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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Stepparent Advice

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Author Topic: Stepparent Advice
Member # 25915

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Hi I'm new here.

I guess I need some perspective lol. My fiance and I are getting married on the 15th of this month. He has a 3 year old daughter with a woman who he was never married to. They have no formal custody aggreement, but he gets to see her every weekend from friday night to saterday night. Now the fun part is that his ex is very much so still a part of his life. He talks to her almost every day, and her name is still on many of his bills.

For what reason I can not immagin, he wants me to go with him every single time he goes to drop his daughter off at her house, and I'm almost always home when his ex drops her off on fridays. The idea of me finding somewhere else to be durring those times does not go over well with him to say the least. I might mention that we live together.

I'm trying to be levelheaded about the situation, but it's starting to hurt. I don't like the woman. It is extreemly stressful to me to have to see her. I mean, for heavens sake, the woman teaches her daughter to say things like "Tabby (my name) shoud be dead" and "My mommy hates you my mommy is gonna kill you."

Its gotten to the point that its hard for me to mannage the stress, I'm pregnant and I'm sure its not too great for the baby. I use to love to spend time with my fiance and talk to him on the phone when he's at work and stuff like that, but now I can't stand any of that. I feel really trapped and I just don't want to communicate with him which doesnt help matters any. Even worse, our sex life use to be out of this world, now I dont want to be intimate with him at all.

I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way. I'm normally a very happy outgoing preson but not any more. It's to the point that I would rather drive 50 miles and spend every weekend with my parents than to stay home and deal with his daughter and his ex. Anyway, thanks.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, I'll say something you probably already know first, just to get it out of the way.

So long as you are with this guy, especially if you are creating a household, you're going to have to deal with the other parent to his child. For always. There's just no getting around that.

That said: working to make that as comfortable and okay for you as possible SHOULD be an item on the agenda. Insisiting you are always with him when he drops his kid off just isn't fair to you, especially if it's something that's difficult for you. if he needs extra moral support, he can easily ask a platonic friend who is not going to have anything emotional to bring to the table with this, for instance. Or he can learn to do it himself: after all, if you hadn't come along, he'd have had to. same goes for him wanting you to always be home at drop-offs when he can be there so his kid isn't left alone. This is HIS previous marriage, not yours.

So, you need to set some limits. It is totally valid to say that you do not want to commit to that. That obviously, if you happen to be with him at those times, or if he needs you, as his partner, to pick up his kid or be home when she's dopped off because at a given time he can't be there, that's fair. But it's NOT fair -- or healthy -- for you not to get to make limits and boundaries and to say you are not down with being chaperone every single time.

...especially given her behaviour. In fact, I'd suggest that a mediator is sought out here, for the daughter's sake, if no one else's. If your partner is still in contact with his divorce lawyer, I'd have him discuss this, and have the lawyer look into requiring some family counseling/mediation. ASAP.

Given just what you've posted, by the by, it's not surprising you're experiencing feelings of being trapped, of dissatisfaction, lower libido, etc. Of course, pregnancy can also add to some of these feelings.

But you're going to have to step up and communicate here, if you've interest in both your own well-being and nurturing the quality and health of this relationship. You might even look into couples counseling for the two of you right now if you feel too lost to start, or that unable to communicate.

Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
"You have to love women who are brave enough to do things so big in a world where women are supposed to be so small." - Andrea Dworkin

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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