I'll really try to not make this overly long or in depth. I'm not exactly sure how this came into my head today, but for some reason it did. It's about my boyfriend, Derek. He's 17 today and I think it just got me thinking about the relationship ten years down the road and such....
Anyway, let me give you a little bit of background first so it won't be as confusing to you. First, you have to realize that I'm a very shy and timid person. Last year during the spring musical I looked up from reading my song one day and saw two older boys walk through the band room door. I later discovered that one was Derek and the other was his friend Josh. I take that back....BEST FRIEND....but I was smitten right from the beginning. I was a freshman and obviously I was scared to death when either of them would come up and flirt with me. One thing was how it wasn't sexual innuendos when we would have conversations.
I honestly found myself falling rather quickly for Derek, more than Josh. But as practices went on, my friends would blow him off and say not to bother, that Josh was better. But I still couldn't be convinced. On the last night of the musical we had a cast party at Derek's house. My friend asked Derek if he would ever just come out and admit that he liked me as much as I liked him. And he froze....I'll never forget the look on his face. His eyes were on me and I saw something but I couldn't tell what.
I took that as him simply being caught off guard, so I just went on with my weekend as usual. On Monday the following week, we were striking the set and Josh came over to me and asked me to help him with a piece of scenery. I did, and as I set the piece down he asked me if I would date him. And because Derek had not shown up yet I said yes, honestly thinking, 'well this is as good as it'll get'. But when I got home that night I got on MSN and Derek started talking to me until Josh told him off.
And then it clicked for him.
He was a day late.
So we just talked.
I dated Josh for about two months, and I really had feelings for him. But after the initial week or so, the magic was gone and I found myself longing for something more....but I didn't know what.
Another thing you must realize is that I value relationships and don't try to just add guys to a list. I was Josh's 48th girlfriend....no wonder I felt used.
But through all of this Derek never once tried to break us up. Once when Josh and I had had a fight, I spoke to Derek about it and it was the first time that he lost it. "He should want to spend time with you, he doesn't know what he has and it's right under his nose....' he had said, then stopped abruptly. Then when I questioned him about what that had really meant he sighed and said 'I won't make you confused'.
And of course I was deeply confused. I found myself scanning the hallway for Derek instead of Josh at school. My friends noticed how I would go to Derek's baseball games to watch him pitch and cheer him on. When they actually questioned me about it, I would dodge the subject. But I knew that I didn't really want Josh....I wanted Derek.
One night we talked on the internet for over four hours. (I've read the conversation over and over and all quotes in this blog are word for word by the way). AT one point he said jokingly 'You know what....you really should talk to your bf tonight for hours on end instead of me', and I said 'oh like that would help, yeah right'
He asked me if that was a diss on Josh. I said yes.
You all know how writing can be a much easier way to express what you are truely feeling? I would hope so since you are on this site. But I'm convinced that's why our talks had become so intricate.
Then he slipped.
"I was so close to having you, but I let you slip away' Derek wrote.
"Do you still have feelings for me then?' I wrote back.
*sigh* yes and I'm stopping this right now because I won't hurt josh, he's my best friend and you want to be with him....and I'll hurt you too....Derek wrote
We finally admitted how we truely felt....it was the worst feeling I had ever gone through the next day when I broke up with Josh. But I refused to feel bad (ha no such luck for 7 months) because Derek was only a small part of why I broke up with him. Now you mus understand that Josh is one of those big man on campus kind of guys....can have a girl at the snap of his fingers....and he said later on that he 'had gone through girls like money, all except one....and she had gone through him' referring to me.
(I'm so so very srry that this is so long, but that's only part of it really....I've just never had anyone beisides Derek listen in depth to my feelings on this....someone else's opinion would be so appreciated)
But my point is that I started dating Derek very soon after, and we were completely right for each other. But about a month into the relationship, we were sitting down and innocently giving each other little pecking kisses. He looked down at me (he's really really tall btw hehe) and took my face in his hands. He asked me if this was okay and I nodded. We weren't planning on sex.
We leaned back onto my bed and hte kisses grew more intense. One thing led to another and half of our clothes were undone. Throwing caution to the wind we pulled everything else off, just to feel the skin against skin. It was way too intoxicatng. We kept playing around until he moved directly over me and pressed himself against me. He was brething heavily and I looked at him. His eyes showed that he was losing it....losing his composure that is. He pressed his forehead against my shoulder and whispered, 'God, I just want you....it shouldn't be complicated....'. He was struggling because he knew my boundaries....Josh had pressured me into doing things that I really hadn't been at all comfortable with in the past, and he never wanted to do that. I looked at him after a few minutes and whispered 'If you want me, then I'm yours....' and I can't describe the emotions that went through me. We had talked about how losing 'it' would be something we would never do with anyone uness we knew it felt right. (His dad met his mom when they were our age and she got pregnant in college. But they loved each other and got married nd had the baby and are still together and happy as can be. My point is that his dad had instilled in him how things can get out of hand, so never to do them with the person you don't really love) So we gave in and lost our virginity to each other. It was nothing like the horror stories I had read. It meant the world to me, and still does.
But now we are happily into 7 months of a realtionship. We have been told that we have the healthiest relationship out of any of our friends. Soon after losing it, we both came to realize that we really loved each other. No one believed it at first, so we just didn't say it when other people were around.
My only thing that I wonder about is that becasue of the fact that we love each other, should we not have sex. Sex isn't what our relationship is based on, and when it does happen I don't think of it as a f**k or a way to get off. I think of it as making love, but maybe that's because I'm a girl hehe. When we say we love each other it's not like the stuff you see everyday in the halls of the school. Deep down I know that he means it. And I know that I mean it.
So from the things I have told you (if anyone POSSIBLY read this whole thing) do you think that we should have sex?
Is it alright to deeply discuss marriage and children ( our parents are even cheering us on no lie) if it's healthy and a nice goal to reach?
We look at his family and how they ended up, so we have hope.
But am I being unreasonable?
My big thing about all of this is I'm 16 and he turned 17 today.
It's not unhealthy to have dreams, right?