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Author Topic: boyfriend wants to give me oral, but...
Mathilde
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Hi, everyone. My boyfriend really wants to perform oral on me, but I don't feel ready. I'm more worried that someone will walk in on us or something. . . and I do consider oral to be "sex". My boyfriend is an understanding person, and he won't do it if I don't want him to; however, he manages to throw in comments like, "come on, you know you want to", "I just want to pleasure you", and "it would be a lot faster". I'm just not ready, though. I'm not comfortable with the idea of him being down there -- it just feels a bit too... up-close and personal. He's reassured me that there isn't one part of me that he finds unattractive, which is gratifying, but I'm still hesitant.

It doesn't matter to me, really, and I've told him this. I'm more comfortable with "manual sex", as I know that I can refrain from getting any STIs. I know there is protection for oral (dental dams), but I just don't feel comfortable with the idea... Maybe later on when I don't have the fear of getting caught...?

My boyfriend was getting really horny last time, practically begging, and that just makes me feel bad. ("Maybe I should let him do it...") He really, really wants to. But the thing is, I don't want to do something I might regret, as I really care about him, and I really love how our relationship is going. I don't want to rush into something when I know that I will be uncomfortable and awkward the whole time....

Note that he's not the type of person to pressure me into anything; he says it's the "ultimate form of affection that isn't actual intercourse", which is why he is so eager to perform it.

Help? Advice? Comforting words?

[ 04-16-2006, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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likewhoa19
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You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel like the right thing to do. And if you think it would make you feel awkward with him, you definitely shouldn't do it. I'm sure in time it might be the right thing to do, but you've always got time.
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LilBlueSmurf
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I agree w/ likewhoa19.

I wanted to point out something though ... You say numerous times how you're not comfortable with oral sex (and you went as far as to make a whole post here about it), and then you say it doesn't matter to you. Are you bothered by it or does it really not matter?

It may seem like i'm trying to cause a fuss, but i'm really not. You need to decide for yourself whether this is actually a big deal for you, and it sounds like it is. And that's totally okay. I worry though, that you're already thinking 'it doesnt really matter' and this will be an easy way for your boyfriend to talk you into doing something you don't want to do. Yes, it does matter, and you do not have to do anything you don't want to do!!

You need to let him know in 'no nonsense' terms that this is not okay. Tell him that when you're ready for oral sex, you'll let him know, otherwise the answer is no.

As for the 'ultimate form of affection' ... That's bullocks. There are MANY ways of showing affection, and, for the record, pressuring your partner into sexual activities s/he's not okay with is not one of them.

If he doesn't cool it, quick, i'd be looking for a partner elsewhere.

[ 04-16-2006, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: LilBlueSmurf ]

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greenapp1es
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quote:
Originally posted by Mathilde:

Note that he's not the type of person to pressure me into anything; he says it's the "ultimate form of affection that isn't actual intercourse", which is why he is so eager to perform it.

He is putting pressure on you though.


My boyfriend is an understanding person, and he won't do it if I don't want him to; however, he manages to throw in comments like, "come on, you know you want to", "I just want to pleasure you", and "it would be a lot faster"


"My boyfriend was getting really horny last time, practically begging, and that just makes me feel bad."


This IS pressure.

Believe me, I understand the situation you are in. I've had my boyfriend for a little over a year, he is VERY interested in sex, while I am a virgin who has had some abuse in the past that is taking me time to get over. While my boyfriend doing his absolute best to be patient with me, there are times I see very plainly in his face how much he would like to go further. And though he tells me not to, I cannot help but feel a little bit bad about not being ready to have the level of relationship he wants. My boyfriend, however, insists that he is perfectly fine with whatever pace I move on, and that he is more interested in and will be more fullfilled by me getting to a place where I can enjoy what he does for me than pushing me out of my comfort zone.

If you are not comfortable with something -- be it oral, intercourse, or whatever -- he needs to respect that and wait for you until YOU are ready. This includes stopping the begging and the comments. I'd advise telling him that you'll let him know if your comfort levels change. His constant coaxing isn't helping you; and you don't want to end up being resentful for going further than you wanted/were comfortable with. It is your body and your self. Don't feel obligated to do anything that YOU don't want to do.

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Mathilde
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quote:
While my boyfriend doing his absolute best to be patient with me, there are times I see very plainly in his face how much he would like to go further. And though he tells me not to, I cannot help but feel a little bit bad about not being ready to have the level of relationship he wants. My boyfriend, however, insists that he is perfectly fine with whatever pace I move on, and that he is more interested in and will be more fullfilled by me getting to a place where I can enjoy what he does for me than pushing me out of my comfort zone.
Yeah. I just need to talk to him. I mean REALLY talk. We are very good about discussing things like this (sex, etc), but I just need to get this oral sex thing through his head. I can do it.

quote:
If he doesn't cool it, quick, i'd be looking for a partner elsewhere.
I can get him to cool it. I just need to get my thoughts together and present him with a clear reason as to why I don't want to go that far at this moment. I don't want to end my relationship with him over something that can be solved over a nice long talk. He really is a fabulous person, and he will listen. He has been very patient with me (we are both virgins) from the beginning (we've been an item for a year-and-a-half). I like to take things slow, so as not to regret anything. I don't want to look back on our relationship saying, "Mm, I shouldn't've done that then. I should've waited."

quote:
I wanted to point out something though ... You say numerous times how you're not comfortable with oral sex (and you went as far as to make a whole post here about it), and then you say it doesn't matter to you. Are you bothered by it or does it really not matter?
No, I think you misunderstood my comment: I mean that it doesn't matter if I recieve oral or not. I could care less about it [oral], personally. At this point, I don't really see the big deal with oral, when I can recieve just as much pleasure out of other forms of sexual activity (excluding anal/vaginal intercourse/blow jobs) --- and it doesn't even have to be sexual activity for me to enjoy it.

[ 04-16-2006, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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zeta
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If you don't feel ready, just don't. You really don't have to.

And I'd say your boyfriends comments are rather out of line. If he's really awesome otherwise and really not meaning to just pressure you, you might want to talk with him about why exactly he's got the idea that oral sex is "the ultimate form of affection".

I mean, I slightly see how that could happen -there is much talk about how not all girls can come from intercourse, and how a non-selfish male will make sure through oral or whatever that the girl is having at least as good a time as they are. I find "guys who sleep with girls should make an effort to make sure she really enjoys it" to be an admirable notion. But sounds like he might've ended up with impression that "good boyfriend will give oral sex" instead of "good boyfriend will make sure that she's really enjoying herself". If he got that confused I can see he'd be a bit frustrated -for all he knows he's trying his best to be good and it's not working =).

Don't get me wrong, it's not cool of him to pressure you and you should never do anything you don't want to. But if he really believes that he's trying to please you, you might get somewhere with telling him that, well, while going down on a girl is often used as example of considering said girl's needs, the *point* is not the sex act but the consideration. And that consideration in this case needs to be shown by forgetting about the going down.

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Mathilde
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quote:
I mean, I slightly see how that could happen -there is much talk about how not all girls can come from intercourse, and how a non-selfish male will make sure through oral or whatever that the girl is having at least as good a time as they are. I find "guys who sleep with girls should make an effort to make sure she really enjoys it" to be an admirable notion. But sounds like he might've ended up with impression that "good boyfriend will give oral sex" instead of "good boyfriend will make sure that she's really enjoying herself". If he got that confused I can see he'd be a bit frustrated -for all he knows he's trying his best to be good and it's not working =).
You pretty much hit the nail on the head there, I think. [Smile]

He wants me to have a good time, and I think that's where he's mixed up a bit. He thinks that the oral will be better than manual, and that it will give me a great orgasm; he wants to help, I'm sure, and that's why he's so eager to do it. He feels that I'm not getting the best out of other things. He's more about making me feel good, which is admirable all the same (in a way).

quote:
But if he really believes that he's trying to please you, you might get somewhere with telling him that, well, while going down on a girl is often used as example of considering said girl's needs, the *point* is not the sex act but the consideration. And that consideration in this case needs to be shown by forgetting about the going down.
Great point there. I'll be sure to tell him that. He needs to understand that I don't have to have oral to be satisfied, and we need to draw the line between consideration and pressure. I have the feeling that he thinks he's 'trying to help' when he's been doing a fine job elsewhere. [Smile] I'll need to gratify that whilst explaining.

[ 04-18-2006, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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Mathilde
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Alright, my boyfriend and I took a nice walk today and discussed 'The Issue'. It went well. He understood my concern, and he acknowledged it, too. I asked him to please not beg and plead with me for it.... At this, I informed him that we could think of many things to do in order to make up for the lack of oral, etc... [Smile] (This is not in my exact words, but it's peraphrased...)

All in all, I'm glad that the two of us got to talk about it for a bit, etc. It was a discussion that was well overdue, and I'm glad it was attempted.

[ 04-19-2006, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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StarHallie
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"It doesn't matter to me, really, and I've told him this. I'm more comfortable with "manual sex", as I know that I can refrain from getting any STIs."

Just make sure you know that there still IS STI risk here...you're not completely home free! Also, if you engage in any dry sex, skin to skin contact can also present STI risks.

Here's some info!
Safe, Sound and Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Mathilde
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I know, I know. The reason I said that is because we're very good about keeping our hands clean before and after any manual, seeing as we don't have rubber gloves handy. But yes, 'we' try to stay as safe as we can.

Thanks for the link! I'll give it a look. [Smile]

[ 04-20-2006, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Mathilde ]

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StarHallie
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Great to hear! Good luck with everything!

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

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Mathilde
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quote:
Originally posted by StarHallie:
Great to hear! Good luck with everything!

Thanks very much. You've all been a great help to me. [Big Grin]
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