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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he's NOT my boyfriend

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Author Topic: he's NOT my boyfriend
oOo Lea oOo
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Okay, here's the deal. Of course I LOVE my boyfriend. We have been through EVERYTHING together. I was his first EVERYTHING. He knows EVERYTHING about me. . Including my past. There is so much history. I adore him. I can't picture life without him, but . .

There is this guy that is madly inlove with me. He calls me everyday. He has even asked me out (meaning he asked me to be his gf. Question? - Isn't it a bit immature for a 25 yr old guy to ask a girl "hey, will you go out with me?" In my relationships it just HAPPENS. . Just curious) Anyway, I told him I couldn't "go out with him" but I would love to go out every now and then to hang out. Well he buys me all kinds of stuff now, calls me every morning before I go to work, before I go to lunch, after I get off of work, and a few times in the evening. Of course, I dont have service any place but work on my cell phone, so I dont answer. Yesterday when I checked my voice mail for the first time in 3 days, I had 18 voice mail. all but 3 were of him. He sounds like a stalker I know because I just read what I wrote but he is actuallya very sweet person. I just think hes obsessing over me a bit too much. I love hanging ot with him. He is SO fun, and such a gentlemand. BUT . .

This is the true problem here. Lately I have been questioning my boyfriend. Since I have been seeing my new doctor and we have been talking about the future and my life plans, I wonder If I will achieve my goals, and If my boyfriend is holding me back. Of course I want to get married some day and have kids. I am 20 yrs old. I live with my parents and I am dating a 17 yr old who has a yr and 1/2 left of highschool with college still to go. I will be 30 by the time I am stable. I guess I feel like I am depriving myself. I am doing so good with my bipolar and depression. I can handle things a little better now and I actually care about the future. Before, I didn't care at all, I would rather stay at home in my appt. in my parents basement, lock myself in my dark, windowless room, and hide away until I absolutely had to get up to go to work and leave. I was miserable and I didn't care if I even HAD a future.

I guess what I am asking is . . Am I just questioning my boyfriend because I know there is a guy who is stable, on his own, independent, committed, etc. who is completely inlove with me and I know he can give me the life I want? I know I can't just run off with this guy. I am not going to do that. But I often see myself comparing my friend with my boyfriend. Is this going to end up tearing my relationship apart? Should I consider being single? Am I just worrying? I am worried that I will loose my boyfriend. When I am with him I know its right, but its when I am away that I wonder. And especially when this guy is calling me. Should I just put a stop to this guy even seeing me? Please advise. Any imput will be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!

-(By the way. If it were just any random guy I would be freaked out. I can't trust anyone I dont know even most people I do know. But I work with his mom and I babysit his 18 month old bro and his 4 yr old sis every other weekend, So i know him VERY well!
- And also, my boyfriend doesn't know about this guy. We are just friends. You know from my previous posts that my boyfriend worries about me with every guy now. He even gets worried if I dont call when I leave work at 4 because I am the only female in my department. If I have to work late, he gets worried sick.)

[This message has been edited by oOo Lea oOo (edited 01-20-2006).]


Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by oOo Lea oOo:
There is this guy that is madly inlove with me.
Whoa, I get a bad feeling from what you've been describing about the 25 year old guy. Lots of gifts, constant phone calls, saying he loves you or what not. Without having even gone out? Not so great, a little scary actually.

quote:
He has even asked me out (meaning he asked me to be his gf. Question? - Isn't it a bit immature for a 25 yr old guy to ask a girl "hey, will you go out with me?" In my relationships it just HAPPENS. . Just curious)
Well, it always depends to the person/situation but I wouldn't be too into it myself.

quote:
Anyway, I told him I couldn't "go out with him" but I would love to go out with him every now and then to hang out.
OK, good of you to realize going out wouldn't be a good idea. However, you don't want him to get the impression that you are interested in him romantically, and he doesn't seem like the guy who could take a clue. I don't mean this as an insult to you or maturity level, but just as a safety thing. Because he seems like a guy who could get a little obsessed. Whooooa, 15 voice mails in one day... Seriously, I would avoid him. He may be immature/poorly adjusted socially/etc. but it'd be smart to avoid going down that road.

quote:
This is the true problem here. Lately I have been questioning my boyfriend. Since I have been seeing my new doctor and we have been talking about the future and my life plans.
Yeah, this sounds like exactly the bigger issue that's sort of connected to the other one. You are doing better and want to enjoy that. Not to say that you and your 17 year old boyfriend didn't have a good relationship up to now, but it seems you're ready to move on.

However, the 25 year old dude doesn't seem like a step towards more mature guys but rather a funky situation. (I don't mean to rule out dating older people, but I did have a bad experience. When I was 19, I dated a 25 year old guy, whom I realize now was less mature at 25 than I am now at 22...?)

quote:
I guess I feel like I am depriving myself. I am doing so good with my bipolar and depression. I can handle things a little better now and I actually care about the future.
This is truly wonderful progress, great to hear! Why not enjoy it as a single? Because that's fun, too. Go on dates, get out and have fun (or stay in at home and craft all night), but do what you want and enjoy, well, enjoying it!

quote:
I guess what I am asking is . . Am I just questioning my boyfriend because I know there is a guy who is stable, on his own, independent, committed, etc. who is completely inlove with me and I know he can give me the life I want?
Well, he may be on his own but I wouldn't call him stable, and that he's more needy than independent, more obsessed than committed.

You saw the other stuff I wrote: If you should break up with your current boyfriend, give yourself some time before you get into any new relationship. Really, dating can be fun and a way to see what else is out there, which is more than your 17 year old boyfriend and 25 year old interest. I'd also talk about the 25 year old with your doctor and get her/his feelings about all this. See how s/he feels about all the 15 voice mails and stuff.

And, again, congrats for feeling better! A huge step, and definitely something to enjoy. Just make sure to watch out for yourself so you don't get into relationships or situations that might make you start feeling worse. (Speaking from personal experience.)

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 01-20-2006).]


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oOo Lea oOo
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Wow. . Thanks SO much. I knew what I should do, it just took me reading what you wrote to make it seem right. (Hope that makes sense) I am definitely going to cut things off with that guy (actually there is nothing to cut off, but I am going to tell him I can't see him anymore. ) Also, I am going to try to focus on me, not a relationship. I think I am going to tell my boyfriend I need space. I dont want to break it off with him because I DO love him very much. But everyday after work I am with him until it is time for me to sleep, do laundry, clean, eat, anything. we usually spend from 5pm when I get home til 8 - 9 together every day, and all weekend. I think I am going to take today for me. Actually, I am going to take a weekend for me. Which will be great because next weekend I will be away Thurs - Mon on a skiing trip without my boyfriend. Just me and a few girls from college, and my best friend and her husband. So it will give me this weekend alone, 4 days with my boyfriend, and then 4 days alone again to sort out my feelings and figure myself out. Good idea. Great advice. Thanks so much!

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peaches44
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It sounds like you may have already made up your mind on this but I thought I would post this anyway.

I kind of think that you need to totally separate the different aspects of this dilemma.

1) You need to look at the big picture for yourself first because whether you are with someone or single you need to decide exactly what you want out of life for YOU. Close your eyes and pretend that neither of the guys exist for a moment and think of your dreams and goals.

2) Next take a good look at your boyfriend and think about why you are having doubts. If it is just because he is not at the same point in his life as you are then decide whether that will affect your goals in life. You may find that your lives are more in sync than you think. For example, if you want to get married sometime in the next 5 years, and not have kids until after that, then maybe he has time to go to college and get his life started and you can still both have what you want together.

3) think about this other guy as a completely separate problem. If it wasn't for your doubts about your future with your boyfriend would you even be giving him a second thought?? does he really have the qualities that you want in your partner or is it just because he's there, showering you with gifts and love at the exact time your are thinking about these other things?? You said that you find it hard to trust people which probably means that you don't have a lot of people that you trust. And if he is a good friend maybe cutting him off entirely isn't the answer yet. Try telling him the truth first. Just let him know that you have some things to figure out at the time being and his advances are making your life more difficult. Tell him straight up that you want to be JUST FRIENDS. If he doesn't get the picture after that THEN sever contacts with him.

Well I don't know if that helps at all but that's what I think I would do.


Posts: 50 | From: Alberta Canada | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
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Yes. It helps. Thank you!! Thank you both!! I think you are right. I think I was just worried about the way things would end up in the end: my life, where I was going to be in a few years, if my boyfriend could be apart of the life I want, if our relationship will interfere with my goals. I think I am going to take some space when I go on my trip. Let it be about me. I think I might tell my boyfriend exactly what is going on and how I feel. (and the same with my friend) I think if they both know how I feel than it will be easier to decide what is best for me (and my boyfriend as well) My friend called me a moment ago and I told him he needed to back down a little. Evidentally he called me 3 times while i was away this afternoon at lunch and running errands for my office and my boss was a little upset and told him never to call back. I told him he needed to give me some room to breathe, that I am getting too crowded, and I can't give him exactly what he expects from me. Then he asked me out tonight, just to see a movie and get something quick to eat. I told him I had a lot on my mind and I just couldn't do it. I hated the way he sounded on the phone afterwards. I hate hurting people and I am afraid I am going to hurt him. But then again (I hope this isn't selfish), Right now I am what is important and I need to start considering my happiness as well. Right now I need to focus on MY life and well...my relationship. I am going to think about my goals and my dreams. I want to also talk to my boyfriend about his goals and what he wants with his life. I think we are really serious, but I am not sure if he thinks of the things I do. I am at the point in my life where I want to settle down and be committed. I guess I was a bit foolish to think I couldn't wait for him. I mean, he is my everything. I mean, yea I am ready NOW to start my life, and be independent and committed . . but its not like I am going to break up with my boyfriend, go out and find a guy that I fall inlove with and who falls inlove with me, get the trust and the history my boyfriend and I have, have this perfect relationship, get married, buy a house, and have kids today! It takes time! By the time I finish all of this, It would have taken up enough time in my life to where I COULD have done it with my boyfriend. I mean, am I right? Does this make sense? I think I need to talk to my boyfriend. I know I need to. Thank you both for your help. I dont know what I would have done without you! Thanks so much, again!

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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