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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My friends boyfriend told me to mind my own buisness, even when his girl comes to me

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Author Topic: My friends boyfriend told me to mind my own buisness, even when his girl comes to me
alamus
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Okay, this past week my friend and I have gone to Indiana to her home town for our quarter break from college. We had a good time being sick and getting taken care of by her mother who was really cool. The whole time there she kept trying to contact her boyfriend, who is less than lazy. He has said, and I quote " After work I get so tired all I can do is play videogames"

... I know he has his problems, FAILING out of college because he was LAZY and that he works the graveyard shift to try and pay back all his loans, the thing is he barely pays any attention to his girlfriend! I'm not being very dramatic about it either, everyone I associate with agrees cause we've all seen him pull 16 hour hauls of playing online video games, while his very beautiful girlfriend (who has been waiting for his maturity in more than just the sexual realm for over a year now) sits at his back and waits for his undivided attention, when all she recieves is the equivalant of a pat on the head to a dog and a claim that he is to tired and stressed to do anything else.

Another tid bit that should be mentioned is that he had talked her into seeing a psychothereapist and get medication, while he has not. I agree to some extent that she had needed something to deal with her depression, but whatever the full effect the balance of medication and professional help is doing, seems to be haulted or reversed by the boyfriend.

So, these reasons among others have given me the idea that he is doing her mental harm cause he keeps her in a constant circle of forcing herself to remain in love with him. Even the same thing she has said to me over and over for about 6 months " I know things are bad now, but I know they'll get better later because I believe they will. And I love him, soooooo"

Every time she says it, it sounds like a broken mono tone record. I'm so worried about my friend, cause even though her boyfriend is diplomatic and, as far as I know, not violent to women, he is hurting her if he knows it or not.

Okay, so back to what happened. Upon the coming home, the boyfriend had the keys to the apartment... the GIRLFRIENDS and ROOMMATES apartment. Only NOW is he paying a 3rd of the rent cause the roommate demanded. He wasn't at the apartment, and the girlfriend was getting really upset cause he never called her in the whole 5 days to say hi, and she didn't even know if he was taking care of the animals in the home. Like HIS cat. So I was at the car grabbing more things to bring up when the boyfriend had come from a dreaded friends house who lives with a betraying girl (who was a friend of mine and the girlfriend) and opens the door. So, the girlfriend and boyfriend start talking...

The info on this dreaded friend and this friend who betrayed me and the girlfriend is a pretty interesting story... But put simply the girl claimed she didn't like clicks, even though she dyed her hair black and became full out emo. And the boy is such an *** who is soooo smart (He FLUNKED out of college too) that he said, and I quote " I had downsyndrome as a child, but I got over it."

.... you may ask how someone can shed an extra cromozone..... ask him how to do it.
So this is the 'intelligence' the boyfriend looks to for advice... A reason why the girlfriend is worried for him for hanging out with that guy as much as he does.

So the boyfriend and the girlfriend talk for a good while and eventually the boyfriend goes away to vent some steam, and the girlfriend talks to me. Shes upset cause now the boyfriend is mad at her, claiming that she doesn't trust him. Reason this came into question is because the boyfriend is going to be hanging out with the dreaded friend and his military buds. They drink so much the dreaded friend takes pride in how he was in and out of consciousness for 4 days after going on a drinking binge. So, the girlfriend asks her boyfriend not to drink so much (which he's not good at controlling) and askes him to promise her that he won't. She asks, not to control, but for self assurence from him. He takes it that she doesn't trust him.

So he leaves, and the girlfriend and I talk, then he comes back and askes me to go outside with him for a moment. This is where he confronts me about how he's heard that I hoped him and the girlfriend would break up. I've said this and discussed it with many friends, including the one who betrayed me and thought the same thing. Only now, months later, is he coming to me to talk about it. So I told him flat out that I believe that, and the true reasons why I think it should happen. He then goes on by saying that "Validates something". Then I also mention how I'm not the only person who thinks this, but her mother to some extent. He then starts mummbling and I get the impression that he thinks people are conspiring against HIM, and not worried about the girlfriend. Like how he's got some issues that require people taking care of him so that he can remain in a child like world, meanwhile his girlfriend has a problem of wanting to take care of everyone and to please everyone even though she needs to start taking care of herself more to be happy.

I tell him this, but in not such a great way cause he caught be unguarded, and I am not very good at verbal confrontation while he is. Then he tells me that I should just mind my own buisness. Which I agree for some extent cause all this crap has been bothering me and making me feel like I've become that nosey bitch. However I gotta remember that his girlfriend is my friend and that she comes to me for my truthful insight, which is the same, according to her, of her pschologists'!

So the boyfriend and I talk, I tell him what I think, he tells me what he thinks, and I try to end it on a good note, cause he had helped me back in the day with a relationship, and I've always wanted to return the favor by helping him with my advice... Only now do I get it that he's only good at giving advice and telling me what to do, not taking any advice and doing what is told to him.

So I go back up to the apartment, he goes back to the dreaded friends place and I talk to the girlfriend. She drives me to my guy's place and mentions how the boyfriend thinks I am swaying her against him... Which I blantantly say " You know, when you asked him to promise you not to drink to much, it hit him right in the core cause it made him think that you don't trust him. But hearing how he thinks you are to easily swayed by me and your mother, it sounds to me he doesn't trust you."

I got to my guy's house, the girlfriend goes back home and I just start crying. I've never been in a situation like this and I know that whatever I try to do to help will only have be labeled as the Bitch who is trying to break up a happy relationship. No matter what I do I'm going to be labeled that. And that tears me up. And it just gets me cause I'm not the only one whose said things, but I'm turning out to be the poster child of all that is negative in the whole situation. Later in the day I rang the girlfriend, only to have her tell me everything is okay again and that she'll call me today... so basically she smothered any questioning feelings she's had at the call of her boyfriend and went back to wasting away at home in a sickly state all in the name of his love.

After what I have typed I know its a lot and a lot of it does make me seem like I'm digging my nose in where it doesn't belong. Which is why I'm backing off, no matter how much I just wanna tell of everyone whose claim to supernatural intelligence is hurting my bestfriends mental health. I just hope she grows a back bone before its too late...

But I do need some advice, cause like I've said, I've never dealt with anything like this before. Even though I'm going to back away from the whole situation, I'm not sure how I should do it cause the betraying friend is always trying to goad me into a fight, and I'm pretty sure now the boyfriend will start telling the girlfriend to stop talking to me.

Any advice would help...and sorry for the extremely long read.


Posts: 20 | From: Elgin, Illinois, USA | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LoSt4NoW
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Yeh, your question was long. But I do understand where you are coming from. I have been in one of those relationships and I know someone who was in one also. The only advice I can tell you is not to completely give up. You always want to be there for her and I know that it is hard to see your friend being treated that way. Her boyfriend seems like a real dick and she needs to realize that and also that she would either be better off single or happier with someone else. I would continue to be there for her and mayb not be so involved, sometimes,and i know it is hard, she has to learn from her mistakes. It sounds bad but it seems like this is where it is maybe heading. Just make sure her relationship with him does not get violent. Try to get her mind off of him to relieve her depression rather than medication. He has no place to talk about that. I hope this helps-good luck.
Posts: 35 | From: Decatur,IL,USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ceresbaistat
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Yeah, this guy needs to go. And while she may not have any damage to her body, he seems to be breaking her spirit. I want to call this verbal or mental abuse, but I'm not sure. Either way, I would stick by your friend, if nothing else (though I, personally, would probably charge right into the middle of it. I don't think it's a good idea to, but I would ).

Best of luck, and I hope things turn out alright.


Posts: 52 | From: Seabrook, TX | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
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Similar to what the other posters said, in a situation like this, the best idea usually is taking a step back and not getting yourself involved. It's hard to watch friends make decisions and be with people you may feel are destructive, but until your friend wants to make the move to get out of the relationship then there really isn't much more you can do then lend an ear and support when she needs it. I would suggest you just try and make sure that you're there for her through this.

If you feel like people are trying to get you into a fight, just back away, and try to explain that you don't want to discuss whatever issues they bring up. I hope that you don't lose your friend over this, but again, just try and be there for her.


Posts: 1747 | From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
allygirl14
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tell the boyfriend if he cant treat her right and just spend sometime with her then he dont deserve her and to leave her now before its to late

--------------------
we do what we do!!

Posts: 9 | From: marion ohio | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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(Hey, ally? This thread's over two years old. You'd do much better sticking to current topics, and posting only when you have something new or useful to add. Thanks. [Smile] )
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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