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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » save a relationship - worth it?

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Author Topic: save a relationship - worth it?
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

Icon 5 posted      Profile for kitka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry for the length of this post.
I just want to put it all on the table.

In the last four days (since my boyfriend said he wanted to take a break), I felt like I was moving on really well.

Today, I got an email out of the blue from my ex-boyfriend who left me without any warning last Janauary, because I was not the perfect woman for him. (He said this to me.) I was very upset for a few months - it was my first romantic interaction with any guy.

The ex and I haven't had any contact since we broke up, besides saying hi if we meet on campus.

In this email, he called me by his pet name for me and asked how I was doing.

It pissed me off.
I shouldn't have, but I called my current guy, and told him that I was frustrated and wanted to talk to him. I told him that my ex's email had created sudden suspicious feelings in me, suspicion toward men in general, like I used to have.

I feel that if we can keep our relationship going, I will be less prone to suspicion/resentment. I also know that this kind of thinking is illogical.
Does that make any sense?

My guy told me tonight that he wants us to get back together when his life calms down, whether it's in a month or two.

I have a feeling that we can maintain our relationship, even if we have to sacrifice and see each other less often than before. I'm like a cactus. I can thrive on a little.

I would rather us see each other a couple times a month, than take a complete break.
The first option would definitely make me happier. I don't know if my boyfriend can work around it. We plan to discuss it tomorrow.

There is no guarantee to any of this, since he may have to leave NY in May and go to PA to finish school. At this point, it could go either way.

I don't want this to tank. Our relationship was good and it made me and him happy.

But my parents, and my counselor/therapist have told me I should move on. Based on their gut feelings, they think that I'll be better off without him. They know that our relationship has been great up until this point.

There are two issues at stake as far as his troubles. First, he said he wanted to take a break instead of committing to me in a tough time. Second, his relationship with his mother is rocky. For my therapist, the second is the deal breaker.

For me, the first makes me somewhat worried about his ability to have a good relationship in the first place. By keeping it together, I realize that I am trying to "save" not only my bf, but more importantly, my image of him.

If he and I can maintain our relationship, would it be worth it, if it facilitated us restoring our relationship later on?

It would not be long term - he graduates in December, and we are going in different directions then.

I don't know why I can't give up on him.
I don't know what to do.

I realize no one can tell me what's right for me. I know you can't force a relationship. I just want it to work out. I feel that if we don't try, then I'm quitting on it, and I hate to quit. In itself, part of me feels like that expectation is unreasonable.

Should I try? Or just let it go?

[This message has been edited by kitka (edited 03-01-2006).]

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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You're in a difficult spot, it seems to me. I'm not a pro at relationships, but a few things do stand out to me. First, I'm a little confused as to how taking a break helps him with his problems? I really don't mean to de-value his feelings or yours, but I know that when I'm dealing with stress or bad situations, I usually want to see more of me significant other, you know? Sort of like leaning on your good friends when times are rough. Has he explained how spending less time with you helps him? How do you feel about seeing him less?

Secondly, I'd say your feelings about your ex's email are pretty well-founded, regardless of the situation with your current boyfriend. I mean, it is pretty weird to go from just casually saying hi to you on campus once in awhile to, as you described, calling you by your old pet name and such. That would certainly piss me off, current guy or no!

Lastly, how much do you value the opinion of your parents and therapist? Do you feel that what they say may be partly true? In this same paragraph, you said that he didn't want to commit to you during rough times. Does that mean he can just decide when he does and does not want to be committed to you? Supposedly, therapists are suspicious of young men who don't get along with their mothers, because it may display problems dealing with women. I have no idea whatsoever whether that is founded or not.

You're right, hun.. nobody here can tell you what to do, we can just give you input. One final note is that I feel sometimes we just have to leave situations or tasks that are too much for us. You should never feel ashamed of "quitting" an activity, or in this case, a relationship, that you feel you aren't ready for, or that is not heading in the right direction.

Just my two cents worth. I wish you luck in sorting this out!

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22679

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People can be emotionally aloof towards each other. My ex and I were such people. We talked, yes, but never really shared any rantings about life or anything with each other. I did it as to not burden her. It was a short lived relationship though.

To the main point: Where do YOU see this relationship going? Are you staying in this relationship for security reasons? You have to honestly evaluate your relationship and see if you want to continue it.

Another question you should ask yourself is "How has my boyfriend acted under stress at different times?"

Posts: 86 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

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I see your point, though I wouldn't call us emotionally aloof. We've always been close emotionally, him more expressive than me.

He's handled stress well before, but the current situation is overwhelming him at the expense of our relationship. I'm not staying in it for my own security; I've started thinking of myself as single again. I'm staying in it because
leaving him now would be, to say the least, unkind.

As of a couple weeks ago, when we had the aforementioned argument, I got the feeling that he was looking elsewhere for a relationship.
He insisted that he's not... who knows?
I'm trying not to let my natural suspicion of guys/people in general get to me, especially because I think my suspicion upset him in the first place.

[ 03-13-2006, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: kitka ]

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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