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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to break the news.....

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Author Topic: How to break the news.....
Member # 27063

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I have a bf of a year and a half, and we have been talking a lot about being sexually active. I have been on the pill since june of last year, and we have done lots of talking about responsibility etc.

My one question is: how do I tell my mom this? I'm afraid that if I tell her she won't want my boyfriend to come over any more, or let me go over to where he lives (its a long distance thing 4 months out of the year) What should I do? Should I say anything at all?

PLEASE give me some advice!

Posts: 72 | From: N.E | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27418

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You probably have the MOST information here to answer your own question, since you know your mother, and you know what your relationship with your mother is like. It's not like you have an obligation to tell her, but if you think that she could be understanding and reasonable with you about it, then it will relieve a lot of anxiety not to have to "hide" an important aspect of your personal life from someone you love.

Take into consideration how your mother has reacted to things in the past, your mother's values and their priority, and how much maturity she gives you leeway for. For example, if you KNOW that your mother is the sort of person who would act in a way that is unreasonable/radical, such as suddenly forcing you to cut off all connections with boys, or calling up your boyfriend's family and causing drama, or berating you for your decision, et cetera, then it might be a better idea to leave it out--at least for now. Again, it's not like you have an obligation to tell her, and it might be good to figure out exactly where you and your boyfriend stand on the whole thing in a definate sense--you might start, but realize you're not ready.

If you do decide to tell her, be mature about it and talk to her as an adult. Let her know that you and your boyfriend are taking all of the necessary precautions, that it is a mutual and educated decision, etc. Or, you might just sort of "drop" notions not related to yourself to see how your mother reacts--that's sometimes a good idea to get a person's opinion without putting yourself in the line of fire. For example, "Wow, I read that such and such percent of girls my age have already lost their virginities. What do you think about that?" Obviously, if she responds with rage and indignity, then you know you'd probably be treading on too tender a ground.

PS: The obligatory you-know-that-the-pill-won't-protect-you-from-STIs-right?

~Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup

Posts: 213 | From: Private | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27063

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Yes, we would use condoms too.

See the exact problem is that I want to tell her, but I'm not sure how she will react. We've already done some talking about it and I can't guage how she would react to the situation personally.

I feel like she is the type of person who wouldn't like it happening in her house, but I also know that she would be hurt if I didn't tell her. She has a tendency to make me feel guilty sometimes, but I really don't want to lie to her either... any help you could suggest would be great.

Posts: 72 | From: N.E | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 22756

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sportchick - my parents do the guilt trips too, so I know where you're coming from.

When me and my guy did it, I waited a week to tell my mom. I was so nervous that she would flip.

I told her and she actually started crying a little, she was so happy for me. So you never know how she might react.

Your mom would probably be less stressed if she knew that your bf was mature enough to
a. agree immediately to bc and condoms, every time
b. respect my decision to not have sex until I was ready

Why not tell her, "Look, these are 2 decisions we've made. What do you think?"
and then let her bring up sex.

Figure out whether her reactions to sex-talks in general are good. Then decide whether you want to spring this on her before or after you do the deed.

What do you mean, "wouldn't like it happening in her house"?
Do you mean, wouldn't like you actually having sex in her house?
Or wouldn't like the thought of her daughter having sex wherever?

I've seen a couple of your previous posts re: bc. If you want to put your mind at ease, why not try waking up at 6 am on Sunday, take the pill, and go back to sleep?
That's what I do... works for me at least.

re: condoms, you'll find this advice on the boards elsewhere - if you've both swapped recent test results, and have been monogamous for at least a year, you should be fine to use just the pill. if you want to use condoms too, you can do that.

i know a few people, including myself, who have kind of a hang up about the "psychological" reassurance of condoms. i.e. you can see that you're protected, so it makes you worry a little less.

weird, i know. just a thought, since it sounds like you might not be confident enough to go condom free yet.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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