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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long Distance Relationship

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Author Topic: Long Distance Relationship
Member # 10747

Icon 5 posted      Profile for roman_poet_22002     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok. I need your opinions. I'm just confused and doubtful.

I'm a guy and I met this girl online. She's a year younger than me (I'm 19 and she's 18). We're both from California and we're about 10-12hrs apart. We've been dating for one month and we only communicate via telephone and recently by letters.
So this is the story: I wanted to visit her on this coming spring break, because right now I'm studying in a university and the only and longest vacation I have on spring is on spring break. Our plan was visiting her on spring break and stay at her house for a few days. Her mom was fine with me staying in her house. I told my mom about it yesterday (me and my mom are close and I can tell her about almost all my stuff). My illusions of visiting and meeting her and to get to know each other more [we love each other very much] fell apart. My mom didn't like the idea of me visiting her and staying at her house.
I got very upset when my mom told me that. My gf and I agreed to divide the cost of the plane ticket among each other. My mom didn't like that idea also. She told me that the Man should be able to buy that plane ticket, for example. Personally, I perceive that as men being above women and I don't like that. Women are capable of being at the same level as men. Being here at this university has greatly influenced me in my life, especially my Women Studies class and other classes I've taken that I've learned a lot about different cultures.
Anyways, for my mom, the idea of me and my gf splitting the money to only pay half, it means that that should only be done by couples that are engaged and/or married.
Taking into account, I'm the only child and probably she's being protected, I know that, she's always been. And my mom hasn't met my gf.
One other thing that my mom told me was that I might be able to visit her this summer but she'll have to go with me and stay in a Hotel. Plus, I might not see/meet her in person after I graduate and have a job. That might be in three to four more years from today. A side note, my mom wants me to finish college and have a decent job and life and not having what she had to go through. Perhaps, she demands me to get good grades like As and Bs. For those of you, college/university is tough not easy; Iíll be happy if I receive a C in any of my classes Ďcause thatís passing. For her a C is not that good of a passing grade.
Well, my gf told me that she will wait for me after I graduate, I know I will, I trust her very much. But for me, it will be hard because it will be a long time. She has had long distance relationships before and for me this is my first one. Honestly, Iím not that into having long distance relationships becauseÖ I donít know; you guys fill in the blank. Iím almost done.
Last night, my gf and I were talking on the phone and told her about the talk I had with my mom. Several minutes later, she was talking about her coming over here without my mom knowing. She told me that it wouldnít be a lie if I leave here to go pick her up in a weekend over there and my roommates saying to my mom (she usually calls every week) that I left to the store or something. I will still feel guilty. After that I just was in awe. Iím not sure why I felt like that; if it was her idea of me picking her up or something else. In a few minutes I started to cry. Later we were happy again. Today when I woke up I just felt that our relationship will not work. I donít know if Iím being pessimist but Iím trying to be optimistic. Quite long but hope I get feedback from any of you.

Posts: 27 | From: San Diego County, CA, | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10747

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Forgot to say that I wanted to try a long distance relationship and that I love her very much...we love each other a lot.
Posts: 27 | From: San Diego County, CA, | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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A few things struck me as I read your message.

Who pays for your tuition? You, or your mom? Because it sounds like you're actually out of the house, and functioning on your own. If you pay for your own tuition and living expenses, then frankly, your mother really doesn't have much of a say in how you choose to spend your spring break. Really. Especially if you're footing the bill. You are 19.

So, a few questions before I offer advice:

Who pays your tuition?
Are you out of the house?
How are you planning on paying for your half of the plane ticket, plus extra money?

This really factors in, I promise. Because it sounds to me like you're in limbo as far as asking your mom permission to do this and doing it without her blessing.

Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

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First of all, i don't understand why you're surprised that your mother wouldn't want you to jump on a plane to go stay w/ someone you've never met before. Strangers. We're taught as young children not to even talk to strangers, and here you are wanting to fly 10-12hrs away and stay w/ them. She's worried, and frankly, i think she has every right to be.

I think that visiting w/ your mom and staying in a hotel is a nice compromise. Maybe you can work on getting this to happen before summer ...?

As for the ticket ... Do you have the funds available to pay for the ticket yourself? Splitting the plane ticket does sound like a nice idea, provided you can pay for the tickets yourself. What if you pay one way there and when you get there, she decides she's not going to pay your way back? You're stuck. I'm not sure why your mom feels the way she does; i certainly do not agree. My partner and i have been splitting 'bills' since we started dating. It is NOT a mans duty to pay for everything.

I feel for you on the grades, i really do. I'm a nursing major, and will graduate this june w/ a bachelor of science (honours, even!). My parents pushed me for higher grades as well, and it was hard. Personally though, i was not willing to settle for a C, and i don't see why you are if you know you're capable of better. Grades may not mean much if you're planning to go right from univ to the workforce, but what if you decide to go onto grad school or something? And what about just taking pride in good grades?

Why do you feel this relationship won't work? Have you talked to her about this? You need to. If you're not going to be able to meet her or spend any amount of time w/ her for a few years ... Are you okay w/ this? Is she? What does this mean for your relationship?

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10747

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Replying to Darkchild:

The thing is that I have a picture of her and I trust her. I know I'm capable of doing better than a C but what I meant is that if I'm not doing well in a class I'll be happy to get at least a C. I feel that I won't be able to wait that long. Yes, we've talked about it and on the phone she has told me she loves me.

To Lilblue:

Financial Aid pays for everything. I live in the dorms. I'm about 2hrs and 30mins away from my hometown. By the end of the semester I will have two payements left (I pay 680 a month to stay here in the dorms for the academic year.) I will save one payment for next semester, of course, and money to buy myself clothes and food for my mom and me to have and also food to buy when I return for the fall semster. I keep track of what I spend and how much money I will have left. About the plane ticket, I'm saving some, well I was, money from Financial Aid.

Well, thanks for your advice, it's helping me right now to understand. I don't know if you'll agree with me but I'm willing to wait until I graduate, even though it will be a long time, and get a job to have some money on my pocket. Frankly, right now I don't have a job, I tried to get one but I couldn't. Most jobs on campus require work study and a few days ago I asked if I had work study, they told me that they didn't have any more money. That I will have to wait until next semester to apply for a job.

Posts: 27 | From: San Diego County, CA, | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1386

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Our article on online relationships:

Getting Real: Relationships on the Net

My son had an online relationship with a woman on Michigan's Upper Peninnsula. When they finally got together, it didn't work. Not saying yours won't but online, even telephone relationships may not survive actual face time. So go visit with an open mind but be prepared for the possibility that the two of you may not hit it off.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

- Galileo

Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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