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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » that went well...

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Author Topic: that went well...
babygirl88
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Hi. I am really confused right now...

A particular guy friend of mine and I have been getting closer and closer lately. We don't go to school together, but we live very close to each other.

I like him so much as a person...

But, lately we have been fooling around a little, and tonight he just put his penis in my vagina even though I asked him not to over and over.... He had said "Okay just tell me when you're ready" and I replied that I planned on it. I had told him about my one experience with vaginal intercourse and how painful it was for me, how much I disliked it. But he did it anyways... He did stop because I kept resisting him... But still...

Now I don't want to step out there and say that he raped me, because even though it's not something I wanted him to do..... I don't know. I just can't picture this guy wanting to hurt me. And yet he did? I don't know, I am just really confused and disappointed right now. I have known this guy for 5 years and really enjoy him....

I hate sex, it ruins everything!

Apparently, guys can't control their urges. Apparently, it hurts anyways. I just want to stay out of relationships and never have sex again. URGH.

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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If you asked him not to put his penis in your vagina, and he did, it is rape. It's hard to admit sometimes, but that's not okay in any way shape or form.

Have you talked to a trusted adult about this? Have you talked to him about this, how you felt, and what happened?

Perhaps at this time in your life a relationship is not what you need, as you've stated. That's okay. You don't have to be in a relationship until you feel ready.


Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
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Right, I'm not in a relationship and I'm really quite tired of them. I just want to be on my own right now.

I have such mixed feelings about what happened last night, though. Is it really so hard for guys not to do that? Because I've had similar experiences in the past.

I am upset, but part of my feels like I should just forgive the guy because we are friends and enjoy eachother's company.


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Why don't you give yourself a few weeks to process this before you start thinking about forgiveness: after all, this isn't about him and what he needs. It's about you.

FYI? Plenty of guys (more than those who cannot, statistically) either CAN control their "urges," and/or do not HAVE the urge to force sex on women. But yes: sadly, plenty of men as well ARE rapists, do coerce, and aren't seeking real partnered sex, but a woman's body as a means for masturbation, essentially, or powerplay.

Over time, one usually gets better at vibing this stuff out: getting a sixth sense for who might be a danger and who probably isn't. Over time, one tends to get a bit better about setting clear boundaries right away AND figuring out who is going to respect them. But sometimes too, this crap happens, and the only person whose fault that is is the one raping, coercing, etc. NOT you.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
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Thanks for your responses-

I can't stop thinking about this. I'm considering that rape can take many different faces. I guess that when I was younger I NEVER thought that a friend or boyfriend would do something like that to a girl, that only criminals and strangers could be so cruel.

It's not fair.... I feel like women have to SUBJECT themselves to sex. I know that there are many ways to engage in sex other than vaginal intercourse, however I feel like that is always the straight guy's ultimate "goal". I can lend out suggestions and we can play with those for a while, but next thing I know he is forcing himself on top of me.

I do set up my boundaries (with partners). I am very open with them about my past, my experiences, my likes and dislikes and what I am willing and unwilling to do. I share what I am afraid of, as well as the reasons for my feelings.

Yet somehow, I always seem to feel disrespected. The one instance I would exclude from this is probably when I had vaginal intercourse with my most recent boyfriend. It was my first time and his, and even though the experience was far below satisfactory for me, I was willing to do it. He never forced me to do anything. He would never do that to me.

I really like my friend of 5 years, who entered me against my will last night. This is so frustrating because I like him a lot as a person!!

Why does sex seem to constantly go hand in hand with women being used, disrespected, hurt, raped?? Why.... My stepmom and sister have both been raped, and now possibly me? What is going on....

I am so upset because I never wanted my love life or sex life or just my life include such negative experiences! I almost feel as if they are unavoidable. I tried to stay in control of these situations but someone else got the upper hand and took advantage of me. I feel like my life has been tainted... I really do choose not to engage in things that I view as negative/destructive such as drugs and alcohol, and just being mean in general....

I hate to jump to my friend's defense, but I really feel in my heart like he wasn't planning on hurting me.... He talked about this beforehand, and was very remorseful afterward.... It is complicated, however I have reason to believe he wasn't trying to be such a jerk.

However, I am very angry with him and he has lost my trust.

He will probably call me today. I don't like to ignore things or let things linger if I can deal with them now, so I will probably talk to him about how angry I am and how surprised and disrespected I felt.

I'm sorry that I always make such long posts, but they really help me out. I always feel better writing/talking about things that bother me, especially in a forum setting where I can get feedback, support and advice.


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, by all means, write away. That's what this space is here for.

And processing any sort of sexual assault is ALWAYS hard. It's not a comfort to know, but MOST rapes -- the vast majority -- occur with a man the woman knows, and often it's someone a woman knows well: a husband, boyfriend, friend. It also is so that a great many women -- realistically, at least half of all women -- will absolutely have a negative or violent sexual experience at some point in her life, usually if she is involved with men, but even then, not always.

And the hard truth is, whatever someone's intentions, they choose their actions. Your friend CHOSE to act as he did, and flatly, that makes him not your friend.

What might help you out in the future if you do feel ready for sexual partnership again, given what you're saying here, is to go really slow with partners until you know:
- They ARE interested in a more holistic sexual experience, for both of you, which involves your whole bodies and NOT just intercourse, by a serious long shot, and by THEIR initiation, not just yours.
- Take no for an answer. Easily.
- They are more than casual partners: sounds like casual partnership isn't working out for you right now.

As to why heterosex and violence often intersect, that's a looooong discussion, historical and theoretical, that if you want to have, cool, but it's not exactly an uplifting one, so now might not be the best time to go there.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
I have come to learn that that which is most important to me must be spoken. - Audre Lorde


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
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He called me today (my guy friend whom this post is about). I feel like I should return his call to talk about what happened last night.

I feel strongly like I should forgive him and allow him another chance. I want to let him know how angry and disrespected I feel.

I think he'll be pretty receptive, he already knows that I'm upset with him because I let him know last night. He was pretty mad at himself also. Maybe he will learn from this?

I don't know why, but I have always had such lingering hope in this guy.... I just enjoy him. And that is why I am so surprised he did this and why I feel like I want to forgive him. I'm not going to dismiss, ignore or deny what happened, and I'm not going to let him do any of that either.

Do you think it's bad that I want to remain friends with this guy and give him another chance?

I realize that I may be opening myself up to potential disaster, but I have pretty much lost trust in him. I don't really want him touching me for a while. At all. I am thinking maybe just talking on the phone and doing things completely unrelated to sex from now on.

But I really like him!!

This is so tough. I am angry, I am disappointed, I am frustrated with guys. Yet, I want to understand why he did this to me and I want him to understand that it's not okay to treat women this way.

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think you're going through what a lot of women who have been sexually abused in any way go through, especially because for whatever reason, there's a clear message out there that sexual abuses aren't really the responsibility of the abuser. Which, frankly, is a pile of hooey.

(Also, it's pretty typical to kind of focus on things like forgiving the abuser rather than processing the actual abuse.)

Obviously, what feels right for you only you can know. But it might be helpful to put this in the context of a different sort of abuse: if this person had instead hauled off and smacked you in the face, how might you want to react? How might you think they were your friend? if you hyad a friend in your position, what might you advise her to do?

I can tell you that you're not going to be able to understand the why of this from this one guy. There are excellent researchers and psychologists, amazing women's theorists that have been working on this for decades -- trying to figure out why men rape -- with HUGE studies with many subjects, and while there are a lot of theories, there are a) very few unilateral answers and b) those which there are tend not to make anything feel any better, or do anything to prevent men from raping or trying to. Explaining that you feel disrespected may be something you need to say for yourself -- and okay -- but it's not likely to change his behaviour. A lot of study has been done on adapting rape behaviours and a sad truth is that pretty much nothing -- save fear of jail time for those who have been charged -- has ever been shown to work.

I would NOT, for the record, advise you to enter into ANY sort of sexual elationship again with this guy, or even a close relationship. You say you don't want him touching you "for a while," but you know, him touching you again at ALL is likely to compound your trauma. And again, I'd suggest you give yourself a few weeks for yourself before you make any decisions regarding him anyhow. Even talking to him on the phone is likely to be more about him looking to unload his own guilt than anything else: you have yourself to take care of.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
I have come to learn that that which is most important to me must be spoken. - Audre Lorde


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
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Thank you for your help. I have a lot to think about!

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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