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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » The "other woman."

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Author Topic: The "other woman."
Member # 20075

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I apologize for this being so long.

My boyfriend & I have been dating for nearly 3 years; we are high school sweethearts & very much in love. We've talked of marriage even. But, we recently broke up due to him not knowing what he wanted & felt like he needed some time away to "find himself." It's such a long story, but after about a month, he called me after coming to his senses & we both decided to try it again. But because of the hurt & sort of mistrust that has arose from his sudden decision to want to be single, I told him that I'd like to take our relationship slow & "date" each other, rather than rushing back to having things be the way they were. & I told him that the only way we could be committed again is if I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is ready to be in this relationship. That I wanted him to show me what he means by all these changes he's made; this isn't the first time we've "broken up" due to him being afraid. But, he's sworn up & down that he's ready... & that he's really done a lot of changing in the last month. (Oh & we just started back dating about 2 weeks ago. Almost 3...)

Well, things are back to being... weird again. I don't feel like he is making ME his priority, or this relationship for that matter. He spends much more time with his friend that myself, but I don't think he's doing this intentionally because when he's with me, or talking to me on the phone, he treats me like gold. I just think he gets so distracted with his friends that he seems to trail off. Like it's a sort of... immaturity. & I seriously do feel like his particular best friend is the "other woman" in our relationship; like he spends more time making sure this guy is pleased than his own girlfriend. & I'm not just feeling this way to be a jealous girlfriend. I have a few stories. Like for instance, for my birthday he only spent a few hours with me & when this friend called on his cellphone suddenly, he just HAD to ditch me to watch a movie with him... I guess I just feel like I am worth more than to be "put off" by him & having him chose his friend over me. & that is one of the biggest things that has been keeping me from making this relationship legit because of his inability to make this relationship a priority enough to where he will tell his friend(s) straight out, "Look, me & (my name) have been going through some rough times, & it's important to me to make things better... so please excuse me if I am not around as often." I just don't feel like he is really putting effort into turning this relationship around & making this important to him...

So, after all of that, I guess my questions are: What does this behaviour mean in guy-language? How do I handle that? How do I talk to him about it? Because I do love him, & I want to make this work, but if he's just going to be putting all of his precious time & effort into his friend then I'm just wasting my time. I hope my story makes sense... Oh & if it helps to know our ages, I'm 18 & he'll be 20 in March.

-- E

Posts: 138 | From: Southern California, USA | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 1207

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Is it possible, that in telling him to take things slow at first, that this is his way of taking things slow? Maybe he doesn't want to overwhelm you ...?

I really don't know what his reasoning could be; it's just a suggestion.

You're saying that he's spending too much time with this other friend and that he's ditched you in the past to spend time w/ this friend ... Have you talked to him about this? Again, there may be good reason. Do you both share in planning dates and time spent together? If he's the one always planning, you can't really complain that you two don't spend too much time together if you don't get in there and speak up ... If you're doing all of the planning and still coming up short, you need to bring this to his attention.

That all said, time for friends and activities seperate of partners is important to. Perhaps you could plan your 'friends night outs' on the same days ... You go w/ your friends and he can go w/ his. Or you can double date with another couple.

Basically, there is no 'guy language'. Each guy is individual, and committment isn't only a guy problem. Talking to him about it is a very good idea, right now ... Before it becomes a large issue and feelings are even more hurt. You basically just tell him what you've told us ... You want to try to work things out, and you don't think you can do that with you two spending so much time apart. Again though, you need to remember that everyone has lives outside of their partners ... Being together all the time isn't good either.

Good luck.

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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