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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Can't stop! HELP

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Author Topic: Can't stop! HELP
curlyQtee
Neophyte
Member # 26733

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I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. It's like I have this I don't know if you would call it like anxiety about him. I feel like I need to be with him all the time and if i'm not I wonder what he is doing. I can't stand when he goes out with his friends because i'm constantly worried that he will pick up some chick or get drunk and have sex with some one or go to a strip bar with his friend. And I make up scenarios in my head about him being with other girls and I have dreams about him being with other girls. In a sense you could say I'm really paraniod and I want to believe him when he tells me he's been somewhere but i feel like he could be lying to me and i wouldn't know it. Don't get me wrong i think my boyfriend is so great and I really feel bad for making assumptions that might not be true but i don't know how to stop of get over it because they could be true. The thing that really got me though was i told him that i was having bad dreams about him with other girls and then he goes and asks me who they are with and if he knows her.

I also have another problem with my anger towards him. Tonite for instance he told me he was going out with his friend for his friend's b-day but he said he would stop by my house first to see me for a little. Well at that time he was on the computer playing computer games which was around 5:45pm. He then waited until 7:30pm to call me, after i was already for him to come over and excited, to tell me that he is getting ready now and won't be able to come see me. Well i flipped out and was like why did you wait until the last minute to start getting ready when you could have been doing that when you were playing computer games. And i said i think your computer games are more important than i am. Then he goes excuse me for wanting to unwind like he couldn't have unwound with me watching tv or something. But i felt bad afterwards like i jump down his throat and i often feel like that after we have an argument.

Please someone help me because i feel like i'm getting out of hand and soon he's going to get sick of me if he isn't already and i'm going to lose him. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.


Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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What else do you have going on in your life?

In other words: do YOU have your own circle of friends you see often? Your own interests, hobbies, creative endeavors, maybe a volunteer job, etc?


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curlyQtee
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Member # 26733

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well right now my work is closed for a month, but yes i have a job it's only weekends tho. I have friends but they are all away at college, and I don't really hang out with any one from my college either. I guess what you are getting at is that I have nothing else better to do and I should find something?
Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

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Essentially. Worrying constantly about your boyfriends wherabouts isn't healthy for you or him. Acting as paranoid as you are could be classified as controlling, and that would drive him away. Has he ever given you reason to suspect anything?

Occupying yourself with a hobby, friends, a job, ect could keep you from worrying about what your boyfriend is doing.

It's okay for him to play computer games, or go out with his friends, and have a good time without you. It doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you. I"m not seeing a lot of trust from you concerning your boyfriend.


Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Not so much that you have nothing better to do.

Rather, that if someone not only becomes the center of your world, but the WHOLE of your world, it's going to enable dependency and the kinds of things you're experiencing. Loneliness enables dependency. It was pretty easy to guess just from this one post that this was likely part of what was going on.

Having friends around also means that other people who care for you can call you back to earth when you're clearly going deep end.

Plus, okay sure: having something to do besides sitting by the phone? Helpful.

No intimate relationship is helped when one or both partners don't have full lives outside of the relationship, other friendships, other aims and goals. So I'd start by seeking out some new friendships if all your old friends have parted. Get out, on your own. Nab a very part-time volunteer gig, where you can do something you care about AND meet some new people. Talk to people in your classes, go to meetups. Et cetera.

And do yourself and your relationship a break: when you have the crazy paranoia? Write it down, don't bring it to your partner. And if you need solid plans, not something casual? Then ask for a commitment to a time and place: if you can't get it a given evening, then you don't need to commit to being home either.

In a word, reclaim your own life, for yourself. I assure you, it'll make a huge difference.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-14-2006).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curlyQtee
Neophyte
Member # 26733

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Thanks for your advice. I guess I really do need to find other things to do rather than worrying about him. Maybe that will show him a different side of me because I know he questioned my trust for him before.
Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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