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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » He completely trusts me, but he says I can cheat

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Author Topic: He completely trusts me, but he says I can cheat
deedra
Neophyte
Member # 27881

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My boyfriend says he completely trusts me, yet he says that every girl has the possibility of cheating. I tell him that he doesn't need to worry at all about me cheating on him because it would NEVER EVER happen. He says that I'm not a fortune teller and I'm just saying that now, but things may come up.


Yesterday, at dinner with a bunch of friends, he said that "girls are sneaky, that's why you gotta be prepared." I was mad at him and we talked about it. But do I have the right to be mad at his beliefs? Just thinking that he's "prepared" for it and, as he said earlier, he doesn't want to be "caught off-guard" really makes me upset. I think a relationship should be one where we completely trust eachother. But it's true, it can happen...but with me I know it would never happen. (his closest friend's gf cheated on him, and they were in a committed relationship). He says that when he goes to college and I'm a senior in high school next year, I'm gonna go off an hook up with another guy.


So, I guess my question is (I'm sorry it's so long up there), do I have a right to not be okay with those beliefs of his? Should I expect him to eventually ditch those ideas, or is it his right to believe was he belives?

Posts: 10 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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You certainly can not be okay with his beliefs. He can believe what he wants, even if it's untrue generalizations, but you can choose to not tolerate them.

He's not just being sexist and generalizing ("every girl has the possibility of cheating," "girls are sneaky," etc.) but also contradicting himself (he "completely trusts" you, but says you're "gonna go off and hook up with another guy.") I could go on about his flawed logic.

This reminds of a boyfriend from high school: He'd go on and on how I could trust him, but that should I ever cheat, I should let him know first, and on-and-on. This was more of a sign of his own low self-confidence, which he projected upon me. Turned out that he was a crappy guy in other regards, too. Sounds like maybe this guy realizes he's not treating you right and worries you'll look for someone better in the future.

In all honesty, this sounds like a subtle-but-blaring sign that he's not so great and you should leave the relationship now rather than later. Trusting a partner is important for a relationship, but just make sure it's a good partner who's treating you with respect.

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deedra
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Member # 27881

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I know I may have described him kind of like a jerk. But he is really a GREAT guy and he has such a good heart. I don't think I could end our relationship.

It's not that he's not treating me right, it's just that he is really insecure. I don't mean to sound pompous, but I am little attractive, and he worries that I'll get carried away with some hunk. (He thinks that I am an "upgrade" from him and I will eventually even it out) I don't mean to blame him for his beliefs, I mean, he said guys have the possibility of cheating as much as girls do - but he would never do it he says.

I know you said that I should end it, but I can't imagine ending it. I do realize he IS contradictory and insecure, but there are so many awesome aspects of him that I really like about him. But how am I supposed to deal with those beliefs of his? Am I supposed to eventually accept them...I mean, I can't make him change his beliefs - or are we to keep talking about it?

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DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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You need to realize that you can't "fix" him. This little insecurity of his can kill your relationship, and I don't think he realizes that.

Try talking to him, and telling him flat out that while you will never cheat on him, his distrust of your character hurts and that's more likely to kill the relationship than his fear. Only he can get over his issues. You can't make him.

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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
deedra
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Member # 27881

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wow, powerful words. thanks a lot! I just found this site and you all have been so helpful! You guys are awesome!!
Posts: 10 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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