Peekaboo... I haven't posted any entries on any of the scarleteen boards for a while!
My dilemna is as follows.
Early last fall, I met an amazing boy that we shall call Jeremy. We attended the same school and were just one grade apart. We became close friends instantaneously, forming the ideal type of friendship: Jeremy and I could, and still to this day can, happily coexist and understand one another. We were bonded so tightly that we didn't want to risk acting on our mutual feelings for one another. Our friendship was too important to be jeopardized by a prospective fight we may have if we were dating, which could result in a break up and an altogether UGLY ending.
However, during a long phone conversation one night we discussed how we wanted to give dating a try. We knew eachother extremely well, and knew that neither of us wanted a bitter ending. We wanted to remain friends forever.
The next day, we declared ourselves "official", aka. officially dating. For 4.5 months we held a loyal, deep relationship. The boy treats me like gold, always has. I have always had every intention of treating him the same. It comes naturally, we just "click", if you would.
I broke up with him late in the wintertime early this year. I still remember why with great clarity: 1. He was oppressively clingy and would not give me a little personal space despite my asking him to and 2. He was so depressed.... If he wasn't talking with or spending time with me, he was miserable with life, and that scared me... I wanted him to be happy and secure within himself first, and for me to be someone who would enrich his life.
He took the break-up surprisingly well at face value... I understand now more than ever how much he was hurting, but he was a gent and didn't let me see it... I hate to think of how much it hurt him.
But we remained the best of friends, and both moved on to romantic relationships with other people. One trend I've seen is that despite the other's gentle prodding, when either of us are in a relationship we're apt to not talk about our new significant other with each other.
Jeremy switched schools this year and recently began dating a girl at his new school. I don't know her- All I know is she is gorgeous because I have seen pictures. AS SOON as I learnt of his new love, something crumbled inside of me. Although I remembered clearly WHY I had broken up with the kid, it didn't feel right that he should be loving someone else. And by loving I do NOT mean in the physical sense; I'm only talking about G-Rated love here.
It really bugged me.... And it hasn't stopped, except now I realize where this akward feeling is coming from: I STILL LIKE HIM.
I knew this would happen: Jeremy is still his wonderful self, only he's grown into a happier and more stable person. He has more confidence. He has retained his amazing personality and it has only grown richer.
... And I love him. I love him as a friend and admire and respect him as a person, but I can't fight these feelings, and I have no intention of doing so....
...But he loves her.
So basically, I'm stuck in a crappy position, and although it's probably my fault, I'm not blaming myself. I did what I thought was best at the time, and Lord knows it probably was. Although Jeremy and I had a sincere relationship, we were both very depressed while we were dating. Very depressed... It was horrible. I don't think we were the best support for or influence on each other at the time because a depressed friend can only do so much in convincing another person to feel good about themself.
I kind of want to tell him how I feel, because I've found that the direct approach is often the best when communicating. However, I hold myself back for two reasons: 1. He is with someone else... A gorgeous girl who is probably sweet and fun and caring and intelligent and unique. And he'd have to process through akward feelings if he knew that I like him again... and 2. It would probably also damage me in some respect to let the truth out while he's dating someone else. After all, he's dating someone else.... (helllllo)...
If anyone has any kind/helpful words to say in regards to this, especially anyone who has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you.
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"