So my friend and I- we used to be inseparable. We were the BEST of friends. Then a lot of crap happened. She always seems to ignore me when guys are around, or one of her other good friends. And we've discussed it SO MANY times. She claims she doesn't know that she's doing it. She talks to me when those other people aren't around and for some reason I fall for it. I keep thinking that maybe she does want to be friends. But then she ignores me again and I feel like ****. So then I get upset and end up distancing myself from her, and then I get more upset that I'm doing something else that's just going to make things worse. I try to ignore being ignored but seriously, that's pretty hard in high school when you share a group of friends and see each other pretty often. And then I try to just "move on" but then I feel like I'm throwing a friendship away. For the past 2 years... pretty much every time I'm upset, it's because of stuff relating to this. I feel like I've been depressed for the past two years because of this. I know it's a completely bad situation that I should just get out of, but when I do try to do that, I end up sitting around and crying a lot more than I should, like I am now. I just feel like this keeps getting more and more out of control. If anyone wants to respond, feel free. I'm one of the most logical people I know, but for some reason, when it comes to this, I am a complete wreck.
I'm sorry that this is such a petty situation, but it's driven me to become a blubbering idiot and I absolutely hate feeling so hopeless.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Your situation most certainly isn't "petty," nor are you "hopeless" or a "blubbering idiot." It's completely understandable to feel frustrated and illogical when an emotionally charged situation proves difficult to resolve.
People's values and interests and personalities change as they grow. This often can mean friends moving in two different directions. It can be disappointing, certainly. But, unfortunately, there are cases in which it is inevitable. You say the two of you have discussed this "many times," and things haven't changed. For the sake of your own wellbeing, then, stop pursuing it so actively.
This doesn't mean that you have to resort to ignoring her in the same way that she's ignored you. Nor does it mean "throwing a friendship away" entirely and never making an effort to extend yourself to her, never making an effort to spend time with her. It means accepting that her behavior will likely continue if you don't change your own behavior, if she realizes that she can continue to mistreat you and have you rally to her side when none of her other friends are around and paying attention to you is convenient.
Branch out a bit. Join new activities. Open up to new people, strike up conversations, ask them to hang out. I'm sure that there are plenty of other friendships you have worth nurturing and building up, and plenty of other friends out there to be made. Concentrate on those, and allow them to make you stronger, rather than becoming further entangled in a two-year web of painful feelings that isn't likely to untangle itself unless you channel your energy elsewhere.
Yeah, I totally understand that "growing apart" thing. Except we still do have the same interests, and she still does call me up to do stuff outside of school and group things. The very first time I brought up her ignoring me, she did change for a few months. But then it slowly went back to the old stuff. So I guess in reality, nothing has changed. Just, the amount that it hurts me can be variable.
I have been trying to branch out more lately, and in the process I've strengthened one friendship probably as much as possible. The thing is, I'm a high school senior, so for those people that I was never close with before, it seems like it would be hard to start real friendships with people who already have their friendship groups set. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it would be a joke to say high school is any other way.
I guess my biggest reason that I keep trying to do things is because she is one of the VERY few people I can really feel comfortable around, in every way. I can tell her what I think or feel about something. I can have her see me in my pajamas, with me looking like a complete slob, and I know she won't judge me. I invite her over to my house, which is really messy all the time, but she doesn't mind (she is one of FOUR friends I feel comfortable enough with to have in my house).
She tells me that she spends a lot of time with guys when we're with them because she doesn't normally spend time with them and she wants to soak it all in while she can. And she follows the other friend (who is really extroverted) around a lot because she brings out her confidence. I guess I could be considered her support system? And I am totally fine with that if it comes along with the rest of a normal friendship. And it does, sometimes.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2005
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