hi, i asked a girl out a few days ago and she accepted; in fact she took the initiative to give me her cell phone number and saved mine too ....i called her a couple of days later, so we could go out but she didnīt answer to any of my calls (i called her 4 times)and i think she even rejected one them. she also didnīt phone me back. i havenīt seen her since, so i havenīt talked to her yet. what should i make of this? i donīt understand, since i think sheīd made it quite clear she wanted to go out with me, but then simply ignored me......what do you think? what should i do, considering this is someone i like quite a lot...should i ask her about it? should i ask her out again or do you think sheīs just not into me?.... as always i thank your posts.
[This message has been edited by jakimboor (edited 02-25-2006).]
I don't know. Maybe she's busy. Maybe her phone was stolen. Maybe she's not interested. But four calls in a couple days to someone new? That would creep me out a bit. I say: she knows you're interested, let her decide whether she wants to pick up contact. If she doesn't get in touch with you, too bad, but that's life.
jakimboor, I know you mean well and have a lot of strong feelings for girls. And I don't this in a mean way, very much rooting for you actually: I would really look at your technique for approaching them. Because, from your posting history, it seems that you come on a little too aggressively to these girls, which basically scares them away. Showing you're interested = good; coming across as desperate or stalkerish = scary and bad.
So in the future, I'd recommend absolutely making the first step if you're interested, but then waiting for them to take the initiative next. I.e. maybe trying once again by calling them a week later if they haven't replied to a previous call, but to then leave it at that and certainly not bombard them with a lot calls so fast, so soon.
[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 02-25-2006).]
i donīt really agree with you Ecofem, i think that sort of approach (judging someone as a "stalker" or as "desperate") is precisely what ****s up relationships between men and women so badly, particularly around here, where approaching girls has to be done so stupidly softly that it just ends up in stagnation.
Posts: 55 | From: South America | Registered: Jan 2005
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Speaking as a female who has actually had a couple of guys do this to me (the 4 or 5 calls in a couple of days thing), let me just say that it really does come across as a little creepy. Heck, if anyone I'd just met called me that much, whether it was to pursue a possible romantic relationship or just a platonic friendship, I'd be a little freaked out.
Approaching a girl does not have to be done "stupidly softly" - but just approach her as you would want someone to approach you. Think about it. If someone you'd just met called YOU four times in a couple of days, what would your reaction be? I know it's not the response you're looking for, but this kind of behaviour really does come across as a bit desperate and more than a little unpleasant.
I didn't judge you as "stalkerish"; I said that such behavior often rubs people in the wrong way, giving them the wrong impression of you. As karybu agreed, doing such things does give a not-so-great impression.
You post on the Scarleteen Boards: We're going to give our opinion or advice, which you may or may not agree with, but it's your choice to heed or not, and to continue posting or not. If you truly don't like what we're telling you, why are you coming back? As for "stupid stagnation"? Really, we aren't doing the actual asking for you, so I think it's pretty silly to blame us for this.
ok, so i called her four times...why? because weīd agreed we would go out to a specific thing taking place on that friday.remember: it was HER who gave me her phone number without me asking for it...it was HER who saved mine of her own initiative. i called her twice, then some time later (about 40 mins later) called her twice. ecofem, i think you are coming on quite agressively towards me....reviewing my posting history as if to back up your theories is a rather excessive action and i feel makes for biased replies. donīt be so judgemental on me, you donīt know me and canīt say most of the things youīre saying so slightly. you didnīt even really answer to the questions i posed but rather dismissed my actions, (without accuracy),by indirectly calling them stalker-like. grazie
[This message has been edited by jakimboor (edited 02-26-2006).]
One of the things we like to stress on Scarleteen (as far as relationships go) is taking things slowly. Sometimes, people get really excited about possible relationships, and jump into them. That can cause problems. I myself have done it, many times. It's a learning process, is all.
So, when you meet someone new, it is, for the comfort of both people involved, a good idea to take it slowly. That way, one person doesn't come across as too aggressive, and the other isn't overwhelmed by the moves made on them.
So, here's what I think happened: you got excited, she got excited, numbers were exchanged, and things went downhill from there. It may be nothing, it may be something. She very well could have misplaced her phone; she very well could be a little overwhelmed with the attention you've given her. You can't know for sure until you see/talk to her again.
It is hard to communicate emotions online, so there may have been some misunderstandings here. As moderators, we are inclined to give respectful and helpful answers to the users who post. Ecofem wasn't trying to offend, just point out a possibility for error in the way you go about relationships. Listing the posts you've made was simply a way of showing you the pattern. So, just as we are inclined to give respectful answers, so are you. So I'm going to ask that if you do not like the answer you got back, or have a problem with a moderator, either A)do not use what information the mod gave you, or B) send us an email. There is a Contact Us button (in bold) at the bottom of the screen if you at any point wish to do this. But don't badmouth the replyer on the boards. We don't tolerate this, as the volunteers are chosen and expected to act decently. If we feel a moderator is out of line, we let them know. But in this case, neither Ecofem or karybu was out of line.
Nobody wants to attack you. Really. We want to help. That is why we are here. If you do not feel that the information you get is useful, than do not post here. We can't help if you do not take the info we give you. It is your choice to do this. But if you decide not to use it, than do not get upset if you don't get the answers you may have wanted. Each mod/user is their own person, and will have differing opinions, some that you may not share.
To address your original question:
It is very possible that this girl feel overwhelmed. It is also very possible that she had an electronic malfunction So just relax and give her space and time. A relationship can be very daunting for some people, and they prefer to take it slow. Not everyone will have the confidence you do in starting relationships. Even if she showed confidence before, she may be having second thoughts, or have concerns. Just give her a some time. If she does not respond, you may gently get ahold of her and ask her how she's feeling. There are many more reasons for not getting back to someone than not liking them. We don't know what the reason is for sure, so it is not fair to the other person to make an immediate judgement. (Ex: true story. A good friend of mine started going out with a girl he met at an Amnesty International conference a few weeks ago. They usually talk quite a bit, but recently she didn't reply to his emails (they live a ways apart). After a few days, he freaked out and thought she might not like him anymore. Turns out her father was hospitalized after a car accident, and she had been staying at the hospital w/ her mother. If this happened to me, I wouldn't be thinking about anything other than my family, would you?)
Looking at your post history, I'd suggest that better managing your expectations might help you be less frustrated.
In a word, expect less. When you give someone a call, let them call you back. If they don't in a week, try maybe one other call. If they don't call back after that, let it go, and during that time, figure nothing is in the bag, keep from getting too attached to possibility. Really, that isn't approaching "softly," that's just basic etiquette, with possible romances just as much as with friends or family. An extra hint: someone who calls back again and again (especially in one day) without giving you a chance to call back often makes one want to call back less and less, because it tends to come off as just too needy or demanding; because it can give the impression you don't have a life of your own. It's entirely possible this is what happened here.
It might help to figure it this way: you likely have more possibilities in your life of actual connection, mutual connection, than you think. Feeling confident in that might help rub off some of the immediate-gratification vibe I suspect you could be putting out there.
Generally, relationships take more time to develop than most people would like, especially if one is lonely or really in want of a regular partner. But, you've got to let things breathe and percolate: in many ways, anticipation is a far greater thing to feel when it comes to this stuff than immediacy.
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