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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I really need someone to listen and give their opinions....

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Author Topic: I really need someone to listen and give their opinions....
Member # 26587

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I'll really try to not make this overly long or in depth. I'm not exactly sure how this came into my head today, but for some reason it did. It's about my boyfriend, Derek. He's 17 today and I think it just got me thinking about the relationship ten years down the road and such....

Anyway, let me give you a little bit of background first so it won't be as confusing to you. First, you have to realize that I'm a very shy and timid person. Last year during the spring musical I looked up from reading my song one day and saw two older boys walk through the band room door. I later discovered that one was Derek and the other was his friend Josh. I take that back....BEST FRIEND....but I was smitten right from the beginning. I was a freshman and obviously I was scared to death when either of them would come up and flirt with me. One thing was how it wasn't sexual innuendos when we would have conversations.

I honestly found myself falling rather quickly for Derek, more than Josh. But as practices went on, my friends would blow him off and say not to bother, that Josh was better. But I still couldn't be convinced. On the last night of the musical we had a cast party at Derek's house. My friend asked Derek if he would ever just come out and admit that he liked me as much as I liked him. And he froze....I'll never forget the look on his face. His eyes were on me and I saw something but I couldn't tell what.

I took that as him simply being caught off guard, so I just went on with my weekend as usual. On Monday the following week, we were striking the set and Josh came over to me and asked me to help him with a piece of scenery. I did, and as I set the piece down he asked me if I would date him. And because Derek had not shown up yet I said yes, honestly thinking, 'well this is as good as it'll get'. But when I got home that night I got on MSN and Derek started talking to me until Josh told him off.

And then it clicked for him.

He was a day late.

So we just talked.

I dated Josh for about two months, and I really had feelings for him. But after the initial week or so, the magic was gone and I found myself longing for something more....but I didn't know what.

Another thing you must realize is that I value relationships and don't try to just add guys to a list. I was Josh's 48th wonder I felt used.

But through all of this Derek never once tried to break us up. Once when Josh and I had had a fight, I spoke to Derek about it and it was the first time that he lost it. "He should want to spend time with you, he doesn't know what he has and it's right under his nose....' he had said, then stopped abruptly. Then when I questioned him about what that had really meant he sighed and said 'I won't make you confused'.

And of course I was deeply confused. I found myself scanning the hallway for Derek instead of Josh at school. My friends noticed how I would go to Derek's baseball games to watch him pitch and cheer him on. When they actually questioned me about it, I would dodge the subject. But I knew that I didn't really want Josh....I wanted Derek.

One night we talked on the internet for over four hours. (I've read the conversation over and over and all quotes in this blog are word for word by the way). AT one point he said jokingly 'You know really should talk to your bf tonight for hours on end instead of me', and I said 'oh like that would help, yeah right'

He asked me if that was a diss on Josh. I said yes.

You all know how writing can be a much easier way to express what you are truely feeling? I would hope so since you are on this site. But I'm convinced that's why our talks had become so intricate.

Then he slipped.

"I was so close to having you, but I let you slip away' Derek wrote.

"Do you still have feelings for me then?' I wrote back.

*sigh* yes and I'm stopping this right now because I won't hurt josh, he's my best friend and you want to be with him....and I'll hurt you too....Derek wrote

We finally admitted how we truely was the worst feeling I had ever gone through the next day when I broke up with Josh. But I refused to feel bad (ha no such luck for 7 months) because Derek was only a small part of why I broke up with him. Now you mus understand that Josh is one of those big man on campus kind of guys....can have a girl at the snap of his fingers....and he said later on that he 'had gone through girls like money, all except one....and she had gone through him' referring to me.

(I'm so so very srry that this is so long, but that's only part of it really....I've just never had anyone beisides Derek listen in depth to my feelings on this....someone else's opinion would be so appreciated)

But my point is that I started dating Derek very soon after, and we were completely right for each other. But about a month into the relationship, we were sitting down and innocently giving each other little pecking kisses. He looked down at me (he's really really tall btw hehe) and took my face in his hands. He asked me if this was okay and I nodded. We weren't planning on sex.

We leaned back onto my bed and hte kisses grew more intense. One thing led to another and half of our clothes were undone. Throwing caution to the wind we pulled everything else off, just to feel the skin against skin. It was way too intoxicatng. We kept playing around until he moved directly over me and pressed himself against me. He was brething heavily and I looked at him. His eyes showed that he was losing it....losing his composure that is. He pressed his forehead against my shoulder and whispered, 'God, I just want shouldn't be complicated....'. He was struggling because he knew my boundaries....Josh had pressured me into doing things that I really hadn't been at all comfortable with in the past, and he never wanted to do that. I looked at him after a few minutes and whispered 'If you want me, then I'm yours....' and I can't describe the emotions that went through me. We had talked about how losing 'it' would be something we would never do with anyone uness we knew it felt right. (His dad met his mom when they were our age and she got pregnant in college. But they loved each other and got married nd had the baby and are still together and happy as can be. My point is that his dad had instilled in him how things can get out of hand, so never to do them with the person you don't really love) So we gave in and lost our virginity to each other. It was nothing like the horror stories I had read. It meant the world to me, and still does.

But now we are happily into 7 months of a realtionship. We have been told that we have the healthiest relationship out of any of our friends. Soon after losing it, we both came to realize that we really loved each other. No one believed it at first, so we just didn't say it when other people were around.

My only thing that I wonder about is that becasue of the fact that we love each other, should we not have sex. Sex isn't what our relationship is based on, and when it does happen I don't think of it as a f**k or a way to get off. I think of it as making love, but maybe that's because I'm a girl hehe. When we say we love each other it's not like the stuff you see everyday in the halls of the school. Deep down I know that he means it. And I know that I mean it.

So from the things I have told you (if anyone POSSIBLY read this whole thing) do you think that we should have sex?

Is it alright to deeply discuss marriage and children ( our parents are even cheering us on no lie) if it's healthy and a nice goal to reach?

We look at his family and how they ended up, so we have hope.

But am I being unreasonable?


My big thing about all of this is I'm 16 and he turned 17 today.

It's not unhealthy to have dreams, right?

Posts: 2 | From: new lex, ohio, usa | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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I'm not entirely sure I understand what your problem is so please correct me if my advice is off-target.

It sounds like you feel too young for sex or as if now, while you're in high school, isn't the right time to be sexually active. However, I'm not sure you're clear that there's a difference between being too for sex and be unprepared for sex so that's what I'm going to talk about.

How have you prepared to be sexually active? Do you use a reliable form of birth control such as condoms? Do you get regular sexual health care such as STI screens? Have you and Derek discussed a plan in case any of your precautions fail? Do you have the money and other means, i.e. transportation, to provide for your sexual health?

I think readiness is far more important than age when you decide whether or not to have sex. Readiness is more than just material though; the ability to talk openly and honestly with your partner is also vital. What about your parents? How do they figure into this? While I understand that it isn't always possible, being honest with them can really make a big difference. That way should you find yourself in a situation where their support could really help you they're prepared to give it.

Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist goes into a lot more detail than I did and is worth a read.

Hope this helps. Welcome to ST by the way.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9745

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Hey Lyndsey--

Wow, this is really interesting! I have come across this thought myself- whether sex "spoils" a pure love, per se. Well, one thing I am working on at the moment is distinguishing which of my feelings and opinions on sex are not truely mine but those of society.

For instance, I think sex is a natural part of life, plain and simple. Humans mate to make babies so we don't die off. Thanks to modern forms of birth control, we have the ability to have sex for pleasure. Although I reject some modern inventions, I think this (<-- birth control) is a good one because, basically, anyone alive has a sex drive. It is up to you to decide whether you want to engage in sex.

I am also in a deep, comitted, passionate relationship much like yours. Ironically, last school year I met my current bf and this other guy at the same time, and they both liked me. The other guy was planning on asking me out, but he was also literally a day too late because my current bf asked me out instead. We dated for just under 5 months, then broke up for 7... and are now back together.

You sound a little more certain about wanting to spend your future with your boyfriend, though.

I think most people assume sex is an obvious part of any romantic relationship, but I'm sure there have to be some couples out there with healthy, loving relationships minus the sex. And not just because they're holding off until mariage or until they reach a certain age or until any other point in time, but perhaps because they feel their love is strong and fine without it.

From your re-telling of the time you lost your virginity with your boyfriend, you sound very content with how it was played out.

And you're considering having kids with this guy, so that just implies sex.

I guess I'm just wondering where your doubt is coming from. Did you start questioning it because you feel it makes your love with your boyfriend somehow im-pure?

"It's something
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"

Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sexy skater
Member # 26742

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I think if you two are really in love and really,truly think you'll both be together forever, then sex shouldn't be an issue. If the time is right, and the mood is right and your hearts are completely connected then yea you can have sex. For him to have said all the things he said to you then I think that shows thta he truly cares about you.Good Luck!!!


Posts: 5 | From: austell,GA,USA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Michelle Ravel
Member # 21100

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Derek seems like a nice enough guy, and he seems to respect you and you seem to respect him. You seem like you're being honest with your parents, etc. As long as you practice safe sex, I don't see what the problem would be with you sleeping together.
Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Michelle Ravel
Member # 21100

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P.S. What was the musical, and how did it go? I think that is the important issue here.
Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 26587

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Thank you so much for all of your help!!!!
The musical was The Pajama Game, by the way Michelle. Wow I feel so unstressed now....

Posts: 2 | From: new lex, ohio, usa | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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