least partially. Why not call him up and say there's something you'd like to talk about, and ask if he could meet you for a little while? Since he seems to have no problems seeing you alone, choose your usual hangout spot. Express all the same concerns you have here, and leave the ball in his court.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
oh i understand about the work thing, i've dated coworkers before (granted i knew that wasn't a good idea) and i've always been able to be professional about it, but considering this job (overnight filler and maintenance for Kohls dept store) we're all a pretty tight family and even during lunch break we'll all sit together under the gazebo that's set up in seasonal and eat lunch and chat, but he wants to be completely cold towards me, which is funny since before we started dating it wasn't a big deal if i laid my head on his shoulder during our lunch breaks, he even encouraged it, but now if i were to do that he'd throw a huge fit.

i know he's not good with PDA because he's told me that before, but that shouldn't make him not want to go out on a date for goodness sakes. it's just frustrating. because while he's great when i finally get him alone it's still like pulling teeth to make that alone time happen - a month and a half as i stated earlier!!

that's a good idea to come right out and say that i'd like to have a one on one chat with him in person, but that's when my silly fears come up and i don't want to draw too much attention to the situation, even though it needs to be addressed, i'd rather bring it up when we were already together and the conversation naturally flows that way.
i really need to work on that [Roll Eyes]

[ 06-24-2006, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So who does know about your relationship? Is it a secret from everyone or just your coworkers?

The reason I ask is because I'm seeing some potential red flags here. It's one thing to keep a relationship from coworkers but another to keep it from everyone. And the way he's acting about secrecy just seems overboard to me.

Constantly backing out on plans sets me off too. If nothing else, it's rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Honestly, I think this is a relationship I would end if it were me. I know it can be hard to balance schedules but am I reading your right when I think you haven't been alone together more than once or twice in your two month relationship? That's quite extreme and makes me wonder just why he's refusing to meet you halfway here.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
yes we've only been alone together 3 days out of 60!! this is why i'm concerned.

(i realize the only way to know for sure what's going on is to ask him, but i'd just kind of like to know i'm not overreacting about the situation)

we talk and there's obvious chemistry, but it's ridiculous that i'm left alone so many nights when we originally made plans to do something.

July 4th is coming up and i'd love to go sit and watch the fireworks with him, but i'd bet money that he'll find a way out of that too.

my friends know about us dating and i'm assuming his friends and family know, but i've never met any of them so that's total assumption on my part - i say that because he'd been talking about introducing me to his bro and best friend when they came to town -- of course that didn't happen though. he'd originally asked me to go with them to a baseball game out of town (his friend's girlfriend would be coming too), but said he wasn't sure which days they were going but that i should take off work from those days to go with. well, i didn't take off work but it so happened that my job didn't schedule me to work those days so i was free anyway. so i told him this but he never mentioned again taking me with him when he went, i expressed interest in meeting them and he invited me to play poker with them one evening, but when i said i didn't know how to play poker he didn't talk anymore about it or me coming over just to hang out. it was just weird, the whole weekend came and went and he was off to the baseball game out of town for 2 days. when he came back i asked how it went, all he said was it was "fun" and mentioned that his friend's girlfriend was acting like a whore the whole time - whatever that means - and that was it. i was left standing there like "what the crap?" i have no idea what's going through his mind. and we haven't even really talked in like a week now, just idle chat. i don't know, it's just frustrating. cuz he says how much he loves being with me and how amazing i am but then we never have alone time and he's really quiet around me (when there are people around).

i don't understand it. i missed his call today, when i called him back he didn't answer (he rarely does cuz his phone is a piece of crap, so he usually calls me back when he sees i've called), but he hasn't called back and what kind of had me annoyed was last night i texted him during his break at work just to say i was thinking of him, but he didn't send a reply back or call or anything. i don't understand how someone can go from being crazy about me a week ago when we were alone together to being so distant and ... well that's where i have trouble, i know he's acting distant, but i don't know why. out of insecurity, uncertainty, shyness, or just thoughtlessness, i don't know. i HOPE he calls later tonight during his break at work, or at the very least tomorrow afternoon, because my patience is wearing thin and i am going to have to bring it up to him as soon as we have a "real" conversation.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Gah, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

The more I learn about your relationship the more I think "Abandon ship!" I hope you can work this out so you wind up happy but I have no faith that staying with him is going to work out for you. Being blown off all the time is not the way to have a healthy relationship.

Not the most optimistic advice. [Frown] If there's anything I can do let me know.

*Edited to add that I think having a real conversation about this is a fine idea and will hopefully have good results.

[ 06-25-2006, 01:47 AM: Message edited by: ookuotoe ]

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thanks, i really appreciate it.

another thing i just remembered... a few weeks ago he called me while i was at work, we talked for a while and he mentioned going to see a movie the next day (and he always phrases it "i'm thinking of seeing a movie tomorrow, do you want to come?" as if he'll go to the movie alone and my presence would be a perk) i told him i didn't believe him anymore when he says that because he's broken too many movie dates in the past. and that's when he admitted things weren't going well for him, he said something to the extent of "i'm really sorry i've been so f-cking nuts lately, things just really blow for me right now." and basically went on to say the same thing a couple more times before our phone convo was over, apologizing for the way he'd been acting. i had hoped that meant things would start to pick up for us, but obviously i'm still in the same boat.

i just really need to have a serious convo with him asap. i know he's kind of been stuck in a depression for a long time, he doesn't even like living in this state. he's told me many times over how the best times he's had since moving here was with me, and i believe that he meant those words when he said them, but it's like he forgets how he feels or represses those feelings or something, argh it's just so frustrating. i wish he'd talk to me about whatever is bothering him, i've told him that before, but he just doesn't delve into detail.

[ 06-25-2006, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I still haven't had a chance to have a serious convo with him, but when he called tonight I brought up the 4th of July and invited him to go watch the fireworks with me. ... and he tells me he will if he's around. i said, "where are you going?" and he says he might be going to visit his brother that weekend.

his brother just left last week after visiting for a week and now he's going to spend the money for a flight out to see him? he doesn't have money to spend like that, he doesn't even have enough money to pay rent.

so what i'm wondering is am i overreacting about not seeing him this weekend? should i respect the fact that he would rather fly out to visit his brother and sister-in-law in california for 3 days and not bother him about seeing me instead? i just thought it odd that he wouldn't want to take advantage of those few consecutive days he has off from work and maybe spend time with me for once. laying on a blanket, under the stars, watching the fireworks. maybe that's just something girls find romantic and enjoyable, and guys would rather be out at a bar drinking. i dunno.

he always says the best times he's had since moving here are when we're just laying in each other's arms. why doesn't he ever want to follow through on that.

[ 06-26-2006, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with your conclusion that you need to have a serious talk with him as soon as possible.

ookuotoe made a very good point in saying that his wanting to "downplay" the relationship is a red flag.

quote:
his brother just left last week after visiting for a week and now he's going to spend the money for a flight out to see him? he doesn't have money to spend like that, he doesn't even have enough money to pay rent.
If may be frank, honey, this is looking like one steaming load of BS. They just recently visited each other-- that is, if the plan even IS to go anywhere. It could be just an easy way to avoid you if you think he's out of state.

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I mean, sure, it's okay for a partner to once in awhile say "Hey, I need some time for myself" or "I haven't visited my family in awhile". But this has gone on for near the entirety of your relationship, and you've expressed your discontent.

So yes, a serious talk would be good soon. Honestly, to me this behavior brings his feelings about you into question, and putting things out on the table now instead of later is the way to go. Keep us updated.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i just had a thought, and this could just be me rationalizing the situation, but here's what occurred to me...

when we first hooked up he immediately started talking about giving me oral, and just about touching me in general where i was not comfortable being touched at the time. we'd been working together for 6 months at the time so i knew him pretty well, but this was the first time either of us had expressed our true feelings toward each other. when things started to get a little heated i told him i wanted to take things slower, that's when we had the talk about me being a virgin and all that, and he was ok with it, asking me how far i would go that morning - we didn't talk long term commitment, just in terms of that morning - and i said what we were doing was pretty much the limit - which was basically a lot of making out and dry humping, i didn't want his hands to roam or anything because i just wasn't comfortable with that yet. he said he was fine with that and we had a great time. only once he pushed the limit, when things were really in the heat of the moment and he reached both hands down the back of my pants, at which point i immediately got up and he apologized.

well we got together twice after that and things were basically the same, but then it was about a month and a half before we got together again a couple weekends ago. he came over at around 2 am because i had just had a terrible night, everything had gone wrong. so he called and asked if he could come over and i said yes and told him i didn't want to be alone after all the crap i dealt with. so he came over and right away things got hot, we ended up in my bed, he was fully clothed but i was down to just a thong and we had dry sex and manual sex (also fisting, which i had no idea he was doing at the time, i just suddenly felt like his whole hand was inside of me, it didn't hurt or anything to give me reason to pause, i just found out what it was he was doing through a search on this site). but i told him i wasn't ready for oral. especially since none of this was being done with protection and i know he's given oral to other women so i wanted to be safe if we did it.

well, what i'm wondering is could it be that he figured all i needed was just for enough time to pass between us, and that if he waits long enough in between us seeing each other that the next time i'll be willing to receive oral, just like after he waited a month and a half i was ok with manual? i suppose that could be his thought process... wish i could get some time alone with him to talk seriously about it.

[ 06-27-2006, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I honestly don't know what he's thinking.

I do know if his plan is to neglect you until you're ready to have the kind of sex with him he wants it is time to run like hell from this relationship. Seriously.

If your sexual boundaries are causing him to not want to spend time with you or even have real conversations with you he is not worth your time. When boundaries in a sexual relationship change it is usually the result of developing trust and intimacy. These things do not happen overnight and are much easier to come by when you spend time together. Not time at work where you can't express your feelings, but time together as a couple.

At this point it probably sounds like I am actively trying to break up your relationship. [Embarrassed] I wish I had something hopeful to say but with each post you make I see more red flags and fewer reasons for you to stay.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by ookuotoe:
When boundaries in a sexual relationship change it is usually the result of developing trust and intimacy. These things do not happen overnight and are much easier to come by when you spend time together. Not time at work where you can't express your feelings, but time together as a couple.

thank you!! that's what i've been thinking about this whole time but couldn't figure out how to put it into words.

saw him last night for the first time in like 5 days - but of course that was at work. [Roll Eyes] he was normal when i first got there, made the usual idle chit chat. but then as the night progressed he got more and more distant. there was only us and a few supervisors working. during our breaks he completely avoided me to sit in the breakroom - you don't know how insulting that is because you don't know how things work at this company. overnight workers do not eat or sit in the breakroom, it just isn't done. we usually gather around the gazebo or in the shoe department. using the breakroom just isn't done, yet here he was sitting in there alone, taking a nap on one of the uncomfortable chairs instead of in his usual spot out on the floor with me (and where the others would've been had they worked too, but it was just me and him). ... so yeah, that stung quite a bit. i just don't know. i don't want to confront him before/obviously not during/or after work about anything, it's even hard for me just to say "hey can we schedule a time to just talk" cuz yeah i just don't want him to get even distant. he and i only work one more day this week - thursday.... he's still been calling me every day, but our phone calls only last like 5 minutes.

i don't want to call anything off between us until i can really have that talk with him, but it's so difficult to make it happen. we both have tonight off, but guess who i WON'T be seeing? maybe he'll call if he gets bored... i pray to God that he does so i can bring all of this up to him. it's to a point that i don't even need to see him in person to talk this out, just over the freaking phone will suffice. in the mean time i'm absolutely miserable and stressed out. it just sucks.

oh and i guess i jumped the gun about his brother - i forgot he has 2 brothers, the younger one actually lives in town with his wife, it completely slipped my mind. so i guess it is plausible that he'd be visiting his bro this weekend. but still...

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok so... he called me just now (2 pm), woke me up from a sound sleep (since i worked last night) so i was a little out of it while we were talking. he said how he just wanted to call and talk since he didn't get a chance to say goodbye to me at work this morning, etc. i told him how i was insulted he went in the breakroom instead of hanging with me and he said he was extremely tired and just wanted to sleep. the conversation for the most part was light hearted and full of humor, cuz he's a funny guy so there's usually a lot of banter between us - not real conversation.

unfortunately i got caught up in the banter and sort of crossed a line, i knew it as soon as i said it. something about how he was a pretty sucky boyfriend because we never do anything together. ... he paused and i realized what i'd said (keep in mind my 2 in the afternoon is like your 2 in the morning, i was still in sleep-mode) he said "well it's not like i don't try to see you, but i'm the only one with any mode of transportation" i said "true, but it's been like 2 months and we've only seen each other 3 times. and everytime we plan to do something you back out of it for one reason or another" and he got all quiet and said "i don't want to fight. ... you're making me feel bad" (and well i probably did with that "u suck as a boyfriend" line but again it popped out before i thought it through) i apologized and said it didn't come out right and i didn't mean it like it sounded, i just really missed him. basically i had killed our convo though and he hadn't even been to sleep yet so he wasn't really all there either... he said he'd call whenever he did wake up which could be as late as midnight. before my infamous blurt he actually asked if he could come over and pick me up and i could hang with him at his place for a while, but i told him i promised my sister i'd hang with her this afternoon and i didn't want to break that promise. (after all that's what he's always doing to me) and he said "oh well, i tried" - to see me. like that was enough and it's all my fault that we don't see each other. which is around the time i brought up the situation. and things turned sour. he wasn't mad, he just seemed really hurt. and his voice got really small, and i found my self apologizing to him, instead of him just owning up to the truth.

he said he'd call tonight and possibly come over.

but i just don't know.

also he says i'm not a very good conversationalist - my last boyfriend said the same thing - i never realized this to be a problem, but he says he's always the one who keeps the conversation going and that i need to talk more. and i just don't know what that means...

i know i can add a lot to a conversation, i mean when there's already a topic established and we can get into a real discussion. but just talking to pass the time, i guess i don't know how to do that, because i analyze everything i say before i say it, and i never quite got the hang of just blurting out whatever's on my mind, especially the more trivial things that don't mean anything, just to fill the air. so he put me on the spot to come up with a topic of convo - i didn't appreciate that but started on the first thing i could think of and he completely cut me off after like 2 minutes with a random question to change the subject. so it's just really frustrating, cuz how i am supposed to "learn to talk more" if he doesn't respect the things i'm going to talk about?

but like i said this happened with my last boyfriend too - i was really quiet with him though because i just wasn't comfortable with him. i'm friends more with my current bf (or at least was before we started dating..) and i always thought i did fine with the conversation with him, i thought HE was the quiet one... so now i'm all self-conscious about that. how does one go about making themselves more talkative?

there are just so many bad things that came out of his phone call this afternoon, he criticized me and my friends when he heard we had a pool party on sunday saying "what are you guys, 12 years old?" just cuz we don't drink and get wasted at a party, we do things like play volleyball/basketball and just chill and watch movies. it's so frustrating that we come from two different backgrounds and he doesn't try to understand mine like i do his.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Shimmer:
thank you!! that's what i've been thinking about this whole time but couldn't figure out how to put it into words.

Glad I'm not just the little stormcloud that can type. [Smile]

Have you tried calling him and saying right off the bat that you want to have a serious conversation, no banter? My friends and I have to do this from time to time because we're all pretty sarcastic and making it clear that a particular conversation isn't the time for it makes things work much more smoothly.

As far as the lack of transportation goes, that doesn't have to be a big deal. Obviously you're getting to work, can whatever you're using to get you there be used to get you to him? If not, can you make plans to meet either before or after work, as is convenient, and go out together from there? I don't get the impression that you expect every date to be this grand, lavish affair so perhaps you can communicate to him that you don't so much care how spend the time together but you want to have time together. Just taking half an hour to walk together after work sounds like it would be an improvement.

One last thing, it's really disrespectful for him to criticize you and your friends. It sounds like you were just having a good time and enjoying being with your buddies, something that, in my opinion, your relationship could use.

[ 06-30-2006, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: ookuotoe ]

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thanks for the advice! i've kind of considered the before/after work thing before, but just never put much thought into because i always assumed he slept all the time, but i just found out he actually never sleeps until sometime in the afternoon, which means he *should* be up for doing something in the morning when we get off from work...
i take the bus or i get a ride from someone to work - not exactly reliable to get me to his place which is not near a bus route. i know he's not really adverse to dropping me off after work occassionally (yet all i get for a goodbye is an awkward kiss on the cheek - and that's only if i ask for one!) so maybe one of these days i can get him to do something in the morning after work. and like you said, i don't need for us to do a lot, or even want anything as expensive as a dinner (or breakfast, as the case may be), just a quiet walk, where we can talk and get to know each other better, etc.

before leaving work this morning i asked him to join me and my friends for an outting tonight... but he said he decided to go with his bro to a concert in milwaukee ... so ... yeah. i said "will you be around saturday?" and he says "maybe" and then laughs and says "i never know when i'm going to be around" ... i said "well it's good to know i'm such a high priority for you..." and he just paused for a second and laughed it off. i should've just told him then that we needed to schedule a time to talk ... but i don't know. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i really hope i can convince him to see me saturday (i realize i just said "i hope i can convince him" in reference to my boyfriend, the one person who should WANT to see me volunteerily) and we can talk then. if i don't see him i'll at least call him and tell him we need to talk. ... it's so frustrating. it's emotionally draining, because i have all these thoughts and concerns built up inside of me with no outlet, no way to fix them. until i talk to him.

and i know this is bad, but when he's in a good mood i don't want to bring up the issue of a serious convo cuz i dont want to dampen any possibility of actually enjoying being with/talking to him, cuz obviously these instances are rare in and of themselves. but i will talk to him soon. i have no choice - my health is getting so poor because of the neglect i've been dealing with, and by me bottling up my emotions.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i talked to him somewhat tonight.. again, we didn't really schedule a time to talk... he was on his way back from the concert... called to tell me he was probably going to hang at his brother's all weekend. .... i said fine. because i'm just fed up. and he asks if i'm free monday to do something with me then. i said yeah i'm free. and he says we can plan on doing something then. i said "you always say that. and then nothing happens." and he goes "i know, i'm just not a planner, i do things on whims" i said "you don't even do that much with me, you never just call me up on a whim to do anything, meanwhile you're breaking dates left and right so you can do those whims with other people" and he actually agreed. he said things are just really crazy for him right now. with his work schedule he never knows when he'll be sleeping or something like that and he just doesn't know what he wants out of life, or what he wants to do with his life. we just kind of ended the convo there cuz i wasn't in the mood to have this kind of discussion and i knew he didn't want to have it over the phone, he sounded pretty awkward. i don't know.
Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry this isn't getting better.

I think the best thing to do is to tell him you need to talk and set a firm time and location to do that. The sooner the better.

In between now and whenever that is, think about what you want from this relationship. Also consider what you need to do to contribute to that and what you need from him. Hopefully you can find a way to work this out.

I want to say, since he seems unwilling to try to improve things on his own (at least he's acknowledging that there is a problem), that I would end things if he does not come through on this. By that I mean if you set up a time and he blows you off there are no more chances, it's over. If the two of you come up with a plan to improve your relationship and things are immediately back to where there are now, end things.

This has gone on for quite a while and you deserve to be treated with consideration. Especially since you say this is affecting your health -- is it worth it?

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thanks.
yeah... there's a lot spinning in my mind right now. so much that i can't even put into words. he told me he'd call me tonight if i wanted him to... i said sure. ... but i don't think he will. and i don't even know that i want him to. we work together on sunday night, after we're through in the morning i'll ask him about planning a time to talk, and hopefully he won't try to to avoid it.

[ 07-02-2006, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok so here's an update...

he asked me to go to California with him - as in to live there. with him.

now here's the deal: for like 5 months he's been talking about moving back there to get back together with his band and play music, music is his life and he was only here because his family lived here, but he wanted to go back to Cali. so i was fully aware of this when we started seeing each other a few months back.
well last sunday (the 2nd) he called me and told me he'd made the big decision of moving there, and asked if i wanted to go with him because he knew there was a school out there i was interested in going to. said how serious he was and all i needed was money, faith, and a reason and to let him know if i wanted to come, all i'd have to do is jump in the car with him and go.

well as nice as that sounded reality did kick in and i realized i couldn't go. for a TON of reasons. the obvious ones being that if i went with him and we split up while we were in Cali i'd be there alone basically and have to fend for myself in a new environment with little or no money. but not only is our shakey relationship a problem but i also can't go because i'm helping my mom afford the place she's currently living in. if i leave she won't be able to pay the house payment. and besides that i won't be able to touch any of my money until she sells the house (which she isn't planning on doing for another year or two) and from the way he's talking he wants to leave in just a couple months. - not nearly enough notice for me. he can just pick up and leave without a problem because he just doesn't have any belongings except a laptop computer and the clothes on his back. but me? i've been collecting crap for 21 years in the same location and i can't afford to store it somewhere while we chase our respective dreams.

but anyway, it's been a week and we still haven't really talked about it since he called the day of. i don't know if it's because of me or him that we're quiet on the subject, but like i mentioned earlier i apparently suck at keeping a convo going, so i dunno.

i DO know that this is stupid and i should just get out of this relationship right now - it isn't going anywhere, esp with his impending departure hanging overhead. plus yet another couple of weeks have come and gone that he and i could have seen each other and still nothing! zilch. i've even suggested doing something after work in the morning or coming over and hanging out before work and i get the same answer "no i need to get home and eat something" or "i really need to sleep, i didn't think i was going to make it through work last night" etc, and it's just so tiresome. because he'll give me rides home from work and call every day and he'll flirt a tiny bit (as much as he can while still being professional) at work, but .... i don't think it means anything. maybe it did at one point, but now i just don't get it. plus it really bothers me when he drops me off after work that all he'll do is give me a kiss on the cheek! and i had to ask for it the first time, otherwise he wasn't even going to kiss me. ok, maybe he didn't know if i'd want him to since we don't "talk" like we're dating or see each other like normal boyfriend and girlfriends do, but still, just once on the lips would be nice! now i don't have to ask for a kiss, he'll lean over and kiss me on my cheek before i leave, but... it just makes me feel like i'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do - EVEN THOUGH he's been doing this since i met him - he never kissed me on the lips unless we were making out. to say hello and to say goodbye it was always a kiss on the cheek, i never understood it. so i know logically it's just his way and i shouldn't take that as a sign that he's lost total interest in me, since when he was still crazy about me he still would only kissed me on the cheek.... but yeah, i don't know.

just a jumble of thoughts...

that sunday morning we talked about it he said he was leaving in mid-august, but the other day i asked exactly when he was planning on leaving and he didn't give me a real answer. just said it would have to be soon because he was going to go crazy if he was cooped up here much longer.

i still really really care for him, he drives me crazy - unfortunately both positively AND negatively speaking.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
isabelle
Neophyte
Member # 29931

Icon 1 posted      Profile for isabelle     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok I'm lazy and I didnt read all the replies so I dont know if I'm repeating myself so I apologize!

anyways, I'm dating a very shy guy too, in fact he was so shy someone else closed in on me first and he was right there and he didnt do a thing about it! for a while and still today I'm dancing a very complicated love triangle from his inaction. but he is crazy about me too and we finally started seeing eachother.
I became the guy in the situation and pushed him into things like hugs and massages. he still couldnt bring himself to kiss me and I knew he wanted to so bad.
but to more we spent time alone together, cuddling and kissing etc he started to relax alot more and now we're sexually active and he isnt scared to come up and kiss me.
but I think he loves me and hes too scared to say it [Wink]
anyways, just be the man for a little while; take initiave, this boy sounds alot like my bf, just inexperienced and overwhelmed(like my bf who hadnt ever even kissed a girl before me)...it doesnt make them any less cute or lovable.

Posts: 29 | From: usa | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Shimmer, I'd just like to applaud you for your level-headedness and forethought. You've really got your priorities straight, and it's refreshing to see.

It's mega-weird, at least to me, for him to go from unaffectionate and barely paying attention to you to super-romantic-run-away-with-me mode. Kudos to you for recognizing that one.

To reinforce what you've said, California IS far away from where you are now. And as a resident here? It's really fah-reaking expensive. One can expect to pay at least 800 a month for a VERY simple one-bedroom apartment. This guy is talking about leaving his job, and having you leave yours. Honestly? Musicians are abundant here, and rarely do they make a good enough living to get by. So I certainly hope he was planning other means of income.

I honestly wouldn't make the sacrifices he's asking of you, either. I'd advise you to cut your losses and find somebody who can actually make up their mind how they feel about you, without being so whimsical.

Good for you once again. Let us know how things turn out, okay?

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks [Smile]

it's kind of crazy... i finally got him to come over last saturday and hang out... i really wanted for us to talk, i'd even told him that earlier in the day when we got off from work, so he'd know that's what i wanted when he came over. BUT.... well it didn't happen [Frown] we sat down to watch an episode of Rescue Me and before i knew it we weren't in the same room we started in and the talk that we were having wasn't what i had in mind. it's so frustrating!!! because i just want to be with him so badly and yet logically i know what i should be doing, and believe me i'm beating myself up for it. i asked him again about california, and he said he's planning on going in september. don't know how set in stone that is, but i know eventually he is going to go. he lived there before, so whatever he did to meet expenses then i'm sure he'll do again.

i sort of tried to bring up what i wanted to talk about, obviously it wasn't the perfect time to do that, but i really tried because i figured this was the last time i'd see him alone again for a couple weeks (crazy i know) so i tried to bring it up... through the craziest of ways that i won't even get into, and at one point i managed to ask "what are we anyway? we never go out so we're not even dating!" and he laughed and said "i know, but why bother since i'll be leaving soon" .... *raises eyebrow* that made me feel so ... used? i don't know what the word is i'm looking for, but suddenly i felt really dirty. we'd been using the words "bf and gf" but in reality that couldn't possibly be what we were, and it just hit me what we *were* doing and it seemed soooooo utterly wrong. i mean, ok so we care about each other, BUT we still really don't know each other and are pretty new to each other even on a friendship level (since he's been distancing himself from me we've gone backwards quite a bit) - so this couldn't even be called "friends with benefits" - it was like having a one night stand whenever he got lonely. that really cheapens things because i know it runs deeper than that, but in that moment that's what it felt like to me and i had no drive the rest of the time we were together. and he was tired. so eventually he left.

he'd been asking me to let him read my poems for a long time now. so earlier this week i finally wrote one and gave it to him - wrapped inside of it i stuck a letter telling him how i felt and told him all of my concerns. i knew i'd never tell him if i didn't say it in a letter. so yesterday at work - it took him a long time to get the courage to bring it up to me (and i admit i wasn't going to be the one to bring it up unless it was over the phone), he didn't say anything until it was about 15 minutes until the end of our shift - when he ran into me in the back of the store, he stopped and turned around and said "oh umm hey, i liked the poem, it was really good..." he paused "and i saw you slipped a little note in there too" and he smiled big and added "you little sneak." his smile just makes me smile so i smiled back and he finished "we're gonna talk about that later right? next thursday?" (since i'm going on vacation with my mom for a week) i told him yeah and that was it... so we'll have to see how next thursday turns out... he seemed in relatively high spirits for something like that.. i mean i kept the letter pretty lighthearted, i stated my concerns but i made sure i didn't bash him or anything and i made a few jokes in there too so he wouldn't feel like he needed to be defensive... so i hope we get things sorted out next week. i don't really think of him as my boyfriend anymore, but he is becoming a very good friend, and i hope i don't let that get cheapened again...

oh funny sidenote.. after he left my house last week he gave me the usual peck on the cheek and big hug... and as he let go i couldn't stop myself from asking "why is it i only ever get a kiss on the cheek?" and he got really flushed - and the boy just doesn't get embarassed, so this was weird, and he started to stumble over his words "well it's just something.. that.. i don't know" and then he -really awkwardly- bent over and gave me quite possibly the quickest peck on the lips i've ever had! and of course then a hug, because for whatever reason he always has to give me a big squeeze before he leaves - but i just thought that was so funny!! that when i did ask for a kiss on the lips STILL all i got was a peck! and i mean we barely even touched before he backed away, i don't get it [Confused] he doesn't have a problem kissing me when we make out, i mean it's limited compared to other guys, but i know he can do it!
i remember when we first hooked up we messed around in a lot of ways before he finally kissed me on the lips, and of course by then it was a big make out session so it's not even like we got to relish our first kiss together, it's just kind of strange to me. i dunno.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by isabelle:
anyways, just be the man for a little while; take initiave,

Just a note, anyone can take initiative without "being the man" -- that really has nothing to do with gender. Please don't perpetuate stereotypes.

Shimmer, you must have the patience of a saint. You started this thread four weeks ago and, with the exception of his impending move, there's been no change. I'd have blown a gasket by now. [Smile]

Seriously though, don't hesitate to do whatever it takes so you will not feel dirty over this relationship. If you think of him like a friend, treat him as one. It seems pretty clear that you do not want a friends with benefits relationship.

Thanks for the update!

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
was it only a month ago that i started this thread? seems like a lot longer!!

he called last friday... while i was out of town... but i answered my cell anyway (at 70cents a minute long distance) just to hear his voice. he wanted to talk finally... naturally he had to choose to do that when it was the most expensive time for me to talk. i wanted to talk but obviously there were factors that kept me from doing so - i was in a hotel room with my mom in the bed next to me so i had to keep my voice quiet so as not to wake her up, plus she had an air purifier going so the noise made it hard for me to hear him, and the high cost of long distance calling wasn't really incentive for me to want to get into a long discussion. he tried, i'll give him credit, he tried to talk to me but i just pretty much ushered him off the phone and apologized for it because i didn't want him to get discouraged and not want to talk to me in the future (which hopefully will be tonight, a week later). one thing that has me confused (again) is when he was feeling me out about california, he said something like "you're going to be pretty bored when i leave for cali, what are you going to do?" and i kind of shot back jokingly "well it's not like we do anything when you're here so what's the difference?" and he went completely silent, so much in fact that i thought we got cut off (cuz my phone had been disconnecting us) but i looked and we were still connected, i said "hello?" and said his name, but there was still no answer, which is when my mom woke up and told me about what the phone call was costing me so i told him goodbye. but yeah i just don't get it. he has to be aware of what he's put me through, yet it seems anytime i bring it up he recoils, doesn't want to talk about it or cause a fight and he gets defensive and sad, maybe there's more to this that i don't understand because he's never let me in and told me but i can't imagine why he wouldn't just explain to me WHY he's been doing this.

anyway... we both have tonight off... but i just don't see him wanting to get together. i don't know, maybe he'll call? i could always call him and make the move to get us to try talking again. i really need to stop putting him on the spot like that by taking shots at the situation and just genuinely and tactfully address the issue so he doesn't feel attacked.

what was kind of nice... was when he brought me home from work this morning he remembered what i'd said to him before - about wanting a kiss on the lips rather than the cheek. i didn't expect him to remember so i sort of tilted my head to the side but before i could fully turn he smacked me right on the lips, i think i let out a girlish glow of giddiness at it because he seemed pleased with it - much more at ease than the first time he tried it a couple weeks ago when i put him on the spot and asked why he only kissed me on the cheek. for the first time today i actually felt like he wanted to kiss me goodbye, it always seemed so forced before.

i know, i must be crazy to have stayed with this man (boy?) for so long, but i can't help myself.

[ 07-28-2006, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mr. Matthew
Activist
Member # 29890

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mr. Matthew     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Shimmer,

I picked out some of stuff, you wote, to comment on.

You want your colleague to "spend time with me for once. laying on a blanket, under the stars, watching the fireworks. maybe that's just something girls find romantic and enjoyable, and guys would rather be out at a bar drinking. i dunno."

Not me. Not now and not when I was tewnty-one. I, and many men, would love to lie with a friend under the stars. There's nothing nicer.

"i don't want to call anything off between us until i can really have that talk with him, but it's so difficult to make it happen."

The young man you write of doesn't want to "talk." He doesn't want to communicate in any meaningful way. He doesn't even want to spend time with you. And, since you don't seem to be giving him sex, what the heck does he want from you? To have you fawn over him?

fawn (from Merriam Websters dictionary)
1 : to show affection -- used especially of a dog
2 : to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

He's got you on a string, and he can pull you to him any time he wants, but most of the time he ignores you. This isn't a relationship. You're being abused and abusing yourself.

"also he says i'm not a very good conversationalist - my last boyfriend said the same thing - i never realized this to be a problem, but he says he's always the one who keeps the conversation going and that i need to talk more. and i just don't know what that means... how does one go about making themselves more talkative?"

Some people talk a lot and some don't. Here's an old saying: "Still waters run deep." Here's another: "Empty barrels make the most noise." If your writing ability is any indication of your ability to talk, when you have something to say, you're a super good talker. Be yourself. Don't be concerned that you have to talk a lot to be desirable. It just ain't true.

"if i don't see him i'll at least call him and tell him we need to talk. ... it's so frustrating. it's emotionally draining, because i have all these thoughts and concerns built up inside of me with no outlet, no way to fix them. until i talk to him."

Talking to him won't help. He's not a listener. From what I hear, he doesn't care about you.

"he asked me to go to California with him - as in to live there. with him."

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO THAT. It won't solve any problems. It will create problems. Your situation will get worse. You'll be even more dependent on a man who doesn't care about you.

"i just want to be with him so badly and yet logically i know what i should be doing."

I've been rather harsh in what I've said above. I offer you my deepest sympathy. I know your feelings are intense -- you write about them so well. You do want to be with this man. You want him to love you. You want him to be different. But you know, you just said it, that "logically" you know what you should do. I'm very sorry this is so hard, so painful. It isn't working with him and it isn't going to. You know that. Admit it, as hard as it is, and break it off. But it would be valuable to have someone you can talk to when you do. Try to get some support to help with your pain.

When I was in my twenties the Vietnam War was was going on. I escaped being drafted and sent to Vietnam by working on instruments of death and destruction -- airplane fuel guaging systems. My brother was a radical, and though he was understanding, many of his friends used to give me grief. I got to be a pet project of theirs. If they could get me to quit, they thought, they would be antiwar heros. They cared about their success (in getting me to quit my job), not my discomfort with what I was doing.

One day I realized how difficult my position was, and that I needed help, and I blurted out with: "I don't need criticism, I need support." The moment I said it I knew I had to quit my job. You just said the equivalent. You said: "Logically i know what i should be doing."

Try to have the courage to do what you know is right. I think, eventually, you'll feel better for it. Meanwhile I offer you love -- from an anonymous stranger to another because I care. Many at Scarleteen care about you. Take this caring and use it to empower yourself.

With my greatest respect,
Matthew

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Mr. Matthew:
The young man you write of doesn't want to "talk." He doesn't want to communicate in any meaningful way. He doesn't even want to spend time with you. And, since you don't seem to be giving him sex, what the heck does he want from you? To have you fawn over him?

fawn (from Merriam Websters dictionary)
1 : to show affection -- used especially of a dog
2 : to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

He's got you on a string, and he can pull you to him any time he wants, but most of the time he ignores you. This isn't a relationship. You're being abused and abusing yourself.

i have to admit this is a possibility i had completely overlooked. and i thank you for bringing it to my attention.

i really appreciate your honest and forthright thoughts on the matter - i've always enjoyed reading your comments on other threads and i respect your opinions. but as you know this is still a hard pill for me to swallow. i let myself fall for him, knowing at the time what i was getting into. i don't know know why i let myself do that, this isn't the first time. i guess just because we did click so well on a friendship level i assumed things would pick up after we finally expressed our feelings for one another. it seems silly looking back on all these months how we've actually gone backwards with our friendship.

i went to a friend's birthday party tonight and it kind of killed me to see my friends with their gf's or bf's so happy and together. i wanted to call him and ask him to join us, but we're so different in what we consider "parties" - if there's no beer there he assumes it's a kiddy party. and the guy is deep too, which is why i don't understand how he can belittle me and my friends and label us immature because we don't drink at all, much less drink to get drunk. he's a really smart guy, and i'm definitely not blinded by my feelings for him there, intellectually he really turns me on, so when he makes comments about me and my friends being immature just because we find other things to do to entertain ourselves it's so frustrating, because i know he's smarter than that and he must understand that assumption on his part is completely untrue and unfair.

anyway, i got off on a tangent there, but yeah so i felt really bad because i wanted to share the fun with him - knowing how his crazy sense of humor would mesh really well with my friends and they'd actually hit it off, but i knew he wouldn't come, he'd find an excuse to get out of it, and i just didn't want to hear another excuse, so i didn't call. when the party was over i texted him a message saying hello and seeing if he was around to talk, but never heard back from him.

knowing and admitting i know what i need to do doesn't seem to really make it happen for me. usually that's the step that leads to taking some form of action. but i find myself unable to really let go. i really had to examine my feelings for him when it came to the nature of our relationship after our last meeting and how wrong and almost dirty it felt. the last relationship i was in was purely physical, i never wanted to do anything with him outside of the house, when we saw each other i just wanted to lay on his couch, conversation i didn't want to have with him because we didn't have anything to talk about. i was afraid if all my current "boyfriend" (that's not what he is but i'll call him that anyway i guess) and i did was physical that we'd end up like me and my last bf did. but fact is i long to be with him doing things together that don't involve the physical stuff, i want to just sit up and talk with him til sunrise and i want to go out and do things together that he'd do with any of his other friends, and knowing i want that kind of eases my mind a little that at least i know i'm not using him. i genuinely want to know him better, i just wish i knew if that's what he wanted.

because what you said was so true and it's really made me think and wonder what his intentions are. they can't possibly be the same as mine if he's gone this long without changing. and maybe it isn't even a conscious thing (i know, i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt again) maybe he doesn't realize the destructive nature of what he's been doing.

or maybe he knows and he just can't stop himself, just like i'm aware but can't quite bring myself to walk away either.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mr. Matthew
Activist
Member # 29890

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mr. Matthew     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Shimmer,

It's so nice of you to say you enjoy my posts. We all love to be appreciated. I know you do.

So, okay, hang in there and try to del with your feelings. You know what you should do, and eventually you will find the strength. We all have weaknesses to deal with. Try not to feel too bad about the difficulties you are having. You will overcome them in time.

Just, meanwhile, be safe. Don't go to California, and don't get deeper into your relationship, such as it is.

This is really none of my business, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say: if you are asked for sex, by this man you write about, don't trade sex thinking you'll get affection in return. As you know, sex can be dangerous, and it doesn't sound as if the man in your life is the type of man who cares enough about you to participate safely or lovingly. I appologize if I am being too forward by speaking about this very personal matter.

You are a good writer. That's a skill that you'll have your whole life and that you can continue to develop. Take satisfaction from it, as you clearly do.

I'll check in with you here, once in awhile, and see how you're making out.

Keep trying your best,
Matthew

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
thank you Matthew.

you were not being too forward, or at least i don't consider it forward in this particular forum. i don't mind touching on the personal matters, if it's not done here it won't be done much elsewhere.

he's said countless times that it doesn't bother him that i'm a virgin, he just doesn't understand it. and he's never pushed me to do anything (i know a lot of girls say that, but this is the honest truth. he'll ask what i'm willing to do, and not press me to go further.) every once in a while at the start of our "relationship" he would double check to make sure i hadn't changed my mind about having sex with him but he always phrased it simply "...but you won't have sex with me right?" and i'd tell him again where i stood and that was that. it just wasn't something i ever felt pressure from him to have to do. but i will admit it's crossed my mind a lot this past month because like you pointed out my instinct is to get some kind of affection in return from him, and in the back of my mind i'm wondering will that make it happen --- even though i'm fully aware he could just as easily lose total interest in me (if he hasn't already) after the sex since then he would have gotten what he was after.

i've talked to everyone i can on the subject, hoping for some kind of varied response, but it's all pretty much the same and it's obvious i'm in an abusive relationship, albeit in the form of neglect.

i know my writing skills are good, i just wish i could talk the way i write. i can very easily type out my life story in a heartbeat, but when trying to form the words audibly to express how i feel i just find myself taking forever to find the words and then stumbling over them in the process.

we'll see how things go. he texted me last night, said we couldn't talk over the phone because everyone was sleeping and he didn't want to wake them up (even though he's never had a problem in the past just walking outside to talk to me, apparently that would be asking too much this time). so i texted him back, tried to get him to see that i am in need of a serious discussion - an hour passed with no reply, so i texted again and he claimed he had sent me a reply but that i didn't answer him (my phone has missed calls and texts in the past, so i didn't really want to question him). we sent a few more texts but it was too difficult to keep track of anything said because it's hard to have a conversation when you can't see the person or at least hear the tone of their voice. and then i got a random text from him saying "are you there?" i thought that meant he wanted to call me (since he's asked that before to know if i'll answer), so i said "yeah" and he replied "confused... yeah what?" and so i decided my phone must have just finally received an old message he'd sent me before that hadn't come through originally. so i explained that to him and he texted back that he was going to sleep since something was wrong with our connection and he was tired.

this left such a bad taste in my mouth. AGAIN communication was not on our side.

i'm finding myself so much in need of just some kind of love and affection that i seriously considered an ex-bf's invitation to see his new apartment and go to a movie. honestly i want to be with my current "boyfriend" and i have no feelings for my ex except the physical desire to be held by someone - anyone - and here he was, my ex, within reach and wanting to be with me. it took every fiber of my being to say no, i knew i'd do something i'd regret - but that just shows how far this has driven me, i'm ok on my own, but when i'm in a relationship that has served up nothing but neglect and rejection i've found myself in dire need of affection.

we both have tomorrow (sunday) night off, it'd be nice if we could get together then to talk - just for once - but i know that won't happen. another lonely night will come and go - and what's worse is that i shouldn't be alone. i can deal with being alone, i took many long breaks between dating and serious relationships just because i liked that emptiness, that alone time. but when you're in a relationship and NEVER see the other person when you know full well all they're doing is sitting at home and you're doing the same, it just eats you up inside. because you know you both would rather be with the person who's supposed to care so much about you. and suddenly being alone only makes you depressed.

it's so draining.

[ 07-30-2006, 02:09 AM: Message edited by: Shimmer ]

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok so here's the weekly update.

he called me tonight... to tell me thank you for the gifts i'd brought him back from my vacation (just a shot glass and a lil guitar to hang from his rear view). he was genuinely appreciative of it... had already left me a message earlier in the day saying thank you. but yeah so he called... and we talked, but not really, just shooting the breeze - i know, i know, why didn't i try to have a serious convo with him u ask? after all this is what i've been dying to do for months it seems. but the time just wasnt right.

he's on vacation now, well he /will/ be gone on vacation, right now he's crashing at his younger bro's house i guess. but he kind of charmed me into casual chatter - he was saying sweet things like "i wish you were here" and "i miss you" and how he just wanted to hear my voice, etc. and the thing of it is i actually find myself believing him, because this past week at work he's done a complete turnaround - he's sitting next to me at our lunch breaks and freely talking with me, walking with me and waiting around for me before he leaves work in the morning to say goodbye. it's been really nice, and although it's subtle i've obviously taken notice of it because i was getting zilch from him before. (i've been extra depressed lately as well as sick with a cold/flu bug and i've had to work every day this week so i was in pretty bad condition, maybe he just felt bad for me)

unfortunately another reason he called was because apparently one of our coworkers deduced we were together and he wanted to find out how this guy knew.... he was really upset with me about it, though he kept his cool the whole time. i mean i'd be pissed at me too if what he thought happened actually happened.
but the fact of the matter is one night at work - i'd had only about an hour's worth of sleep in the course of 48 hours - and one of the workers - who by the way is extremely creepy - started prying into my personal life after having eavesdropped on a convo i was having with a girlfriend (also a coworker, but who was aware of my relationship with my boyfriend and it was ok with my boyfriend). so after he found out i'd been asked to go to california he started asking unlimited questions and trying to play the role of my psychiatrist, going on no sleep and feeling completely attacked i thought the sooner i answered the questions the sooner he'd shut up. but for every question i answered he countered with another and i'm just not the type of person to say a firm "mind your own business" if i'm not in my right frame of mind - you know, when you're past the point of overtired, you reach a place of hyperactivity where you just don't have it in you to fight, and believe me this guy wasn't going to take no for an answer, he was going to follow me around all night - and yes i could've gone to the supervisor but she wouldn't have done much about it and he still would have pryed, so i just wanted to shut him up as soon as possible, and i thought to do that i just had to answer what he wanted to know.

now one important factor is that i never told him who my boyfriend was, only that he'd asked me to go to cali. in fact the next night we were talking about a former coworker and he asked if this was the guy i was going to california with - i have no idea why he would assume it was a coworker or that it was this particular one we were talking about, but it was unnerving. so it's not really a surprise i guess that he finally figured out who it was.

well long story short (i know, i'm not good at making long stories short) he told my boyfriend everything i told him and so now he thinks that i told this creep for fact that it was him i was dating and whatnot. i tried explaining the situation to him and he seemed to understand. said he'd never hit anyone in his life but he really wanted to punch this guy out after hearing how manipulative he was. (and apparently this same creepy coworker has a thing for me, which is also getting under my bf's skin)

anyway.... yeah, i feel like i'm living in a soap opera :\ i still refer to him as my bf but the feeling isn't there when i say/write it... obviously there's still something between us, but heck if i know what.

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3