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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My first

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Author Topic: My first
MarilynMonroe
Neophyte
Member # 29090

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Hi,

My boyfriend of 3 months, whom I truly love, (I know it sounds amateur, but it's true) and I just had sex for the first time the other day. It didnt happen the way I wanted my first time to be, but it happened.

I know I can't take it back but I can't believe I've lost my virginity. I knew I was eventually going to have sex with my bf but I just wanted to wait for a better time and place to have it. I knew this while I was having sex, but I realized how DUMB I am: I have an issue with saying "no" to people and rejecting them, but my virginity is a completely different story. It's annoying to me that I didn't have the courage to reject my boyfriend... but I am now stronger in a way that I've realized rejection is important AND okay sometimes.

I don't want to feel regret. I don't want to be one of those people who look back on that experience and feel regret. This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to have sex right now, because I'm finishing my senior year and I'm worrying about school and other things. I wanted to have sex when I have no worries on my mind.

Do I look on the bright side of what happened? And I don't want to tell my bf how I feel because there's nothing we can do about it. There's no reason for me to ruin his wonderful and happy experience with my feelings. What should I do?

Posts: 23 | From: USA | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aela 57
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People make a big deal about what losing your virginity means.

It is in some ways important, in that it's something you should only agree to do when you want to. But, if you're no longer a virgin you shouldn't feel you've lost something, or need to get something back, or should regret doing something. It's all sex, and whether the 1st or 50th time you have it it's just important to only do it if/when you want to.

Tell your boyfriend how you feel. See if he feels anywhere near the same way. You could say you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable about being so involved physically right now. Try to explain it's not the right time for you to explore sex.

Sex can and I'm sure will be great for you, but only when you're ready for it.

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Aela. 19, 5'9. Often confused.

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Ecofem
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Member # 13388

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Marilyn,

As silkendoll said, the concept of virginity is a tricky concept. It's ok to look back and regret it or wish you'd done things differently. I know that feeling myself, but I didn't dwell on it but moved forwarded and appreciated the experience gained. Sounds like you are doing that.

First, you mentioned it was hard to say "no" to your boyfriend. Saying "no" can be hard and is something to work on. However, from hearing that, I'm concerned that your boyfriend may not have totally been respecting your wishes, or that you two were having trouble communicating.

Assuming you want to continue the relationship, this is absolutely something you and your boyfriend should discuss. Honestly, if he truly cares about you, he would want to know how you feel. The relationship isn't about you making him happy, but the two of you feeling ok about things.

You mention not wanting to have sex right now, which is understandable. Have you told him this? I know the hard way, also from personal experience, that we should stop having intercourse if and when we don't feel ready for it.

You sound like a caring person who puts the feelings of others before her own. While it's good to want to help others, it's really important not to be able to voice our own opinions and get our part of the deal. This is where working on saying "no" and standing up for ourselves comes in. That saying "no" is not only the right thing to do, but also the nice thing to do, when we feel that way. It's hard, don't get me wrong, but a crucial part of life.

Here are articles you might find interesting, if you haven't already read it: http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/ftmemoir.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/politics/virginity.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/politics/virgin.html

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MarilynMonroe
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Member # 29090

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What if he's already asked me if I regret it, becuase when we briefly talked about it, I guess my face speaks and I don't look 100%, and I said, "Of course not."

If I tell him now, he'll feel like I'm untrustworthy. I know he doesn't feel the same way because he's said how happy he was. I don't want him to think I think what we did wasn't special. I don't want to bring down his thoughts on what we did.

It feels so good to see him happy, but it breaks my heart knowing that I'm not as happy as he is.

How should I approach my boyfriend about this without hurting him and his feelings towards what we did?

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MarilynMonroe
Neophyte
Member # 29090

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Ecofem,

The problem I have is that I sort of initiated the sex. While we were just fooling around, it was me that kind of pushed it in. While it was a team thing, I let it happen.

I will move foreward, but how should I "appreciate the experienc gained"? What did you do?

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MarilynMonroe
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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

That first article is WONDERFUL! It really let me see my situation in a whole new perspective. I appreciate ALL you help!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think (and it sounds like maybe you've just already gotten to that point) that it might be wise to first, just with/for yourself, think about your expectations, and realize that it's pretty unusual for a lot of people to have first-time sex that is exactly as they pictured, especially given how common it is to have some pretty unrealistic expectations.

You've said you initiated this, so this isn't an issue of being pushed into anything (which is good, obviously), you've intimated that the time and place wasn't what you wanted or pictured, but sounds like you chose it. So, this is sounding more like an issue of reality just not meeting ideal or fantasy than anything else.

Whether or not that's something you want to discuss with a partner is up to you. if you do, the most sensitive and fair way to address it or bring it up would be to acknowledge that this is (if it is) really about you having had expectations that were different than the reality of most first-time sex, and having to rectify the bridge between reality and fantasy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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we've got a pretty good thread about people reflecting on how they started having sex and stuff. check it out, i think it'll help you check your head a little.

http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=000731;p=1

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Ecofem
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Hi, I'd been sucked into the world of errands and paperwork, so I only saw your replies now. I'm glad the articles and threads are helping, and feeling better about things. [Smile]

How I counted having had intercourse for the first time as "appreciating experience gained"? It goes with my general life outlook, that I've gone through some good and bad stuff in my life, made some good decisions and bad decisions. Certain experiences I could have done without or experienced at a different time in a more positive way (such as sex for the first time), but I learned more about myself. I like my life now and appreciate the life knowledge gained, because it helped me get to this point. (Somehow that was a lot harder for me to explain than I thought!)

Also, while having sexual intercourse can be a big deal, it's also not something that has to consume one's life. So instead of berating yourself for it not turning out the way you hoped, think of the positive aspects. Such as having a good relationship with your boyfriend, having used protection, etc. And who says having had sex is going to derail you from finishing high school on the right foot? [Wink]

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MarilynMonroe
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Member # 29090

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Wow, thank you again! All of you! While it will take me a while to fully adopt this new way of thinking, I can see how appreciating the good and bad makes and learing from my experiences makes sense, and that's a good first step. Thank so much again! I appreciate all the advice... I've learned so much about myself it's amazing!
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