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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I think I'm paranoid

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Author Topic: I think I'm paranoid
Member # 19107

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Well, Ive been going out with this girl for about 3 months now. Not a long time, but long enough to grow to care about someone. Heres the deal. Ive totally trusted and given myself to two girls in the past. One was with me for 6 months and one for a year. They both cheated on me. They both regret it now and recognize that I did nothing wrong. They just took the relationship for granted. Going into this 3rd relationship, I didnt want the same thing to happen again. I was told by her best friends and MY best friends that she was never the kind of girl to cheat. Well, within the first week of us going out, she kissed her ex. I was really hurt and the story and circumstances were reasonable. I told her that I really didnt think she was that kind of person and that she isnt a horrible person. She just did a horrible thing. We're human and make mistakes. I understand. So I gave her another chance which she wanted more anything and told her shes goimg to really have to work to gain my trust back. Over 2 months later and shes doing great. Because of my ex girlfriends cheated on me, I figured I didnt treat them like I should have. I know this probably isnt the case, but I feel that if I just had this sweep-you-off-your-feet effect on them, they wouldnt have cheated. So I find myself trying to cater to my present girlfriends every whim. We are both really into each other and I realize that, but I am just so paranoid that she will cheat on me again. So much so, that I want to know where she is and what shes doing a lot of the time. I want her to be crazy for me. I know this is a lot to ask of her and I know it probably isnt reasonable, but I guess im still a little insecure. She knows I am too. Is it wrong that Im so nice to her? Hang out with her everytime she wants to? I always make room for her. Or should I make her work for it a little? Once again, that sounds bad, but I think the downfall of my past relationships was that I was always at their disposal.

Bottom line, Im a bit worried. Im really starting to like this girl more and more. I want to be with her all the time. I want her to show me she loves me like I know she does. I dont always want to be the ringleader when it comes to deciding when we should hang out. I want her to come to me sometimes and want to hang out. She doesnt though. I always ask her and she tells me that she always wants to hang out. Maybe Im not giving her time to ask. Im not sure. Im getting more and more confused as I write this. If anyone has any suggestions or advice about any of this, please just post away. I just want to be there for her. I want to try and prevent what has happened in the past. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by TI83Plus (edited 01-11-2006).]

Posts: 124 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Michelle Ravel
Member # 21100

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Hi, TI83Plus. First of all, I’m sorry that you’ve had some relationships not work out in the past.

There were just two things I read in your post that raised a “red flag” for me and I’ll tell you what they are:

>So I gave her another chance which she
>wanted more anything and told her shes goimg
>to really have to work to gain my trust

When your trust is betrayed, it can take some time before you can feel trust with your partner again. It is fair to tell her that it will take time. It is normal to feel hurt.

But please remember that she does not "really have to work.” She doesn’t “owe” you or the relationship anything. You must have an equal partnership if this is going to work, and she can’t be the “bad guy” or the one on “probation” or the one who has to “make it up”. That is not healthy.

That said, you don’t have to pretend this didn’t happen or that you aren’t hurt. You just have to take is slowly, spend time together, and rediscover each other. After awhile, you can see whether the trust is there.

>Is it wrong that Im so nice to her? Hang out
>with her everytime she wants to? I always
>make room for her. Or should I make her work
>for it a little?

Okay, you have given us two scenarios here and neither one is healthy. You are asking us whether you should:

1) Play games with your girlfriend where you cater to her every whim, even when you don’t want to.
2) Play games with your girlfriend where you pretend you don’t want to talk to her or see her, even if you really do. (“playing hard to get”)

Either way, you are playing games! This is never sustainable for long periods of time, because you will make yourself (and her) miserable and confused. Playing games is never the way to “get” or “keep” a girl. Have an honest, equal relationship.

This means you must be honest with yourself and her about what you want. When you want to talk to her or spend time with her, do. When you need some alone time, tell her that. Hopefully, she will do the same for you, and then you guys can compromise. This is the nicest, most relaxing, thing you can do for each other. And it’ll make you so much happier! Because you won’t have to pretend or put up an act. Wouldn’t that be nice?

As for your last paragraph, I understand. I get totally panicked when my boyfriend doesn’t call me as much as I’d like him to, either. It’s no fun if it feels like all give and no take. I don’t have the fix-it for that one: you’re on your own. But it might be comforting to know that this is a very common problem. Someone always wants to get more calls than their partner wants to make.

Okay, that was my, um, 7 cents. (too long a post for 2)

[This message has been edited by Michelle Ravel (edited 01-11-2006).]

Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26575

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guys are kind of like dogs they don't call you or hang with you unless they want something. i.e food or sex, money

Lonely? Had Your Heart Broken? Want to Talk About it and Meet New People?

Posts: 5 | From: evansville in u.s.a | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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(Let's try and stay away from the gender generalizations, eh? Not all guys are the same, just like all women aren't the same.)

[This message has been edited by karybu (edited 01-12-2006).]

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26957

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hi! well, i've never been in a cheating situation, but i know that in any relationship, trust is vital. if you really cared for her, you should trust her and try not to be so afraid of what could happen. i mean, if she cares about you, you don't have anything to be worried about. talk to her about your feelings and past experiences and let her know you are afraid, but try to get over it. not all people are the same.
also, when it comes to wondering whether you're too nice to her or if you should "make her work for it," here's my advice: be yourself! treat her like you would your close friend or even someone you possibly love. if you feel like you should be uberly nice to the person you love, do it. if not, don't go overboard. love is not a game or a competition to win's like this adventure or story that just happens and usually bites you in the *** (in a good or bad way!). people shouldn't have to "work" for should just happen. just be yourself! maybe she doesn't go out of her way to hang out with you because she feels suffocated with kindness, or she just figures you'll call or something. when guys go over the top with affection and kindness, i personally feel like they're trying too hard and not being themselves. just don't worry, be yourself, and try to enjoy your relationship! it can be fun!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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