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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » semi-long-distance

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Author Topic: semi-long-distance
daria319
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I've been with my fiance for over three years now, and I'm in college, living about 130 miles away from him. We see each other about once a month for three days or so. We call each other every day, at least twice.(He calls in the morning to ask if I've taken my pill yet just to make sure everything's okay with me, and of course to be sure I didn't forget it.) Well, every time he brings me back to campus to so I can return to classes(after my weekend break/spring break, etc), it's really difficult to see him leave. The first time he left me here freshman year, I was in tears for hours, crying so hard I could barely breathe. He gets kind of down on the drive home -- he usually calls about 10 minutes after he leaves because he "needed to hear my voice." Everyone kept telling me that it gets easier -- I'm a junior in college now and it doesn't seem to have changed at all. I want to know the truth -- does it EVER get easier being away from someone you love? Does it ever hurt even a little bit less?


I love being near him so much. I feel safer than I ever have in my entire life. We tell each other anything and everything, and if one has a problem, the other is there to help at a moment's notice. Everything just works well. When I get on campus by myself, it seems that no matter where I turn, there's someone who wants to argue with me, or someone I know is going to hurt my feelings again.(It's a small campus, and if one person doesn't like you, they have ten friends talking trash about you.) It's like high school all over again here, and I'm sick of it. The only peace I've gotten in the past three months has been in his house, when we're sitting alone and just talking or cuddling.

Enough of my rambling about how nice things are, and back to my original question..

Does it get easier, or are people just telling me that to try and make me feel better?

[ 03-20-2006, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: daria319 ]

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

Posts: 407 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
magpie
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I don't really have an answer as to if it will get easier or not, but I can offer you some suggestions. You seem really frustrated with your college. Is transferring an option for you? If you dread what you're going "home" to, it makes it a lot harder to leave someone you love. Although my partner and I have never done the long distance thing, there's certainly a difference between going away for a conference you're looking forward to and going away to deal with family issues.

If transferring is not an option for you, is there anything you can do to make your college environment a little better? Maybe pick up a new hobby or join a new club?

There aren't any easy answers, but if you don't have anything else to keep your mind off your boyfriend, it can make it a lot harder.

[ 03-20-2006, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: magpie ]

Posts: 286 | From: Ames, IA | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
daria319
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Transferring really isn't an option for me. Actually, staying OUT of the student organizations tends to help me avoid most of the less than supportive people I mentioned before.

Most of the people on this campus aren't in the highschool mindset, and I have two really great roommates, as well as some very good friends. The problem is pretty much random jerks that I seem to have ticked off at one point or another. My roommates are helping me deal with the main source right now because they're having issues with her too. I'm just tired of people being intentionally rude -- the urge to "smack some sense into them" is getting stronger by the day, and I'm likely to end up yelling at some people if they don't learn to back off when I tell them to.

Sorry, I needed to vent for the night. It's going to be like this mo matter where I go. At least here I've got a very good program for my major, and the faculty really cares.

I'm probably just going to make an appointment for the counseling center again. Our counselors are the only people on this campus who always seem to know how to help me get my head straight. I really appreciate what they do.

[ 03-21-2006, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: daria319 ]

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

Posts: 407 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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It gets a whole lot easier if you get your own life and live it. Seriously, I am speaking from experience.

My boyfriend was in the military. He was stationed about 200 miles from me for several months during our relationship, so we only got to see each other on occasional weekends. Then he got transferred to another base, and while the mileage was theoretically closer, his schedule prevented him from seeing me or even calling me more than a few times a month.

It was tough dealing with the separation, but I have a lot of friends, and at the time i was working on my master's degree, so i was pretty busy with school. I have a life and I live it. I don't feel incomplete without him around. Yes, I *love* to be with him, and it does hurt when he has to leave again (currently, he lives about 50 miles from me, which is about 2 hours drive-time with constantly bad traffic between us). But I get by because i have other things to do.

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daria319
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I do have other things to do -- my friends here always have something going on, and I'm pretty much responsible for all the cooking around here. I get busy with classes, but the way my breaks are set up, I end up having about an hour or two alone in the apartment. It's that little bit of time that makes me sulk a little. Most days, I'm totally fine because I've got good friends here, and there's plenty to do. Even the neighbors come over almost every day, and it's like a family around this apartment(at least ever since the nutty roommate got kicked out).

I guess I'm just sick of the few moments when I am upset. Of course, who doesn't hate being sad, even if it's only for a bit?

I'm doing better today -- it's just the first day he's gone that throws me for a loop. I spent ten days with him and my routine is entirely disrupted, so it's just taking some effort to get back into the swing of things and be ready for classes.

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

Posts: 407 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
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I know I would go CRAZY if I couldn't see my boyfriend every day. We are together every second we are home. Unless its a work night (Sunday night - Thursday night) and I am staying at my place. . then we are apart only when we are sleeping.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. . any of you who are dealing with this. My thoughts are with you! Good luck with this! I hope it does get easier.

I agree that if you get yourself involved in something it would take your mind off of being apart from him, maybe only temporarily, but hey! A little piece of peace can do A LOT!

Good luck with this! I hope everything works out for the best! [Smile]

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And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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ax50607
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Is it possible to see him more often? I'm in a similar situation- I'm away at school and living about a 3 hour car ride away from my boyfriend. When i first left, we only were seeing each other about once a month or so and things were getting really hard for both of us. After my first winter break, we decided to both make a concerted effort to never go more than 2 weeks without seeing each other. It's been difficult to manage, but we love each other a lot and seeing each other is a priority to both of us, so we make it happen.
Posts: 69 | From: NC, US | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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Sounds like what I used to call the "withdrawl" period. My husband (then boyfriend) and I had a LDR for a very long time. We'd talk all the time, but would only see one another once every couple of months. The time together was great, but the withdrawl was always awful. I'm not sure there was a time when he (or I) left that we both didn't cry. And I'd always go through a few really sad days, where my pillow still smelled like him and I would turn to say something to him only to realize that he wasn't there (sounds horribly mellow dramatic, doesn't it?).

I really found peace about it only after I finally recognized that what I was going through was totally normal. I mean, think about it...when you've got that long distance thing, your time together physically is usually a 24-hour a day thing. It's like sensory overload. This person, that you care about, is right there with you...and it's exciting and different and constant. And then they leave, not just for a while, but completely. So of course you will be upset. That's ok. I would usually clear my schedule for the entire day after he left so that I could have time to really let myself deal.

Once I started giving myself that space to grieve, then the missing that occured on a regular daily basis became something managable. Don't beat yourself up over missing him...it's normal to miss people who are gone. But not letting yourself dwell on it really helps. How about a volunteer activity or a new hobby? I think it's not just about finding something to do, but rather finding something meaningful to do. Just filling your time with mindless, meaningless clutter will only make you feel like you're biding the time until you can be with him again. But if you've got purpose, then it's easier to see the time as spent in a valuable manner that's actually making you a better person.

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Sarah Liz

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daria319
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It's pretty difficult for me to get back to campus for most activities once classes are over, so I've been trying to be around people in my apartment or nearby as much as possible. Even when I'm not missing him, I just really don't like being alone.

Tonight, my roommate and I cooked dinner for our other roommate who just turned 21. Last night, we went to karaoke at one of the bars downtown. That was definitely fun, and I was pretty chipper when I got up this morning.

We're all making a point to have dinner with at least two other people every night, and we're not just sitting around anymore. Cleaning has turned into a quick fix for entertainment. I know it sounds really silly, but when we get really bored, we start cleaning or re-organizing stuff in the apartment. Last time we cleaned out the fridge, I spent an hour laughing about moldy cheese.

Aside from all of that, we've been trying to have "girls night out" whenever we can so just the three of us can hang out and have some fun, and maybe get into some mischief. So far, we spent four hours in an antique store playing with vintage clothing and weird hats...and the occasional tea kettle.

I've pretty much got my hobbies, and the pool opens soon, so I'll be able to get the heck out of my apartment and lounge around in some nice cool water for a change. That's one thing that never fails to lift my spirits.

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

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Ecofem
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I think you've got some good ways to deal with this. Making dinner with friends is my absolute favorite thing to do-- and who doesn't like getting good, free food and nice company? (And, wow, do you want to come clean my fridge?! [Smile] )

And I wouldn't discount cold weather for playing a role in feeling down. Being able to get out and enjoy the fresh air is great; I think even people without SAD notice a change for the better once the temperatures improve...

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daria319
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The weather definitely doesn't help me out -- it's been raining/storming and pretty cold here lately, so I've been cooped up and freezing. That'll ruin anyone's mood.

It's supposed to get nicer out soon,though, so I'll be able to actually get around and do things without lugging jackets and stuff with me!

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

Posts: 407 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JennX
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One more suggestion.

Smell can heavily influence your mood. Does your boyfriend have a 'smell' - deodorant, aftershave, cologne, etc? I spent two years in a long distance relationship, and it was tough. But everytime we would part ways, my boyfriend would drench something (sometimes a tie, or a stuffed animal) in his cologne or deodorant.

Granted, for the first few days, the scent would be a bit *too* strong, but after that, it was very comforting to take a few long breaths of his scent when I was feeling lonely. An instant mood-lifter.

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Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

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daria319
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He's already done that. The first thing he ever gave me was a little black teddy bear, and it still smells like him. He's been doing that since we were in high school. Even when he gave it to me, he had carried it around in his jacket all day, so it smelled like him from the moment I got it.

He also forgot his leather jacket in my apartment. I keep it on the back of my desk chair so I have something to wrap up in while I'm on the computer late at night. I've borrowed it from him a few times to help with my sleepwalking -- it weighs a bit, so if I sleep with it draped over me, I won't be able to sit up without a little extra effort, and that usually wakes me before I can sleepwalk.( He started doing this after my first roommate caught me cooking ramen noodles in my sleep. It was pretty dangerous since the microwave was on the floor, and I'd already gotten scalding water splashed in my face while cooking the stuff when I was awake. I've pretty much stopped sleepwalking entirely, aside from about once incident a year, usually when I'm really upset.)

But yeah, I have my little teddy bear with me most of the time, so I don't feel so alone.

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"You owe me two lifetimes and a pair of perfect blue eyes."

Posts: 407 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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