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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » unfair situation

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Author Topic: unfair situation
Member # 27676

Icon 9 posted      Profile for leetos     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
well, i thought it would be sort of easy to just ask the opinion of a bunch of people who don't know me what was their take on this situation...
i am 20 years old and live in the caribbean (it's where i am from as well).there is this guy i like very much and he likes me very much as well...we have known each other for almost four years, however, we are not in,nor have we been in the whole gf/bf situation. why? not that we don't want to be (we very much do) but my father will not allow it. he does not even like to hear the guy's name at all and it makes me very sad.

there is no reason for him not to like him-he's great in every way and i know that is not at all a clouded judgement because my mother loves him, my friends think he is decent as well and so does my older brother...

it makes me really sad because i don't know if it is because my father is afraid that i will sleep with him (i have spoken to my father toooo many times about whole situation. i have literally given up). if it is this,then that's not fair because i do not at all believe in being physical with anyone outside of marriage (physical meaning in every aspect u can think of except kissing and hugging).

what makes me sad, is the fact that my brother recently got married...he lived with his fiancée before they did and that made me really upset as i really do not support sex outside of marriage and the fact that my father acts like it's not a big deal,yet he does not even want to hear my guy's name. is something not very wrong with that?

it makes me feel like he does not trust me or does not want me to be happy..i mean,the guy is a virgin as well and supports the idea of waiting as well...i really don't get it. if there are in particular any parents out there who read this,please try to explain his rationale to me as i have yet to understand it.

i only went out with the guy once in the four years ihave known him. i know it's not necessary to be in this sort of relationship,but i've nevr had a bf in my life and this guy is really special to me and i do think i am ready.

before my father said i can't have a bf until i finish school. i took this to mean secondary school but i am in my second year of university now and the rule is still there. it is unfair that not only am i being treated like a child,but he treats my brother like he is totally invincible...

my guy will be going to another country in a few months to continue his studies (university) so i guess after these few months that's it (even though he talks of the whole marriage thing and all that)and i wanna make the most of our little time left being in the same country.

anyway,this is the end of my really long post...thanks for taking the time to read it and i look forward to your replies..

Posts: 2 | From: trinidad,w.i | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

Icon 10 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I can say that I'm a little taken aback by your situation! It's usually younger girls who say that their parents disapprove of dating. Seeing as to how you're 20 years old now, I think that you are capable of making decisions for yourself. However, your family seems to me to have strong values regarding physical activities prior to marriage, your father nonetheless. Remember that he is a man himself, and knows how men think, and may still feel the need to protect you from what men can do, even at your age.

Is there any reasoning with him at all? Can you get your mother to talk with your dad, or help you arrange a dinner with the guy over?

Further, and I hate to go this direction, what exactly is stopping you from dating this guy, unless your dad controls when you go out? There are plenty of things to do that are fun and wholesome to enjoy together, and your parents wouldn't need to know. Am I right?

Hope this has helped at least a little, and good luck ^^.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 10 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Do recognize, Miss Lauren, that this poster is in Trinidad, not the U.S. In situations like this, cultural differences can make for a radically different situation.)

Leetos, absolutely your father is employing a double-standard with you; making rules for you that are not the same rules he has for his son. Unfortunately, that's pretty common, especially for more "traditional" families.
Can I ask where your mother or another female relative is in all this: do you have anyone else in your family who can advocate for you, perhaps help to examine this double-standard and be heard better than you're being heard right now?

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27676

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hey,thanks for replying. miss lauren, i would not really say it's my family who has the strong traditional values. remember my father sees no big deal with it-once it's not me. and as for the dinner inviting the guy over, that's kind of funny to me (as in in funny haha). good suggestion,but i know that will never work. we all did go to lunch once and i had to beg for hours for that and he gave in grudgingly. as for going out with the guy without my father knowing,that's not exactly a possibility. i share everyhing with my parents so hiding something, especially something like that is not something i would really do. i also am not about to just walk out of my house and say 'bye guys, see you later' and they have no idea of where i am going and with whom.

thanks miz scarlet for recognising the cultural difference thing, but i think in a case like this it's actually not so much culture countrywise, but genderwise. as you said,there is the totally unecessary double standard that i completely despise. female relative- i have my mother. my parents are very much married to each other so we are all in the same house and i think my daddy is very much a 'macho man' kind of thing in that he does not like to listen to other ppl. as funny as it may sound, i have more influence on him (probably cos of the fact that i do have some his genes and therefore share and understand some of his personality).my mother alaways praises my guy in front of him but he just gets annoyed hearing his brother has tried to tlak to him as well,it has not worked.he still insists when i finish my education(which could be when?? when i'm like 26 as i intend to pursue two masters and hopefully a phd or something? )

the thing is, i am hoping to go to france in a few months to live for a few months and i have already asked him what he would think if i found someone there (this i will definitely be taking advantage of if possible!) and he does not seem to make a big deal of it.

even in the gender double standard, there is a deeper bias as well. the guy that i like lives in an area that has the highest crime rate in the country. thing is, my guy is totally not at all like the majority of ppl in his area, he stays far away from them and is pursuing a promising future. when i first told my father i liked him (note-i did not say that he liked me) my father totally had a fit, basically saying that if i had to choose someone,i could do better than him. however, my guy did not put himself in that situation but i know he is working hard to get himself out. i always ask my father why he is like that because if he compared how he was at 20 to my guy at 20, my guy has achieved soooo much more and i think he is to be greatly admired...

so,i do not at all like the girl my brother married for this and other reasons(like the fact that i miss my bro he lives in england and i just see her as having taken him away from me, and she's a total girly girl which i find annoying) and then my father is always standing up for her which annoys me further...

oh well, i guess enough ranting for now. it's hard for me not to rant about this because it makes me really sad to know that my father does not see that this guy makes me happy and that he is a positive influence/force in anyone's life.

Posts: 2 | From: trinidad,w.i | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, strong gender-based double standards, and macho-Dad behaviour does tend to be pretty well perpetuated and enforced in Caribbean culture. In lots of others too, but one does see it a lot there.

So, given your extra information, sounds like you;re dealing with both a gender bias applied to you, and a class bias applied to your boyfriend. That's a truly tough combination to grapple with: of course you're frustrated.

The best I can suggest right now is to brainstorm with your Mom and see if you two can't come up with any creative ideas to address this.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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