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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » poor communication

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Author Topic: poor communication
St_Megnolia
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Member # 20234

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Last night I completely jumped to conclusions and got angry with my boy friend. I had expressed a need earlier that day that we needed to sit down and talk about some of the things we were going through but at around midnight when I hadn't heard from him I went to his house to see him. The phones and internet were not working that night either... which contributed to the confusion I think. His room mates than said that he wasn't home and that he had gone out to a bar with some friends. I think this pissed me off because we had both agreed to get together that night and I didn't feel like he cared about me or our relationship (we are working through some stuff at this point).

Because things have been so stressful lately I just walked in to the bar and told him I was done with him and left. Then after realizing I had been an idiot I came back and we talked it out. I found out that he had left me a message and was planning to come over later. Because the phones weren't working I didn't get that message.

I really hate myself right now for jumping to conclutions. I feel angry and frustrated and almost like I was set up to be put in that situation. I've been stressed lately because I feel like more of a burden to my boyfriend than sombody who he enjoys spending time with. I hate how I always seem to be in the wrong.

I feel like he could have made an effort to come by my place before he left, because the phones weren't working.

Instead of him admitting that he had a little part in what happened though I just found myself, as always, apologising to him and once again trying to earn back his approval.
I'm tired of this, I don't want to be this person who gets angry like this... I don't understand why I feel like I'm being treated poorly when I'm not really. I don't understand why I keep making problems out of nothing. I just want to be a fun supportive girlfriend, not a burden.

Does anybody else feel like this and or have any ideas how to deal with these feelings?


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Heather
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This may sound unrelated, but can I ask how your relationships with other equally-important people in your life -- your closest friends, family, main social circle -- are?

I ask this because sometimes, when we start to feel the stresses you're describing, as well as those kinds of concerns and reactions, it happens to be at the same time when our OTHER relationships aren't getting much attention, when we don't have the perspective those give us, etc.

Did you partner KNOW the phones weren't working? And did you and he actually agree on a time earlier or not?


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St_Megnolia
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Member # 20234

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He knew the phones weren't working because he called me from the bar because they weren't working and no, we didn't state a specific time. I guess we should have been more specific. As far as I knew he was busy until 9 and we were supposed to meet up after that.

At this time my relationships with my family and friends are better than they've been in a long time. Mostly because my boyfriend is so unavailable. The problem is when I talk out my feelings about him with my friends, or even with my counsellor it rreally doesn't help. In fact I've been finding that it makes things worse because, working with the information I have, I get things all wrong and twisted then when I try to talk to my boyfriend about these feelings he gets angry because I have it all wrong.
I feel like I'm in the wrong a lot here.
I just want to get things right, you know so that when I talk to my boyfriend we're on the same page and I'm not so confused. On top of this I don't feel satisfied after we're done talking, or we talk and then everything goes back to the way it was before and withing a week were back rehashing the same stuff again.
I just chalk this up to poor communication.
I'm scared right now I don't want to loose him and I don't understand why I keep pushing him away.


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Heather
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I'm not sure how your FEELINGS can be "all wrong."

I also have to say that if you've got friends, family and a counselor all on the same page with you, none of whom think you're being unreasonable or out-of-touch, those collective voices have a bit more clout than just that of one other person, your boyfriend.

How is he saying you are 'wrong," and about what? How is he expressing this anger, and what exactly is he getting angry about?

Sounds to me like you two are very much at an impasse in your relationship: to get thought something like that, BOTH parties have to be willing to hear both sides AND not decide that one side is "right" and the wother wrong. Instead, it's about recognizing both perspectives, which ARE going to differ, because you aren't the same person. Right now, are BOTH of you -- him, too -- really committed to working through your issues right now?

Because if you are and he isn't, this isn't about you pushing him away, but about him opting out of resolving things WITH you, opting out of respecting your feelings and acknowledging them as valid, etc.

Are there still a lot of positives in this relationship? Can you still be yourself in it, without worry that you're presenting that self a certain way?


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St_Megnolia
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I don't even know where to begin with this relationship.
I'l start with the major trust issue. My boyfriend has been cheated on by most of his ex girlfriends and, so, has trust issues from past relationships.
I did not help this though. Last year I went to Toronto to visit a friend of mine and we stayed at my ex boyfriend's university with him. At that time I was still friends with that ex boyfriend but I guess I had misplaced my trust in him because we all got drunk and he ended up touching me in ways that I was not comfortable with. Because I was shocked by this and not sure of my feelings about it I didn't tell my boyfriend about it right away. Because I didn't tell him right away he got upset and did not believe me. I see his side, in that he was worried that if I had gotten raped and not told him he could have caught something or been exposed to some risk. That was the first thing.

This summer we stayed together despite the distance. While away I became good friends with another guy. We became pretty close and one day he asked if he could kiss me and I said no because I had a boyfriend.
Again, which is really stupid of me, I didnt tell my boyfriend right away abou this after we got back to school. On top of that he considers the fact that I had a close connection with another guy to be cheating. I see where he's comming from but I don't agree. And as for what happened in Toronto I really needed his support then.
So as far as he was concerned I had compromised his trust. I felt pretty bad about this. I still feel guilty about this. So I have been activly trying to regain his trust for a while now. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible.
That's the trust stuff.


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Heather
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Sounds like your partner isn't exactly owning his own issues.

It is NORMAL for someone who has been sexually assaulted or harassed in any way to take time to sort things out with themselves before telling others. Him making that about him? While it's understandable he's got issues because of being cheated on, this wasn't about cheating or about him. This also wasn't about STI concerns for him.

Per the second nstance, no one is obligated to tell their partner about everyone who makes a pass at them. He asked, you said no, and again, this isnt about you cheating, it's about someone making a pass at you. And having a close male friend is not infidelity.

Just from this post alone, as well as you saying he gets angry from you expressing feelings he doesn't like...well, some signals are going off here, and they're not good.

Again: what POSITIVES exist in this relationship? What are you really getting here, and what is he really giving? And how often are you given the burden of HIS past issues? How often does he really take ownership of them as about him, not you?


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St_Megnolia
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I don't think he means to make me feel like I'm in the wrong he just rebuts everything I say so that I can't help but feel like I got it wrong. I don't feel that he always considers what I'm saying.
He gets angry about me "freaking out" and is frustrated with us keeping on taking about the same problems. He said he's frustrated that I keep comparing myself to him, which I actually don't do anymore, and that I am too concerned with who's right and wrong. I feel like I'm changing a lot for him and he's staying pretty rigid.

He rarely gets worked up he's usually very calm or he doesn't talk about his anger and goes running or climbing to deal with it.

He says he loves me and that he wants to work things out... but I don't feel that what he says and what he does match up. I can't blame him for being busy.

Everything that bothers me he has an indesputable excuse for. For example, I always have to stay at his place if we want to cuddle because he's an RA for the university and is supposedly not allowed to leave. And, because he's so busy I have to accomodate our time together around his schedual.

As for positives, I love him. He was there for me when I was depressed last term and he's just an all around great guy. He's respectful and he works hard.

I am afraid lately to express my feelings or really talk them out because he seems so unhappy about talking about them, other than that I'm myself.

I'm frustrated and I wish he wasn't so busy.


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St_Megnolia
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He kind of takes ownership, for example: he said he was not comfortable talking to my friends because he didn't want to feel like an idiot if I cheated on him with one of them and he had shook their hand without knowing... which in my opinion is absolutly rediculous... but he said it was just something he had to work on getting over. So I guess he took ownership for that. He took owner ship for having trust issues that he's working through but sometimes I have my doubts that he is actually dealing with them. For example: Before we left for Christmas break he wrote me this really beautiful advent calendar book of things I was supposed to read every day we were appart. It was really sweet and really touching. But... Two days after we had bothe gone home he MSNs me saying he is not comfortable with me hanging out with my guy friends at home (my only friends that I have there because I have moved around a lot) and that he has no trust in me and that he wants to break up for the break so that if something happens he won't get as hurt by it.
I was pretty hurt by that though and so, because I needed a break after my tough first term, i just made myself busy and unavailable. He didn't like that at all and I feel bad for not being there to talk to him but I was really hurt and blind sided and I wanted to enjoy my break.
It scares me that he'l say something to me one day than completly change his mind the next. I understand that people change their oppinions but when it happens so suddenly like that it shakes me up a bit. So in a way I guess I'm having trouble trusting him now maybe as much as he has trouble trusting me.


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Heather
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ALL the positives you listed, save him being there for you, aren't about your relationship. They're about his personality as an individual, or about how you feel about him.

When I ask about postives, I'm asking about things like:
- Does the relationship make you happy most of the time? Does it make you feel good about yourself?
- Do you enjoy the time you spend together? Do you enjoy the things you do when you do that?
- Do you feel loved and cared for?
- Do you feel like the relationship strengthens you, adds to you, gives you energy?
- Do you feel not only able to be yourself, but celebrated by your partner for who you are, as-is?
- Do you feel able to talk about anything, to be open, to be vulnerable as well as strong?
- Is the relationship a comfort to/solace for you?
- Does it enhance the other relationships in your life? Does it support all the other things you do and want to do?

I'm not hearing these things, and some of what I'm hearing is a clear answer of "No," to some. And if that's the case, and the door just really isn't open to getting to those places above, then generally, it's time to think and talk about either changing the relationship -- such as to a platonic friendship -- or dissolving it.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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