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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » can't let go of his past

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Author Topic: can't let go of his past
Member # 20869

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Hey all,
I'm having a problem coping with my boyfriend's past relationship. Before he dated me, before he even got to know me, he was dating this other girl whom he thought he was desperately in love with. He got played really badly, however. The thing is, I don't know why I always get riled up and jealous over his past. He used to want to be able to make amends with her, and I used to help him because I thought that it'd make him happy. Only now, after 9 months, did I break down and say all the awful, bottled-up jealousies and rage, about how I wanted him to delete photos of her, etc. It sounds really crazy, but I would like to find a way to cope with this. I don't want to always remain jealous over the past, and he's been good to me and never cheated on me.

Thank you for your input!

Posts: 53 | From: Melbourne, Australi | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I think what helps in a situation like this, is to realize that you love your boyfriend for who he is now - and he is a product of his past, just like everyone else. Meaning that his experiences have made him the person you love now. Besides, he is chosing to be with you now, and you say yourself that you are happy with the relationship and that you trust him.

So, accept his past and move on. Really. Dwelling on the past isn't going to help you and if you allow yourself to go into jealous fits of rage over something that happened a long time ago, you're going to create unecessary problems in an otherwise happy relationship.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 20869

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Thank you for your advice. It's been a rocky journey, but I'm doing my best to get out of this mindset.

Have a good day everyone!

Posts: 53 | From: Melbourne, Australi | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aela 57
Member # 27587

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I'd guess that you're concerned about his past girlfriend because you're concerned that on some level he is still in love with her, and that she maybe could have him back if she wanted to.

It's not an easy situation coping with exs but maybe by dating you, and seeing how genuinely nice you are to him, and how you really value him and treat him well, he already knows you're so much better that she ever was.

Especially with ex-loves there's often a bit of you that likes to indulge in reminiscing, and that's probably why he likes having a couple of old pictures, but it only takes a second for the bad memories to come flooding back.

I'm sure he's totally happy he has someone as good as you there for him and loving him. The fact he hasn't completely forgotten his ex and any of her bad traits too, isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Aela. 19, 5'9. Often confused.

Posts: 20 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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