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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Jealousy

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Author Topic: Jealousy
curiousconfused
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Recently, I have taken note on jealousy as a very serious thing that has been happening to me. If, say, in a couple, a guy

talks to another girl, but the girl is capable of handling it... she is enterprising, and has a lot of guy friends around.

She is friendly and likeable by everyone (mostly guys).

In this situation, what if... the opposite happens?

Well, here, it is okay for the guy to talk to the girl. The girl will not be jealous or anything. But, what if, the GIRL is THE one who talks to another guy?

Well, personally, I think just talking is entirely alright. There is nothing wrong to it at all. However, talking for very,

very long hours? And then, touching each other, tickling each other, bullying each other, catching each other??

This girl of mine, my gf (again, if you have read 'need some advice...') is a very popular girl in university. She has many

many friends, most of which are guys. They are very close to her. Most of them, at least. I cannot seem to handle it when

everytime we walk together, there are surely guys out there, like, waiting to speak to her and all. Even on a simple outing

to town, there would definitely be a guy wanting to speak to her or something. This happened many times, and it was from strangers, and all are guys.

Also, everytime we walk together, be it in university or outside anywhere, it would be guy friends she meets. This has gone

too far, I believe, and it might be best to do something about it. And the smses and calls she gets are always from guys. The

amount of guy friends or male friends she has is humongous.

I will get to the main story here.

Recently, which was the day before this message is written, we went out for an outing, in Sunway Lagoon. Sunway Lagoon is a

famous waterpark in Malaysia, something like a recreation center. We went there together with four of our friends, excluding

us both, there are three friends from our uni and one friend who is my neighbour and close friend (a guy). Two out of the

three are a couple, which is sort of, untouchable. But we still chatted together and had a good time.

But something was not right during the whole outing. Besides all of us having fun, and behind the happiness of everyone, I

felt something different in my girlfriend. She was different, because of the presence of the guy whom I called (my neighbour). They really enjoyed their time together, but not me. All of the things they did, they were ignoring me, you know.

And I felt very weak and sad, and not happy, all sorts of feelings mixed up... I guess I was jealous, isn't it? But then, I

could not do anything about it, so, the least I can do, I told it to them... "Hey, don't you dare flirt with my girlfriend!"

However, they took it as a joke only, as I myself appear very cheerful at that time. It did work, my girlfriend came to me

and joined me in all the rides, but still I felt something weird. Something that made me cannot enjoy the outing properly.

Is it jealousy?

How can I counter it? Today is the day after the incident. I am right now, feeling utterly confused of what I should do. I

met this guy today as well. I spoke with him, and we talked and once again, I sounded my jealousy and discontent about the

day before. He took it lightly, and even from yesterday, he kept saying that they are "only friends". That is what he said.

But still, I guess the playfulness among both of them is the thing that annoyed me. Five of us met first and I introduced him

to all my friends. Then soon my gf came. She have known him already (I introduced him to her some time ago). Being very very

late, with no cellphone to contact, a number of us were quite angry at her, especially this guy. So he sort of fired her, and

she responded by catching him and kicking him and tickling him and all. They all got alright but this thing made me feel

jealous. Or is it another sort of feeling... I am not sure.

Throughout the outing, I can feel myself getting further and further away from her, and that guy is getting closer and closer

to her. Everytime, in some way or another, they end up sitting together, by chance or what naught. I will end up sitting some

place away which I can't reach them. He got even more playful with her as the trip went on.

I have talked to him enough about this problem, I believe. If I keep harping and going on and on and on to him about this,

I'm afraid that he might get fed-up with me and angry as well.

How do I deal this?


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just something to think about:

Jealousy stems from the idea that one has ownership of something or someone. And people cannot own one another, nor should they. There's nothing positive about being treated like, seen as, or seeing someone else as a thing to posess.

You don't get to control how other people react to your partner, and if every and any relationship with someone else is a threat (again, per your last post, what if she were bisexual? Would that mean her talking to ANYONE for an extended time wasn't okay by you? That she got to have NO deep friendships?), the issue isn't their behaviour or hers, it's your ideas about all of this, and theysound like ideas of both ownership, and seeing all relationships as in competition with one another.


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curiousconfused
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Member # 23165

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Thank you Miz Scarlet, I will reconsider what you said.

I guess I was wild and not having the proper rationality to think straight, and maturely. Perhaps I was too rash into assuming things that are not true.

Truthfully, I have a very low self-esteem and my self-consciousness is very high. I get insecure whenever she goes out with other guys, or talks with them. The worse happens in this situation, when someone gets very playful with her, and she is not that responsive to me at the same time. I really do not want to torture her at all, and neither do I want to create enemies among any of my friends and me (it did happen, something like that though, at one time).

Happiness with myself, and being with her, and peace with all my friends is what I desire. I do not wish to be jealous either. Or angry. Or inferior. Or having any doubts. However, I cannot help it still. The feelings still comes. Whenever she talks to other guys, especially when they get playful... And whenever she gets to do something or go somewhere I can't.

How do I deal with this? How do I not feel jealous, and attain a happy and wonderful relationship, without causing a threat to anyone?


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curiousconfused
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Member # 23165

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So how?
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