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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Falling for the wrong guys

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Author Topic: Falling for the wrong guys
insomniac242424
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Typical teenage girl problem: It always seems that I'm falling for the wrong guys. Either they live..miles and miles away, or they have a girlfriend. The online relationship is the category my current problem falls into. For the past month or so I fell for a guy, and we've flirted, and I was aware that he treated me how he treats other girls he knows. He made me feel like I was the only one who mattered, and he really made he happy. I've also had some big medical problems, and he was always there to reassure me I'd make it through.

Last night somehow, I told him how I felt. That I fell for him. Hard. He let me know that he liked me a lot, but it wouldn't work. That he's tried online relationships before. I understand his point of view, but I can't help feeling as upset as I do. Last night I had trouble sleeping because of this, and I couldn't stop crying. I'm not sure if it's normal to be this affected by a person I've never actually met, but I was heartbroken.

I'm looking for help how I can get over this realization that he doesn't want an online relationship, and how to deal with the fact that things between me and him, a very close friend, are going to be different. Basically I just need someone to talk to...

[This message has been edited by insomniac242424 (edited 12-28-2005).]

[This message has been edited by insomniac242424 (edited 12-28-2005).]


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Ghosty
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You re probably falling for the "wrong" guys, because on the surface everything is neat and perfect, without any problems.
On line relationships are often very romantic and very "perfect". But when the people meet, they get often dissapointed.

This isn't always 100% the case but I only do have one friend that actually met a guy on line and that she fell for, and that they re still together after more than 4 years. (Long distance relationship)

What you should do is to set up some basic rules for yourself.
You can't affect the way you feel, but you can choose wether you will act upon those feelings or not, and that's where you need to become better.

You need to stop expecting so much. My best friend did, he was looking for a girlfriend, heartbroken over that another girl kindly declined. He met a lot of people, but no relationship. (I should mention that he is very very social, and has a lot of friends)
But the day he "gave up" on searching, he found a partner.
And today they've been together for over a year.

I think you need to get realistic, and settle with "what's best for you" rather than "that looks perfect".

That's how I've come to see things, out of own experience. And it worked for me.

And if you need to talk "more" just continue posting.


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insomniac242424
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If an online relationship did come out of this, or any other long distance friendship, I wouldn't meet the person because I'd be afraid of something going wrong. And I make that /very/ clear when I'm talking to the people. It would be a relationship, yes, but of course not a normal one. Just a little elevated from a regular friendship. I don't expect it to be perfect, or as romantic as an 'actual' relationship. It would be very different.

Seeing, feeling, hearing, touching, and just being with a person offline would be euphoric for me. I'm just not..socially...able to put myself out there. Online things are a more safe thing for me, and seem easier. Iknow it's not normal, or healthy, but it's what I'm prepared for now and I'm comfortable with that.

A real relationship would be so much for me at once. I never even go out with people on a friendly level, let alone romantic. I'm not comfortable with myself, so I would definately not be comfortable being so close to another person.


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-Jill
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It sounds like you're not ready for a relationship right now. Being comfortable with yourself is a huge part of any relationship so I think that's the place to start.

I also think it's necessary to have real-life relationships with friends. Seeing people socially is an important skill but it's something you only learn by actually doing it.


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Deunan Knute
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I know how you feel. Most of my friends are online friends and I used to rarely hang out with real people. When I met who would soon be my boyfriend, the only way we could talk was through AIM since he was an hour's drive away. Just talking to each other for hours on end online brought us really close, when we had only met in person once before.

The first step for you to take would be to find a way to meet people in person. Preferably people who don't live too far away from you. And if you'd like, you can exchange online screen names. It seems you might be more comfortable and relaxed with opening up to people when talking online(it's that way for me).


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insomniac242424
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The medical problems I've been having stops me from going to school. And that was the only place I spoke to people. I went to someone's house once or twice, and it was very uncomfortable for me... I've always been fine with staying at home, and talking to people online. And it's weird because after I posted this board I don't feel fine with just that, and I want something else.
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Ecofem
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How about volunteering somewhere once a week or so as a start? As a way to meet potentional friends/aquaintances/just get out! What are you interested in, and what you would you be able to do? How about shelving books at a library, walking dogs at an animal shelter, etc.?
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insomniac242424
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Haha..Ironic how you picked the two things I would absolutely LOVE to do... Books and dogs...my favorite things in the world. I tried the animal shelter once, but they gave me some reason as to why I couldn't help. (Age or insurance..something along those lines)


I am part of a library group though. There are...four of us in the group..Including me. Just a liiitle pathetic... But you know how there are just some people you cannot stand? That's how one girl there is... The other I have her screenname, but she never comes onlines.. And the guy in the group I don't think has internet...Because I have his screenname but he doesn't go on at all... And the group we have meetings once a month, but never really do much...


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Ghosty
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I would have replied here earlier, but somehow I never seem to be able to find the threads I'm looking for

The other posters are right, you can only get confortable being around other people, by being around them.

Being in a library group, is a great place to start. But I do have some serious questions for you.

Are you absolutely sure that you want to meet other people ? That you really feel that "That's what I want" ?
(I don't mean bf/gf relationships)

Why aren't you comfortable with yourself ?
Do you have ever a reason to be ?

You really gotta start believing in yourself and your abilities. Of course the medical issues can be a problem for you, but I seriously doubt that it is impossible to overcome.
My mom has an illnes where she just can't lift things or use force, somedays even our little bird is to heavy for her to carry on her finger.
Even though, she has found things she likes, and she is still happy with herself.
Of course she can have a bad day when she sees grandma carrying like 10 bags from the grocery, while she can't take one.

Meeting people on line, is a great way to get to know yourself a bit more, and to "dare" being yourself. But remember, it is just a wall that is being painted. You really need to start seeing people in their eyes, and communicating with them, not only verbaly but also with your expression and your personality.

And another thing that I believe is true.
If you expect people to be open and nice to you, friendly, and caring, they will often be. (Of course there are always some jerks).
But if you see people with mistrust and worry about wether they like you or not, and believing they don't. That fact will be proven true, because people can sense it.

Just be yourself, and be with people that you want to be with. Enjoy and don't worry.
That's the hard part.

The easy part is to get to know more people once you've started.


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insomniac242424
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I want to have friends, and get to be with people. Like, I go out with my family a lot. To parks, the movies, shopping... And I see other kids my age and even younger laughing and having fun with their friends. And I want to do that. I always contradict myself...I want to go out with friends, but I don't want to go out. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone reading this...Barely makes sense to me..

I'm not comfortable with myself because I don't like a lot of things about me. My hair is thick and bushy, I have acne, glasses, I'm awkward and tall... Then I see everyone else around me who used to be awkward changing, and turning beautiful. I've tried new hair things, but it doesn't work because before I can blowdry my hair the power goes out. I have ance medicine which makes things change, but always there's a few that never want to leave. My clothes never seem to fit right, and getting things that I'd love to wear is hard because they are so expensive. I know appearence isn't everything, but in today's world you can't deny that it's a lot. From some people I've spoken to my personality could use some improvements too. The only real problem was that I'm too 'blunt'. I don't have a problem with that. I say what's on my mind not really caring what the outcome is. A few people don't like it though.

When I was at school people always gave me the label 'genius' or something like that. I'm not really all that smart. Not like...7 year old going to college smart. But I do know things, and people take advantage of that. In groups for projects guys I liked wanted to join. I got excited, but then the whole time they kept talking about who was 'hotter' and things to that extent. I didn't really like that so much.


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Ghosty
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You are right when you say you contradict yourself.
You really need to do what it takes to do what you really want!

I read your "I'm not comfortable with myself story". And honestly, it makes me sad. Acne, glasses, akward, tallness, thick hair... Honestly, you have a terrible self image. Acne will go away, your hair is fine, glasses are just fine, choose a pair that you like!
You say you have a few acne that never leave. Honestly my gf has also a few before her period, still it doesn't change my feelings for her, nor should it.
When it comes to clothes, honestly, it's all about prefrence, and I really really doubt that the "clothes" doesn't fit right.
Guess what, I also have clothes, and the most expensive thing I've ever bought was a jacket for 88 $. I always buy cheap clothes, and so does my girlfriend, we hate spending money just for the brand. There are clothes out there for you, that aren't expensive, but nice! The thing is that you probably aren't finding any because you re unhappy with yourself no matter what you try out.

Being "blunt", well you re not alone, and so what if you re a bit blunt ? Honestly if only a "few" people don't like it, why do you even care about them ? Why don't you care about the people that are open ?

Being smart is a great asset for you, but why aren't you being smart about yourself ?
People talking about who is hotter and who is not, that can be disturbing.. I went to a class with 12 girls and only me and my best friend were guys.
I can assure you that there was a lot of talk about who was hotter and who wasn't (the girls did the talking). But when it comes to it, you can always join in and change the subject, or joke about yourself, or simply laugh at it.

Really there are a lot of things you can do to improve your life, and your situation, but you have to really really start caring less about what other people think, about you, and start looking at yourself as a young kind, nice and smart attractive girl!


If you don't like yourself, tell me why should anyone like you ? People will only like you as much as you like yourself...
So stop being a pessimist about yourself, and be an optimist!
Nobody is perfect, and you can't have it all. But you can have much fun and you have much to loose if you keep disliking yourself that much.


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insomniac242424
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Sometimes I get feelings like I look nice, and nothing's wrong. But other times, mostly when I get some sort of rejection from a person, I questions myself. You know how younger kids are always honest? My nine year old sister tells me a lot of the time I'm ugly. On new years eve, a family friend who's a year older then me said I had an ugly face. I know sometimes they joke, but a lot of the time they joke to break the ice about something that's true. My mom is constantly giving me medication for my skin, make-up, hair products; And it bothers me and I've told her that. She just tells me it's because I need to grow up and this will help me mature. I don't like that she can't accept me for what I am, and she doesn't seem to care. The worst things was when she gave me a mirror on Christmas. That hurt me. I don't think it was meant to, but I alwaysread too much into things.

I know my acne shouldn't be an issue but I just want it to go away. It's clearing up on so many kids that used to have a big problem, but nothing is working for me. I've tried proactive, and things similar to that product. I just want it to go away! I can't wear certain clothes that I'd like to because it's on my chest and back, and people really don't want to see red and white and black spots.

When I'm by myself and no one else is in my mind, I like myself. But when I'm thinking about other people who don't accept me, I get very upset.

Attractive... To myself? Sure. To others? No. What good does it do thinking I'm attractive if others don't agree?


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feefiefofemme
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About what you said about your mum: My mum does the same thing. I have pretty bad acne, but usually I don't let it bother me too much. My mum however, is always telling me that I should put more effort into clearing up my face, that if I don't I'll have ugly scarring for the rest of my life. The thing is, I've talked to my facialist about it and she says that my acne really isn't that bad. That if I continue what I'm doing now I should have no scarring whatsoever and my face will clear up. I've told my mum this, but she still won't drop it. It really bothers me. Also, sometimes I'll make a comment about how I should add this or that to my exersize routine and she freaks out. Once I mentioned that I was going to start doing push-ups more often and she talked for a month about how I should start swimming- that it would get rid of the flab on my arms.

Really I'm quite happy with my body. It's just that sometimes (oftentimes) my mum will get a little carried away trying to do things "for my own good."


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feefiefofemme
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BTW, I've got a bit of backne (acne on my back) myself. Don't let it stop you from wearing the clothes you want. Honestly, a lot of people have it and it's almost a sure thing that no one but you will notice yours. Even if they do, it's not such a big deal. As I said, many people have it.
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Heather
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quote:
Attractive... To myself? Sure. To others? No. What good does it do thinking I'm attractive if others don't agree?

A much greater good, actually.

I grew up hearing, for a lot of my adolescence, from most of my family, that I was ugly, too. And often, I believed it. But you know, the second I stopped giving a crap about what others thought and was more invested in just accepting -- even if that didn't always mean feeling good about -- my whole self, my life changed pretty radically.

Part of why is that it is a serious head trip to be caught up all the time in what others think about your attractiveness. There really are very few real, lasting rewards for other people feeling that way solely based on appearance, and a LOT of traps. Like becoming dependent on that extrenal validation. Like making poor choices, not taking care of yourself, harming yourself, or worrying so much about howe you look that you can't be who you ARE because you don't want to let go of the rewards and approval seeiming attractive to others gets you. Like finding out that's fleeting.

It's an interesting thing: if you look historically at many women society has held up as icons of attractiveness, you'll start to notice a pattern. Most of those women were REALLY unhappy, and the more they were accepted based on how they looked, the more unhappy and depressed and lost they often got. Marilyn Monroe, for instance, is a classic example.

So, it's taking you a ittle longer to feel like you're coming into your own than you see it happening for some of your peers. That can be tough, but it's okay, and it'll pass. In fact, they may well go through the same process and feelings you are now, just later on in their lives.

(And if you can ask your Mom to chill in a way she could hear it, it sounds like that'd help you a lot. Hyperfocus on appearance tends to leave no one feeling very good, even beauty queens.)

Hang in there. Honestly, you sound really self-aware, and that's awesome, however challenging it can be. Sounds like you evaluate things smartly and thoughtfully, and that rocks. And as possibly one of the buntest women on the planet, you won't hear me knockin' that. (Even though, yeah, we blunt folk do tend to snack on our feet sometimes.)

Be yourself, and do what you can to learn to enjoy that. Everyone's route there is different, so there's no easy advice on how to get there. But it sure sounds to me like you're a pretty alright person to be.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
"You have to love women who are brave enough to do things so big in a world where women are supposed to be so small." - Andrea Dworkin


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insomniac242424
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I do think of myself as attractive. For the most part. Of course like this morning, I get a pimple in a very annoying place, I do get self-concious. But seriously, I don't think that's such a big deal. And it passed quickly.

I can be pretty outgoing if I'm in the right mood. Some of the problem is that when I'm outgoing around people who I'd love to be friends with, and be around more, I just..don't have the same 'wit' they do. Like those people who use government, and politics, and history to make jokes... I'm not quick like that. But those are the kind of people I'd like to be around. And when I am with them, the conversations go so fast that I just can't keep up.


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by insomniac242424:
I can be pretty outgoing if I'm in the right mood. Some of the problem is that when I'm outgoing around people who I'd love to be friends with, and be around more, I just..don't have the same 'wit' they do. Like those people who use government, and politics, and history to make jokes... I'm not quick like that. But those are the kind of people I'd like to be around. And when I am with them, the conversations go so fast that I just can't keep up.
Hmm... do you mean you "can't keep up" because you don't feel as informed about government/politics/history/etc.? If so, you can work on informing yourself. Reading a major newspaper daily or a weekly news magazine is a great start. And researching specific or random topics on Wikipedia and other (online and paper) encylopedias also helps. (And can be a lot of fun! )

If you feel you aren't so good with quick jokes and witty rebuttals, don't worry! People don't have to be "funny" to be interesting conversationalists... and the world always could use a few more good listeners! It reminds me of my living situation this summer. I had three roommates, including one who was a *wonderful* storyteller, in a sitting on the edge of your seat kind of say (and a good listener, too.) Another wasn't the best at telling stories, she sort of took awhile getting the story out and the conclusion sort of fizzled. You could tell this made her feel bad... But she still was really fun and interesting to talk to. So, my point (can you tell that I'm not a very good storyteller myself? ) is that there are many types of good conversationalists.

If you really want to polish your skills (and a lot of storytelling is practice), you could try your local Toastmasters/Forensics/storytelling/improv group. Or ask to practice and get tips from someone whom you consider a great storyteller, such as Granny Edna or your favorite history teacher. (I understand you're partially homeschooled though?)

...But, you know what, maybe it's not you at all. Honestly, it's probably not. You want to chill with these people, but maybe they're not so friendly or inclusive themselves. And a few, not-so-cool people with whom you can have fun and feel comfortable enough to be yourself sure beat a truckload of "cool," not-so-nice people. Do you think this might be the case?

[Edited for scary overuse of winky-smileys. ]

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 01-03-2006).]


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insomniac242424
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Heh, you're one of the first people I've met to say they aren't inclusive. I've always assumed that, but when my mom took me to the therapist she said I needed to be more outgoing and everyone would include me. I really didn't agree with her on anything... And she enjoyed talking more then listening.

I listen to people a lot. I love to hear a good story. But the thing is I have lots of things to say. I read the news, and I do do that random wikipedia thing It's just when I'm in a group and I try to make the words into an entertaining formation, they just don't work so well.

That's why I like talking online more. When having a conversation while talking if you have something to say, if you don't say it quickly it just sounds stupid. But online, I just process things while I type. It's a slower paced conversation, and I think before I type, not speak.

I want to speak more, but my words get jumbled up. Sometimes I have something good to say, but I just ...forget the word. I know it sounds weird, but I'll be talking about...an elephant (That happened recently) And I couldn't remember. So when that happens I just have to go .."That grey elephant with the trunk" And when I do that it just..seems so socially crippling..

I'm not really aware of any local groups like those... My town doesn't really do that much stuff. With the library they have programs like that though, but for younger kids...

[This message has been edited by insomniac242424 (edited 01-04-2006).]


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by insomniac242424:
Heh, you're one of the first people I've met to say they aren't inclusive. I've always assumed that, but when my mom took me to the therapist she said I needed to be more outgoing and everyone would include me. I really didn't agree with her on anything... And she enjoyed talking more then listening.
I'm sorry to hear this about your therapist; she definitely sounds like a bad match, it'd might be worth trying it again with someone else. Yeah, even the most outgoing people can be really turned off when an openess/friendliness isn't there. But I'm sure there are other people with similar interest/etc. who are more open. This reminds me the situation at my high school: I was super into punk music and the like. However, the so-called "punk" clique at my 2500+ high school was this pretty much an exclusive, not-so-friendly group of guys (with preppy girlfriends to bat.) So instead I was friends with a more mixed, friendly and open group of people.

quote:
I listen to people a lot. I love to hear a good story. But the thing is I have lots of things to say. I read the news, and I do do that random wikipedia thing It's just when I'm in a group and I try to make the words into an entertaining formation, they just don't work so well.
Well, sounds like it's just working on delivery then!

quote:
That's why I like talking online more. When having a conversation while talking if you have something to say, if you don't say it quickly it just sounds stupid. But online, I just process things while I type. It's a slower paced conversation, and I think before I type, not speak.
I've always been a super talkative person (to an embarassingly large degree a times.) But "over the years" I've worked on things and am much less talkative, depending on the situation. I know I can chatter away on tangents with good friends who like this quality in me, just as I like and appreciate their various qualities.

quote:
I want to speak more, but my words get jumbled up. Sometimes I have something good to say, but I just ...forget the word. I know it sounds weird, but I'll be talking about...an elephant (That happened recently) And I couldn't remember. So when that happens I just have to go .."That grey elephant with the trunk" And when I do that it just..seems so socially crippling..

I'm not really aware of any local groups like those... My town doesn't really do that much stuff. With the library they have programs like that though, but for younger kids...


Hey, it's ok. I just sounds like you've got a lot to say/think about! So I think that such a group would be really helpful (and fun) for working on delivery. I believe that many school districts are required to let homeschoolers take electives, such as foreign language and music. You might be able to sign up for a debate, theater, "speech communication" etc. course.

Youth groups such as 4-H often hold youth leadership/Toastmasters workshops open to all, which could be something to look into. If you tell me your town/state/country or general location, I'd be glad to do some internet research on groups for you.

------------------
Urgency always exists/In these rooms/In one's own four walls~Tocotronic


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insomniac242424
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Well I can't go to a therapist anymore. Money's tight and my parents can't do the co-pay every week...

The people I used to hang out with at school were...a major attention seek who went from having Depression to OCD to Schizophrenia to Anorexia, all in the same week... And someone who never spoke at all... That was my alternative to being uncomfortable with the group I wanted to hang out with...

I'm on Long Island, in New York... Suffolk county...

But the thing is when I'm with certain people I can say things I want-- except for an ocassional forgotten word... When I'm with other people, who talking to would be a good thing, I can't. I'm afraid in a group like you've mentioned I would be talking and everything, but I wouldn't be able to carry that outside of there.


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Ecofem
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OK, here are some places to look into for potential public speaking opportunities. In addition to you nearby public school (for theater, debate, etc. classes):

Suffolk County Toastmasters http://www.geocities.com/aneziris/tm/suffolk.htm
Lots of up-to-date information about what a typical meeting is like, neighbor clubs, etc. You could email/call/just show up and ask about what resources they'd have that'd work for you. These people tend to be superfriendly and would surely glad to help you with your interest/lead you in the right direction.

4-H in Suffolk County
Phone: 631-727-7850 http://counties.cce.cornell.edu/suffolk/
You could call and ask if they're holding any county-wide or Toastmasters-cosponsered public speaking/youth leadership workshops in the near future.

Suffolk County Community College
Admissions (631) 451-4000 http://www3.sunysuffolk.edu/index.asp
Students 16 and older, including homeschoolers, could register for a few classes a semester (such as public speaking in the theater department) at the CC near me. You could call admissions to check on the criteria.

Hope this helps lead you in the right direction!


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insomniac242424
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I really..really appreciate you're help with everything. But I can't join the first and last one... I have to be sixteen or eighteen... I've just turned fifteen.

And the 4-H club... I can't find specifics on the site. Isn't that a farming thing?


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Ecofem
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Hey, glad to help!

That's too bad about the age thing, but you still could call Toastmasters to see if they can recommend any youth groups or the like in your are.

Yes, 4-H is traditionally a farming thing (plus stuff like cooking, sewing, etc.) but nowadays is also urban and suburban with a focus in computers/leadership/ecology/consumer education/community service/what have you. While there are clubs where people attend regularly, there are county-wide activities open to everyone. (You might fill out a registration form but would be considered an "independent.") In any case, you could just call the extension office (the number I gave earlier) and ask if they have any public speaking workshops coming up. Where I come from in suburban northern Virginia, there was a 6-week long (free) workshop run through Toastmasters that met once a week January-February-ish.


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insomniac242424
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I love public speaking. Reading and memorizing essays or speeches, and then delivering them is no problem for me. I think basically I need a 'socializing' class, which the 4-H club doesn't seem to offer from what I see on those sites.

This afternoon, I signed myself up for an acting type course... I think you suggested that earlier. Maybe that will help?

The things I need to learn to say quicker and funnier are things like music/movie comments or quotes, and things from politics and history...


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by insomniac242424:
I think basically I need a 'socializing' class, which the 4-H club doesn't seem to offer from what I see on those sites.
A 4-H group would technically also be a form of socializing but I see what you're sayin'.

quote:
This afternoon, I signed myself up for an acting type course... I think you suggested that earlier. Maybe that will help?

Sounds excellent... not to mention fun! From personal experience I'd say that "theater people" tend to be fun and friendly (open to different types of people, too.)[/quote][/b]

quote:
The things I need to learn to say quicker and funnier are things like music/movie comments or quotes, and things from politics and history...

I'm guessing if it's an intro acting class, you'll probably try out some improv, too. And it's all about including references to music/movies/quotes/etc. I love doing improv and belong to a group where I live. I've gotten better myself over the years, and also have learned to better appreciate and understand others' approaches.

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insomniac242424
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Yes, acting people always seem nice and everything. I did a play one time, and they were all really really funny. Sad thing is we never stayed in touch; and for the whole time we reheresed they were all very..very stressed and a bit short tempered.

I'm sure I'll find some people in this club though. I don't know how great I'll be at improv though... I'm better at reading from a script, not making up stuff...

At least by myself anyway. If I was with someone, and we had to act off of each other, I think that would work.


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