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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Hurting

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Author Topic: Hurting
Natasha89
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To be well and truely honest i think i am over reacing quiet a bit, but for some reason i just cant shake of this hurt im feeling right now towards my partener.
It basically started from the beginning of our relationship, he had a very messy break up with his ex who was very controlling and she used to hurt him (ie: physically like throw him through doors and glass windows and things like this because maybe he looked at another girl or spoke to a member of his family she never liked)
Anyways they broke up after 2 years and we got together 6 months later. Now to me he claims he hates her.. but you cant just switch your feelings of just like that after 2 years.. can you?
Anyway he took me into this social club where him an his family go, and she is always in there an he knows she is... he sits opposite her and she intimidates the hell out of me!
I have doubts that he misses her or something i have spoke to him and his gran about this and she says the exact same as i do, but he is adament that he hates her. Am i right to feel worried? and slightly angry that he is making me sit in the same building as her while he looks on?

Another matter is that his uncle bullies me, stupid to say this i know but he passes remarks around to me like lazy bitch and other hurtful remarks.
I spoke to my partener about it, he said he'd talk to him, he did talk and they both then laughed at me and took the mick. I even locked myself in his car so his uncle couldnt get to me, but he an his uncle got in the car and continued to take the mick.
I used to go home an cry then think why? I told him the weekend id had enough.. so on sunday morning, when we was meant to be going away for the day he dropped me of at my house at 7am and said "Youv'e got 5mins to get ready then im going" so i got out the car an slammed the door because how is it possible to have breakfast and have a bath in five mins.
So i ran around the house, was ready in 10mins sat down thinking he cares and loves me he'll come get me before he goes.. and he didnt come back, i didnt get a text till 10.30am sayin how he was at a service station
having a great time etc etc.
I felt so hurt it was un believeable because to me it seemed he didnt care!
So when he came to mind at 10pm on the night i argued shouted an screamed at him, finished it, we sat down and talked things through, but then last night we argued again and this time i didnt retaliate i just came home at 7am an told him to take care an thats its over but to stay in touch.

Have i over reacted? Do i need to feel thus hurt still? I feel so stupid should i? Please help i cant live with myself if ive thrown something good away because im being stupid and spiteful, im sorry its a long post i needed to get this of my chest.

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Behind every great man is a great woman

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greenapp1es
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Ok...where to start...

On the topic of his ex girlfriend, it is important to remember at this juncture that the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. I've had a couple of friends in abusisve relationships, one ended a year ago the other several. The friend with the more recent relationship is still INCREDIBLY spiteful, and has been since she had enough and broke it off. The other just tries to keep things civil and deal with her ex only so far as is needed. Moral of story? He may truly "hate her" as he claims. Regardless...though...sitting across the table from her on a reglar basis is not a healty move for him. I wouldn't be so concerned about being in the same building as the same table. While he should still be allowed to visit the place he frequents, why make things worse by having his past quite literally in his face?

Sorry...I don't quite get what you mean by "taking the mick." However, his uncle has no right to bully you and he has ABSOLUTELY no right to laugh about it. That is hugely problematic right there.

Giving you 5 min to get ready and leaving after is unreasonable...it is very hard to get ready in that time. Even if, for example, you had set that time as a leaving point EARLIER, or he gave you some notice as to his departure time before he arrived. But...honestly. 5min extra isn't that much more time that he could not have waited.

In general, while you have every right to be hurt about this, it does not sound like this was in any way a healty relationship for you and it is probably better that you decied to end it. The pain will go in time...I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but it will. I do not think you over reacted at all in this case. While you mention he has dealt with abuse from his ex, parts of this post suggest at least borderline emotional abuse on your part...and some of what you have gone through is not at all healthy for you in any way. I'm sorry you had to put up with that for as long as you did, but do not at all feel guilty for breaking everything off.

Good luck...I know this isn't probably isn't the easiest thing you've ever done...but I hope you the best

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Natasha89
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Thankyou for your reply

Im not stopping him going to the place he wants to go, but whenever i try to talk about his ex with him he dismisses it an wont talk to me about it, so i cant quiet understand why he puts himself through this.

Taking the mick i mean by "taking the piss.. ie: sniggering, pointing and laughing that sort of thing thats how i can describe it really. Ive asked him if he his shy or somethign to talk to his uncle about this for me seeing as it is his uncle but why would he be shy when they laugh together about me?

Im glad you understand that he could have waited for me, he doesnt seem to understand why it hurts so much to me.

The thing is i don't think i can leave him i know they say time is a great healer and all this but too many people are involved in this relationship, my mother would go mad if she knew today that we broke up because she adores him and his grandparents who he lives with ill have them phoning me or up or such because they think the world of me. I dont think i have the strength to leave.

I am hurting so bad, an if he comes over tonight an starts to cry to me ill break and take him back. Is there anything else i can do other than a break up?

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greenapp1es
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Here's the thing though...this isn't your mother's relationship, or his grandparents relationship. This is YOUR relationship. And in your relatiionship you deserve to be treated with the respect due to you. I can't make you leave or stay in the relationship....obviously...I'm on the opposite end of a computer screen on another continent. But your mother and his grandparents can't either. This needs to be your choice, out of what is right for you and your feelings and needs. From what you have posted above, your feelings and needs really don't seem to be addressed at all.

IF you do end up trying to salvage the relationship he needs to be a lot more attentive to your needs and feelings. What I'm afraid of...having seen abusive relationships in the past...is that going back into a relationship by "folding" will solve nothing...or if it does solve something it is only temporary. Things go back to being all fine and good for a few weeks, just long enough for you to remember how great the relationship can be, and then start to turn downhill again. Then each time you take a stand on something...it is harder and harder to keep that stand, as you've folded before.

What I would personally suggest at this point is a break...give yourself a period of time with no contact to figure out what YOU want and go at this with a clear head. Have him give you a week to concentrate on what is best for you. At the end of the week keep it...or break it. But the more contact you have the harder it will be to see the situation objectively on what is best for you.

And to reiterate what I said before...if you do end up trying to keep the relationship...whether now or after a break...you need to make it CLEAR that you deserve better. You do not deserve to be the subject of sniggering between your boyfriend and his uncle. You cannot be expected to be ready to jump anywhere at the snap of a finger. And while his ex is ultimately his business...you should have the right to at least talk to him on your concerns on something as easy as...oh, I don't know...possibly sitting at the other end of the club than his ex currently sits. Your feelings and needs are important too...and you owe it to yourself to stand up for them.

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Natasha89
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We cant get back together now anyway.
His uncle has drummed it in his head that he can do better and his nan has banned him from seeing me so really there is nothing i can do.
Thankyou for your help i know your far away but someone to talk to helps

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Behind every great man is a great woman

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-Lauren-
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Just thought I'd chime in here, Natasha. How are things going?

You really sound like you are/were in an abusive relationship. Did you break it off, for good? Belittling you in front of others and giving you unreasonable amounts of time to get ready "or else" makes it really clear that he has control issues.

If you haven't already, check out The Abusive Partner Checklist . That may put things into perspective.

Finally, be wary. Men who are controlling and abusive are also very good at manipulation. If he does come crying back, remember that his behavior is not likely to change.

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Natasha89
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Miss Lauren
He never hit me or anything like that,
his ex did that too him but i did the guide http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=9&t=000698

I sent him a message last night asking him why at least hadn't he gave me a text because i did say to him to keep in contact with me.
Anyways his uncle phoned him while i was there with him last night as he came to see me at 10pm, an we went somewhere to talk, well i shouted at his uncle because i grabbed the phone off him and i really went mad telling him hyow hurtful he has been to me. I think i shocked him because he said "gosh im sorry" and put the phone down.

I stayed at my parteners last night because we sat up till 4am an talked about our relationship, where it is going and things like that, i meantioned his ex and he told me that he wasnt very open about it all because he hates her and it makes him feel sick to talk about it, but he said for me to have a think and if it means that much for me to know whats happened between them he'll tell me tonight.. i just don't want to seem selifsh and make him feel hurt talking it through with me.. i just feel i need to know .He seems to realise that he knows he hurt me an says that now he will take my feelings into consideration.

So on the whole front of things i dont know whats going on, he's coming to get me a after work today as he only has half a day, an said that if i do get a doctors appointment he will take me there.

Ill update later on whats happened, but i hope his uncle isnt mean to him as they work together and i was harsh on the phone last night.

[ 04-27-2006, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: Natasha89 ]

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-Lauren-
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I'm glad to hear that your partner seems to be coming around. You shouldn't feel guilty about having him talk with you about his previous relationship, especially since you're having concerns about how it relates to you two, now. You deserve to know, and he is hopefully mature enough to be honest about everything.

I know that he doesn't hit you, hun, but abuse doesn't have to be physical. I hope you mean by "he knows he hurt you" that he knows his behavior around his uncle was not acceptable. From the sound of things, maybe the uncle came around. By his reaction, it seemed he never actually KNEW that his remarks hurt. Some people really can be oblivious, no?

I hope you can continue to work things out and figure out what needs to be done. Updates would be appreciated [Smile]

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greenapp1es
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Natasha...I saw your poll results on the polls page. You had two boxes checked in the poll I saw...and the instructions at the top do say that if you "check two or more on this list, you are in a relationship that is not safe for you." Also, in your explanation of things below you mentioned that he has yelled at you...and in the post above you mention that he was joking with his uncle at your expense. At that I would also check one more box...that box being the "My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down" box. Based on the list, this does put you in an abusive relationship.

I understand that he has never hit you...but he doesn't have to. Emotional abuse can hurt just as much and have long lasting effects. Some of what he is dealing with may be lefover from the abusive relationship that he had with his ex, but even if it is, that does not excuse his behavior. Simply in the post above he has done some things that are very disrespectful to your feelings, and if that is commonplace for your relationship that is not healthy.

As Miss Lauren said, it is good that your partner seems to be coming around. Please, though...please please PLEASE be careful ok? It does seem like he may not have understood what he was doing to you. But he needs to. He needs to take your feelings into account, and be respectful of what you need and feel. I does look like some part of the problem you've gone through is communication got confused. But the two of you need to communicate continuously...which is a job for both of you. You need to tell him when something bugs you, he needs to listen. He needs to be open with his feelings as well, and...while you seem to be sensative to his needs already...just to be fair that is something you need to do on your end too.

So since it looks like you two will be staying together...make what happened here a point to keep open mutual communication with each other ok? Also...make a list of the things he has done that have hurt you, and things that need to change. Make him aware of these. Hopefully things will get a lot better. But keep track of that list...and if there are still problems that persist after this gets patched up you need to be aware of that. Don't let yourself get stuck in another situation like what happened here...you deserve deserve so much more than that.

And as Miss Lauren said too...updates are appreciated. I hope everything turns out ok for you.

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Natasha89
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Does that mean because i ticked three boxes that he could turn abusive to me?
I dont want that at all to happen

Im thinking of showing him this post because even though he is aware he has hurt me an we spent half the night talking i think showing him what i wrote might shock him into realising it did hurt alot.

He sent me a message this morning around 11am telling me his uncle is not himself and that he's hardly spoken to him, my intention wasn't for them to fall out but just to be left alone.

He's coming over at 2pm and its 12.20pm now so i have abotu two hours to compose myself mentally if i do show him what i have wrote.
He said he wants to take me out this afternoon and that to talk again. Ill update on the situation later

Again i do apprecite both your help ive never been in a predicament like this before

I have a letter that i just recieved in the post from him it seems he posted it the day we broke up an guessing that he thought we wouldn't work things out he wrote an posted it... if you would like me to type it out i will just do that...?

[ 04-27-2006, 06:39 AM: Message edited by: Natasha89 ]

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Behind every great man is a great woman

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greenapp1es
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Checking the three boxes isn't just the indicator that he can become abusive...it is an indicator that he may be abusive now. For some reason many girls don't seem to realize that a relationship doesn't have to be physcially abusive to be abusive...emotional is just as real. On the other hand...yes, sometimes abuse that starts at the level you seem to describe does eventually turn physical. I told you above that I've had a couple of friends in bad relationships....turns out I didn't know the extent of one's until the relationship was over. "He would never, ever, hit me" turned into "well, he did hit and rape me...but only a couple of times, and I throught I really deserved them."

I am not saying that this will happen to you. But I've seen it happen before...and abuse of any kind in a relationship, even if it doesn't get to the physical level, is just not cool.

Hence why I've made it a point that if you stay with him you need to be careful. It does seem at this point that he may have honestly not known that what he was doing hurt you as much as it has. If that is the case, he needs to be aware of that now...very aware...and you need to make sure you let him know when something is as hurtful as hes been. He needs to respect that and stop. And he needs to respect you today, tomorrow, and in 2 weeks from now, in 2 months, etc. If all the hurt stops, fine. But it needs to stay stopped. So...as I said, keep a list going. If some of the problems that came up here don't go away or do for a little bit and come back, then you need to know that and at that point get out.

I'm sorry I didn't see this until after he came over...but I hope that went well whether you showed him or not. And as for the letter he sent...it is up to you whether you want to post it or not. If you feel it would help us understand your situation and feel comfortable with it...by all means. If you'd rather keep it to yourself...thats fine too.

And let us know how stuff turns out, ok?

Oh, and just so you know, you do have a response on the other board where you posted too...so check there as well.

[ 04-27-2006, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: greenapp1es ]

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Natasha89
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ok i have another problem regarding this relationship and now i know your all going to tell me to end it, i just cant find the strength:

i had a rough night
i dont know how to take it.
Anyways as per usual i was at my parteners last night but as his grandparents are away we had the house to ourself, anyways as im still hurting that the fact he left me that weekend. (keep that in mind) i wrote about that to begin with
He recieved a text last night from a girl friend asking if he wants too meet for a drink saturday night, he agreed (knowing full well we have been invited to my cousins 18th b'day party and has been planned for weeks)
So i went quiet an turned aroun an said why do you always push me out?
what you mean he replied?
I said ok you promise all these people to go everywhere an you never let them down but you promise me to take me away to portsmouth and too my cousins bday party but u always let me down.
So he went funny started shouting, i went downstairs told him to calm down, he came down still upset i said i was leaving, walked out, he followed kicked of in his street then smashed up his rover that is technically written off but not for sure,he just went psycho smacked the pants off it with his arms an legs an felt no pain. The whole right side of the car is buckled and smashed, he then came storming over to me, there is me thinking he was going to smack me any girl would, so i threatened him with the police, an stayed on the sofa that night because it was gone 3am when we finished shouting an he calmed down an convinced me he wasnt going to smack me,
We are on talking terms, because he said because his ex was controlling that he developed this violent outbursts that he cant control, told me he was to scared to show me and tell me because i might have walked away, i said id go with him to the doctors to get help, he was in bits an distraught that he scared me and that he showed me his bad side that he cant control.
i dont know what to do anymore
help

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Behind every great man is a great woman

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September
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Hun, you obviously already know the answer: You need to get out of this relationship!

He may or may not have had a controlling ex and she may or may not have driven him to lose control, but even if that's true, it's not an excuse. There is no justification for what he is doing, and whether or not he choses to scare the bejeezus out of you on a regular basis is actually totally in his control.

If he gets help and actually works on his behaviour, he may learn to keep his anger in check and then he may possibly make a better boyfriend. But that's a big IF, and unless you see some serious intentions to get better on his part, I suggest you don't stick around to wait and see what happens.

Do you have any kind of a support system? Family, friends, a mentor you can talk to? Even just a school counselor? Go talk to one of them. Tell them about your situation if you haven't already and make sure they've got your back.

Getting out of relationships like this isn't easy, but I think it's the only sane thing to do in this situation.

Good luck!

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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logic_grrl
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We are on talking terms, because he said because his ex was controlling that he developed this violent outbursts that he cant control

Really? This stinks of phoniness.

Nobody is made to have violent outbursts just because their ex was "controlling" (and whatever he claims she did, it doesn't seem to have been enough to stop him sitting with her on a regular basis).

And unless he has a serious mental illness, they are something he can control.

What it sounds like is him passing the buck and refusing to take responsibility for his own behaviour (which s the only way his behaviour's ever going to change).

Even if you still want to help him as a friend, the only safe option is getting out of a romantic relationship with him, because the odds are that this is just going to keep escalating.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Natasha89
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Im scared to a certain extenet to finish it woth him because im not sure what hes capable of, if he can smash a car up over a small row what will he did to me or anything if i call it of?

No i have no friends to talk to about this because they just say to me its your mes you get out of it, my family as ive said before my mum adores him an wont hear any bad, my dads said get out, my aunt is the only one i can talk to an shes said leave an shell be there for me, i dotn have a councilor or anything like that as im not at school anymore.

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Behind every great man is a great woman

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logic_grrl
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Im scared to a certain extenet to finish it woth him because im not sure what hes capable of, if he can smash a car up over a small row what will he did to me or anything if i call it of?

And I think that tells you right away why you need to get out, now. Especially as things are likely to get worse, and make it harder to get out.

One option that some people have used is to choose a public place to break up with an abusive partner, so that there are other people around to intervene if he gets violent.

You can also make it clear that you''ll call the police if he gets violent or threatens you.

It sounds like your aunt is willing to be helpful, and if your dad's already told you to get out of the relationship, then it's likely that he'll be supportive of your decision too. So you do have some allies.

I know it must be scary, but staying in the relationship really isn't safe at this point.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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greenapp1es
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I'm so sorry thing turned worse for you. But I do second what logic_grrl and september said to you...you need to get out now.

For starters and most importantly, your boyfriend has now introduced a new element into play...that being fear. He has done something that would cause you as a reasonable person to fear for your safety...and if this is allowed now he will use it to his advantage later. The longer this goes on the more trapped you will feel. This is a type of control...and allows him to use your fear of what he is capable of when any subject that he does not want to deal with comes up.

Getting out in a public place is probably the best option...find a place that is private enough for you two to talk comfortably but public enough where there are people around. Restaraunt booth perhaps? Or something of the like?

Let your aunt and your dad know what is going on...when you break up you will want a support network. If you can talk to your friends and let them know that once he is gone you would appreciate it if they can be supportive of you too.

Please keep us updated on what happens and how you are doing. I've seen how hard this can be...and I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can at this point.

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