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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Help me out with this one

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Author Topic: Help me out with this one
Member # 6514

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My friend Keshia has known this guy Cristian about 6 months, and they've been dating for 3 weeks. She's 19 and has a 2 1/2 year old son. She started dating Cristian and everything was fine at first. He'd come over every night and stay the night and they'd just sit up and talk. They started really falling for eachother, so they decided to have a relationship.

After they started dating he told her that he had a 3 week old daughter from a previous relationship, which nobody thinks is his (he's latino, the mom is white, and the baby looks chinese). She was stunned when she first found out, and the babies momma started calling her all the time demanding that she stop talking to "her man." They eventually worked everything out and her ad Cristian kept dating. They had sex a few days ago for the first time together.

After they had sex he started acting distant towards her: ignoring her calls, ignoring her text messages, and telling her that he'd come over but he never would. He was basically blowing her off. She finally got ahold of him and wanted to talk about their situation. He had told her that he thought they were moving too fast, which broke Keshia's heart because she was really falling for him.

She doesn't know if she wants to stay with him because her previous relationships had been just like this: they'd fall for eachother, then the guy would ignore her for awhile, then he wouldn't, and they'd still be together. Then a little while later the guy would tell her that he didn't wanna be with her anymore after leading her on for so long, and she'd end up heartbroken.

I keep trying to tell her to listen to her heart, but she's confused. Her heart is telling her that she should stay with him, but at the same time it wouldnt be a good idea because there's that fear that would get hurt again like in her past relationships. But then again her mind is telling her to just stop the relationship right now before she gets too incredibly attached.

I always give her the best advice that I can but she's always so uncertain of what she should do. She follows my advice most of the time, and I just feel like she's not ready emotionally to deal with this stress, being a single mother is hard enough.

If anyone has any further advice on what I can do to try and help my friend out, I'd be very appreciative. I just wanna help her out in any way that I can. Sorry for the story being so long!

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


Posts: 294 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647

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Really, the best you could do is just be there for her. It's hard when a relationship with someone you care a great deal for doesn't work out. She will need time to sort out her feelings on this, so just let her know you're there if she needs someone to talk to.

Also, it seems as if she is battling something more than just this relationship. Others before haven't worked out for the best, and since she's having a hard time with that, maybe some counseling would be beneficial.

It also may not be a bad idea for her to keep away from intimate relationships for a while.

As for this guy blowing her off, I think his behavior is unacceptable. It'd be best for her to keep space between the two of them and try her best to move forward.

Good luck with your friend [Wink]

[ 06-02-2006, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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I agree with Lea 100%.

In addition, your friend needs to know that while her son is still quite young, her dating habits should start to change now. It can be very hurtful for children to become attached to a single mom's dates (same goes for single dads) and then see the parent dump the person. Once the child is older, dates should probably only be introduced once it's clear that the commitment is serious. And overnight stays, especially that early in a relationship? A definite no-no.

That isn't to say she should hold off on dating forever. Like Lea suggested, she should just take some time to figure things out, and evaluate what she wants out of a relationship. I agree that this guy is bad news, and that she should do her best to break it off with him, even though single parenting can get awful lonely.

You're a good friend for sticking by her, and good luck!

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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My own rule in my life -- which may be helpful for your friend -- has been that with the women or men I date with children, I will NOT meet the child, at all, unless that person and I have been DATING for at least six months, with an eye towards SOME long-term relationshiop, even if it's friendship rather than romance.

I have always had that rule as someone who worked for a long time in ECE expressly because of what Lauren noted above. It's worked out pretty well for me and dates of mine with kids.

This guy clearly has a big issue on his plate to work out right now, being the father (and who knows if he is, but basing that idea on how an infant looks is more than a bit silly: most infants look pretty enigmatic in that regard for a while) of a brand new infant, and having an unresolved relationship, clearly, which he needs to resolve.

The guy wants to slow things down: from everything you've posted here, that sounds incredibly wise. if he's saying that as a blow-off, he'll fizzle out and that'll be obvious. But regardless, sounds to me like your friend should pull back anyway (and perhaps, especially given she's got a kid of her own to parent, try not to get so attached so fast in the future).

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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