I feel like a horrible human being. I went to this gay convention thing and met this cute girl who had a boyfriend already but said he is cool with her dating a girl. Im 17, she's 19, her boyfriend is 21, and they have been dating for FOUR YEARS. On our first date yesterday the boyfriend drove her down to the movies from a few citites away and went to see another movie while we saw one and we held hands and kissed right in front of him and she said he was "freaking out" about it on the drive over (before the date). she found out last year that she is bi and now she just said she thinks she is gay and that her boyfriend and her are "drifting". Is it horribly wrong what I'm doing??? Is this my fault? We haven't talked much yet so this is basically ALL that I know and has happened. I don't want to ruin a relationship of four years, and I am not looking for such a heavy deep relationsihp that I can replace the one she has. What do I do? Am I responsible for this? Is it warped what I'm doing? Thanks for reading this!
Posts: 6 | From: burbank, california, united states | Registered: Feb 2004
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looks like your girlfriend got into an open relationship before all parties were really ready to get into one.
it's not really likely that you destroyed their relationship. if it was gonna end, it would've ended. and if she was going to come out gay, then it was bound to happen at some point.
sounds to me like the boyfriend made a lot of concessions and compromises to his girlfried who was at the time trying to sort out her orientation. but in making those compromises, he kinda sold himself short in that he didn't really want to give her up. he agreed to it verbally, so it's fair, but he still set himself up for hurt feelings. so it's not your fault, but theirs for striking a bad deal.
heres a question: are you okay being in a polyamoroous or open relationship? are you okay with her being with the guy?
Well, too, his expectations may not have been realistic.
For most people, seeing your partner kiss someone else they like right in front of you isn't an easy thing: especially the first time. It may have been all the more hard if, say, he expected it to turn him on, but what it did was make him jealous and insecure. Our culture has a pretty hard sell these days to men that their female partners having female partners is good eye candy/living porn for them: it rarely addresses the realities of multiple partnership or of what all of that can really look or feel like.
But if you don't want a relationship with a lot of processing, a lot of negotiations and a lot of complications, no matter what happens, chances are good this isn't bound to be a good fit for you. Poly relationships -- especially when everyone involved is new to the idea and all it involves -- rarely tend to be low-maintenance.
Try not to feel too bad about it, although I will warn you that if you continue in this relationship and she continues to be with her boyfriend, there will be many uphill battles to overcome.
I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend was actually(and still is) my best friend's boyfriend first. She had told him it's ok for him to date other women if her wants(they've been together for 6 years now), and he asked me out when we were just getting to know each other(from talking online). Our first date went so well, that I've been dating him for over a year now.
However, my best friend and I have had a lot of emotional problems the past few months and she's had many fits of crying. The problem is that my/our boyfriend finds me more physically attractive than her and I get much more attention and affection than she does. She actually has to ask for hugs and kisses, wheras, I don't.
About a year and a half ago, she got into an online relationship with a young guy from South Africa, who fell quite in love with her and would constantly tell her how beautiful she is(she's 30 and asian, but looks more like 18). Once her boyfriend found out(it was before I started dating him) he got pretty upset, so she stopped talking to the guy. I know she wants that kind of attention from our boyfriend, but no matter how much we both pester him, he simply can't give it to her.
I don't want my friend to be hurt, and I don't want to have to leave the relationship on my own. My boyfriend has been the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love him very much, so I don't want to leave him by choice. Sooner or later, he's going to have to choose between one of us, cause I don't think either of us can handle the stress of the relationship for too much longer. Maybe we'll find a way to make it work, and maybe we won't. Though no matter what happens, many tears will be shed in the process.
I'm sorry for the long post. Just needed to get it off my chest.
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