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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Control yourself!

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Author Topic: Control yourself!
Kelley_Belley
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The other evening in one of my classes, the instructor brought up, more or less, the issue of dating. Of course, this was bound to happen as it's Prom season and he's teaching a group of teenage kids, but what he had to say intrigued me. He claimed that boy-on-girl (or vice versa) friendships never work out because at more often than not the guy winds up falling for the girl, thus ending in heart break and a ruined friendship because girls don't ''work like that'' and can control themselves better.

I found this pretty humorous, personally, 'cause a majority of my friends are male and I just happened to basically fall head over heels in love with one of them, but highly doubt that the feelings are mutual. That's really not enough to blow his theory out of the water, though. What do you all think about this?

1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?

Posts: 3 | From: Pittsburgh, PA | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Juniata
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Interesting question. I think the chemistry flies either way. I've got a female friend who feels incredibly frustrated that her close guy friends almost "inevitably" fall in love with her (she's lost two friends like that this year alone). I myself just had a guy friend ask me out. But I've certainly had major crushes on guy friends.

Rather than inevitable, I think that some of the frequent difficulty in male-female relationships is the lack of cultural training individuals have had in relating to members of the opposite sex in a non-sexualized way.

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greenapp1es
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Of my 6 closest friends, 2 are girls and 4 are guys. I know for a fact that 2 of the guys have had very significant feelings for me...and one of these guys is now my boyfriend (though we were friends first). As for the other guy....he never vocalized it, and we have never had a problem. I'm pretty sure that one of the other guys had feelings for me at one point, and I know for a fact that the 4th guy never did.

As for my thoughts on the whole idea, I think when you get into a situation where you become very close to a person friendshipwise, it makes it very easy for that friendship to develop romatically. Ideally...your significant other should be your friend anyway, so having that as a foundation is already a stepping stone towards a relationship. This does not mean that the friends involved do not have the maturity to take it or leave it at attraction.

Furthermore, having friends that are of the opposite gender is NOT a given that it WILL develop romatically or that feelings will develop either way. In my own situation I have the one guy I know has no interest in me...and in circles of people I know platonic friendships with no attachments are somewhat common. And even when they do develop, often they are either a) never metioned, and thus never acted on or b) mentioned but vetoed by the other party, and after an awkward silence the topic moves to something else and the friendship goes on.

The only time it this situation can really be destructive to a friendship in my experience is when one party refuses to just let the idea go. But in my experience this sitation is the minority...and most platonic friendship work quite fine without any problems whatsoever.

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mysticpisces
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Hmmmm....your teacher seems a little biased, because I don't think its only boys who fall for girls, it's very often the other way too.

I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends, and my past three relationships were with three of my best guy friends at the time. I tend to be the one with the bad habbit of falling in love with my best friends [Smile] . But I also think it's a good thing, because personally, I would rather be in a long-term relationship with someone who I knew was my best friend rather than someone who I was only on a 'romantic' level with. Companionship in a relationship is vital for me. And sure, some of the friendships didn't work out afterwards, but I don't regret it, because I learned something from them.

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Faith54
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I don't think that's true at all. Sure, the guy can fall for the girl, and the girl can fall for the guy. It does happen, but I don't think it's inevitable. I have 4 really close guy friends, one I've known since kindergarten and one since second grade. These friendships are just that,friendships. They are just as fun and vital as the female friendships I have, so I don't think it's a bad thing at all.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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random.
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1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?

it's split about down the middle. i figure, the best way to learn about the opposite sex is to have a friendly relationship with them, right?

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?

i'm not a good judge of people, but very unlikely.

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?

I think it's simply because people have spent more time with each other, and they know whether or not the other person is fun to be around. I mean, I wouldn't date someone I couldn't be friends with, right? So simply by being friends with a girl, I already know that if I was actually attracted to her, the chances would be higher that I might attempt to begin a romantic relationship.
(Trying not to make it sound like I consider a romantic relationship with EVERY female friend i have [Razz] )

[ 05-08-2006, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: random. ]

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feefiefofemme
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1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?

I have very few close guy friends, but I've got a couple. And I'm good aquaintances with many others.

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?

I don't know if any of my guy friends have had crushes on me. At one point I think one of my female friends had a crush on me, but that passed without incident. I have had crushes on friends before, particularly my closest male friend. I was absolutely in love with him for several years, but I've moved on since.

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?

I think, personally, that friendships can result in crushes, and vice versa, and that each one can potentially strenghten the other. There's a thin line between like and like like, and it's a pretty hazy one to boot. I think, though, that it's silly to say that guys and girls can't have platonic relationships with each other (or that queer guys or girls can't be friends with other guys or girls, respectively). It's just... silly.

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origami_jane
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1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?
In the people I hang out with, I'd say maybe 40% of them are guys. Emotionally, I think I'm closest with probably a girl and a guy.

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?
Not to the best of my knowledge. I think I give off pretty strong "not interested in dating you" vibes. Do straight guys have dykedar the way some straight women have gaydar? That might explain it.

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?
Well, I think that as people learn more about other people, they might get interested in dating them. I don't think it's a problem, really, because if they're decent people and treat their SO's (male and female) right, they'll probably be able to be friends afterwards.

I guess I'm kind of trying to relate what I've read happens to some queer kids--the first person they have a same-sex crush on is one of their best friends, just because they feel safe with that person, or they know that person is comfortable with their identity. Plus it's really easy to misinterpret friendly gestures as flirting.

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Mathilde
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1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?

I have a few guy friends, but we aren't romantically interested in one another. It's just platonic friendship. However, my first-ever 'real' guy-friend had feelings for me, and I for him, and now we've been an item for a year and a half. [Smile]

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?

My first-ever 'real' guy-friend had feelings for me, and I for him, and now we've been an item for a year-and-a-half. My boyfriend and I were very good friends before we started going out, and we both had very strong feelings for eachother from the beginning.

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?

Mm. I suppose I think it could go both ways: In some cases, you could consider it fate, but in others, one might just say it's "teenage hormones" going wild. I personally think that (in my situation) it was just a chance of fate. I had already bonded with his mother quite well, so it just took time for me to actually get to know him, too. Yes. Sorry if that's off-topic a bit.

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Paradoxical Enigma
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1. Well, as of right now, I have no females that I would really consider good friends. I have a handful that I consider friends to a lesser extent or as aquantances, but I (unfortunately) have no good friends that are females. I was good friends with one girl at one point, but she was interested in me, and at the time it wasn't mutual (nor was I ready to date at the time), and we were just kind of moving apart due to other factors, such as our interests, personalities, and opinions of each other changing, so we've gone our separate ways since then.

2. I know that back when that girl had feelings for me, as I said above, and I suspect that some of the aquaintances and lesser friends of the moment have feelings for me, but I can't be completely sure with some people.

3. Well, I think that sometimes people have trouble being purely friends with people of the opposite gender simply because of the cultural factor that any opposite gender relations that are close are often associated with being romantic relationships. That and often feelings develop the part of either person, which can have many effects.

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Jman13
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in my experience hes right but...

All the friends i have that are girls ive had crushes on at one period of time or another... And then i realize they aren't having the same feelings as me and i feel heart broken... but then a while later i can come back look at it and laugh and they're some of my best friends now.

I wouldnt say any of this stuff is law though just personal experience. It does suck being friends with a girl you have romantic interests in though.

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summergoddess
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) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?
^^I have more guy friends than girls, but it's all platonic of course. I just get along with guys more [Smile]
2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?
yes, about all of them. They're pretty honest about it, but nothing happens really. They know and relaize that I am taken and respect that.
3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?
With being friends first, it seems to be easier for dating, but it depends. Some "opposite-sex" best friends just know that they're better friends than lovers so it really varies. Isaiah and I were friends for a year before we got together, and we're still together [Smile]

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bluefreak44
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quote:
Originally posted by Kelley_Belley:
1) Do you have many members of the opposite sex in your circle of friends?

2) Have any of those people (of the opposite sex, of course) had feelings towards you?

3) Regardless, what do you think about this whole idea? Is it just chemistry happeneing, male (or in some cases, ie. mine, female) horomones running amok or just your run of the mill case of fate?

1. I don't have as many male friends as I used to. I had several guy friends in high school, but after graduation we each went our separate ways. I see two of them every once in awhile, keep in touch with another through his wife (who was a friend of mine in high school), and haven't heard from another in at least a year.

2. Of those four main male friends of mine, one told me he liked me and one ended up asking me out. Occasionally I still see the one who told me he liked me, but since that was years ago, there's no tension anymore. It was a bit awkward at first though. The one who asked me out is now married to one of my girl friends from high school. Once he started dating here, he became so head-over-heels in love that he didn't even seem to notice I was a girl. Obviously, that relationship isn't akward anymore either. Of the other two friends, as far as I know neither liked me, and I never liked either of them. As one of the would say, it's "plutonic" (he never could get that word right).

3. I certainly think it's possible for guy-girl friendships to work out. My best guy friend (aside from my husband) and I have been friends since junior high. Neither of us has ever liked the other, as far as I know (and in most cases, I've been able to tell when someone likes me). Once I started dating my husband, they became friends as well. Now we all hang out together.

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