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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » And so, my world collapses.......

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Author Topic: And so, my world collapses.......
Member # 22480

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**Sorry this is long, but you kind of need the background.....

I had dated this guy for almost two years, and after a month or so of shakiness, we broke up. Then he took it back, then he reinstated it, then thought maybe he needed space and we'd get back together, then decided he wasn't ever coming back. It was all drawn out and confusing and definitely emotionally insane. I've gotten all the reasons: our lives were headed in different directions, he wasn't himself with me, I loved him so much and he couldn't ever love me back like that. Mostly a load of bull. He started seeing this other girl, the one he had always sworn to me was just a friend, not even a week later. It devastated me. He was my first love. I've been pushing through school (I'm a senior) with "happy smiles", while I do everything possible not to think of him. But each night, I write in my journal and cry myself to sleep. We were talking a little and I wanted to be friends, but he wasn't sure (and has told me that the new girlfriend doesn't want me in his life)

All that happened about a month ago, and despite yelling, tears and the girlfriend's wishes, he has continued talking to me and it was getting almost normal friends. I was doing better. Not caring about dating him, liking that he was there a little but not needing him. Well, over the weekend he sent me a myspace message, just some Sept, 11th fact sheet he'd thought I'd find interesting, and on myspace when you do that, the picture of the person comes up next to the message. It was a picture of him and the new girlfriend all lovey-dovey cuddley. I flipped out and wrote this terribly vulgar, screaming kind of message back. He apologized and said that he didnt realize I would see that, and that he will leave me alone if I want, although he was liking the friendship that was starting to evolve.

Now, I don't know what to do. He knows me better than anyone in the world. I feel like throwing away two years is a just that, throwing it away. Its like admitting we never cared as much as we thought we did. Yet, after seeing that picture, I've gone back to my fighting back the tears just to get through school. I dont know what to do. It all seems surreal. Like its not happening, or it never happened. Everything is a blur in my head. Its not fair to be friends and flip out on him, but its not easy to just be normal yet, and I'm still kind of angry as to how it all happened, and how quickly he dated again etc. I don't know what to do anymore. He was always my problem fixer and now he's the problem.....

Posts: 50 | From: us | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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You need time away from him. Not talking, no contact--just time to distance yourself and heal emotionally.

A friendship can evolve, but only after you're ready to handle his new life emotionally.

Try taking up a hobby, or volunteering. It will help keep you busy and take your mind off of things.

Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27526

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oh dear. I almost cried after reading this. This is my sorry too.. I love this guy. I honestly truly do. So much that i can't stand to be his friend. We were friends for a good year after we broke up but it was only because we both had feelings for each other still. But now, he's over me and i'm left with this one sided heart wrenching love. I completely stopped talking to him. I just couldn't take it. Everytime he mentioned a girl i wanted to break into tears everytime i saw him. The only difference between you and I is that I was the one who got the bf.. I was trying to get ove rhim.. and.. it wasn't fair to my bf i know but. .i tried.. and i failed. I still love that boy so much. If he ever got a gf I'd just die

-adieu, stace

Posts: 1 | From: Miami, FL, USA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
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Member # 2971

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I agree, it is much harder to get over someone when you see and talk to them often.

I got out of a long term relationship 7 months ago and I'm still trying to move on. It's not an easy thing, but it makes it so much harder having to see and talk to someone. Old feelings get dragged up and jealousy can be really painful.

I know it's hard to cut off contact from someone who you may feel is your best friend, but I don't think that taking real time apart from one another, and cutting off contact is the same as saying that you never cared.

I think that it's obvious you're still in a lot of pain, and he should respect that and give you space. Going through a break up takes time. It will get easier, however.

Consciously Naive

Erin Jane
~Scarleteen Advocate~

Posts: 1747 | From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26852

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oh dear god, i know i've been in this situation before.

it's so hard to not talk to him, but it's even more difficult to try to maintain a friendship directly after your break up. once i stopped talking to my ex boyfriend, he realized how stupid he was for breaking up with me. don't let him know how horrible you feel, it'll just make you even more vulnerable to him. i found it a lot easier to complain to anybody who would listen to me except him. my tears would only make him feel like a stronger person, which isn't exactly the best thing.

good luck m'dear <3

Posts: 86 | From: california | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26167

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I have been there too, for awhile i talked with him only on internet though, he would always talk about girls and it really bugged me, we ended up hating each other (well i just said i did) I think its a really good idea to take a break from him until you are stable. I am finally friends with my ex again and could care less if he has a new girlfriend and he was my first love. I think it is a good idea to take a break get to know your independent self again. After your completely fine maybe just say hi and see how it goes. It will take time hun but after awhile you will be amazed how fast it will go over time
Posts: 40 | From: duluth mn us | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22480

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Thank you everyone for your advice. The more you all say to break contact the more it makes me think you are right. So, I'm trying.

I just have one more question...See, in order to not feel terrible, I don't talk about him with anyone, or think about it. I just do things that keep my mind focused on something else, and I feel alot better. But then, whenever I do think about him, it hurts. Even when I think I'm fine and I don't care, I know I wouldn't date him again, I'll see something that reminds me of him and it comes crashing back. So, I'm afraid that as long as I keep surpressing the feelings, little things will keep triggering it. Is there a point when I will think about him and it will just stop hurting? Or do I need to deal with the feelings now to totally move on??

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oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647

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Its a perfectly normal part of the process of recovering from a break up to see simple things and remember how you felt. Its also normal to have these feelings brought up again. That is why it was important to separate yourself from him.

It isn't going to just go away. You loved him. Part of you still does. It is going to hurt. Its all perfectly normal. Give yourself time. It will get easier, I promise!

I think it is a good idea that you are keeping busy. Not because it keeps you from thinking of your ex, but because if you take interest in things, and become more active and social, you will realize that you can be happy and have fun without him.

Then, it will be that much easier to be apart from him, and the pain will have eased.

If you should happen to see him, thoughts might enter your mind, and you will acknowledge that you have history, but it doesn't have to be miserable and painful. And it shouldn't be if you have given yourself enough time to heal.

Good luck!

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26167

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i felt those feeling for awhile to, seeing cars that looked liek his go by, watching movies that reminded me of him and things like that jsut anythign i would always think of him. Its perfectly normal and it will pass. One day you wont even notice, i thought i would never get over him, i would cry everynight, i even had break downs in school seeing him. One day i didnt even care if i talked to him or not, i didnt have anymore thoughts to depress me. You will find a new guy to think about all the time, one thing you cant do is be scared of other relationships, i did that and kept myself from getting into a relationship because i didnt want them to end the same but i learned that its going to happen and i have alot of life left for dating, first loves will be the hardest, or so i hear. Stay strong
Posts: 40 | From: duluth mn us | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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