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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » too fast, too serious?

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Author Topic: too fast, too serious?
Member # 27744

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so i'm 16 and have been in a few relationships. the last two that i got into (including this one) feel like just big messes. they start off nice, we get close really really quick and then.. it's almost immediately a huge inescapable net of promises, drama and emotion.

i do love this guy--at least in the sense that i trust and care about him so much, and i never want to see him hurt and i don't want him to care about me any less.

but i feel like we got way too serious way too fast. i know i should just tell him how i feel. but the problem is, with all the things we've said to eachother about how we feel (which i'm hoping are true, because i know love can be confused with a lot of things), i know he would hate me if i wanted our relationship to be more relaxed. i'm sure he'd think of it as taking steps backward. it would just go completely against all the things we've said and everything.. he just wouldn't understand. i'm worried because his last relationship lasted for over a year, even though it was empty and neither of them wanted to be in it. from what i understand they just stayed together because it was just how it was, and it had been so long that getting out of it would be difficult. they ended up hating eachother.

but with us it's already like that! after only 3 months! and he's completely changed who he is. i knew him to be some one eternally strong and trustworthy and competent and awesome. now he appears to me as someone different. someone whiny and vulnerable to what everybody else thinks, and all those other things human that i unrealisticly didn't expect to see in him.

although, he even treats me different lately. everything used to be sweet and romantic and perfect and now all of that is completely gone. it's like we're a couple that has been married for years and the same old routine is getting boring!! it's ridiculous!

but maybe it was unrealistic expect to the romantic sweetness to last forever, also. -_-

i think i just don't feel like anybody is worth having a "real" relationship with. yet. maybe i never will. yes i know, i've had so many years of wisdom and experience to come to this conclusion, but really.. i've gotten to know a lot of people really well. and i can't even imagine somebody who _doesn't_ exist that i would want to be with; no dream guy, no dream girl, nothing. sure, sex is good. cool. but i'm not attracted to pretty much anyone, either physically or the way they act. if it's even one, it's never the other.

i don't know what my problem is! can anyone relate to any of this? or am i just ranting and need to take care of this myself.

on a side note: i adore this website. if it wasn't around i don't know what i'd do. thank you, scarleteen people.

[ 04-07-2006, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: -arsyn- ]

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2340

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There's absolutely nothing wrong puttin' on the breaks for a little bit. I would hope that if your boyfriend cares about you in the same way you care about him, he would understand and respect your wishes. If he can't do that, then maybe he's not worth sticking with.

Although this the case in all relationships, in my experience relationships that seem to move very quickly at the start can start to feel empty. While the physical is certainly fun and feels really good at times, if there's no foundation to the relationship, it's difficult to make it last.

Also, there's no rule that you have to be looking for a "real" relationship. (I'm assuming you mean long term, or very emotionally involved, or something of that nature, so please correct me if I'm wrong.) Some of my friends won't date anyone they couldn't see as their life partner. That just doesn't make any sense to me!

Posts: 286 | From: Ames, IA | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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Magpie said it all.

I second the notion; there's nothing wrong with not desiring a "real" relationship. Lots of people are content with having lots of different partners, so the romance is always fresh and new. That, by the way, doesn't make one a "slut". It's just you being true to who you are and what you like. Just keep an open mind and go with your gut; you have years upon YEARS to decide what you want from relationships. Have fun!

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I feel like I should also add that deep relationships take time. One just can't decide one is in a "real" relationship: they develop, and calling them such doesn't make'em such.

Especially when serial monogamy is just a default setting, as it often is.

As I mentioned to another poster the other day, the first six months or so of ANY relationship is the time one gets to know someone. While there are obviously variance between people and amidst different relationships, it's very normal for someone to be a bit different a few months in then they were at first. After all, when most people first start dating someone, they've got their bast face on: only after some time do they become comfortable enough to show their truest colors, their insecurities, fears, et cetera.

So, while young adult relationships often have a faster velocity, it's sage not to even consider committing for at LEAST a few months. Even if you want to date that person exclusively after a few weeks, make clear that that's all you're doing: you're DATING exclusively, not making a commitment to something long-term, until the two of you really get the chance to see how you fit -- if you fit -- over at least a few months.

And if this guy wouldn't be okay with pulling back the reins this early in the game? With you just saying, "Hey, this feels a bit fast for me, I need to slow down a little?" Then it'd be pretty clear this isn't someone you'd be likely to have a long-term healthy relationship with even if you wanted it.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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