So here's my dilemma. I met my boyfriend in school years ago. We dated for a short while (but were never officially together), and things ended because we were immature. I never got over him and there wasn't a day that I didn't think of him.
Years later, after we were both out of school, we bumped into each other. I guess you can say sparks flew and a few weeks later we were together. We've been in a loving committed relationship for 2 years now but there is something I cannot get over. When we first met in school we were both innocent and inexperienced. When we met the second time around, he told me about the one and only girlfriend he'd had. He referred to her as his "first love" and he told me how devastated he was after she left him. I felt this awful pang of jealousy.
Later on I came to find out that he lost his virginity to her and to this day i cannot get over it. If this were some guy that I didn't have a past with it wouldn't matter. But it's a different situation. The image I'd had of him all these years was shattered and I was sad and disappointed. And he was only with her for 3 months, which makes me think what was he thinking!! It makes me insanely jealous that he's been intimate with someone else. I made him cut off contact with her (they were still friends). He never talks about her, and I know he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. I know he adores me and I have no reason to distrust him. It's just that I'm jealous of his PAST.
The way I see it, when you give your virginity to someone you will always be tied to that person. I resent him because I gave him my virginity and he couldn't do that in return. I can't help but be angry because it should have been me, not her. I resent him because while he stayed in my heart all these years, he moved on. I wish so badly that he would tell me "She was a mistake, I regret it", but he's never told me that. I can't stand the thought of him having been so intimate with someone else. I know I'm doing this to myself. I know I should be grateful that life gave us a second chance and forget about the past. But it's not that easy!Help!!
[This message has been edited by Casey (edited 01-05-2006).]
The way I see it, when you give your virginity to someone you will always be tied to that person.
I understand that this is the way YOU see it, but you have to understand that this is not the way everyone else views this. Does it look like your BF is still tied to this girl? You 'made him' cut off all contact with her and he doesn't mention her anymore. How tied to her do you really think he is? If it were really that important to him, don't you think he would be with her, instead of you?
Why did you agree to 'give him your virginity' if you resent him and his views on this so much? I'm assuming you knew he was not a virgin when you two had sex ... And yet, you're holding it over his head now.
I think you're being unfair. I'm sure he didn't do this on purpose to hurt you, and he cannot take back the past. What do you really expect him to do?
[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 01-05-2006).]
"I wish so badly that he would tell me "She was a mistake, I regret it", but he's never told me that."
Easy or not you really really need to let this go. Honestly I belive that it is very unfair to even ask such a thing or expect one. If I was in a relationship that ended, no matter what reason, honestly I would feel much better about myself knowing that the relationship ended because of reasons, and not going back to it and telling myself that it's a misstake. I would rather experience a misstake, than living with one in the past!
You don't have any right to own this guy "in the past", you and him are only responsible from the day you start seeing eachother or got together with eachother.
What would you think if you met a boy that you love very much, told him that you've had a relationship before, lost your virginity, and he respons to it "I can't be together with you because you have something in common with someone else" ? Wouldn't that give you a feeling that instead of being an asset, an experienced person that has grown more. You become something that just was "used" and can't be used again ?
Think about it. Or leave the boy and try to find someone who is a virgin so that you can feel that "he is only mine and special forever"
He wasn't required to pine away for you and keep you in his heart after your first attempt at a relationship ended. He did the emotionally healthy and mature thing to do after your first break-up: he moved on, he got involved with other people, and he made the decisions that were right for him at the time.
You can either grow up and accept that that's what emotionally healthy people do when relationships end and get over it, or you can hold it against him for the rest of his life. One of those decisions will make you happy; the other will leave you a resentful and angry person. Your choice.
Well that's some tough love I know you're all right, I guess it took the advise of strangers to really make me see the situtation from a different angle. I will work my issues out so that I don't jeopardize my relationship. Thanks everyone.
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quote:Originally posted by Casey: Well that's some tough love I know you're all right, I guess it took the advise of strangers to really make me see the situtation from a different angle. I will work my issues out so that I don't jeopardize my relationship. Thanks everyone.
That sounds great! I hope everything goes well! You deserve good and healthy relationship, so do your best to get it that way !
quote:Originally posted by Casey: I will work my issues out so that I don't jeopardize my relationship.
Just a note...as well, don't beat yourself up over this. While your initial thought process may have been irrational and unfair to him, it does not make you a bad person. We sometimes have knee-jerk emotional reactions to things that spring up from a variety of places (the way we were raised, our beliefs, our values, past experiences, etc.). And we can't always immediately control those responses or move far enough away to understand them. So you are not a bad person for having experienced this thought process. And you know, there are a lot of people out there who would not have the courage to think about it carefully or ask for an outside opinion.
Thanks KittenGoddess. I know I've been selfish. I drive myself crazy thinking that I don't compare to her and it eats away at me. I hope I'm not the only one that goes through this. But like I said, I know I do this to myself and I've gotta find a way to work through it.
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It might help to think about the fact that by the time you're dating in, say, your thirties, pretty much EVERYONE you date, including you, will have had previous partners.
And really, that pretty much never makes the current partners less important.
You'll also find as you get older that very few people ARE inexorably linked to the person they had any form of sex with for the first time. Heck, I've written about my first-time intercourse, which was not only in no way dramatic and high-falutin, I can easily forget the last name of my partner for that. And again, that's not unusual, especially since for a whole lot of people, the best sex they ever had, and the most intimate, is VERY rarely the first sex they had (to say the least). The best partner we ever have is very rarely our first partner: how could it be? We're just starting to feel out how to manage relationships then; we usually have very little concept of who a good fit for us is, what a good relationship even is. And you BOTH have years to get to that place, still.
So, you're right: you probably DON'T compare to her... because your partner likely doesn't compare you.
Love isn't a scarcity economy, and neither is sex. There's nothing we can "give away" once that we're then out of. That's one of many reasons why "virginity" is a really flawed concept to begin with.
Perhaps it will help you see that others experience the same problem, and you can see what others have posted towards it as well.
Oh--- and thanks to everyone who replied to this specific post, especially Miz Scarlet regarding virginity, as that is food for thought and something I've often thought about as well as studied. (yet, somehow, sadly, am still deeply emotionally affected and indoctrinated by the media and society's branding of virginity)
I am in a sort of similar position (only not truly). I am an insanely jealous person and I am definitely jealous of my boyfriend's past, but I understand how ridiculous this is. I guess for folks like us, we just have to somehow get past the past. My situation is slightly different, in that he did tell me she was a mistake and he didn't really want to do it, and it was his only option so that the girl wouldn't dump him. (which I know is a completely wrong reason for having sex anyway). So I shouldn't feel jealous and I really don't, but still I felt completely insulted at first when he went so fast with her and he wanted to take things slower with me, however, now I understand it more. I think I've come to realize I have absolutely no reason to be jealous/fear his past, because it is the present that matters, right?
I also know how hard it can be to idolize a person for litteraly years, too. Its kind of sad when after years of thinking and sort of putting them on a pedestal, they aren't quite what you had imagined (what I like to call the Great Gatsby effect). With my ex-boyfriend, I waited out his relationship with a girl for a year and a half, and when I finally saw him again after that there wasn't anything between us, and it was terrible. I'm glad you are with the one you've thought about for all those years, but sometimes that can make the situation worse (as you've seen). Just try to concentrate on the present.
The past is the past. The present and the future is what you make of it. You guys are TOGETHER now.
I'm the other way. I've been with three guys. I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend who was also a virgin as well. The 2nd one was a close male friend of mine. The third one is my partner of almost 5 years.
My SO is the one that was the virgin one in our relationship when we started going out. Similar to your situation. I knew about him being a virgin, and he knew about me being experienced. We both didn't really expect to share everything with just ONE person. But as life went on, he ended up giving his to me. It didn't matter to him that I had already given mine away.
The nighit we did it the first time together as a couple, it was amazing. Sex became making love. Something that I didn't experience in my previous sexual experiences. We were (and still are) in love and loved each other truly 100% in every single way, shape and form of who we are. That's what made sex even more special and so much more like emotional. We had that amazing connection.
Anyway, so basically what I am saying. You cherish that your partner is with you now and you make the experiences of what you two share together cherished and truly out of love to the fullest. I love my partner so deeply and so does he. Love takes over sex really.
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