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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not compatible?

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Author Topic: Not compatible?
Barkingkiwi
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Member # 27727

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Hello, I joined these forums because I have no where else to ask my questions, and this seems like a safe and extremely friendly environment where I might be able to get some straight-forward answers.

Here's a bit about my situation. I'm an 18 year old male. My last relationship before my current one ended about 8 months ago. We had been dating for a year and a half, we were both head-over-heels in love, but the relationship stopped working and we both acknowledged that. We remain extremely close friends to this day. One of the biggest things we had going for eachother was extreme sexual compatibility. We both had a lot of "firsts" with eachother, going into the relationship with only having been kissed. Within 6 or 7 months, we had reached a comfortable level of sexuality, which included everything besides intercourse. We were very open with our sexuality and had a lot of fun together, and both shared similar drives and desires. Now I feel I've taken a step down.

I am now in a new relationship, and have been for about 2 and a half months. This relationship is extremely emotionaly heavy, and we moved extremely quickly from when we first met eachother. Everything in the relationship is absolutely perfect and we're basically infatuated with eachother, except for one aspect: I don't find us sexually compatible. What does this mean? Before we really started the relationship, we were both very open with our views and opinions on many issues, including sex. When we had spoke about it, we appeared to have the same views and compatibility. She told me she had done every except intercourse and was comfortable where she was sexually. We have been sexually active for about one and a half months now, and I'm often left frustrated and unresolved. My biggest problem is her inability to "finish" me. About 75% of the time, I either have her stop because I know it's going nowhere or she has to stop herself because of lack of endurance. My second problem is her supposed views on oral sex. She had told me that her and her previous partner had oral sex regularly, but in a recent conversation she told me she would "never do it again, ever." Her only explanation was because it's "gross." I normally would not have a problem with that, but I feel extremely uncomfortable knowing she had no problem doing it with her ex, and she refuses to do it with me.

I don't know how to approach her with these issues. I've already talked to her and told her it didn't seem fair to me that she expected me to "finish" her while I didn't get a happy ending. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. I tried sucking it up and living with the fact, because I didn't want it to affect our relationship, but unfortunately, I can't help it. It's leaking into other parts of our relationship, and when I go "unfinished," I have an uncontrolable sexual urge for the rest of the day which dominates my mind.

How do I tell her that I simply cannot be "left hanging?" And how do I tell her that I'm uncomfortable about her unwillingness to go as far with me as her ex?

I never thought that the sexual side of a relationship would matter this much, but it's surprising how it can. Please know that I would never force her to do something she didn't want to, and that I'd never base the continuation of our relationship on her willingness, but I'm going crazy.

Please help!

[This message has been edited by Barkingkiwi (edited 02-28-2006).]


Posts: 4 | From: Raleigh, NC | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, first things first.

This may sound obvious, but it seems like it isn't: you can ALWAYS "finish" your self via masturbation. Whether or not you reach orgasm isn't up to her in that regard. So if you want to, easy-peasy.

But the question will still remain as to whether you always want to masturbate to reach orgasm or not. And there's nothing wrong with that question. There's also nothing wrong with not continuing a relationship with someone if you find out you're sexually incompatible.

You've tried communication here, and it doesn't seem to be working. And it seems like for whatever reason, there's a not-quite-right sexual dynamic between you that is unexplained. It is, I agree, a bit strange to say one enjoyed a sexual activity with one partner, but then found it "gross" with the next (though I don't know how long she was with her ex: it may simply take her a longer time than this to become comfortable in some regard). And that language isn't especially kind, either.

I don't suggest you tell her you can't be "left hanging," because again, you don't have to be. If you choose not to masturbate to orgasm, that's your choice.

Rather, what I'd suggest is being as kind and frank as you can, saying that the dynamic of the sex you're having isn't working for you, and strikes you as imbalanced, and here is why -- then explain why. You can just say you'd like to orgasm with her, and try incorporating masturbation or mutual masturbation. You can assure her of your care for her and of your strong desire she not do anything she doesn't want to, as well.

After that, the ball (as it were) is really in her court per how she responds and how the conversation evolves. But if it doesn't, if she's totally unresponsive to your feelings, then the hard truth may simply be that this just isn't a good sexual partner for you (or anyone).

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Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
I have come to learn that that which is most important to me must be spoken. - Audre Lorde


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Barkingkiwi
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Member # 27727

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I may have been unclear regarding a couple things in my post. I forgot to to mention masturbation. I don't masturbate much any more (and realize that's my choice), and while I have relieved the sexual build up myself a couple times, it still leaves an emotional feeling of one-sidedness that plagues me for the day. When I asked her how she felt about me masturbating, she told me she didn't like the idea at all (maybe I should direct her to your site ;-)). Also, we're not always in a situation where it would be proper or easy to finish through masturbation before moving on. And while it may seem greedy or somewhat rash, isn't it unfair that I would have to finish through masturbation while she wouldn't? So, while I understand it's still my choice whether to finish through masturbation or not, there are also other factors that come into play.

After reading your post and thinking about the situation, it seems that I may just have a stubborn sexual partner. I will brace myself and approach her using your suggestion, and hope for the best. I'll let you know how it turns out.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, as I hope came through before NO sexual preference is "unfair," unless it forces a partner to do something he or she does not want to do.

Masturbation isn't, overall, anything "lesser" than any other sexual activity, nor a concession. Lots of people, for instance, find masturbating together incredibly intimate.

What I hear you saying, though, is that, emotionally, orgasm during intercourse is important to you. Again, that's not greedy: it's something you like which makes you feel good. Okay. So, you say that it is -- and you two take the discussion from there.

I'm not sure what a "stubborn sexual partner" means, so I'm not sure what conclusions you're drawing from that exactly.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Barkingkiwi
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Member # 27727

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Thank you very much for your advice and input. I'm really pleased that there's somewhere I can go to get real advice in such a personal and efficient manner. Awesome job with the forums :-)

I would just like to clarify that my conclusion considering her a "stubborn sexual partner" was worded very poorly and can be dismissed.

The only problem I can foresee with my dilemma is her closedness regarding different forms of intimate sexual activities. While I'd be more than willing to try masturbating together or anything else really, she might not be comfortable with that. If that's the case, I may just introduce her to Scarleteen.com and let her read some articles regarding the different issues. But I will hope for the best.

I'll try bringing up the discussion this afternoon and let you know how it ends up.


Posts: 4 | From: Raleigh, NC | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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