Ok, so as you may have read from other posts, my b/f of almost 2 years broke up with me a couple months ago and at first I was floored and depressed. Moving on from that, I cut all contact as you all suggested and it's worked really well. No more crying, no more needing him. Missing him, sometimes yes, but tears and pining, no.
Anyway, the point of all this. When we first broke up, I did talk to him and while awkward at points, it wasn't totally a bad thing. Now that I stopped talking to him (and he hasn't talked to me either, he said it was totally my call if we talked or not) I don't know how/if to approach the whole friend thing again.
So, I'm wondering how you guys have handled it. Do you think it's better to push forward and never look back, even though they were such a big part of your life for so long? Or talk to them, and try to be no more than friends? I don't want him to just be my friend out of guilt either .... he has apologized multiple for times for the way it ended and pain he caused (there was another girl, lets leave it at that)
I think we've both accepted we wouldn't have worked romantically in the long run. What's next? Where are all of you in regards to ex's?
[I did search this but didn't find what I was looking for]
Posts: 50 | From: us | Registered: Mar 2005
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Imo, reestablishing friendship works best if you had an "honorable discharge" - one that ends because you both realize the relationship is going nowhere and are fine with it, or you were friends previously and realize that dating just isn't better than friendship.
No contact works best if your relationship had circumstances that were anything less than "honorable" - which would include cheating.
A couple of months sounds like a bit too soon to re-establish friendship. You need time for yourself. You feel better now, but you shouldn't do anything to jinx it.
It's good that he apologized, but you have to decide whether you want someone who betrayed your trust as a friend. You may wind up being disappointed if you try to secure his friendship. You said that cutting all contact worked really well - why not keep it that way?
There's generally no reason for people to be friends with an ex, particularly if one person got betrayed or hurt. But if you both are interested in being plain friends, then try it carefully.
In terms of my personal experience - ex #1 broke up with me for selfish reasons. I had to be polite to him when we were in class last year, butI have no contact with him and am glad for it.
The current bf and I just decided to take a full break because of family trouble on his side. He wants to maintain our friendship and see if we can get together in the future. I agree. BUT to minimize my stress, I'm letting him call me.
In this situation, I do want to be friends with him because we parted on good terms and our break was not caused by anything in our relationship.
[ 03-26-2006, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: kitka ]
Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005
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I understand what you are saying, that wanting to be friends with someone who hurt me is illogical, but we had this ability to talk that I miss. The basis of our relationship was talking and opening up about everything we were otherwise afraid of talking about -- religion, fate, life, fears etc.
Never communicating again seems like a waste of two years. It's building this amazing friendship and then dropping it cold. This is my first long-term relationship and break-up so maybe I'm not accepting it the way I should, but I don't like the idea of closing that door forever.
Anyone else feel that way? Like erasing someone is throwing a piece of you away?........
Posts: 50 | From: us | Registered: Mar 2005
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Just because you do not have a current relationship with the person does NOT mean you wasted the two years. It sounds like you truely grew, as a person, with this guy ... You may be a different person and think differently because of the influence he had on your life.
This does NOT mean that you should still be in an intimate relationship with him, or that you should even be friends. I just believe that people come into our lives for a reason, do their thing, and then sometimes leave our lives. (Sounds kinda corny coming from someone who doesn't believe in much, but whatever ... )
Anyway ... I agree with a lot of what kitka has to say. I can see why you'd want a relationship with him, even though he did hurt you, but you should want to be friends with him because he's a good guy, not because you feel like you're 'wasting two years' if you don't. He should earn this friendship, not just get it by default because you two used to be an item.
So, think about it. Think about why you want to be his friend, truely (you're only lying to yourself otherwise), and consider giving yourself a few months to heal. If you don't, there's a possibility that any hurt feelings you DO have could jepordize this friendship before it even starts.
littleduckling, I think I can sort of understand where you're coming from. I broke up with my ex about 9 months ago (we were together for 2 and a half years). At first, we cut contact completely for about 3 months, then he got in touch and we tried to be friends, but he said it was too hard, so we cut contact for a further 6 months. Currently, we're good friends, but it's taken a long time to get there and it's still delicate. It's a very difficult situation, and it's never gona be simple after so much heartbreak - I'm speaking not only about my relationship but any serious relationship that ends on bad terms. I feel exactly the same as you though, about wasting two years... I understand what lilbluesmurf says, that that shouldn't be the basis of a friendship or the reason you keep trying. But for me, he played such a large part of my life and meant so much to me that it's very hard to completely let that go, so we're giving the friendship thing a try. I guess that's my advice - to give it a go, so that you know you tried, but you need to give it time.. going straight from raw heartbreak to just platonic friendship probably won't work! But even if you feel ready, bear in mind that it might be hard and it may not work out, and at some point it may be necessary to accept that. Sorry if that doesn't help at all, just trying to draw on my own experiences a bit... good luck with it all
Posts: 25 | From: London, United Kingdom | Registered: Feb 2002
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Okay, so in retrospect there were a lot of big problems in my former relationship. That was 3 years and we were in college. I would not be what i am now without those experiences. the times that were good were good, and the times that were bad were learning experiences. i hope you can say the same. it may take some time to get there, though. but hindsighht is 20/20.
When my that relationship ended, I was in a big period of transition. I was going away for graduate school, but I wasn't quite sure where. But it was a lot of change for me, and I never take to well to changing. I am the epitome of status quo.
I did occasionally talk to him, especially when i missed him a lot, but I was also really angry about the end of us. So i got a personal trainer, worked at the gym for two hours a day and lost a bit of girth (not weight, but size). I worked hard to make myself healthier.
So fast forward two and a half years. my ex moved nearby and i hear from him sometimes. but at this point i really have moved on. things are okay. i still enjoy schadenfreude (if you don't know what it is, look it up), but i don't need his misery to make me happy.
Well, I am friends with nearly all of my ex's. Then, most of them were friends before anything "more" ever happened, and in most cases they were quick breakups due to the fact that while we had everything in common as friends, we were not relationship compatible. (Mistake I did a lot when younger; thinking that just because we had a lot in common we could work out as partners).
When it comes to them, well, I tried to date them because they were awesome, they're still awesome even if it didn't work. But no-one was seriously hurt with those.
On the other hand, if whatever happened hurt you a lot, keep distance for a while. Friends after breakup is easy once both of you are absolutely convinced, not just knowing it makes intellectual sense but *absolutely* *emotionally* *convinced* that being together wouldn't work. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a world of drama.
I did ditch one of my longago ex's in a very, very bad way, I am not proud of it, but well, no excuses I can make. I was messed up at the time, and messed up. I just let him know that I was deeply sorry but did not ask for forgiveness, since that would have been hard for him to deal with and would just have made me feel better.
I thought the best way to make amends was not to try and make said ex to forgive me (since that would have eased my conscience) or to remain my friend (since I regretted the loss of his conversation and whatnot). That would all just have been further selfishness on my part, it would likely have hurt him while making me feel better. So instead I stayed carefully away from him, but responded warmly to his eventual offer of friendhip -which did come, though many years later. We're friends now. But not close like we were; while as partners we could talk of anything and were the closest in the world, now.. well, not so.
So in short, in my opinion, it's great to be friends with ex's if it's okay with all. But the closeness and really good conversation that happened in long-term relationship -well, it likely won't. You can't talk of everything and all, it's awkward, and even if you could, you'll have your current partners feelings to consider.
Most importantly, if he's really sorry for having hurt you, instead of just selfishly wanting to keep the good things he had with you without having to take the responsibility, he'll let you decide exactly the amount of contact or lack thereof you're comfortable with. So just take your own time and do your own thing, learn to be happy without him. If he doesn't applaud that he's not friend material.
-------------------- I don't get even, I get odder Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2004
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It really depends how the relationship ended and how deep the friendship was before dating.
In all honesty, I don't have a whole lot of exs that I still keep in touch but again, these relationships were short and it wasn't serious enough to make it long term. I've only had two relationships that were sort of serious that ended. I was the one that ended it. Both weren't boyfriend material at all, disrepected me for who I am, and etc. I remained contact with them for a little while after the break up but i eventually closed off all contact realizing that they weren't worth my time and to be in my life as friends either.
The other guys that I've been with were flings that weren't classified as dating or being together as a couple. I had been involved with two guys that were (and are still) close friends with me. We had what you can call it, friends with benefits. It was awkward for the guys more than me after that was ended but we're still close and talk about life and etc to this day. Those two are invited to my wedding in two months.
It really depends how comfortable you are with maintaining and how true of a friend your partner is after the breakup and obviously, how bad the relationship ended on.
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