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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Having feels for 2 different people

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Author Topic: Having feels for 2 different people
rockett
Neophyte
Member # 20001

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How do you deal with having strong feelings for 2 people. But when you know you can only have one of them..(duh)

I'm with one of them, I thought I was over the other guy but I just can't get over him. And if I were to break up with the guy i'm with for the other guy I know i'd just end up wanting my ex back.. there has to be something to do about this. PLEASE!! I seriously dont know what to do. I was going to give you guys the real story.. but it'd be a novel. So I REALLY summarized it.

Please.. i'm a mess trying to figure things out like this on my own, I need your guys' opinion and advice.

Posts: 22 | From: california | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitka
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

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Why do you think you can't get over your ex?

Figure that out first. You should think about which one of these guys is treating you the best. Which one of them has proven themselves to be a good friend, besides being a boyfriend?
You should never settle for less in relationships.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lotesseflower
Neophyte
Member # 27312

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Some people do have open or polyamorous relationships. They are partnered with multiple people at once. It can work for some people, but it can also be very emotionally difficult, due to rising doubts and jealousy. Probably not a very good idea in this case.

You're going to have to choose, and I waould say base that choice on compatibility rather than attraction--it sounds like you're attracted to both of them. [Smile]

I've had a long-standing attraction to one of my childhood friends. I had a massive crush on him when we were fourteen, but he was oblivious. but then a few years ago he started coming on to me. I'm still very much into him, but I have a long-term boyfriend. I would never consider leaving my bf for my friend, because while my boyfriend cares for every part of me, my friend and I have some major political and ethical disagreements. If I'm honest with myself I'm probably equally attracted to both of them, but with one I'm happy and things would get uncomfortable with the other.

Best luck!

Posts: 31 | From: Illinois | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Irm
Activist
Member # 27418

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Anti-romantic as it seems: choosing to be in a committed relationship with someone doesn't magically make all of your other feelings and attractions go away. You can't change your biology, and you can't make a conscious choice to make inconvenient emotions simply dissapear. (If we could, then why would we need therapists, eh?) A relationship is exactly that: a conscious choice. It isn't soley based on emotion and physical attraction, but on an intelligent realization of what you want out of a relationship. (For example, if what you wanted was a life partner to marry and have kids with, you probably wouldn't get into the groove with someone who is going to insist on a religion for your children that goes against your own.)

You can't wave a wand and be freed from your feelings for your ex. But I bet there's also probably a reason why he IS an "ex" and why your current partner is "current".

Posts: 213 | From: Private | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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