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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Being harassed

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Author Topic: Being harassed
babygirl88
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First of all, sorry for making two posts in one day... Anyways...

Today I discovered a note in my backpack, that was evidently placed there on Friday sometime during school. It was VERY nasty, addressed to me, and unsigned.

I am having a difficult time dealing with this!

It sounds so trivial, so impish... And yet, IT HURTS!

I have been dealing with this treatment at school for years, and it has never made sense to me.

I have a feeling that the kid who did this is a guy at school who is friends with my boyfriend, who I just recently broke up with. It would make sense, because it would be this guy's way of getting back at me for my ex.

I'm taking in the note tomorrow and showing it to the Dean.

I'm just curious, why does this not happen to anyone else? Seriously, I am cursed or something. I try so hard with everything and hate to be mean, yet throughout the last few years of HS there have been some people who just can't hate me enough.

Lately I have been feeling happier than ever-- Really able to be comfortable and adequately self-confident. Letting this get to me would really work against my new persona, but it's a little difficult.

Thoughts? If anyone could respond tonight especially I would greatly appreciate it; I'll probably be up most of the night worrying about this.

Thanks!!


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by babygirl88:
First of all, sorry for making two posts in one day...
Hey, there's no limit on posting, and you've been dealing with some crappy stuff right now.

Going to the Dean is absolutely the right thing to do. Hopefully, s/he will take the action fast. How did that go?

Whoever did it is extremely pathetic: Not only for thinking such awful things, but even more for being too meek to say it to your face. Can you/were you able to stick with friends and/or a teacher you trust during day for support?

Please don't let this get in the way of your new found happiness, sure, it's a blip, but it'll go by. (Nonetheless, it should definitely be investigated and not tolerated by the school.) High school can be really tough, but it'll be over soon. And then you don't ever have to see the people again (but also start realizing things, such as like a guy who was really mean to the openly gay guys at school comes out as gay himself.)

When my (ex)boyfriend and I broke up senior year of high school, I had to deal with this table group of really nasty people in anatomy class. They were friends with my ex, and somehow this guy and two girls got kicks out of watching me suffer, adding more pain to an already hard time. I don't understand what possessed them to act this way, but I knew that they, too, weren't going through the best lives of their lives... not that taking it out on others is ever right. But just try to avoid the "bad" people and enjoy your friendships.

This reminds me of semi-"happy end" to this story: I had a really rough senior year but my friends are what helped me get through it. At the post-graduation party, there was a drawing for some prizes. I really wanted to win a PlayStation to give to my little brother. Amazingly I won it, which was pretty cool, but not as awesome as it was hearing people cheer for me. I realized that most people were either for me (or didn't know or care ), and that the few crappy individuals are so insignificant in comparision. Your ex and his buddies may be a**es, but surely the overwhelming majority of people are "rooting" for you, too.

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 02-13-2006).]


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babygirl88
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Ecofem-

Thanks for your response. I am actually in school right now. I told the Dean this morning- he actually confronted me because my stepmom called him about the situation early today.

It is so frustrating... I don't know who did it so I don't even know what to think yet.

Last year, I was harassed so much by some kids in my grade who just arbitrarily hated me. They wrote a LOT of bad stuff about me on their livejournals and myspace. I was SHOCKED this morning to learn, from my Dean, that he was never informed of these occurences.... So I really did go through all of that bullying alone. See, I brought copies of printouts of alllll of the online things that were said about me and they told me they talked to the school multiple times. I was both surprised and disappointed when the school did nothing in response. Now I know why- No one told them!!

This feeling just reminds me so much of how the first few years of HS were for me. I felt like dirt all of the time. When the whole terrible situation peaked last year, I sat outside of my school's guidance counsellor's office (we only have one here) every single day with the evidence of my harassment. He was never around. I tried to track him down around campus, but no one ever knew where he was. One day as I was sitting, crying, papers in hand, one of my Senior friends came by and I talked to her instead.

This is so frustrating! Seriously, this DOESN'T HAPPEN to anyone else, and I don't know why. You'd think people would have better things to do than harass the person who would never be mean in return. I asked one of my friends today over lunch why this never happens to anyone else and she says it's because I don't defend myself. I agree thaht I used to be this way, but I thought I had overcome this for the most part. I guess it's just part of my personality to be kind and submissive, but these days I tend not to take crap from anybody.

At the end of the day, I'm going to check back in with the Dean- He inquired as to who I thought could be the culprit and is going to do some investigative work for me.

Thanks for the continual support =)

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey babygirl88,

I've been wanted to write a longer response (a good friend was in a simillar situation) but these past two days have been crazy for me. (As in crazy busy, not as in having to deal with crazy crap like you do right now.) So I'll write more tomorrow. I hope the Dean is taking action (I can see how it's been really frustrating all along and even more so now.) And that you and you friends have a good Valentine's Day friendship shindig.

Happy February 14th, Ecofem


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babygirl88
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Heyy, thanks. Ah, busy is something I understand. No sweat. You have already been a tremendous help- Thanks for your support.

Today I barely dragged myself to school, and only because my parents wanted me to and my guidance counsellor encouraged me to. I did not attend either of my 2 scheduled classes. I spent the first hour of the morning with the guidance counsellor and my stepmom, discussing the recent situation of the mean note that was left in my backpack and the situation of harassment from multiple people that has been ongoing for the duration of my HS experience.

I am livid, as are my parents, teachers, and friends. It's refreshing to know that:
A. I have a lot of supporters, who will go to great lengths for me
-and-
B. I am fine just the way I am. There is nothing wrong with me.

I told my GC today how this kind of stuff makes me so unsure about myself because I think I'm a fine person and then they arbitrarily hate me. I told my GC how I search and search for an explanation as to WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME but to no avail... And he told me that I can't find anything wrong with me because there is nothing wrong with me. Thus I learned that it is okay to know that other people have problems that they need to work out. I have a horrible history of blaming myself, that can be seen in physical evidence by the scars decorating my arm.

I'm pushin so hard to stay strong right now. It just sucks having to go to school every day feeling threatened. Quite frankly, it's crap. One of my defining characteristics is that I will never, ever tolerate cruelty. I have forever defended and comforted anyone who is bullied, picked on, or alone. I will continue that, but now I realize that I have to be just as kind to and defensive of myself. I have also learned that it is OKAY for me to be the "shot lamb" so to speak- Looking to others for the support I need to go on.

I am feeling better, but I know that things will never be perfect. Thinking about HS will always leave a bitter reminiscence in my mind, but I have been trying to make this the best year possible, and I hope to continue those efforts before long.

The girl who left the nasty note in my bag has already been talked to and disciplinary action will be taken. I do not yet know what that implies.

I am SOOO ANGRY with these people for doing this to me. I am forever grateful to my friends for backing me up when I'm at my worst. I have never felt worse. However, I'm hurting the right way this time: Not alone. I'm sharing my hurt, and it's working- By letting others know what's up, I'm able to recieve appropriate help.

I told my GC that I'd like to meet with the girl who left me this anonymous note. I don't care if the GC has to be there, I don't care if the Dean has to be there, and I don't care if it's in the Dean's office. I want to rip this girl to shreds verbally. And I'm sorry if that's harsh, but I'm PISSED. No one should have to endure this.

I will be speaking with this girl at some point. I was preparing to analyze the letter she wrote me, piece by piece, and tell her how all of the horrible things she says about me are wrong (FYI She doesn't know me and I don't know her.... Makes a whole lot of sense, I know), then proceed to turn them around on her. My dad suggested quite the opposite: Silence. Complete silence. He says it's humiliating, as a "criminal",if you would, to have to face your victim in a situation in which you are very uncomfortable because you have nothing to say (because you are guilty). My dad also suggested I make her see the hurt she has put me through, by explaining the psychological impact, impact it's had on my grades, classes, sleep, friendships, family, etc. etc. I don't quite know which route to take, because with my idea I don't know how far I could take it without the teachers stepping in, I don't know what affect silence would have on this guilty mean girl, and I feel as if making her see that she hurt me will only make her feel like she accomplished what she set out to accomplish. She wants to see me suffer. She, like all of the other kids who have harassed me without logical reason, are sociopaths. They don't care about others' feelings.

I am done reporting for now....

It's kind of a relief that something is actuallly being done about this. I just hope I can live through the rest of my Senior year without having to face any more of this assinine, unnecessary, immature crap.

If anyone knows how to best put this girl in her place while talking to her, please tell me your suggestions. The goal of the meeting will be not to stoop to her low, low level but to make her uncomfortable, make her not want to mess with me again, and make her feel some of the pain she has put me through. I am not trying to be mean, but I am no longer willing to be nice in a situation where I have been relentlessly trashed for no reason.

Thanks =)

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hi babygirl88,

I'm now taking the time to answer this, and I've taken notes. (I teach school and take university classes: it's my uni break right now, but I'm somehow even more tired and busy. I think this has a lot to do with finally becoming aware of politics at work and avoiding them but still being viscerally included. All the gossip behind people's backs, etc. really wears you down-- whether in high school or the teacher workroom for that matter. But at school as a student is hardest because you're forced to attend classes and don't have as many defense mechanisms.)

My best friend in high school went through similar harassment. It truly did seem as if she was singled out for verbal and sexual harassment. Looking back she realized it started in 9th grade by a girl who had a crush on her but was disgusted with herself for having such feelings and starting making disparaging remarks about my friends’ body. The girl encouraged her friends, male and female, to join her and by 12th grade she was being harassed by a large number and wide variety of people.

Obviously your background is a bit different, and there were other aspects involved, but this may be universal. The students were so worried about getting bullied themselves that they joined in, even if they hardly knew her, and she became all-purpose ‘scape goat. Horrible and wrong, but it makes sense how all these weak people were being sheep rather than stand up for what was right. She also had gone to her counselor and others only to get told “Boys tease you when they like you.” As if getting chased down the street by a group of boys barking at you and throwing stuff is an innocent crush!?! She later returned four years later to the school and met with the principal to discuss anti-bullying legislation.

I totally hear you about “not tolerating cruelty.” How many times have you stood up for others only to take loads of crap for it? This is maybe added to the harassment grew more over time? Like I would do the same and had to eat s*** from people who found me a bit weird but ok enough to leave alone except when I was standing up for “weirder” people with fewer social graces. I say absolutely continue to stand up for what’s right, but I’ll admit I’ve become more cautious in doing this. Like I realized this girl I’d stick up for on the bus in 8th grade (and got completed razzed for), actually enjoyed their attention and even encouraged it during the day.

Of course you are totally fine the way you are: it’s awful that you feel you have as if you were the one with the problem. Re: Self-blame and self-injury. Not to get on you about that, because we do what we can in order to deal. I’ve found that I’ve gotten better with dealing with it as I’ve gotten older. I realize it’s not my fault, and I realize hurting myself even more is not going to help in the long run. When I get an urge, I just sort of sigh and think, “I’m too old/mature to be doing this anymore.” So I pour my feelings out into other outlets, such as art and writing. I’m confident you’ll work out a good solution over time.

I agree with your dad about reacting to the notewriter by being silent. Seriously, silence is a great way to make people feel uncomfortable and suffer because they can think of all the possible horrible things you might be thinking. Pouring your feelings out at this point would most likely leave you feeling drained and re-exploited. A caring, sensible person would try to change his/her behavior after seeing how s/he’s hurt you. But this girl obviously lacks that ability if she wrote the note in the first place. Chances are she’d totally reject your words, be apathetic towards them, or even enjoy hearing how much you’ve suffered. She’s just one of many people at fault, and it’d be better not to try to deal with your (expected and natural) anger on just her.

What can I say to end this? That I hope it gets better, and that life after high school will certainly be better. Not because the people necessarily get nicer but you have more choice as to whom to associate with. I want to believe that people are genuinely good at heart, but I also feel most people are too scared or weak to take a stand. But they can jump on the bandwagon, complain in livejournals, etc. Thing is you have many friends and supporters, but these people may feel as they don’t have a single friend. If they are being mean toward you, chances they don’t treat one another very well either.

Have a good afternoon. Time for me to finish making an essay test on the power of words and standing up for what you believe in.

------------------
Urgency always exists/In these rooms/In one's own four walls *Tocotronic*


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babygirl88
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Aww, thank you so much....

It's interesting how our little discussion here ties into the work you're doing for your class.

Thank you for taking the time to tell you friend's story to me, as well as include your insightful input. Hearing you friend's story makes me angry, and makes me realize that I'm not the only one who has endured such serious, ongoing bullying and harassment. I hope she gave that darn school administration a good kick in the face when she returned years later to project anti-bullying laws to the faculty.

I always think that for people who takes things to heart, they always end up doing something down the road to fight for a cause against something that hurt them at one point. For instance, someone who tried committing suicide or whose brother committed suicide might volunteer at a Lifeline. I will always think it's hideous, though, that people can be so mean.

Ecofem, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it!! =D


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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