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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » an unfortunately common dilemma (long read)

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Author Topic: an unfortunately common dilemma (long read)
Member # 27578

Icon 10 posted      Profile for yevsey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
First of all, thank you for such a lovely and informative website.

One thing that bothers me, as silly as it may sound, is how my situation mirrors that of so many other teenagers. I also feel a little strange about talking anonymously to strangers about my situation, but I think that every other person I've turned to for advice (my mother, my friends, et cetera) has been too involved to really offer good advice. Hopefully I can find that advice here.

I suppose I should start with a little background. I'm 16, a junior in high school (oh, what a tumultous age), and generally well-liked. I have a bit of a self-esteem problem, but no more than the average person my age. I've been in a few psudeo relationships up to this point - you know, strictly four-week sorts of things, which usually end in a platonic friendship. I'm generally pretty shy, and rather awkward, so I have a hard time approaching girls, at least as more than friends.

I started the new year in a new orchestra that has members from both the high schools in my town together, so I had a chance to meet new people and hopefully make some new friends. One girl in particular stood out, and I began spending time with her as much as I could. I noticed things, as well, like how when we sat on the couch together during break, she would inch as close as she could to me without touching me. We eventually went out trick-or-treating with some of our mutual friends, and she held my hand. I'm sure this all sounds terribly silly to you, but it was outstanding. I worked up the guts to ask her to do something, and then finally, to ask her out, and I was so happy when she said that she'd love to go out with me.

Okay, so, fast forward a bit. We've been going out for three months now. Along the way, I've made some blunders, but we've gotten through them. I've never felt this way before about anyone, and as trite and silly as it sounds, I think I love her. This is why it's so troubling to me when I start to realize things about her.

I've realized that she can be self-centered. She doesn't realize that what she does hurts me. One example is her failure to recognize that I needed her to be with me during a tough audition. Another example, and the reason why I'm writing this post, happened just yesterday.

We've just started a vacation from school, and I called her to see if we could do anything this weekend. I asked about Friday, and she says 'Well, I have a lot of stuff to do, practice viola, clean my room, etc.' I'm fine with that, and ask her about Saturday, and we agree to do something. I'm, of course, happy, and start planning with my parents.

All is well and good until the next day (Friday), when she gives me a call. We talk for a while, and then she mentions that shes going to a party with some of her friends that night. I'm surprised, as I thought she couldn't do anything, but I move on. She then tells me she can't do anything on Saturday, either, because she's spending time with another one of her friends. Now, I'm upset. I don't say anything, because I don't want to ruin her night, but she can tell.

After the party, more specifically, this morning, I tell her how upset I am that she just seems to take me for granted. It's not that I mind her doing things with her friends apart from me. That's fine. What really bothers me is that her plans with me don't seem to mean anything.

We basically had a long, drawn out telephone call in which we were both a little (in my case, a lot) upset and confused. I care for her deeply, and that makes her uncomfortable. She thinks (and I suppose I believe) that we both want different things out of our relationship. She still maintains that we should go out, however. I still do want to go out with her. The times I've spent with her are amazing, and beyond. She's one of the most important people in my life. I think that we both have a strange connection to each other, with all the little things we have in common. She's even said as much. It's just that my emotions are so muddled and confusing, that I really don't know what to do.

It doesn't help that we've sort of progressed beyond making out on the couch. I've performed oral sex on her twice, now, and we both enjoy ourselves immensely. The pleasure that I can bring her makes it all worth while. It's confusing, however. It sort of feels to me that she wants to have a connection with me, and that she does, by letting me inside her. I hope that makes sense. This is the way I feel, but she seems to see it as little more than something fun that feels good.

After all that, she says that she wants to stay in a relationship with me, but not be as serious as I want to.

Am I right in feeling the way I do? Am I being possessive? Overly sensitive? Please help!

So, there is my long and most likely confusing rant. I would appreciate any words of wisdom. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.

[This message has been edited by yevsey (edited 02-18-2006).]

[This message has been edited by yevsey (edited 02-18-2006).]

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17971

Icon 10 posted      Profile for faifai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The thing is, if you two do have different takes on what you want in a relationship, you can either learn to meet halfway or end it.

  • She wants a less-serious relationship--I don't know how she defines "less serious."
  • You want a more serious relationship. I'm assuming you want to be exclusive with her--I don't know what else you mean by "more serious."
  • You think she can be self-centered.
  • She has blown off plans with you to go do something else, and this hurts you and wastes some of your time, as you have to plan with your parents ahead of time to go do anything.
  • You're not sure what sex means to each of you--to you it appears to be more emotional than it does to her.

By starting with some of the other things, we can get to the bottom of this a bit faster.

First off, all people can be self-centered in one way or another. Being a bit ignorant of what other people want because that other person didn't tell you, however, is not self-centered. It's simply not being psychic. If you wanted her to be with you at an audition (and I was an orch. student for many years, I know how stressful preparing for auditions can be), then you should have told her.

If you told her and she dismissed you, then perhaps that could be considered self-centered. However, if she dismisses things like supporting you in times of need, why are you still wanting to pursue a relationship with her in the first place?

Secondly, her blowing off plans with you hurts you. This I get--I've gotten the old brush-off from my boyfriend a few times, and it is hurtful and it is unfair, because you have to put time into planning your night out, get the go-ahead from your parents, and all that. However, maybe she isn't aware of your feelings or of what you have to do to be able to go out.

Personally, I would talk to her about this--tell her that it's not cool and hurts you when she blows you off for someone/something else. It's just not polite. With my boyfriend and I, we know that things can and do come up that we can't cancel. That's ok. But spending time together is important too, and so whatever plans were made first is what we stick to. Rainchecks have no expiration date, after all.

Third, miscommunication about sex can cause a whole bunch of problems in relationships. Again, I think you should talk to her--about what you two think about sex in general, about what you want from sex, etc.

It seems like you two really just need to communicate more. Especially when the major issue is that you seem to want different things in general.

There's nothing wrong with dating each other or lightening up with a relationship after it has begun. Sometimes people dive in too deep too fast--it doesn't mean they don't like swimming, just that where they're at, at that moment, is out of their comfort zone.

Talk to her. If you think you would like to continue dating and you're comfortable with it, try out the "less serious" version of whatever you're doing right now and see how it goes. If you're not comfortable with that, then consider this: this is probably not going to be the last relationship of your life, and if the two of you don't have the same goals even right now, ultimately it's going to be difficult for you to feel happy with what you do have.

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27578

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Thank you so much, faifai. I really appreciate your help and advice.

Unfortunately, she's decided that she can't go out with me any longer. I think that I knew in my heart that this relationship couldn't have lasted... after all, I loved her, and she didn't love me. I think that we broke up in a way that won't 'burn bridges'. I was upset, but I insisted that I wasn't angry at her. As much as it hurt me to say it, I thanked her for having the strength to end our relationship, because we both knew that it wouldn't work out in the long run, and I didn't have the willpower to end it.

I was finally honest with her. I told her that she was the first girl that I ever loved, but I also told her that beyond the love I felt for her as my girlfriend, I had even more love for her as my friend. I hope that we can stay as good friends as we were when we were dating.

So, there we are. How do you guys deal with this pain? Is it hard to remain friends with eac other after a break up?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. Breakups are tough, even if as you say, the relationship couldn't have lasted. It's really great that you guys want to be friends, and it sounds like you'll end up being good friends, but give yourself a bit of time first to get your life back to normal, as it were, get things back on an even keel.

Try a new activity, volunteer, keep yourself busy for a while. Do things that make you happy, reconnect with other friends you may have lost touch with a bit. Even if you do want to establish a friendship, it's good to give yourself a bit of time apart to get back into a headspace where you can look at this person as a friend and not a partner. So I'd recommend not diving into a close friendship right away - that takes time and it has to happen on its own, it isn't something that can be forced. Good luck.

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27578

Icon 10 posted      Profile for yevsey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I appreciate your words as well, karybu. I just wanted to say thanks, to both of you, for helping me out during this. It means a lot.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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