my boyfriend and i have been going out for three years, and i know he watches porn..i'm not a fan of him doing it, but i figure its a fact of life with a college boy, so i've never said anything criticizing him for doing it. however, last night i was on his computer and saw that his history was up and that he had visited porn sites involving "shemales"... basically guys who have had surgery up top to make them look like girls, but still have their penis. i confronted him about it and at first he denied it, but then said that yes, he had recently stumbled upon this "genre" and for some reason it agreed with him and he liked it. i honestly dont know what to do...i dont know what to think about that. i mean, i have a hard time understanding some of the heterosexual stuff they do in porn, and now this! i dont know what to think. he says he just likes that it looks like girl on girl, but with penetration, but i dont know if i trust that he's not turned on by the shemale! he assures he's not..but i'm really confused about what to think. i dont know what is normal porn behavior for guys..maybe this has a big heterosexual following...but since i'd never heard anything like that before, i cant help but think maybe there's some hidden feelings for something thats not..welll.....girls. now, he has never ever given me any indication before that he has gay tendencies, or anything like that......so then whats this all about? whats your opinion on the situation?
we're also in a weird place too because he says his porn interests aren't any of my business. normally i would agree, which is why i've never asked him about it before in 3 years. but i maintain that this is different than him having a foot fetish or something....i say he should have told me about this or he should talk to me about this now that i know because if his tastes have something to do with something that is not something that i am...like a girl....then that does involve me because that would affect our relationship. do you think girls have a right to know what their guys sexual pornographic interests are?
It is against the Guidelines you agreed to when you signed up to double post. That said, I had mentioned it may be good if this topic was open more for you to respond a bit and to get some more feedback. So, for those who don't look through forums/topics, ehre is my orginal reply:
Here's the thing about pornography: it's fantasy.
Your boyfriend happens to watch "shemale" pornography, which is very common among men, you'll have to trust me on this, and the explanation he gave is probably pretty true of most who watch it.
So, he watches this pornography- does it mean he wants you to be shemale? No. Does it mean that he is more turned on, more pleased, or prefers watching shemale sex than any intimate time the two of you may have? Highly unlikely.
I'm not responding here to negate or belittle any of your feelings in this matter, but the thing with fantasy is it's really just that, it usually reflects very little on a person's actual life.
For example, you mention that he has never had "gay tendancies" before. A LARGE number of men who classify themselves as being straight (ie, have not had and do not wish to have or are attracted to male partners) watch gay pronography.
You said, "but i maintain that this is different than him having a foot fetish or something" Really? It IS different, but only because, usually, people who have fetishes like to bring that fetish into their daily sexual lives, where as watching pornography, again, is just fantasy. Both involve arousal and interest in the brain and body, but the way the two are enacted (a foot fetish being part of a sexual act, and watching shemale pronography being a type of, just that, pronography that he watchs, doesn't want to be involved in persay) do seperate them.
The question of whether or not a man should share his pornographic interests may be a toss up. For a lot of men, it may be that they feel embarassed for watching a certain type of material, or that they simply seperate their sexual lives with their partners from what they watch on a TV or computer screen and find no need to share something that is private, for fantasy or personal masturbatory wants, from what is shared with the other person.
I don't think I believe that men should go right out and explain every pronographic tape they've watched to their partners, but if their partner were to enquire, then it isn't something I believe should be hidden or secret information either. So sorry the answer is a bit wobbly, but it's sort of hard to judge overall. Two people in a relationship need to have open, trusting communication, part of which would probably involve that if a girlfriend were to ask her boyfriend what his pronographic interests were, or what he fantasized about when he masturbated, that he wouldn't withhold it from her as it's "none of her business."
Also, to play on the side of your guy a little bit here, it could have been that he was somewhat embarassed or put-off if you saw it on his computer, even if you had his permission to be on there and even if it was in plain site, he might have felt a bit like you were snooping.
So, to end this rambling myself, I think in the short of it: yes, since you asked your boyfriend about it, you do have some right as being in a relationship to know about what he watches. Does this mean you then have the right to be upset about it or deem it unnatural? Yes, but it's rather silly and you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to have an explanation for everything he watches, because really, he doesn't need one.
So, I understand this is stressful to your relationship, but it doesn't have to be. You could possibly try talking to him, say something like, "I'm sorry if I overreacted about finding the pornography on your computer, I understand it's just pornography and shouldn't affect our relationship, BUT, I don't appreciate you telling me that it's none of my business and acting like it should be a secret from me. You don't have to tell me about everything you watch, but I would appreicate if I asked about it if you'd be straightforward and honest with me." Or something to that extent, does it sound about right and fair to you?
What do you think about what I said here, since as you're reposting I'm wondering if you're taking into consideration what I have said at all. Give me some feedback so I may be able to help you a bit more, k?
the advice you gave me was very good, and knowing that a lot of straight men watch this sort of thing was conforting and changed my perspective on the matter. i just wanted to repost(sorry, i didnt remember it was forbidden) so that anyone who might have a similar situation might be able to respond.
so now that i realized it wasnt some abnormal thing and that it wasn't representative of his real feelings, i felt bad for the way i confronted him and tried to apologize. however, he got very defensive and said he wanted to take a break because he's mad that i would be upset if he did like guys.
he says he doesn't, but that if he did it shouldnt matter to me. well...i dont know about that. i'm very accepting and openminded about homosexuality....but that doesnt mean i want my boyfriend liking guys. we have trust issues as it is, based on thigns he's done in the past, therefore i already get nervous that he's settling for me instead of maybe another girl he really likes...if he liked guys as well and yet was with me because he loved me, that would open the playing field so much further, and i think i would feel that maybe he was denying homosexual feelings and going out with me to settle. if he wants to be with guys, fine, but i dont want him to be with me so as to settle.
and i dont think that view is so hard to understand. i found shemale porn on his computer, and i took the time to research and figure out what was going on so i could understand where he's coming from. now i think me not wanting my boyfriend to like guys, or anyone else for that matter, is completely understandable. so if he is telling the truth when he says he doesnt like guys, then i'm very confused as to why he would be willing to end a 3 year relationship because i understandably disagree with a belief he has but that doesnt even apply to him.
he called me from work and then he had to go before we really finished the conversation, thats why i'm ranting on here. i just dont understand..what am i supposed to do? i didnt want this to be a right/wrong thing, but i dont see how my views aren't at least not understandable..so why is he acting this way..talking about just being friends and stuff? and what am i supposed to do about it?
i dont know if it helps, but he was diagnosed as being bipolar a this week..i dont know if that has anyting to do with it but maybe he's acting out because of..oh i dont know...
I think the fact that you say there are some pre-existing trust issues rings that this may be something that has been building up for awhile.
Also, the fact that he was diagnosed this week, even if it's not the disorder that has him acting this way, his own stresses or feelings about it could be.
It may be that he's overwhelmed with things right now and might need time to cool off and think things through a bit before he can start focusing on a relationship again.
So, my advice to you now would be to give him space if he needs it, but also don't be afraid to ask questions beforehand and have a chance to try and explain yourself a little.
Maybe try to explain to him some of your own concerns you've posted here, like how you don't want to be someone he's just setteling on, and that's where some of your worries stemmed from. Also try and see if he'll open up to you some about what he's feeling with everything now. Ask if he's stressed about school, work, this bi-polar diagnosis, anything.
It may be good to realize yourself that if he needs the space, you need to be willing to give it to him, and relay that to him, but also let him know that because you two were in a relationship for so long, it doesn't feel right for you to just be throwing it aside and that you still want to be a part of his life, even if not as much of your time will be spent toward eachother. You can give him space as long as he'll still keep communication lines open, that sort of thing, you know?
From the sounds of it, it may be that some time off would be good for bOTH of you; maybe time to work out some of those trust issues you were talking about and to have a look at some of the things in your relationship and assess where things are and where you both may want them to go.
Just a few more thoughts on this for you to entertain.
- What someone watches with porn may or may not have ANYTHING to do with their real-life attractions. And let's be frank: most of the bio-women in mainstream porn don't resemble real-life women any more than cross-dressing men or transsexuals do: heck, they have all the same fake bits in common. So, if one is okay but the other isn't, might want to examine why.
- Even if your partner IS attracted to men, just like you are likely attracted to other men, or he is attracted to other women, it really IS only so relevant. After all, you're both choosing to be sexually exclusive with one another, no matter what, or to whom, your other attractions are. And just FYI, very, very few people statistically in the world are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. The vast majority of people in the world have at least some attraction to both men and women. So, are YOU "settling?" And moreover, are you dealing with what's lying beneath all of this, both alone and together, in terms of your worry that commitment to you, period, is settling, rather than agreeing to do so because of the actual desire to be with you?
- We cannot ask someone to not be sexually stimulated by the things which they are. The things that turn any of us on are, at least in part, pretty hard-wired, and incredibly difficult to change. Often, when people try, human sexuality reacts like a five-year-old one has said no to: the thing which is forbidden just becomes more appealing. HOWEVER, you CAN ask for limits and boundaries with porn. You can even -- if that is what you want and what you know to be best for you -- only take partners who do NOT use pornography at all or to certain degrees; you CAN failry ask a partner to consider reducing porn use while with you, not bringing it into a joint home, and so forth.
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