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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » He doesn't know how he feels?

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Author Topic: He doesn't know how he feels?
Member # 25077

Icon 1 posted      Profile for meowmeow     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and half...He broke up with me last week because he was confused. He said that I don't deserve to be with someone who often contemplates whehter or not he wants to be with anymore. This contemplation has been going on for a VERY long time (4-5 months?) and he has been trying to surpress it. The next day, he explained that a part of him loves me and wants to be with me, wants to work it out, but the other part of him doesn't care about the relationship or just wants to be friends. As we walked, he thought for about 20 minutes why he felt divided, because he was confused about that also.

He came to the conclusion (and I'll call this "the theory" from now on) that the part of him that doesn't want to be with me manifested from him not talking to me about things/issues he should talk about and that lack of communication (on his part) builds up until he doesn't know what's going on with his feelings. This only vaguely made sense to me at the time. We got back together on that day with the knowledge that we need to work things out. We had the best evening of our lives after that...

But a few days later, we kind of got in a "fight". Eventually, this lead to us talking about our relationship -- about him feeling "mixed up" and still confused...about that part of him that just wants to be friends. He said that his theory made sense at the time we got back together, but he wasn't sure anymore. Later, he talked to me about something that was bothering him and that "just friends" part of him kind of dispersed (thus, his earlier theory was "correct"). All was good again...

Last night I was at his house. We got back onto this topic because he said something along the lines of "I don't know if I want to work this out anymore." I can't really recall what he said. Naturally, I got mad and in disbelief, I went outside and sat on his porch. He followed me.

We talked, again, about our relationship and how we can work it out. Neither of us knew what to do. I said to him that he doesn't treat me the way he used to...He gets irritated at me (he never used to) and that I know he doesn't like to hang out with me as much (we used to see eachother everyday and he loved that. now we see eachother every other day or every 2 days). I told him that sometimes I feel like I'm an annoying little sister to him. After saying that, he said that he doesn't know how he feels about me and why his actions toward me has changed. He said that I should move on because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and he doesn't want me to feel like a "little sister". He said he really wants things to work out. He wants to bring back the way he feels about me so we can bring back what we had. I want the same thing more than ANYTHING.

He's going camping this weekend with his family and he said that during that time, he's going to try to figure things out -- how he feels about me and how to work things out. He assured me that he'll know "for sure" how he feels when he gets back.

So I guess we're on a "break" until he figures things out.

Can someone explain to me how someone could NOT KNOW how they feel about someone? I find that really hard to believe because I've NEVER doubted for a fraction of a second my love for him. What could he possibly be thinking?

I NEED him so much. He's become a HUGE part of my life and I just can't imagine being without him or being with anyone else. I know everyone always says/believes that after a break up...but I really can't fathom how I will live without him...

What should I do? What should HE do? Why have his feelings changed if that's the case? Why does he treat me like this? Is it hormones that causes him to become irritable or is it me?

[This message has been edited by meowmeow (edited 09-23-2005).]

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 17971

Icon 1 posted      Profile for faifai     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what you've "done."

Sometimes, after a while, if the relationship kind of stagnates, it might be time to end it. Or he could be thinking of other things--he might not want to be in a relationship right now, he may not feel about you the same way you feel about him, he may feel bored with the relationship. etc. You can't know unless he tells you.

People's feelings can change over time--I'm in a pretty long [2 3/4 yrs] relationship and there have certainly been times when I wasn't sure whether I should stay in the relationship.

It's not that I didn't know how I felt about him, it's that I didn't know whether our dating situation was a good one. He may still care about you, but be questioning whether being in a relationship is what he wants right now.

And you don't technically need him, either. To want someone that much is a wonderful thing, but need oxygen, you need water, you don't need a boyfriend. Yeah, he's a big part of your life, and it's great that you feel that way. But if things do end, your world won't [and shouldn't] stop.

I hope things work out with you two. Give him a chance to figure things out. Keep us posted about how it goes.

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25065

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I agree that he may be in fact questioning whether he wants to be in a relationship at all. I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago because I was going through a similar thing as you boyfriend. I didn't think it was fair to string her along. I've been much happier since we broke up, because I can really evaluate what I want next. I hate to be a downer, but it sounds to me like your relationship isn't likely to last too much longer.

Look on the bright side: at least you got to go out with the one you loved for a while. Last time I was in love I didn't even get that. One thing that I always like to think about when I'm sad about something ending is a piece of wisdom loosely paraphrased from Robert Fripp, the leader of the band King Crimson, off of the liner notes from that band's album "Absent Lovers": a band isn't a band unless it breaks up; otherwise it becomes an institution. I don't know if you will find that idea comforting at all, but it has helped me in the past.

Good luck!

- PERVasive

"Don't let your schooling get in the way of your education." - Mark Twain

Posts: 64 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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