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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What is wrong with me?

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Author Topic: What is wrong with me?
moonlight_sonata
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Member # 28611

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I'm 19 years old and I have never been in a relationship before. I have a number of casual guy friends and of course my girl friends. I'm rather smart/knowledgable and good looking. I'm also very vocal and love interacting with people. I'm also part of a number of clubs in college like Debates,Community service etc.

A lot of my friends find it hard to believe that I've never had a boyfriend. Do guys feel intimidated by me?

Or does the problem lie with me?

I also find that thoughout my schooling years, I've only probably had crushes with 3 guys. And they are usually the smart,mature,good looking ones.

I also tend to like guys who are older than me...

[ 04-30-2006, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: moonlight_sonata ]

Posts: 1 | From: Earth | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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It doesn't sound like anything is wrong with you, moonlight_sonata; in fact, it seems you're doing everything right.

Plenty of people don't have their first relationships until later in life-- and 19 is still quite young actually! You have good friendships with girls and guys, you're active in your college community, etc.

In terms of intimidation, I'd guess that you come across as mature and self-confident, which is good. Boys and men develop slower than women, so maturity could be a factor. (And explain why you tend to like guys older than you.) Some guys may feel intimidated by you, but one who is truly interested in you will will make the effort to approach and get to know you.

You mention having had few crushes while you were in school, and that's ok. And there isn't anything wrong with liking "the smart, mature, good looking ones." It sounds more like you're being smart about selecting a good match versus the first person who walks by [Wink] . Just keep up that mindset, being open for relationships and willing to make the first move when you're interested in someone. Two people mutually attracted (and available!) is a lot less common than a lot of people think, so it can take awhile for everyone. [Smile]

Enjoying your life while single is key for lifelong success. And while I'm sure your friends mean well, don't let their questioning you make you think you're doing something wrong when you're happy with your life.

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Ecofem
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Also: Having a boyfriend or girlfriend certainly can have its advantages, but it also has its downsides. Such as having less freedom to spontaneously do things, taking time and effort to maintain the relationship, etc. Which become worth the effort when the relationship is with someone for whom it's a worthwhile sacrifice.

However, speaking from experience, I also like spending time with friends, pursuing my (many) own interests, being very independent. And, frankly, I meet very few people whom I'm willing to give that up for.

(Sorry for the wordy-ness, I got a bit confused when I reread it myself, but I have to go and I think you get my point. [Smile] )

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IslandGirl
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Your situation sounds almost identical to my own. I've never been in a real relationship with a guy either, and I'm in college. I still get embarrassed when my friends and family ask me why that is. I spent A LOT of time trying to figure out what's wrong with me and why every other girl I know has either a boyfriend or has at least been in a relationship, when I've never. I'm the only girl I know of that's a virgin.

The thing is, I don't feel bad about it any more. I think I've matured to the point where I accept who I am. I'm nice, I try to be friendly, and I try to be a good friend. And someday I'll find a guy who likes me for me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. And its comforting to know there are other people out there experiencing the same thing you are.

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mysticpisces
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. A good friend of mine is in the same boat; she's never been in a relationship, and will be a college freshman this fall. I feel odd giving advice, since I've been in relationships and can't really say I've been there, but I understand the frustraition you must feel. Just know you're not alone, and sometimes, the best things in life are the ones you just have to wait for.
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kitka
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Moonlight - some perspective that might help. I was almost 23 years old before I got into a relationship. I hadn't ever hugged or kissed a guy up until that point.

Like Islandgirl, you will get to the point that social pressure won't bother you that much.

It takes conscious thought not to beat yourself up about being single in a couples-saturated environment. It will help if you tell yourself you're ok, rather than there's something wrong with you. I know that's really tough sometimes, but if you do it enough it will work.

Now that my second relationship has ended (the first one lasted 3 weeks, the second one lasted 4 months!) , I tend to have self-doubt sometimes. That's normal. But it's key to avoid making those feelings a habit.

What keeps me calm is the knowledge that I would rather wait years - yes, years - for a good relationship than sacrifice my happiness for a not-so-good one. If you're not meant to be in a relationship at this point in your life, that's ok.

As far as wondering about what's "wrong" with you in terms of relationships, in your teens/early twenties -

At any give point, up to 25% of women aged 20-29 are NOT in a relationship. It's happening to other girls too, for whatever reasons.
Many women are starting relationships and even marrying later than in the past. Same thing for men.

For me, figuring out those reasons was actually comforting. I'm in a situation where I know I won't be able to meet a lot of guys - social factors like my age, education level, and race. Things will change when I get out into the world. I'm sure the same will happen for you.

Being single allows you to do things that partnership might restrict. I've traveled cheap across the entire US on Greyhound and Amtrak, and watched any movie I want, no matter how silly. Of course, you can do these things with a partner too, but they often take compromise. Solitude can be a really good thing, in that sense.

[ 05-09-2006, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: kitka ]

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bluefreak44
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quote:
Originally posted by moonlight_sonata:
I'm 19 years old and I have never been in a relationship before. I have a number of casual guy friends and of course my girl friends. I'm rather smart/knowledgable and good looking. I'm also very vocal and love interacting with people. I'm also part of a number of clubs in college like Debates,Community service etc.

A lot of my friends find it hard to believe that I've never had a boyfriend. Do guys feel intimidated by me?

Or does the problem lie with me?

I also find that thoughout my schooling years, I've only probably had crushes with 3 guys. And they are usually the smart,mature,good looking ones.

I also tend to like guys who are older than me...

I think the issue may lie with you...but I don't think that's a bad thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being picky. I didn't date or kiss anyone until I was 18. It wasn't that I hadn't been asked out, or that I'd never liked anyone. I just hadn't like anyone enough to invest much time in an exclusive relationship. I wanted to wait until I found someone I really, really liked, and who liked me as well, before I entered a relationship.

With some people dating and having sex at 14, some people thing it's odd not to date a lot at a young age. But you're only 19! There's no rush to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. Relationships are great, but there are so many other important aspects of life. And while you're single, you can devote more time to those other things.

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autex
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I've been in a few relationships since i was 14, however they never really worked for me and they ended because there wasn't enough real love. I've now decided to "focus on my studies" for the time being because I think that love will find you when your not looking =]
But if your really intent on getting a boyfriend then you should talk to your casual guy friends, i'm sure they'll understand when you ask them about what they think of you and how you could be more attractive to guys, support and advice are what friends are for!

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bluefreak44
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quote:
Originally posted by autex:
I've now decided to "focus on my studies" for the time being because I think that love will find you when your not looking =]

I think that's a great example to follow. I wasn't very boy-crazy in high school. I ended up in the top 10 of my class with a full-tuition scholarship for my first 2 years of college (at a JC). I got a transfer scholarship after that. My most boy-crazy friend from high school already has 2 children from her "fiance", who refers to their supposedly impending wedding as his funeral, and they're always caught up in payday loans. I really don't think it hurt to focus on academics.

I really wasn't looking when I met my husband. I had my eyes open of course, but I wasn't seeking anything in particular. He just kinda fell in my lap (fortunately not literally...he's about twice my size!).

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inquisitive
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hey i am 26 and havent had a relationship first time i was kissed was by a guy i met through internet he was good our vibes matched but he wanted only sex from me a fling i found it v shallow though he did open me up and time spend with him would be most memorable of my life but it was an illusion i suppose i'll focus on a healthy relation i am still a virgin still waiting for the right guy i sort of feel i am missing out on all the fun but what can i do?the more i search more i find all guys want the same from me and guys interested in a relation either dont have time for me or are not so good looking what should i do?
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DarkChild717
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Hey, inquisitive. We really suggest that you start a new topic for something like this. It helps ensure it will get seen.

As for you, many people find that once they stop looking, good things happen. Also, limiting yourself by saying you won't have a relationship because someone's "not so good looking" is inhibiting your search, and could be part of the issue at hand. Relationships should be based on more than just physical appeal. Perosnality, trust, and other emotional things are much more important.

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grapple
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I'm a lot like you, I haven't had a serious relationship and wasn't even kissed until this year, when I turned 18.

I don't like guys very often, either and hey, that's good. It saves us the heartache and trouble of getting involved with people we're not going to be interested in in the long-run, and we're holding out for the right ones.

Good luck! Remember, there's nothing wrong with you. [Smile]

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jakimboor
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im a guy, so i guess it might be different and some might think my opinion is not very valid, so to speak. stil, i can relate to your situation moonlight_sonata since i only like a few girls and not a lot and so have had difficulties in finding the ones id like to get involved with (at least for a steady relationship even though not liking as many girls also takes its toll dating-wise and in the more casual stuff too).
what i think is this, and you may see that i only partially agree with whats been posted. i have done a lot of thinking (as many board members might know; by the way, best regards to Ecofem and the others who have withstood me) and have come to a series of conclusions, after all this time. these conclusions ive come up about myself but i think they can relate to what you are experiencing; i think that:

(1)its ok not to like a lot of people. you do like some people, so i think its just normal to like some and not others, even if you only like a few. its not as if you have some serious issue which would need to be dealt with beforehand.

(2)you gotta know what you want (for example, you gotta know you do want a relationship) and so you gotta get proactive. sometimes we restrict ourselves in meeting people and giving them a chance. i think you have to keep your options open. that means that the whole idea of destiny etc is not a very good approach; ive never agreed with people who say stuff like "the less you look the most likely youll find someone" or "the right person will just come along when the time is right" etc. you know what i mean. i know youre a girl and in our culture its not common for girls to make first moves but you should do them. if you like a guy and you just sort of hint youre interested in him (a subtle yet noticeable hint that is), and he likes you back, then its hes turn to act and if hes smart hell look to get to know you and that might lead to something good. girls can show signs of interest without having to do much and thats always helpful if one is trying to figure out what shes thinking. a little extra attention on a guy and trust me, if he likes you back, hell notice and do something about it(again, if hes smart).

(3)sometimes people tend to say stuff like "hes not right for me" and so dismiss a potential partner. in some cases, they simply dont like that person. thats perfectly fine. but in other cases that may just be a way of protecting themselves. i think you should try to think about why you say you dont like someone; is it because you really don't? or is it because you actually just prefer the more predictable, secure zone of being single, in that particular case? what i think is you gotta take your chances if you find out you actually just feel insecure or shy around somebody etc.

(4)do something about it. im not talking about desperately trying to find someone or anything of the sort, but ive noticed that many people who are in situations like your own, know they do want a partner and yet dont put much work into it. they just tend to blame it all on destiny or whatever. ive noticed that if one tries to go out more, do more things (stuff like going to the gym, or taking classes on other things), you can get to know a lot of people. and thats good, cause you end up with lots more acquantainces, friends and if youre lucky you might find someone you like or you can make friends who might introduce you to someone or stuff like that. think about partners of people you know and how they met and you might be surprised.

(5)also try to break some social "rules". its ok to talk to people and be friendly and that sort of thing; think about a class in which no one knows each other, everyones reserved and quiet. i regard many social "rules" like been silly. im friendly with people i might not know well and take my chances, even if they might think whatever about me. who cares. im not saying act stupid; im just saying be outgoing.

(6)also, dont put expectations too high. many people expect to meet someone and fall madly in love. i think whats important is finding someone you like and take it from there, if you feel like youd like to commit to that person because youve found hes right for you, then great. if not then just be friends. but dont think you gotta find someone who immeadiately makes you feel insanely in love, that may or may not happen after getting to know the person.

i know im speaking from a guys point of view and thats why i make emphasis on being outgoing etc. still i think some of my opinions might be useful to you. im sorry if what i say is a little disorganized. so, to sum it up, you can make things better for you but up to a point, since were all bound by circumstance, for better or for worse. but i think that just being conscious about what you are feeling/looking for and what you can do about it is a great place to start. when it comes to this sort of issue it takes quite a bit of thinking through, figuring out the reasons behind and looking what you can make better and what you cant do much about. at least thats much better than doing nothing or doing nothing and complaining which some people tend to do.

so theres my piece of advice, this is something ive thought for a long time (sounds like an obsession haha- its not, though),coming from a very similar situation as your own, thinking about it before joining these boards and before i ever started posting as jakimboor (had other usernames some years before it). i guess ive finally come to conclusions, at least partially. i hope it helps you and im curious as to what the other people who posted think. take care, everyone (damn ive just seen how long i wrote, sorry about that, haha, my longest post ever, hope someone reads it!)

[ 05-30-2006, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: jakimboor ]

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inquisitive
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thanks for the suggestions darkchild and jakimboor i think u r right i need to be outgoing to live life to fullest and dark child i dont go for looks particularly but the guy should try to connect for other reasons than just sex its so very shallow or are all guys like that give them sex then only they ll give u company
ya i do feel when u r with a guy u get a chance to explore ur sexuality but....i dont know my heart agrees all for being physical for the sake of it but my mind warns me that it will bring as much pain as pleasure....i guess i gotta satisfy myself with the only lover i have myself!

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the_shy_girl
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I know exactly how you feel. I am going to be a freshman in college and havent had my first real kiss. (unless you count a kiss on the cheek while experimenting with spin the bottle in elementary school!) I have only had a real crush on three guys, one being at the moment. I hate that I will be going into college with no experience. and I understand that yea, we haven't had to experience the negatives of it... but I want to. Anything would be better than nothing. How do you know what you want until you find out what you don't want?
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Ztloj
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I am nearly 21 years old and still haven't had a real relationship. I oftentimes wonder what is wrong with me, why I haven't fallen in love with anyone while all my friends seem to find partners and flings constantly. I hate it sometimes and wonder if I shouldn't just go out with a friend, but I know deep down that it wouldn't make me happy. Some day I'll meet the right person.
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