I don't know whether I'm looking for an answer here, or whether I'm just speaking rhetorically out of my frustration, pain and curiosity.
I'm a senior in High School. I have been trashed by a few kids in my grade for the past three years. I have never done anything bad to them... I actually started out, freshman year, as the center of the group they revolved around.
It was not until very recently that I was able to process through their abuse toward me without blaming myself or hurting myself. I was doing both, to what I consider an extreme, for a very long time. Any length of doing either of these things is far too long.
I am still the same sort of person I always was, just more confident, and happier. I enjoy people who, like myself, are kind, eager to learn and explore, social, and accepting.
I have finally been able to be happy lately. FINALLY. It has taken me so long and so much effort and... heh- My college essay actually has everything to do with it.
I owe my thanks to a girl who just joined my school this year, as a Senior. I was super sweet to her right away and we have a lot in common and became best friends instantly. Like me, she is very outgoing and complex, and has an oddly similar life. She absolutely gave/gives me the knee-up I need to survive my experience at this school full of kids who hate me for no reason.
As I mentioned, I am absolutely outgoing, friendly, talkative.... And kind, which I really think screws me over. I am not afraid to stand up for myself, but at times that doesn't even cut it.
Lately I have been trying evaluate the importance of things that are said and done. I place more value on family affairs and close friends, and much less on the mean, possibly joking (? it's so hard to tell whether or not people are serious sometimes. ?) things that people around me say. I always thought it must be shallow to not take life too seriously, but I'm finding that it is not only a survival method (necessity, even?) but handy tool when trying to clear your mind of social clutter.
I'm going in all different directions with this, I know... Props to anyone who reads this.
I honestly just don't like mean people! I can't imagine anyone who does, and God only knows we probably all have different interpretations of what's mean, which just complicates things more...
I'm about to head off to college. I am so close. I no longer wish away the present, so I'm not going to waste my time left with the people and things I do like about my school. However, college= new place, new opportunities, new people.
What I am supposed to do? At times like these... When I get into this almost desperate mindset.... I feel as if I have two options here on out regarding relationships. Either let loose, or draw back into seclusion because the drama of relationships can be detrimental or otherwise not worthwhile.
I feel like reaching out, meeting people, engaging... But I am SO SCARED that I am going to carry with me all of the devastating feelings of how these kids in my grade at school have been treating me. And I know I will. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get past it anymore than I have.
The last thing I want is a repeat: I meet people, become a core part of a group, and get mercilessly trashed.
I could say a lot more, but I feel I have covered the basics and this is already long anyways.
If anyone has input, I would love to hear from you!! Thanks!
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"