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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Emotionally/Mentally Abusive?

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Author Topic: Emotionally/Mentally Abusive?
FadingEndlessly
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Member # 18674

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Hi,
I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half plus. When the two of us were in high school, I would say we had a pretty strong relationship... We infrequently saw each other because of the restraints his mother put on him... and also because he took his work very seriously and wouldn't come out to see me during the week on a regular basis.

For both of us, it was our first relationship. So of course we had rough times, and sometimes I was a little clingy, and sometimes he was too distant... But we always made it through.

The thing always was that I always felt as if I was "the girlfriend of convenience." I mean, for example, on Valentine's day, he had a Mock Trial meeting at his school and couldn't make it to see me. It always seemed as if all of his other obligations came before me. I guess back than it wasn't as big of a deal, but now it is.

So we go to college together and we see each other every day. Which, perhaps is the problem... But it doesn't seem as if he really treats me as if I'm the girlfriend anymore...

Yesterday I was sick and we were at a Hockey Game, and I threw up and he brought me home to my dorm. He stayed till I got dressed and washed up, and then he went back to the game. That just seemed ridiculous to me.

Sometimes I get upset at things. For example, if he's supposed to come over and he doesn't, I ask him to call me to let me know, and he refuses to because he doesn't think he should have to... But my argument is that if it's going to make me happy if he just does it, shouldn't that be enough for him?

It just seems as if he's not willing to put his life aside to be there for me. There have been times where I've needed him and he hasn't been able to drop what he's doing for me. I mean, sometimes I realize my expectations can be remarkably high... But other times I feel like he can try just a little harder.

Am I being too demanding? Or is boyfriend just not stepping up to the plate? Because I really do love the guy... Maybe we should see less of each other? Maybe every day is too overwhelming? He said he didn't have time to miss me... I guess that goes for me too, but I really enjoy seeing him every day.

He also gets incredibly defensive... For example, if I tell him I am upset about something he'll turn it around and somehow put the blame on me. And if I am upset and he doesn't think he's to blame, he won't apologize even if it will make me happy.

I don't know. It just seems like he doesn't really care. Or he does care, but he cares about himself first and foremost. Is that how it usually is?

I mean, I realize that yourself should be the most important thing to you... but really, at least once in awhile I'd like to feel like I am of the greatest importance.

I just feel like there needs to be a greater balance, I guess... I don't know how to enforce this. Talking to him never gets me anywhere....

Oh yeah, and he said that he doesn't need me to be happy. Is that normal? I don't know... I mean, I shouldn't need a boyfriend to be happy, and I shouldn't need to be with him to be happy, but let's face it, if we broke up I wouldn't be happy.

I don't know... I just feel this huge strain on our relationship. Is it me? Is it him? Is it both? I'm feeling not so good about it, and I don't want to break up with him but I feel like it's coming down to that being the only option.

I just want to feel like I matter. I think that's what it comes down to.

Thanks for all your help.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hi FadingEndlessly,

I don't think your "demands" are too high or extraordinary. People want different things from relationships: your boyfriend seems to want a more informal relationship (or even friendship.)

While it's important for people to follow their own interests, they also should have agreed on how to treat the relationship, especially in the long-term. He doesn't seem to be giving you want you want. I agree that breaking up is the thing to do. It's going to hurt, but not as much as staying in this not totally reciprocial relationship would. Actually, I think you'll be much happier in the long-run.

I suggest you really getting involved with classes, friends and campus activities. Spend time doing what you like with the people you like. And eventually if someone else comes along, that's cool: just try to make sure he's meeting your needs and wants.


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VeraLynn
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Hmmm..
I think some of what you're asking for seems a tad bit too demanding. Upset that he isn't apologising for things that actually aren't his fault? Upset that he wont put everything aside for you?
Don't get me wrong, by no means do I believe it's all you. It sounds like in alot of aspects he really is just being a bad boyfriend, and should give you more attention.
I guess I mean that you're both contributing to the problems, so you'd both have to change the way you're currently doing things to fix this.
You said talking with him gets you no where, but I really can't think of another way. Just tell him how you feel, but don't push it on him; you don't want to sound too clingy and scare him away.
Anyways, goodluck. I hope everything works out for you. C:

Posts: 1 | From: Canada. | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by VeraLynn:
I guess I mean that you're both contributing to the problems, so you'd both have to change the way you're currently doing things to fix this.
Thing is, she has never really gotten what she's wanted to out of the relationship, re: "I always felt as if I was 'the girlfriend of convenience.'" That it's a bad matching that has gone on too long anyhow, often the case for many first relationships: Rather than trying to "fix" what never really felt right, I'd focus on enjoying being single. And looking for more compatiblity in terms of future partners.

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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