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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » They found out in the WORST way

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Author Topic: They found out in the WORST way
MaryTheGypsy
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Okay, I'll cut the story short, and just say that me and my boyfriend were caught in the act on sunday. Adult present called both his and my parents. It would have been bad if they got my mom, but they got my DAD on the phone which is even WORSE. Things just got worse from there.

Now I'm really upset. I can live, but his mom is forbidding him from seeing me or calling me. I can understand the seeing me thing, but calling? I think thats a little unfair. I understand its totally her decision but. . Damn! We're both getting close to 18 (he's closer than me) and she can't keep us apart forever.

I guess I'm just disgusted with myself for letting my BF talk me into doing it in a place I basically KNEW we would get caught. I should have known better. Now my dad won't talk to me, be near me, or respond to me when I talk to him.

My mom is forcing me to go to the free clinic and get an STD test. I'm fine with getting the test. I would get one anyway, as its a responsible thing to do, but damn, being forced to do it makes me feel bad. I feel like a criminal, and honestly, when did THAT become illegal?

I guess I just had to get that off my chest. I'm trying to deal with this responsibly, but if anyone has any advice as to how to deal with my father I'd appreciate it. He and I weren't on good terms at the best of times, so its even worse now.

I'm so lost. [Frown]

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

Posts: 40 | From: Virginia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
me is all i can be
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wowo that sux whered u get caught, thats weird but just wondering

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special one

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Bobolink
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Ask your father and mother when they first started having sex. If they are honest, the answeres may surprise you and force them to look at the situation in a more enlightened way. Remember that the odds are the both your mother and father were having sex by the time they were your age. Now having sex in a inapropriate location is another matter tht you may need to discuss.

[ 05-22-2006, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Bobolink ]

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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

- Galileo

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MaryTheGypsy
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Yes, I have to admit the location was stupid stupid STUPID. Bathrooms in crowded places. . .*sighs* Yes, I was idiotic about that, and admitted that to my mother. And I apologized. I don't know if I can ask my mom that, but the next time she gives me a guilt trip I might just ask. Thanks for the advice Bobolink

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

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bluefreak44
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quote:
Originally posted by Bobolink:
Ask your father and mother when they first started having sex. If they are honest, the answeres may surprise you and force them to look at the situation in a more enlightened way. Remember that the odds are the both your mother and father were having sex by the time they were your age.

Try to do that gently though. Sometimes parents can get offended. When my husband and I were dating, my mother-in-law found out we weren't having sex (we didn't until we were married), and it surprised her so much that she asked my husband (then boyfriend) if there was something physiologically wrong with him! He said we were just waiting until we were married...and asked her if she had done the same. She got mad and told him to mind his own business.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, you have to bear in mind that a good deal of their reaction is going to be due to your dishonesty more than anything else.

For anyone, when someone very close to you, especially a child, betrays you by being dishonest, it's a pretty big blow. Couple that with the loaded issue of your kid having sex -- and dealing with all of that adjustment -- and you might be able to see why your folks and his and being so intense right now.

So, to a large degree, you're going to have to suck up the consequences. I'd also suggest talking to your parents to start working on healing the rift caused by your dishonesty, and on't be defensive: ask how they feel, listen to how they feel, go from there. Sure, you're almost 18, but it's likely that in their book, that's all the more reason to be upset since at this age, they likely expect you to be more trustworthy than this. If you weren't getting testing and sexual healthcare on your own, that's also going to count as a mark against your ability to be responsible in their eyes, obviously.

(FYI? I wouldn't advise asking your parents about when they started having sex right now. This isn't about their choices, it's about yours, and that is likely to only put them on the defensive and make them more upset, which is counterproductive right NOW. That's a discussion you can likely have, if you want, once all of this is less fever pitch.)

If initiating the conversation with your father isn't working, you can also always try writing a letter. Again, don't be on the offensive: take responsibility for your choices, including being dishonest. You don't need to make yourself out to be a criminal, but you do want to own your own stuff, including the betrayal at hand.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Did your or his parents have any objections to the relationship before this incident? I had a somewhat simillar experience in high school where I was forbidden from seeing my then-boyfriend. My parents were upset about the lying, sneaking around, having sex, etc. But the ban was mainly due to noticing other red flags about the relationship. Might this apply to your situation, too?
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Conker
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honestly i believe the best way to deal with this is to sit you all down and calmly say im almost 18 and will be in college soon making my own choices, i understand you didnt like my decision...say its my choice to be sexually active and let them know you are responsible about it (wearing condom, STD testing, birth control, etc.) I hope it all goes well

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If you have to steal a pregnancy test chances are you cant afford a baby either

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MaryTheGypsy
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
You know, you have to bear in mind that a good deal of their reaction is going to be due to your dishonesty more than anything else.


I wasn't really dishonest with her at all. I spoke to my mom about birth control options and going to a gynecologyst a few months before me and my boyfriend were sexually active. She always knew when I was with him, and I was always honest with her. Does me not coming straight out and saying "I'm having sex today" Mean I'm being dishonest?

I've apologized to my mother for being irresponsible, but I've used protection, and about two and a half weeks before the incident I told my mother straight out I wanted birth control pills and that I needed to get them as soon as possible.

What more could I have done? [Frown]

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

Posts: 40 | From: Virginia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MaryTheGypsy
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Did your or his parents have any objections to the relationship before this incident?

My mother thought he was a sweet boy. He works hard, gets good grades, and is a gentleman (bathroom incident excluded).

Other than us both making one big mistake on impulse, I'd say we both are good kids.

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~Mary

“People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done.” Tori Amos

Posts: 40 | From: Virginia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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