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Author Topic: Your opinion on monogamy?
shroomroom
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My boyfriend and I are 15 and 16 years old and are both sophomores. In just four days it will be our one year anniversary. We are very much in love and every day we talk or think about what it will be like living together, and getting married, and all that. We've never cheated or even wanted to, and are still best friends even aside from dating. The thing is my family and even my dad's friend always tell me that I'm limiting myself and i need to move on. And that seeing each other every day and living together will just make us hate each other. But, we pretty much do see each other every day anyway, sometimes during the summer for 15 hours a day. I'm not even interested in anyone else at all at school. What do you think about staying with someone that long when you're still young? Is there really no hope for us making it through high school?
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-Lauren-
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Parents and older people often do tell young couples to explore other romances, and encourage them not to settle so young. While there is basis to that, it doesn't apply to everybody. You ultimately decide what you want to believe about your current relationship.

However, a few things stick out to me. You both are exceptionally young, and are seemingly spending a great deal of time with each other. While you might not be exploring other people romantically, you may not be leaving a lot of room for other experiences, hobbies, or activities that you could otherwise be engaging in.

It's not really wise for anybody to constantly dream and fantasize about a till-death-we-part relationship, especially when young. I'd encourage you to try to come to terms with what you want to do, apart from your boyfriend.

I don't agree that spending every waking moment together, or living together will make you hate each other, as your family stated. I've seen it cause burnout in MANY cases though, especially if couples don't enjoy seperate hobbies and freetime of their own.

So your best bet? Try to enjoy all of what you can do right now, and focus on the here-and-now, instead of banking on what eternity holds. [Smile]

[ 06-20-2006, 02:44 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Faith54
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Both my boyfriend and I are 15 and have been together for 14 months. Have we discussed marriage? Yes. We both sincerely hope that we will last, and I know I will be heartbroken if we break up, BUT we can't predict the future. We're not planning our wedding or anything of that sort. We know we may break up. It's best just to enjoy your time w/him now.

Do our parents tell us to date a variety of people? Yes. For some people, monogamous relationships aren't that great. I love mine though. Each person has their own wants and needs.

15 hours almost everyday? Yikes. Don't you ever get sick of him? [Confused] Lol my boyfriend and I recently decided to start talking less b/c our conversations were dying and we needed more to talk about. I only see him about once every two weeks, but that's enough to keep me content and make time for my friends. Maybe you should do the same? If you guys spend so much time together, you will probably burn out faster than you want.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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Mathilde
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quote:
15 hours almost everyday? Yikes. Don't you ever get sick of him? [Confused] Lol my boyfriend and I recently decided to start talking less b/c our conversations were dying and we needed more to talk about. I only see him about once every two weeks, but that's enough to keep me content and make time for my friends. Maybe you should do the same? If you guys spend so much time together, you will probably burn out faster than you want.
Yeah. I'm 17 and I've been dating my current (and first) boyfriend for a year and eight months. I don't do well on the phone most of the time, and we only see eachother about once (maybe twice) a week, due to our own lives, etc. I couldn't imagine seeing him for that long every day. Don't get me wrong, I care for my boyfriend dearly, but I would hate to get sick of him. We enjoy the time that we do have together, and if I have that, then it's good.

Do we discuss marriage? No. I don't feel it's necessary at this point. If that time comes, then I will happily discuss it. I'm more focused our high school careers at this point, anyway. When he goes off to college, who knows what'll happen? Only time will tell.

[ 06-24-2006, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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kluekozyte
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I have a story about this. I had been in a serious relationship for two years with a wonderful girl. We loved each other and spent a lot of time together, sometimes to the exclusion of other friendships. She was 14 and I was 16 at the time this took place. What took place, was I went off to summer camp for eight weeks.

Suddenly I felt like a different person. No one knew I had a girlfriend at home, girls seemed to be all over me, I turned into a huge flirt, and I even felt popular. It was incredibly intoxicating. I was still planning to remain faithful of course, but I thought a little non-sexual physical contact between friends was fine. Then, to my absolute horror, I fell in love with someone else. It was a very tricky situation, and nearly everone's advice was "You've only had one girlfriend, and you're that serious? You're in high school, you need to have more experiences."

I decided not to cheat on my girlfriend, but end our relationship instead. So I called her up and told her I wanted to break up with her because I needed to have more experiences, and I felt limited. I wasn't entirely honest at first about the fact that there was somebody else. The new relationship felt amazing for a month, and then it spiralled into a complete mess as my new girlfriends' personal problems became more and more evident. We broke up with a lot of hard feelings, and haven't talked since.

I went back to school where I saw my ex every day, and over the course of several months, I slowly realized that I really still was in love with her. Now we're happily back together, but that awful episode over the summer and fall cause both of us so much pain that we're barely the same people. In fact we're both much more mature and knowledgeable about these things.

What's the moral of this story? I have no idea. I'm not sure I could have done anything differently, although I wish I could have caused less emotional strife to everyone involved. I certinaly did have an 'experience' though, and it taught me a lot.

I guess I'll leave you with this: It's great to have a lot of learning experiences in high school relationships, when the stakes are lower (i.e. no kids, houses, custody battles, divorce cases). This is the time to experiement. But if you are lucky enough to have a serious relationship in high school, it is a wonderful thing. Don't sacrifice it just for the ability to have more 'experiences'. But at the same time, don't let it take up your entire life; maintain yourself as an individual with your own friends and your own interests.

I apologize profusely for writing so much; I hate it when people can't be concise, so if you don't have the patience to read this, I forgive you.

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Master_Of_Puppets
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I've got a split view on this.

1. I believe in monogamy in the sense that eventually (for some people) its time to settle down and get married have kids and focus on that one person and your family. The constant of two parents is important in a child’s life (in my humble opinion). Hence keeping the same relationship and not exploring other ones at that point.

AND

If you’re dating one person its wrong to cheat, because even if they don’t know and aren’t hurt they could definitely catch an STD from you being with many other sex partners which certainly hurts them in the long run.


2. I also feel a little bit tempted to take a piece of everything available, if you know what I mean. I think that’s human nature as well, teens are not only social…they’re sexual and it’s not really right to deny that. While you’re young you definitely should see what’s out there for the taking and see as many people as you want…but perhaps not all at once.

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kluekozyte
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Master of Puppets: I think you've hit it right on the head. Settling down is necessary for most people. But at the same time we want to sample all the experiences that are available to us. The goal is balancing the two, and doing it without hurting anyone (including yourself).
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domncroxd
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My parents have been telling me the same thing - that I shouldn't limit myself to one person, and that when I'm in the workplace, I'll find other, 'better' people. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and he's back in his home state for his research year. My parents are afraid that in that year we'll be apart, 'stuff' will happen, such as us breaking up, or coming back to find that we've both changed, etc.

While these views and worries are plausible, I still believe in monogamy and that it is what keeps a relationship going.

Also, while Master_of_Puppets has a valid point about "I also feel a little bit tempted to take a piece of everything available, if you know what I mean. I think that’s human nature as well, teens are not only social…they’re sexual and it’s not really right to deny that. While you’re young you definitely should see what’s out there for the taking and see as many people as you want…but perhaps not all at once.", I also think that if that is the case, then don't commit in the first place, but just see different people.

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still flowin on the river of life...and i have no regrets.

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Monotonous
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My partner and I have been together for a little over a year, and spend almost everyday with each other. He's going to be a Junior next year and I'm going to be a Sophomore. I honestly believe that if both people are mature enough, regardless of age, that a long-term monogamous relationship in high school is not particularly unhealthy. 15 hours is a little much, but if you don't get sick of him then I don't find living with each other leading to hatred! The thing is, sometimes relationships burn with passion in the beginning and then sizzle, sometimes painfully. If you are understand that they can leave whenever they want to, and that you're not necessarily going to be together forever, by all means, show your family that you can be in a serious relationship! If you end up getting married and living together and staying in love, they'll certainly regret having discouraging you in the first place. Sometimes adults really do underestimate the emotional powers of the young. [Big Grin]

Happy 1st year anniversary, by the way!

(ours was on 6/6/6; tee-hee)

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-Lauren-
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The main thing I learned with my serious highschool relationships is that I set myself up with very unrealistic expectations.

For example, spending 15 hours together a day is simply not something most adults are able to do. There's work, there's money worries, there's personal time. Even if a couple living with one another is lucky enough to have semi-matching shifts, that leaves a few hours at best of actual time spent together. With married couples, that's often less.

I agree with the posters above who say that they'd honestly get sick of seeing somebody that often, no matter how much they love them. If it works for you, go for it, but try to keep in mind that it may not be the best mindset to stay in if you want the relationship to last.

[ 06-24-2006, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Master_Of_Puppets
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quote:
Originally posted by domncroxd:

Also, while Master_of_Puppets has a valid point about "I also feel a little bit tempted to take a piece of everything available, if you know what I mean. I think that’s human nature as well, teens are not only social…they’re sexual and it’s not really right to deny that. While you’re young you definitely should see what’s out there for the taking and see as many people as you want…but perhaps not all at once.", I also think that if that is the case, then don't commit in the first place, but just see different people.

Well, I mean that more in the sense that when we're young and youthful we need to learn what we like and want somehow. So ideally, while you're young is the best time to date and pick and choose from everyone around you. Its enjoyable when you're young -- you know?

Obviously, if you still have those urges you shouldn't commit yet. I agree.

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Brianna
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(My boyfriend and I are quite strange, somewhat anti-social people so bear with me)

Personally, my philosophy is "If you have a good thing, don't let it go". Yes, it's good to experiment IF you don't have someone very special to you. I particularly don't agree with "get as much experience as possible". I feel that growing with someone as a person gives a lot more experience than having multiple flings.

For the 15 hours a day, my boyfriend and I did the same exact thing. We'd spend all day, every day together. It slowly, but surely, started feeling extremely routine, and I started to feel trapped. I felt like I couldn't live my own life, and I couldn't be with my friends or do my own thing. We talked about it, and decided to get other hobbies that had nothing to do with each other. We both got jobs, he was on track and field and football, I went shopping with friends, had slumber parties (because I truly am 10 years old inside, haha), and sure, we'd see each other everyday, but it wasn't so constant, and I really think that we rebuilt the foundation of our relationship, and it was MUCH stronger than the first.

Do I think you guys can make it through high school? Sure. If you're in a serious, committed relationship, I don't see why you can't make it. I don't see why you can't make it through college either. The odds may be against you, but who cares? Be an oddity. Be one of those couples that lasts forever.

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bellaitaliana69
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I think that it's very possible for a high school romance to last past high school. For example, I have two friends who have been dating eachother since the 8th grade and we're in 11th grade now. It's wonderful that the two of you are so happy together, but becoming so serious when you're so young can be dangerous. By all means, enjoy your relationship, but don't take it so seriously that you ignore all the other aspects of your life. After all, we're only young once, so we have to enjoy every bit of it.

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

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nirvana7
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I know exactly what it feels like to have your parents tell you to "explore and see other people." My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, and after about three months with him, my parents began to tell me the same thing. They were afraid that I was only staying with him because I was afraid of not having a boyfriend at all. However, as our lives became more and more complicated (I now am attending college 3 hours away), my parents began to see how willing we were to make things work, despite all the other opportunities to explore other people that were available to us. My parents, as well as his, understand how much we care for this relationship now, and never mention to us to try other people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe your parents think you are settling for something just because it's available. They want you to be the happiest you can be, and just settling for something that's not truly best for you would never allow you to be completely happy.

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