I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now.
We've gone trough a lot of things, both good and bad. But I've started to doubt if this will ever work or not.
My problem is that my girlfriend doesn't want to take any responsibility in any arguments, or situations where her actions hurt me. I'm devastated about the fact that instead of fixing problems she is more intrested in finding out who to blame, so that she can feel better knowing "she didn't do anything". I focus on improving things, "so that it doesn't happen in the same way again", while she wants me to just say everything is my fault, and she hasn't done anything. At least that's how I feel.
Today she told me that she has never argued with her parents, about that she has done anything wrong. Even though I find that difficult to believe, it can be true. ( I think more about that she never took the responsibility of it)
If we end up arguing, she is always avoiding the issues that she has no answer but herself in. For example, her starting point is always: You did this, so I became angry at you, and that's why you got hurt. While I'm thinking: If I did that, then I'm truly sorry. ( I don't blame her for my actions), and I don't believe in blaming other people for your own actions. To me it's just like saying, "I killed him because he hit me"....Like there were no other choices he could make.
What bothers me also is that she is expecting an apology, always, and if she doesn't get one when she thinks she should have it, she starts demanding it. I'm a person that do apologize, but I do it when I'm ready and when I really see what I did wrong, and why I did wrong (Usually takes between a few hours and a day). Also it depends on how the other person is behaving. If he/she understands me (doesn't have to agree though) I can easily apologize. But simple demand, makes me very unwilling. Why can't she take the step and apologize, I'm sure that it would open my heart much more... I don't force her to do it though, nor do I ask for it.
I believe in compromise, and in doing what's best for both. Not who is right and who is wrong. However I feel that my girlfriend is always "the winner", always the one that has never ever done anything wrong, and that everyone else is to blaim.
To me, taking responsibility upon my own actions is something very obvious. It is also obvious that I'm trying to do my best to get everything to be best. But that doesn't make me more right. She at the other hand gets devastated and says that she really really tries to do her best, which I never ever think any diffrent of. I believe that trying to do best, isn't the same thing as always doing the right thing. Many people try their best, but they do wrong, they hurt someone else, I do that too, but I'm willing to see that and to do something about it. My gf is not, if she has done her best, she has, no matter if it hurts me or not, which is true, but the thing she did had a price, it became best, but at expense of my feelings, and that's wrong.
I don't know what to do anymore, she doesn't seem to be able to put herself into my shoes, and see a situation from my perspective. But she is good at jundging me, and telling me what's wrong with my values. I simpy can't connect those two together...
I strongly feel that my girlfriend is willing to completely run over my feelings in order to make herself feel better. That's heartbreaking. I've tried telling her all of this, and putting an effort of explaining to her that I do know that she always tries to do her best, but she can't understand it when it hurts my feelings. I respect her, I don't yell, I don't lie, I don't tell her stupid things. Neither does she, so that's at least something good. But the rest, I really don't know... What should I do ?
BTW that smiley, isn't appropriate for this post...
[This message has been edited by Ghosty (edited 01-12-2006).]
Per the smiley, yeah, we know. It's being worked on.
Unfortunately, if she is unwilling to accept responsibility for her actions, there's not much you can do about it. You can't make her, and you've said that communication isn't working. In doing so, she's hurting you, and that's not okay.
I'd suggest trying one more time to explain to her how she is hurting YOU. I also think that isn't a healthy relationship for you, and though it will hurt now, it will be better for you in the long run to find someone who is mature enough to take responsibility for their actions. Tell her as such. Issue that ultimatum. If she doesn't begin, you'll be stuck in the same role for the duration of your relationship.
Even so, you'll help her, too. Perhaps loosing you would help her understand her behavior is detrimental. I'd imagine if she does it to you, she might do it to a boss, or co-workers, and that could get her fired.
ghosty dont worry i know exactly what you mean my girlfirend does the same thing also and i get really confused sometimes but i really like her so i just deal with it.
Posts: 20 | From: Nevada | Registered: Nov 2005
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i couldn't agree more with darkchild...it doesn't sound like she is acting maturely in the least, and she is harming you in this relationship. i had a boyfriend like that once, and i felt doubtful of myself at times and angry at him for being so selfish and demanding. although it hurt to finally break it off with him, i got over it and became much happier in the long run. she has no right to demand apologies and make you feel like you're wrong constantly. it's very immature and hard to just deal with and brush aside...it doesn't work, it only gets worse. i found the only way to deal with it was to try to fix it through talking, (and arguing), and if that didn't work, then i had to end it. i hope you can make things work out and find yourself happier! good luck.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by firefox1337: ghosty dont worry i know exactly what you mean my girlfirend does the same thing also and i get really confused sometimes but i really like her so i just deal with it.
Well honestly, everything has a price. I've dealt with this for 3 years. She is my first girlfriend. I strongly believe that what she is doing is very wrong. However like the second poster said, It is not my duty to fix her really.
My choice is either to deal with it, or end the relationship. I don't know which one yet, but it has gone 3 years and this behavior has only improved slightly. So what I really need to do is either put an ultimatum, or end it. Cause I don't want to live feeling like an looser for the rest of my life, I don't think it's worth it.
Ghosty you sound like a dream.. I hope she comes to her senses. Maybe your girlfriend really feels bad on the inside for what she knows she did (and doesnt wana admit) so she places the guilt onto someone else. Or maybe she's just emotionally 'disconnected' somewhere and doesn't even know she's doin anything wrong. But I'd try to sit down and seriously talk to her, but I wouldn't make it sound like an altumatum cause chances are she'll get scared or defensive and it will just create more troubles. Just try talkin about the problem of taking responsibility. If you truely love her and you know she really does love you then do all you can! Talk it out, do anything. I wish you luck!
Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by L0v3Drunk: Or maybe she's just emotionally 'disconnected' somewhere and doesn't even know she's doin anything wrong.
You re right about that one, I truly believe that she isn't aware of the problem, because acknowledging it, would mean that she is the one responsible for it. I've tried to talk to her, but as soon as I get to the point, she turns the issue around making it into a topic, so I never get an answer. Even if I do, it can be applied to someone else, but not her.
The thing with responsibility in my opinion is. That you can't change what you feel, but you can choose how you re going to act. She at the other hand doesn't agree with it at all. If she isn't performing well in school, it's not her problem, it's the teachers that are to blaim "They aren't good". But If I fail in a subject, I think that sure, the teacher could have some things to do with it. But in the end, it is entirely up to me if I*m gonna make it or not.
Really I find myself to be extremely tolerant and understanding, perhaps that's why I'm being the way I'm.
I don't know, but to me this issue seems a lot bigger than it is now. What will happen in the future ? If I put it into a broader perspective. What about kids, job, house, insurance ? Also relations with other people worry me. I'm easy with people, I let them be themselves around me, she is more reserved and doesn't tolerate as much. I got many friends, she just have a few.
I'm worried because responsibility is something good, and I don't fear responsibility. Because you learn by it. But she does, because "What would happen if I did wrong ?"
So talking has been tried for a long time. Would it help her to talk to a proffessional ? I've talked to her about it, she is mostly scared, though thinking that the idea might not be so bad.
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