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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How should have I handled this?

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Author Topic: How should have I handled this?
Member # 27855

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Ok, usually my boyfriend of 1 year and I have great communication. We talk about everything and work through our problems. However, there's this one topic that keeps getting me snagged: his "best friend" whose a girl and has been his neighbor for about 7 months (he's only known her during this time too).

He's over at her house it seems like 24/7. He talks about how cool she is, how much fun he has with her, etc. Even though I know he would never cheat on me, it still bothered me and made me feel insecure. Up until today, I've just tiptoed around it.

Thursday night, we were talking. He said he would call me back in 10 mins. Those ten mins turned into 4 hours. He called me back apologizing, but he also said he invited her to our school dance. He did not apologize for that (she would be going w/ him since she doesn't know anyone else at our school). I was angry, but like usual w/ her, I buried it and said it was fine.

Friday, he told me that she was probably gonna go. I swallowed my anger again and had what my girlfriends and I call "chicky talk" almost all day. She didn't come to the dance, and we ended up having a nice night. This morning, though, he confronted me about why I didn't like her. I told him that I don't know her so I can't judge her, but I finally told him how much it bothered me that he always put me as second priority to her. He said I was just being jealous, but I'm just really insecure, due to verbal and sexual abuse as a child. He said he understood that, but still didn't see why I was angry. I told him again that I didn't mind him being friends w/ her, but I would appreciate it if he could try to understand why I was feeling so insecure. I told him I had to go after that.

How would you guys handle this situation? He's my first serious relationship, and while we usually work out our problems great, I'm second guessing my judgement on this one. Should I have let it go like I've been doing? Confronted him sooner? Or am I really the bad guy in this? Thanks for any help.

"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If it really is about him prioritizing her over you, no, this isn't unreasonable.

Do you think you'd feel the same way if -- I'm presuming your boyfriend is heterosexual -- this was a guy, not a girl? If so, you've got your answer. It's not a matter of jealousy or sexual/romantic insecurity, but about feeling like you're second fiddle.

If you do NOT think it would be the same, it's safe to assume there are elements of sexual/romantic insecurity ionvolved here. That's also okay, it's just a different matter, and it means a discussion and some extra thought about trust, and what the two of you can do to nurture it. For instance, he can give you that ring back in ten minutes to say he's still hanging out, but didn't want you to be left hanging; you can make clear when something like this dance is something that's important to you for you two to go alone as a couple.

FYI? It IS okay to not feel totally secure in a monogamous partner being faithful, even a year -- or ten -- down the road. Lots of people aren't, so that's not invalid. But it helps, if you are feeling doubts or insecurities based on the worry that could be an issue, to acknowledge them, rather than trying to push them aside or deny them to yourself.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28071

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I'm currently in a situation that is very similar to got fairly gritty about a month or so ago, but has improved with some occasional rough edges.

My (first) boyfriend of over a year has recently claimed my best friend of 4 years as HIS best friend as well. While it never got to the point where he was spending more time with her than did get get to the point where he was spending time with her weekly where I never saw her. I had to try to sort out his right to be friends with whoever he wanted with my feeling like third wheel...and it was really kinda tough. I also felt like the bad guy in this, because people should be able to hang out with who they want when they want right? Well, it doesn't always work that way without causing massive amounts of hurt somewhere.

Can you try to work something out where you have set time with him in at least as great amount as he does with her? You're his girlfriend, and while friends are important he has to be respectful of your feelings too. I tried this on my end, and while it felt petty to me at first it really did alleviate the feeling that I was being kicked out of my own friendships/relationships. Also, can you work something where you get to know his best friend as well? It may help you to actually see the relationship they have and see the dynamic of it. It will at least put into context how his relationship with her is different than his relationship with you (which I would truly hope it to be, seeing as you are the girlfriend and she is not).

That said, if you continue to feel as you are second priority to her....than there are serious issues that need to be dealt with. Friends are all and good, but he needs to be respecful of your feelings. From what it sounds like thus far you've been more than understanding in this. Especially since this is your first relationship, your boyfriend needs to acknowledge your feelings, why you are having them, and help to come to a solution.

And just for the record, seeing as your situation is close enough to mine to literally see your view...I would be very insecure here too. There is nothing wrong with that. Good luck, I hope you figure out something that is workable for you

Posts: 96 | From: Illinois | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27855

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I talked to my bf yesterday. Since he had time to think about, he realized how I was feeling and apologized. He promised to call me everyday after he hangs out w/ her; his way of balancing out times between us. Thanks for all the help! [Smile]

"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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