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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » girl BS, i'm desperate

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Author Topic: girl BS, i'm desperate
L0v3Drunk
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Okay.. I hope I'm not totally alone here but I have this REALLY super awesome, once-in-a-lifetime guys and I really don't wana lose him. But I have this thing I do where I pretty much hate all his 'female friends' and I get jealous and all that GREAT stuff. I know it's impossible to not feel that way but how do you guys deal with it? I don't wana overstep my boundaries or screw anything up with him, so any advice would be great. I guess I've been doing an OK job.. (lol..???) but I'd like to improve. He's friends with a girl that I'm mortal enemies with and so he feels really torn sometimes, but I just can't handle some of the crap that he does when it comes to her. I understand they're friends and I'd never be stupid enough to try and stop that but it's so hard to grin and bear it when you're just mad as hell on the inside! There's another perticularl girl that I don't like, this girl he insists on telling all our personal buisness to. He begged me if he could tell her when we had sex the first time, "because she tells him everything and that's the kinda relationship they have". It drove me nuts, because I wanted to keep it personal.. But I let him tell her but it really bothered me. That may make him sound a lil inconsiderate, but it's not about him it's about his lil girly friends I needa deal with.. lol. SORRY for the longish post, hope ya'll been in the same boat and got some good insights! Take care thanks in advance.
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DarkChild717
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Just a tip for the future-paragraphs are your friend.

It is a conundrum. You simply do not get along with his friends, but you won't tell him to stop seeing them.

However, it was rather insensitive of him to "kiss and tell" with someone he knows you don't like. Are you willing to be with someone who is insensitive to your wishes?

You didn't mention how long you've been dating, but you need to ask yourself wether or not this is a place you want to be. If it is, perhaps it isn't to late to forge a relationship with this other girl, and repair what is broken there.


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L0v3Drunk
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Well actually, I did try 'making peace with the enemy' but I don't really know what it changes.. I guess we just won't verbally attack each other in public anymore, instead we smile and talk to each other like we're friends, but we both know we're not. I did that for him b/c I didn't wana be the bitch girlfriend that his friends complain about.. But I'm REALLY suckin it up.

He says he is happy about it and he's glad, but that just seems to piss me off more.. the fact that he does that. I'd rather just have him not happy about it instead, or just not bring it up. Cuz it's a real kick in the face for me, to bite my tongue this hard.

And as for the girl I didn't want him to discuss our personal life with, she doesnt even know me but she looks at me like she does.. I duno, she does some things that I don't like people doing, and I just don't like her overall attitude. And her 'relationship' with _my_ boyfriend.

He IS considerate, just not with some things especially concerning his friends. He doesn't really know where to draw the line in what he tells them, to him 'kissing and telling' isn't any big deal. But I let it slide since he's got this complex with his friends, he thinks if he stops telling them things they will get offended and get all pissed at him. (What's it with girlfriends and their boyfriends friends always battling each other? I hate it. )

Anywho thanks for responding


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DarkChild717
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Have you considered printing out your response and handing it to him? There's a fine line between being a "bitch girlfriend" and being the girlfriend who's hurt at her boyfriend's actions. It's okay to be the latter, and he should understand that.

Remind him that a personal life is what it says: *personal*. Sharing it with someone who you do not trust is a breach of relationship trust, and for you, that's not okay. In the same aspect that you respect him by keeping peace with this other girl, he should respect you enough to keep your going's on private.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One thing I am noticing is that you're making this about the girls when it sounds pretty clearly that it's about your boyfriend and you two working out boundaries that work for you both.

Other women aren't your enemy. Seriously.

"Mortal enemy?" Did she kill your family? I'm not meaning to make you feel silly, but life isn't an epic battle or trash TV, and often it helps a lot when people get caught up in these dymanics to take a reality check and ground; to remember that other women are whole people, not just competition for your boyfriend's attention. The high road is really a good place to be, and a lot of the time when one person takes it, others follow gladly.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-14-2006).]


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mix_tape
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Wow, the situation you just described is almost identical to mine! I just thought you'd like to know that you're definitely not the only girl going through this sort of thing.

My boyfriend has lots of friends that happen to be girls. I have a few guy friends, but we don't talk about sex and personal stuff like my bf does with his friends. My ex best friend is still his friend and is constantly getting in our business. I can't ask him to stop being friends with her for fear of being called that controlling bitch girlfriend you described, plus that's unfair for him. It's really tough trying to balance everyone, when all it really should come down to is being happy with your boyfriend, not dealing with the other girls.

My boyfriend also has this girl friend that is VERY sexually active with her boyfriend. They are very open about it. When my bf and I had sex for the first time he wanted to tell her so she could give advice to him I guess. I thought it was a personal experience and he shouldn't tell her, so he held off. However, I think he eventually did.

Anyways, I don't know if this helped, probably not, but I just thought you'd like to know lots of other girls have to deal with this type of situation. The only thing that should matter is your relationship with your boyfriend. If you trust him then there is nothing to worry about!


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Heather
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quote:
It's really tough trying to balance everyone, when all it really should come down to is being happy with your boyfriend, not dealing with the other girls.

But the thing is, no one lives in a vacuum. When you commit to a partnership, you commit to that person's whole life (and they yours), which means their friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, the whole lot. And given more than half the world is made of women, a lot of those people will be women.

Do you have other things to do in your life besides your boyfriend and boys? here's hoping. Thing is, so do other women. I hate to beat a dead horse, but it's not just about trusting the boyfriend: it's about unlearning a lot of cultural tripe about women being your enemies or competition, about learning to trust the women in your life -- and your partner's -- too. And not just to look more malleable to a boyfriend, or less controlling, to improve the quality of your own life vastly.

Boyfriends, especially in your teens and twneties, often come and go, and enjoyment of relationships while you have them is helped a lot by not getting caught up in crapola that keeps everyone from enjoyment of them. On top of that, women are women's allies when we let them be, when we act like allies themselves, and tend not to ACT defensively when we don't approach defensively.

It's hard to get there in our culture, especially when you;re younger and everywhere you look there is some covert or overt message that tells women not to trust one another. But that message isn't out there because it's true: it's out there because it serves an agenda for another group entirely. Don't mean to go all radical feminist on you, but it's something so many women find out so late and are so sad it took them so long to get to, usually at the expense of great, lasting female friendships and a LOT of wasted energy on the wrong things. Just think about it.


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L0v3Drunk
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I just label her my 'mortal enemy' to just stress the point that me and this girl do NOT get along, period. I'm aware that she's a person and all that but she is a person who is very manipulative and knows how to get in the way. My boyfriend doesn't know where to draw the line and it bothers me that she chooses these perticular girls to confide my person life in. OUR personal life, means it's half mine. And I think that since we don't both agree to share it w/ certian people, and if he does anyway that's automatically betraying me and what we have.

And since I posted last, that girl has been trying to weasel her way into our relationship even more, she straight up told him that if he were to ever 'do anything' with me then she would 'hunt me down' and 'kill him' for it. Her boyfriend sees things the way I do for the most part, because she doesn't know how to keep her relationship with him personal either, she invites everyone into her problems, and he doesn't like it at all and I sympathize with him alot. Anyway he's told her 'why don't you just leave their relationship alone?' and she goes "What are you talking about!? It's my relationship too!!"

... I was so freakin mad she had that kinda nerve. It pissed my boyfriend off too but I guess at the time he didn't think anything of it, cuz he's never confronted her about any of this. (remember, he feels that if he flat out tells people it's none of their business --even though it ISNT-- they will take a huge amount of offense and dislike him for it.)

SO in any case I've really made no progress on this situation, and it's really getting me down. But thank you to everyone who responded I appreciate it =]


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DarkChild717
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Perhaps it's time for you to decide--do you want a relationship between you and a parter, or a partner plus one? Because that's what I'm seeing here.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but this is clearly making you unhappy. I'd suggest that you inform your boyfriend that if he can't draw the line, you will.

I know it's "letting her win", but some battles are better left unfought.

I also suggest you make a list of what you love best about your partner, and keep it close to you. Someone else exists with those qualities, I assure you.


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L0v3Drunk
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Yah good news finally! He told me that it came up again between them and he flat out told her it was none of her business. She put up a fight but he didn't back down and I was so happy !!! Definately a good thing.

And I would never make him choose me or her, and I'd never dump him because of it. But it's just nice to be able to complain about it sometimes to someone other than him because it just makes us fight. Getting it out say on here, really HELPS!.. thanks guys


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